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Comments
1) complete the triage. Link previous given.
2) answer @The_Dude questions about what facts you have about the affair.
You can give us bits and pieces but then our advise is worth just that (bits and pieces).
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!
"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
You telling us about what the marital counselor has to say about her anger and her daddy issues is like you telling us you have a severed artery you are about to bleed out from and then instead of giving us the details about the artery so we can tell you how to stop the bleeding, you insist on discussing a hangnail you have.
in addition to doing the triage, tell us everything you know, and everything you have been told about the other man, and the affair. Leave no detail out. Realize that what you have been told is not necessarily the truth. also tell us how long the phone calls that she recently received from the other man were in duration, how you found out about them, and what your wife's reaction was when you confronted her about them. Also confirm that she took the calls after after you Option A/Bed her?
Until you do the triage and give details of the affair, WE CAN'T HELP YOU.
Time is extremely critical, just as if you did have a severed artery!!!
“I’m going to plead with you, do not cross us. Because if you do, the survivors will write about what we do here for 10,000 years.” General James Mattis, USMC
· No physical ailments > Wife in great shape and does not have to exercise much. She does not look her age at 47.
· Takes Antidepressant Wellbutrin > Been on for 5+ years. Sex life has not been affected by usage.
· Last 6 months > Been taking sleep medication Ambien. She knows it is an issue and has been trying to wean herself off. She has not been able to fully quit taking it.
· She feels that she is getting old. Her body is changing and she knows it. She had a minor procedure last month and she knows Menopause is around the corner as it had to do with her "female parts." It has provided another data point that she is closing in on 50.
· She has booked an appointment with her Dr. to have blood work taken to check hormones. I am researching which tests she should take.
· She is emotionally and physically drained. She does not know why. She is looking at a new exercise regime and working on eating healthier.
Question Two – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues
· Structural Attraction Issue #1 – I have had a number of positions with small, $20M - $150M tech start-ups. Since 2003, I served in numerous COO, VP and Executive positions. While my total annual income ranged between $150k - $225k given options, bonuses etc. the ups & downs of risky companies took their toll on her. She was always supportive of me pursuing these roles since she had a big-company job. However, I now know that it created security issues with her that I was not financially stable and she could not depend on me. I have been an executive with a $1B company for the past three years and my career is the most stable it has ever been since 1999.
· Structural Attraction Issue #2 – In 2005 I purchased a franchise business and launched it. It was a side business; a passive-income stream and was growing and was close to really taking off until 2009 when the economy changed. I should have just shut it down at that point, but I was hopeful I could make it work and sell it. I did; five years too late. Truth be told, it never really made money and became a personal and financial drain on me, especially in the last 3-4 years. I sold it on March 7th, two days after I found out about her EA.
· The debt from the failed business has been a tremendous issue with her and a source of her anger and resentment. Her respect for me is weak around these two areas.
Question Three – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect
· No cheating, no hitting, no physical abuse. No public humiliation.
· Critical Moment: 3.5 years ago, before counseling, we had a series of arguments over a 2-3 month period about her going out with her single friends. There were a few “orbiters” and I became angry and frustrated. This is when I read Athol’s book and started running a MAP. We also sought marriage counseling and worked through our issues. The business was one issue and we talked about its impact and the strain on us. I started down the path of selling it afterwards.
· I have always given my wife attention > I am very affectionate and sexually playful. Since I began running the MAP, I upped my game with her. I often plant a 10 sec. kiss, grab her ass, slap her ass every so often and let her know she has a sexy bod. I also love to play with her tits. She has told me every once in a while that she does not like me “objectifying her.” Yet, it is not common. She has admitted many more times (yesterday in fact) that she enjoys my sexual banter and touching. She even said that she felt sorry for some of her GFs who do not date at all and wonder when was the last time they were touched by a man.
Question Four – Rule Out Outside Sexual Sources
· Emotional Affair - I recently found out that she had been talking with a guy on the phone for the last 6 months. It was an emotional affair, although I know she was not looking for a guy to make her feel good. When I confronted her, she had no problem dropping it. I came down hard and told her to stop 100% or we had to have a different conversation. She admitted that it was a symptom of her unhappiness and that she is not seeking to leave our marriage because she does not feel love or desire for me. I believe it was her way of dealing with things; ignore, suppress and escape in order to not think about what is really bothering her. She knows she lost my trust and is being 100% transparent now.
· I have monitored her email, phone and FB since March 10th and I believe she has cut him off 100%. While I am not 100% sure of this, I have searched her car and other areas for a second phone. I have cross-referenced her phone and text activity against her schedule for work as she is in sales. I have not come up with unexplained gaps in time. I have not looked at her transactions from her second checking account.
· I do not believe that my wife has ever sought sex outside of our marriage.
Question Five – When Did the Sex Go Bad?
· Sex life has been (and is) good. We have sex 1-2 times a week. During her monthly “period,” I routinely get a blow job or hand job.
· Sex life tapered off briefly for 45 days recently and has resumed to 1-2 per week. She had a procedure due to her becoming premenopausal in February. The procedure was done right after her period and she could not have sex for 2.5 weeks afterwards. When she was ready, we had sex, but she was scared how her body would react. It took time for her to relax. Then, I discovered her EA and the emotional situation began.
· In the last two weeks, we are back to 1-2 per week. She is not resisting my sexual banter and not resisting sex, however she physically is drained from the emotional stuff going on and her job. We had sex numerous times while on vacation and her energy was high.
Question Six – What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?
· We have been together for 22 years, married 19. Sex has varied between excellent and often to slow periods of 1-2 a month. Jobs, kids, careers etc. were drivers of the slow periods. Overall, I would say that 80% of our marriage has been sexually strong.
· We have always had sexual fun and have even experimented with sex toys. I lead in the bedroom and she likes that. She wants me to be dominant and in control
· She has never had a sex drive like mine and before couples therapy 3.5 years ago, we had been in a slow cycle for a few months. It was then when I became aware of the “red pill” and began reading blogs, Athol’s book and even other ones like “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” I became intentional on increasing my Alpha and it worked. She frequently comments about other men being feminine and thinks of me as being masculine. We had sex recently and she commented on how fit, muscular and strong I felt.