About this site. . .
You have found an archive of the MMSL Forum, which shut down on December 27, 2016. You can continue these discussions on this forum
Categories
- 10.9K All Categories
- 23 The New Forum 101
- 8 Moments of Zen
- 915 Introduce Yourself
- 671 911 Relationship ER
- 2.7K Married Life
- 2.1K Running the MAP
- 743 1. Fitness, Food and Health
- 96 2. Money and Material Stuff
- 304 3. Displaying High Value - Men
- 728 3. Displaying High Value - Women
- 200 4. Building Relationship Comfort
- 52 5. Personality and Preferences
- 406 6. High-Energy Sex
- 513 Singles
- 45 Faith and Spirituality
- 1.3K Off Topic
Complimenting Your Wife's Looks? Beta or Alpha?
Pup
Silver Member Posts: 346
I've been married over 7 years to a great woman. She's always (since her early teens) been a little (sometimes a lot) heavier than she'd like and in her late 30's still has some body image issues. She has had 3 kids and is pregnant with another and just starting to show. She's 5'7" and about 165-170 lbs. Her body is not a problem for me, (I tell her I love her big butt, her legs, grab, feel them, etc.) but she did look better when we got married and she was about 145lbs.
Enough background...
She typically has difficulty finding an outfit she thinks she looks good in in the morning when getting ready for work. Sometimes it takes her 20 minutes worth of trying on different clothes before settling on one she can live with. I try to "help" her feel better about her looks in the morning by telling her she looks nice, looks good, etc. She always seems distantly, mildly appreciative. This morning I told her enthusiastically that the outfit she wore "makes her look thinner."
After the words came out of my mouth I immediately thought..."Was that a "neg" that I just gave her?" Could something like that spin her hamster into wondering if I meant that as a compliment or if it means she's usually frumpy and fat looking?
She believes I am the better looking of us, but that she has the better personality. I won't disagree, although I think she has a very pretty face.
I want my compliments to be received by her as a more attractive Alpha accepting her as "worthy" or fuckable...NOT as a desperate Beta hoping to win her favor. How can I maintain my frame and still reassure my wife that she looks nice. Or is it out of frame to do that?
Questions:
1) Is issuing compliments DHV? Is it DHV or DLV to issue frequent/regular compliments on appearance to a good and loving wife who has body image issues, who seems to be getting numb to compliments after years of receiving them?
2) Is it a "neg" to say that an outfit makes a woman "look thinner"? With a vain woman, this would be the man's answer to the "does these pants make my butt look big" question. She's not the type to ask if this outfit makes her butt look big, and accepts her body. She has NEVER asked how she looks, but often expresses dissatisfaction at how she looks. She is not vain at all and I love her.
3) Can the complimenting of appearance be DHV if given as a neg, and DLV if given simply to show that I accept and love my wife?
4) How can I "help" my wife feel secure with what she's wearing/her body image without DLV? Or should I even want her to feel secure???
5) Is complimenting my wife's appearance sabotaging my MAP efforts to grow a gap between our looks (me looking hotter than her) in her mind.
Enough background...
She typically has difficulty finding an outfit she thinks she looks good in in the morning when getting ready for work. Sometimes it takes her 20 minutes worth of trying on different clothes before settling on one she can live with. I try to "help" her feel better about her looks in the morning by telling her she looks nice, looks good, etc. She always seems distantly, mildly appreciative. This morning I told her enthusiastically that the outfit she wore "makes her look thinner."
After the words came out of my mouth I immediately thought..."Was that a "neg" that I just gave her?" Could something like that spin her hamster into wondering if I meant that as a compliment or if it means she's usually frumpy and fat looking?
She believes I am the better looking of us, but that she has the better personality. I won't disagree, although I think she has a very pretty face.
I want my compliments to be received by her as a more attractive Alpha accepting her as "worthy" or fuckable...NOT as a desperate Beta hoping to win her favor. How can I maintain my frame and still reassure my wife that she looks nice. Or is it out of frame to do that?
Questions:
1) Is issuing compliments DHV? Is it DHV or DLV to issue frequent/regular compliments on appearance to a good and loving wife who has body image issues, who seems to be getting numb to compliments after years of receiving them?
2) Is it a "neg" to say that an outfit makes a woman "look thinner"? With a vain woman, this would be the man's answer to the "does these pants make my butt look big" question. She's not the type to ask if this outfit makes her butt look big, and accepts her body. She has NEVER asked how she looks, but often expresses dissatisfaction at how she looks. She is not vain at all and I love her.
3) Can the complimenting of appearance be DHV if given as a neg, and DLV if given simply to show that I accept and love my wife?
4) How can I "help" my wife feel secure with what she's wearing/her body image without DLV? Or should I even want her to feel secure???
5) Is complimenting my wife's appearance sabotaging my MAP efforts to grow a gap between our looks (me looking hotter than her) in her mind.
Tagged:
0
Comments
As I re-read this, I realize that one sentence I wrote above may be more telling/significant to my MAP than anything else:
"She believes I am the better looking of us, but that she has the better personality."
I have been going to the gym and am already a couple/few points better looking than Mrs. Pup. In the MAP book Athol says we should not try to get small improvements in areas we are already green, and go for the yellow and red areas first. Should I really start focusing on my personality, and how to I do that? How can I be the charming, charismatic jerkboy I used to be? The one that was more secure than her back in the good old days?
@liquid Yes, I am trying to help make her feel better about her growing body because she's pregnant. I feel myself trying to offer a little more comliments so she will feel attractive/pretty.
However, as Mandrill has said in some of his responses, she's not asking how she looks...I wonder if I am undermining my own MAP by trying to make her feel more secure.
Also, the looks department is probably getting more focus than it should when I really need to be working on my personality...which is probably way harder. She said I can be "abrasive" - which is true. I also don't feel as attractive from a personality point of view. I would like to be more attractive on a non-physical level. How the hell do I do that???
I was in my prime. I had "passion" about things like politics and our country, but I don't think I was angry or abrasive back then.
Since then I have had to take on more responsibility for a family, kids, etc. Job sucks, even though I make 2x more. I get short with the kids. I am critical of my wife when she displeases me. I get petty about things that shouldn't be a big deal. I also get pissed about how our country is going down the shitter and I get angry about things I can't control. I guess she sees that as abrasive. She's right, I'm not an attractive personality.
My wife hasn't changed, I have become less attractive as a person, and probably am trying to compensate for that by being more attractive visually. I don't think it works that way though...I want her to be more attracted to who I am, and I can't seem to figure that part out. Complimenting her looks probably does nothing to help me.
============================
Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force.
He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
I used to do this too. I quit a few years ago. Still read the news. Still know what's happening. Just stopped obsessing about it. It's a giant negative energy drain on you and those around you for no good reason. And it's not attractive.
If you want us to be unapologetically feminine, be unapologetically masculine.
It's a bit sad, but you can probably get better news coverage from watching The Daily Show than a regular "news" program.
But I agree that it's pointless to complain. If there's a cause or an issue you believe in, do your best to influence it however you can. But it's necessary to acknowledge that your influence will likely be small (unless you make it a full time job).
1) Is issuing compliments DHV? Is it DHV or DLV to issue frequent/regular compliments on appearance to a good and loving wife who has body image issues, who seems to be getting numb to compliments after years of receiving them?
2) Is it a "neg" to say that an outfit makes a woman "look thinner"? With a vain woman, this would be the man's answer to the "does these pants make my butt look big" question. She's not the type to ask if this outfit makes her butt look big, and accepts her body. She has NEVER asked how she looks, but often expresses dissatisfaction at how she looks. She is not vain at all and I love her.
So far, what I would've paid for cable has paid for 2 trips to Africa.
Wife during a recent fight: "I know this is really unhealthy, but I would understand if you cheated on me."
Rationale was one of... because she thinks she's not attractive enough, affectionate enough, fun enough...
She said she would completely understand if I told her I had been out to happy hour and kissed some girl.
Is this divorce bait, a low self esteem wife, loyalty test, my fault, etc?
Edit: She has said things like this a couple of times in the past. In the frame of "If that's what you needed to be happy, if that's what you need I'd be okay with it.