Well it's the end of Christmas Day in Aussie land and I wanted to make one final post on the forum.
So, a year ago my life stared to turn upside down. My wife wanted me out of the house. She became a stranger overnight. I tried, I really did try everything to save my marriage. It took a long time to come to terms with the fact it was dead. I tried to understand why, why it all went sour, why she wanted me out, why she didn't think we could share the care of our son, why she found it so easy to throw me under a bus.... I found out what it was like to come home to an empty house. I was told by a "professional" that I didn't understand the developmental needs of my own son. I was told I was thinking of my own needs. Handovers are a weird out of body experience where my wife (or her parents) don't say a word. I'm at war with my STBX. I'm constantly concerned about my actions and how that will impact on my future with my son.......
But it will be ok. I found support in family, friends and in this forum. I'm fitter than I ever was. I'm playing music again with close friends and I'm writing songs again. I'm finding my way. I know I need to be patient and keep moving forward. I'm trying my best to be a good father and I'm constantly learning.
My son told me today "this is the best Christmas ever". That's all I can ask for right now. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and give your support and advice. I know stuff like this is a massive energy drain. I really appreciate it, I really do.
And thanks Athol, you're a great guy. Merry Christmas and God bless.
Thank you to everyone who has commented on my thread. While my marriage continues to be a roller coaster, it has gained altitude overall. This great considering we sat at the end of the line and were about to get off twice.
For the first year after finding MMSL, I was paranoid about my wife's interactions with other men. She had a problem with boundaries. Now she has learned what is acceptable and I have learned to be the high value male I was always capable of being. My wife is still an insecure child in many ways, but she is getting better. I still struggle with fitness tests, but am passing more than failing.
So many people in the self-help business are either goal-oriented or have weak processes to deal with marriage-related challenges. I have a list of therapists we've tried as proof. Athol's MAP process is the best because it is so thorough. If he were a football coach, he'd be Nick Saban (Roll Tide!!).
I wish this forum could stick around a little longer so that I could give back more. I really want to pay it forward and share what I've learned with others.
Good luck everyone. Let's go forth and preach the MAP gospel to all who need it.
Think I get the message and I can see you have to do the 12 step work but at the same time it would be very easy to disappear into your own navel if you take yourself too seriously. Life has to lived.
On that note, DW and I hosted a party recently. It might be the first time I've really worked at hosting. For various reasons two or three couples didn't RSVP or thought they weren't able to come and they all showed. It was a great success and the star of the show was the honey mustard chicken thighs from the recipe book recommended by @MrsJon as prepared by yours truly. I believe DW might be a little jealous of all the praise!
Me (joking): "So kids, what did you get me for Christmas?" 7 year old (totally serious): "We didn't get you anything yet, you have to go to the store and pick it out for yourself after Christmas." "You can pick whatever color you want. Like green. Or pink, I guess. Or green." "Also, I'm not going to tell you what it is, but it has tires." Me: "Oh gee. I have no idea what it could possibly be. Can I put a horn on it?" Him: "Yes." Me: "Does it have pedals?" Him: "Yeah. But I won't tell you what it is, Mom, you have to wait until Christmas! Then I'll tell you and then you have to wait to go pick out your own." Me: "Is it big?" Him: "Yeah. And you can ride on it." Me: "It must be a kite." Him: "ITS NOT A KITE!" Me: "Oh, well, that was just a guess. Because your hints have been very vague and I wasn't sure." Him: "Kites don't have pedals, tires, OR horns!"
And yet he doesn't know why I left him out of the Christmas secret for dad. I knew within hours of their shopping trip that I'm getting a bike. H didn't know until he tore the paper off today what he was getting. Because the 5 year old keeps secrets better than his big brother.
I may have to do that @Tennee. Adjacent to my office door is a 10" wide window (anti-privacy thing, I guess) as tall as the door. Perfect display for a dozen or so coloring book tear outs.
Mostly, except that you are responding with anger and emotion, which is like pouring gasoline on a fire.
Practice a few, short statements:
That you will be walking away from childish behavior and giving her space until she decides to act like an adult
That she needs to let you know which of her words can be ignored and which are to be taken seriously
That grownups don't have temper tantrums
That excusing bad behavior and rude, childish outbursts with "Oh that's just how I am" is no longer acceptable.
Only bring out ONE statement at a time, then leave. Do not reward her with your attention, even if the "attention" is a fight. Leave her completely alone for a while, while being ridiculously cheerful and pleasant. Don't hold a grudge and pout if she comes to you and acts normal. Let it go. It might takes months of this before she gets it, she might never, she might break down next week and apologize for being a little brat. No matter. YOU proceed on with grace and manners and great mood.
Make double dog sure YOU aren't engaging in the same poor behaviors.