The "Shit I Say" Thread!!

Mr_Brown

We have the "shit my wife's hamster said" the "shit my husband says" thread & "the texting thread"

When I was little I enjoyed reading "Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Questions" it was somehow related to MAD Magazine.

I figured it'd be a cool thread to have, so give examples of scenarios where you quipped back with a funny, quirky alpha/girl alpha comeback!

Mr_Brown

This morning my son is ready for breakfast he asks the wifey for some sausage, she replies your dad is handling that this morning...

My response "You must be worn out from handling the sausage last night!"

Pirouette

@mandrill, we are having a similar conversation with our youngest wanting a pet. She has done her research and claims the hamsters eat their poop....problem solved!

OneEyedDrunk

Her: "That's an epic hard-on".

Me: (smiling) "That's what I hear". LOL

Mongrel

This morning, at the twin bathroom sinks. DW comes in and picks up the Colgate tube, fastidiously squeezing the bottom and working the content towards the top (which she wouldn't have to do if she didn't normally squeeze it from the middle, but I've decided it's charming more than annoying).  Anyway, I can't help myself...

Me:  Squeezing the tube makes white stuff come out the end.

DW:  (sideways glance, pause, eye-roll)  Oh, brother... (laughs)

growingafamily

My daughter once loudly asked if the women walking by in burqas were nuns. 

Mr_Brown

Start your own "shit my kids say thread!! (I think there is one somewhere??)

Rapunzel

So my dh is taking an interest in culinary things lately. Yay, an interest in something!

DH: Well, I thought it was something we could do together.
ME: I was looking for night off from cooking. (commence hamster on all the reasons why)
DH: Okay, thing #3 likes to cook with me.
ME: Great then you can just feed me and tell me I'm pretty.

Mr_Brown

@UnBetaMe said:

Deleted for Off topic

Hey there is one... It's my thread too...

http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/2026/proud-father-moment

growingafamily

Backstory here is 127 babies and the biggest was in the ballpark of 11 1/2 pounds at birth.

So the husband says to me in the middle of sex: "HOW are you THIS TIGHT? didn't you push out all those babies?"

my reply: "would you like me to aim for 12 pounds next time?"

Mongrel

We're expecting yet another soul-crushing snowstorm in the next 24 hrs.

DW:  Looks like we're going to get six to eight inches.

Me:  Yes, you should fully expect six to eight inches.

DW:  (not missing a beat, bless her)  Are you sure it won't be two to four?

Me:  Only if you're not doing your part.

DW:  I always do my part.  So six to eight it is!

OneEyedDrunk

It's shark week right now, so sex is somewhat off the table.

Me: "What's the strep?"

Her: (smiling) "For what?"

Me: "You know".

Her: "Still pretty bloody. I don't see it happening"

Me: "Oh well, there's always your other vagina" (smiling)

Her: (smiling back) "shut up"

sting129

I had a real Cassanova moment this morning.....she kissed me goodbye earlier than normal because she had to go in early for a case... Her: "bye hon, I have an early case this morning"... Me: "I have an early case....of...wanting to fuck..." ....Her: "What a surprise" ... Me: "too early brain no feel good"

Mr_Brown

Me: So why do you always wear your frumpy armor to bed?

Her: In case there's a fire or something I don't want to be naked...

Me: You want the firemen to see you looking like that??

growingafamily

Me: blah blah blah what I'm giving up for lent.

H: "I don't care what you give up as long as it isn't me."

me: *laughs*

H: "what?" 

me: "I'm never gonna give you up..."

H: "shut up!"

me: "you basically just rickrolled yourself."

Templar

growingafamily said:

Me: blah blah blah what I'm giving up for lent.

H: "I don't care what you give up as long as it isn't me."

me: *laughs*

H: "what?" 

me: "I'm never gonna give you up..."

H: "shut up!"

me: "you basically just rickrolled yourself."

I saw that coming from your first line! Shoulda linked the video!

growingafamily

Templar said:

growingafamily said:

Me: blah blah blah what I'm giving up for lent.

H: "I don't care what you give up as long as it isn't me."

me: *laughs*

H: "what?" 

me: "I'm never gonna give you up..."

H: "shut up!"

me: "you basically just rickrolled yourself."

I saw that coming from your first line! Shoulda linked the video!

Oh, this was all said in person, couldn't link a video. Probably would have if it were in text

Britguy68

Yay...i got a thigh slap today....

in the car with wifey and 10 yr old daughter..who was discussing why people get married.

"Why did you get married" she asked us

"Well it seemed a good idea at the time" i replied.

Britguy68

Crock pot cooking is great btw...i do it. Chuck a frozen joint in in the morning, forget about it, and 8 hrs later you 'melt in your mouth' dropping off the bone tender meat....hmmmmm:-)

Pirouette

Went to the grocery today. Drove halfway there and realized I forgot my list. Asked eightbit if he could text it to me. Sent me the list with some "items" added (I e. Eightbit's meat, lube, etc).

Me: It appears items have been added to my list.
Him: I don't understand how, I typed it word for word.
Me: Are you sure because I don't remember black beans on there?

Rapunzel

@Pirouette said:

Went to the grocery today. Drove halfway there and realized I forgot my list. Asked eightbit if he could text it to me. Sent me the list with some "items" added (I e. Eightbit's meat, lube, etc). Me: It appears items have been added to my list. Him: I don't understand how, I typed it word for word. Me: Are you sure because I don't remember black beans on there?

I can't be the only one wondering if he requested a pocket sized tube???