Doesn't MMSL only benefit men?

BallsyWoman

I came across MMSL when I saw that it was mentioned on a marriage forum.

I have read some posts and I have some questions. I am not asking to be rude or troll...I simply have some legitimate concerns. 

When I read about some of the ideas posted on MMSL, it seems to only benefit men and husbands. There is a lot of focus on obeying husbands, training wives and dominance. I don't see how those beliefs benefit wives or women. 

I grew up in a very sexist home as an only daughter. My mother believed in male privilege and she wasn't very empowered. I am viewed as "rebellious and stubborn" because I moved out before marriage and I think women are than just housekeepers. I stopped putting up with having less freedom and far more housework than my three brothers. My mother has always been my father's slave as he does no housework. My mother also took my father back after his years long affair, yet she still talks about the infidelity despite the fact that it occurred more than 20 years ago. I see her as a sad waste of intelligence and missed opportunities. My mother gave up an education and all of her independence for my father, only to be disrespected in the worst way possible.

I shut her down when she tries to give me me marriage advice because I am not a doormat like she is. I do not even want any children because I see how having kids traps so many women into very unhappy marriages. I am not saying that all married mothers are in unhappy marriages. I am merely saying that I grew up seeing married moms stay with awful hubbies "for the kids." In fact, I also see married moms in my generation staying with boorish oafs because of the kids. I like to be free to walk away should my husband become an asshole. I married a man who also didn't want children for this reason. 

Maybe I sound like an angry feminist to everyone. I was a raging feminazi from the ages of 22-25. I met my husband and most of that crap went out the window. This was likely because he was a gentleman and treated me with respect. My husband is the perfect mix of alpha and beta. Though he is tender and caring, he also puts me in my place when I need it; I can be bratty. He is also my anchor because am too emotional and anxious at times. My husband does not throw around words like "obedience" and "training" because he knows I would tell him to shove it. Those words are for a parent and child relationship.

When I was younger and more naive, I dated a very controlling and abusive older man. That experience made me very wary of men who think they can mold me like I am their child. Reading MMSL, the enthusiastic response to it and my own experiences make me think that most men just want to lord their power over women. 

I just don't understand why a true alpha would need to boss around a woman to feel like a man. Shouldn't a truly strong and confident man be able to handle a woman with strong opinions? I deeply resent being controlled. When I met my husband seven years ago, I let him know that while I will listen to his viewpoint, I will not stand for being forced into doing anything or manipulated. I told my husband that the minute he tried to use his extra eight years of life to push me around, I would be gone. 

Our marriage is very happy. We have an amazing sex life. Though my drive is slightly higher, my man satisfies me in bed. If my husband tried to say things like "Who owns this pussy?" in bed, I would be very creeped out. I also wouldn't take kindly to being told what to wear or being treated like an assistant. My husband gently nudges my boundaries without being a badgering asshole about it like my ex boyfriend was. For example, I hate being fingered unless I am very aroused. My husband will not attempt fingering unless I have had some orgasms and I am very wet. If he feels me tensing up or I pull away, he stops immediately.  I like being spanked but I do not like being restrained in any way, nor do I like being picked up. My husband tried those things with me before and it terrified me, so he stopped immediately and held me tight. I told him that losing control of my body to rape and physical abuse put those fears there. I am glad that my husband didn't keep forcing me because he felt I need to "obey" him. 

There is a possibility that I am misunderstanding MMSL. I am open to being set straight if I have the wrong impression. Nobody knows everything right? 

AlphaGuy

Hoping your aren't trolling here... but try reading the books and see if it makes sense for you otherwise move along...

Scarlet

I have no idea what you're reading, because neither this forum nor Athol's books are about obedience and training, nor lording male power over oppressed women.

fredless

I enjoy a happy marriage and lots of sex. 

Read the books and then make your judgment. 

PhoenixDown

Nope.

Monkeys_Uncle

Nowhere in any of Athol's books or posts does it say you must tell your wife "I own this pussy" or boss her around all the time in order to have a good marriage and a good sex life.

That stuff gets discussed here some because there are a lot of women on the forum who desire more leadership and dominance from their husbands than you seem to want in your marriage.  And a lot of men who want to learn to provide more of this for their wives.  I don't think they are wrong.  I don't think you are wrong. 

There's actually a lot less of that kind of stuff discussed here than there used to be.

Athol_Kay

BallsyWoman said:

My husband is the perfect mix of alpha and beta. Though he is tender and caring, he also puts me in my place when I need it; I can be bratty. He is also my anchor because am too emotional and anxious at times.

If you're saying your husband is the perfect balance of Alpha and Beta, you're basically quoting the foundational principle of MMSL, in the very language of MMSL.

Suggest reading The Mindful Attraction Plan as a starting point.

Scarlet

I also fail to see the meaningful difference between saying "I own this pussy" and consensual spanking.

growingafamily

Seeing as it's caused my husband to lift weights and dress better I fail to see how I'm not benefiting from this.

BallsyWoman

I never said my marriage was perfect. I doubt that ANYONE has a perfect marriage.

BallsyWoman

Scarlet said:

I also fail to see the meaningful difference between saying "I own this pussy" and consensual spanking.

My husband saying he "owns" me would not be consensual. The spanking is. 

Scarlet

Right. For you. But if another woman is okay with the former, why is that a problem for you?

texascfguy

*Grabs Popcorn* This should be interesting...

PhoenixDown

What did you read that gave you this impression that MMSL is all about oppressing women? 

Monkeys_Uncle

Scarlet said:

I also fail to see the meaningful difference between saying "I own this pussy" and consensual spanking.

You don't have to do either to have a great sex life.
You can do both and have a miserable sex life.

The difference between the two isn't the point. 
The point is BallsyWomen shouldn't get judgmental about what other people enjoy sexually, or vice versa.

The amount of kinkiness in your sex life isn't what makes it good or bad.  What makes it good or bad is the meaning and enjoyment it brings to your marriage.

BallsyWoman

Hi Athol. Thanks for your response. I appreciate having the author respond to me. 

I only used the words "alpha" and "beta" to make my post relevant to this forum. 

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/01/the-conscious-captain-and-first-officer-relationship/ In this post, you said that it was kinda cool to have a woman obey you. That is where I got my impression that MMSL is about obedience. 

Ihttp://marriedmansexlife.com/2010/07/breaking-down-the-sexually-shy-wife/ The word "training" is used in this post more than once. Whenever men or women talk about "training" their partners, I want to ask if they have a dog.

I am sorry if anyone viewed my post as attempting to incite or troll. I don't believe that trolls are ever open to explanations or learning. 

Athol_Kay said:

BallsyWoman said:

My husband is the perfect mix of alpha and beta. Though he is tender and caring, he also puts me in my place when I need it; I can be bratty. He is also my anchor because am too emotional and anxious at times.

If you're saying your husband is the perfect balance of Alpha and Beta, you're basically quoting the foundational principle of MMSL, in the very language of MMSL.

Suggest reading The Mindful Attraction Plan as a starting point.

Scarlet

It looks to me like you are taking a couple of words completely out of context rather than really reading. My question is why? Why come here in the first place, and why object to what some other women like, while acknowledging that you like other things just as much?

BallsyWoman

Monkeys_Uncle said:

Scarlet said:

I also fail to see the meaningful difference between saying "I own this pussy" and consensual spanking.

You don't have to do either to have a great sex life.
You can do both and have a miserable sex life.

The difference between the two isn't the point. 
The point is BallsyWomen shouldn't get judgmental about what other people enjoy sexually, or vice versa.

The amount of kinkiness in your sex life isn't what makes it good or bad.  What makes it good or bad is the meaning and enjoyment it brings to your marriage.

There is no judgement in saying that I would not enjoy a certain sexual act. 

I was merely speaking of my own preference. I am not sure why you feel that talking about what I wouldn't like in bed is judgmental.

I agree that we should all do whatever makes us happy, especially when it comes to marriage. 

BallsyWoman

growingafamily said:

Seeing as it's caused my husband to lift weights and dress better I fail to see how I'm not benefiting from this.

I'm glad that  both you and your husband benefited from MMSL. 

Though my husband doesn't lift weights, he is a runner and he has always dressed well. 

He didn't need MMSL to tell him to exercise or have fashion sense.

Scarlet

Well,you're the one coming here with a big objecting post to start off, so it is really on you to state your purpose. And that second blog post you linked is 1) over three years old and 2) not about training like a dog or dominance at all, but about how to help a woman with a traumatic past learn to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship, with her husband, in a safe space. I'd like to know why you chose to twist that into "training like a dog."

Monkeys_Uncle

@BallsyWoman,

I think the thing you are missing in both of those posts is that the power distribution is consensual and discussed between the two partners in great detail.  Athol actually talks in both posts about not wanting to be misconstrued in exactly the way you seem to be doing.  It's not just a matter of the man wanting to be boss, it's a matter of the woman also wanting to be bossed.

I get that you're not into that dynamic.  Honestly, my wife and I don't practice it to the extent that many of the couples around here do, because we're only in to it a tiny little bit. 

But if a wife wants more dominance from her husband, and he isn't giving it to her... well there's the answer to "Does MMSL only benefit men?".

I mean, a lot of guys get dragged into this stuff by their wives, kicking and screaming and fighting them the whole way.  That seems to indicate the women see some benefit to it.