Huge Financial Fail...Not Sure if Marriage Will Survive.

The_Dude

It sounds like you caught the EA early and killed that. Gonna hurt for a while. Did you tell the guy to fuck off? Is he married. The reason I'm concerned about that is because if you haven't run him off completely he could pop back up later. Happened to me. Even if she doesn't take the bait it will cause serious problems. I didn't make the same mistake twice.

The_Dude

Try and up the dopamine flow from you. Do small fun stuff. Add unpredictability. Small unexpected thoughtful gifts. Unusual locations or types of dates. Etc. this was a major win for me in getting her refocused. Ask for ideas or lookup some threads on this issue. Doesn't need to be expensive (in fact, in your case, that may be a negative given the anxiety about money).

rgoltn

Question Seven – What’s the Elephant in the Room?

·         I have never had an affair on her.  I have never physically harmed her or treated her poorly.

·         For years I was a typical Beta husband who supplicated his wife and worked hard to make sure she and my daughter came first.  Over the years as I was trying to stabilize and sell the business, I drew numb to the low level of stress it created inside that I forgot it existed.  I was blind to what it was doing to me mentally, physically and how it truly impacted my professional career and the most important relationship in my life – the one with my wife.  I kept thinking that once I sell or shut it down, everything would be okay.

·         I started running the MAP 3 years ago and it changed how I viewed our relationship and my life.  I am still primarily Beta, but I have increased my Alpha.

Question Eight – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?

·         I am the leader and captain.  She is my First Mate.  It has always been this way and she has been fine with it.

·         In fact , some of her recent emotional outbursts have been around an idea that she is co-dependent on me; I pay the bills, fix the stereo, book trips, take care of the wifi etc. and she does not how to do any of it.  She says that she feels stupid and does not know anything anymore. 

She has always had access to all of our financial accounts and knows it.  Still, she feels she knows nothing.  I have begun sitting with her to review everything so she knows what we are doing to move forward after the business sale and what steps we are taking to get back on track.

rgoltn

Question Nine – Tell Us About the Good Times

·         My marriage from 1995 – 2004 was great.  I cannot remember anything bad.  We lived in another state and enjoyed life.  We made money, traveled and lived “DINK” lives.

·         We had our daughter in 1998 and ended moving to her hometown in 1999 to be close to her parents.  Life was great then too as we built a house and I was building a great career.  She did not work for a few years and then P/T for a few years.

·         She changed careers in 2005 and I bought the franchise business that same year.  Since then, we have had great times and tough ones.

·         When I think about the great times since 2005, I believe they were good as we were financially sound and our jobs were solid.

·         When I took my current role in 2011, things got very good again with the security around money and stability.

·         I recently was approached by a $40M company to be the COO and eventually President last November.  My wife recently took a new job in July and it was with a small start-up.  Although I felt the potential role for me was a good one, I ended up pulling out of the running in January. I could see that it was stressing her and I said it was my turn to hold the big-company job while she pursues a more risky venture.

·         Although the business failure has hurt us financially, we live an affluent life with a big house, two cars, a kid and dog etc.  We travel and live well; we are not rich, but we are in the top 1-2%.  We have 1/3 of college saved, savings in the bank, a 401k and strong equity in our house.  We enjoy ourselves and have lots of friends who are married, single, divorced, never-married etc. who we socialize with regularly.

rgoltn

RE.."Not sure it's a problem but curious why she has a second checking bob account and you don't have visibility to it." I can get access if I want.  It was a "fun money" account I set up for her years ago.  I manage all of our finances  and this was a way she could have her own money to shop and spend on whatever she wants.  I know if she is taking money from our joint account and putting money in it. I also know that her entire paycheck goes into our joint.

The Ambien is more of an addiction thing that she knows she needs to kick.  It is hard because you have to struggle for days with little sleep to get your body to adjust.  That is hard for anyone.  I also agree about the hormones and thyroid.  I believe it could be a significant cause.

rgoltn

Update.....Things are going well, but we have a ways to go.  Working with a financial planner and have already killed some debt.  Her attitude is good, but she is feeling really bad about her body.  She is trying to get back into shape; eat healthier, workout etc.  Sex is good at once a week, but it could be better.

FEEDBACK REQUIRED

This weekend we are going to a big art / social event.  We go every year and it is a great party.  There is high potential that EA will be there.  We have a number of mutual friends and I can see us running into him.  As far as I know, only 1-2 of her GFs even know about her phone relationship with EA.  She has not spoken to him in a month and I have been monitoring phone, text, email and FB.  We still have not addressed him in any type of therapy session, but she knows this is still an issue with me.

So, how do I handle this situation?

I do not want to be weak and 'mate-guard,' but I also want him to know that he needs to steer clear if we cross paths.  I cannot stick by her side all night and would not want too.  With so many friends (and booze) around, I do not want to make a scene; maintaining frame is important and from what I have been told about him, he is not an Alpha' type whatsoever.  

  

Crashaxe

For the love of God, mate guard!!! It isn't weak!!!!!! Where in the world did you get that idea?! Men protect what is theirs in the presence of a known threat. Keep a loose eye on your wife all evening.

Simple solution for the alcohol. Don't drink.

Whenever you see the guy, mad dog stare him down until he slinks off. Repeat every chance you get. Make him so uncomfortable he does not like being on the same planet as you.

This is called eye game for men. It is how a real man deals with someone moving in on his mate in polite society.

This eye contact is a big reason why people are often uncomfortable around cops. Cops have no compunction about looking someone in the eyes for much longer than is considered polite. It intimidates the hell out of people.

Do it right, and only you and he will probably know what is occurring. And I guarantee he will know loud and clear. The threat of violence is what keeps guys in check in life. Send the unspoken message. The more he fidgets and squirms, the better of a job you are doing.

If he approaches your wife, you join and slip your arm around her. Stare him down the entire time like you are seriously debating squahing him like a bug. If a handshake is offered, either ignore it (best) or if necessary, shake his hand, but far too reluctantly, far too hard and for far too long, and stare him down.

You can talk about women's fashion to him and how you like to slip into a teddy and high heels when you get off of work, and you will still chill him to his bone marrow as long as during the entire time you are talking, you don't break eye contact and you Stare. Him. Down.

This technique works on all men, but especially well on Beta pussies. They are used to sneaking around and abhore the thought of confrontation.

This situation is as easy as falling off a log.

Changed_Man

Agree with @Crashaxe‌ , give him the stink eye whenever you can if you get the opportunity, break away from the wife and tell him something non-threatening in your most threatening voice... "I'm watching you, motherfucker!"

If your wife sees you and asks, tell her you were taking care of some long overdue business.

_io

You are not in a solid place in your marriage, so don't treat this party as "downtime."  You have a job to do showing the EA that you are on to him, and showing your wife that you are capable of having a good time around others.  Don't drink on the job.

AlphaGuy

I had to do the same thing, my wife had an EA with one of best friends husbands. Eventually, we were going to see each other at the grocery store, school or some other social event. I just gave him the stink eye and she was not allowed to talk to him for like a year. Now we tolerate each other at social gatherings but clearly we are not anywhere as close as we all once were. He knows he's walking on eggshells around my wife now.

The_Dude

I don't know why you wouldn't use the chance to tell the guy to fuck off directly. In front of his wife (if he has one) if possible.

Crashaxe

AlphaGuy said:

I had to do the same thing, my wife had an EA with one of best friends husbands. Eventually, we were going to see each other at the grocery store, school or some other social event. I just gave him the stink eye and she was not allowed to talk to him for like a year. Now we tolerate each other I tolerate him at social gatherings but clearly we are not anywhere as close as we all once were. He knows he's walking on eggshells around my wife me and knows better than to step out of line with my wife now.

Fixed that for you.

AlphaGuy

Crashaxe said:

AlphaGuy said:

I had to do the same thing, my wife had an EA with one of best friends husbands. Eventually, we were going to see each other at the grocery store, school or some other social event. I just gave him the stink eye and she was not allowed to talk to him for like a year. Now we tolerate each other I tolerate him at social gatherings but clearly we are not anywhere as close as we all once were. He knows he's walking on eggshells around my wife me and knows better than to step out of line with my wife now.

Fixed that for you.

Ha! Funny... Thanks!

rgoltn

Thanks guys.  Great input!

rgoltn

I dropped a semi-bomb last night.  Many of you will probably not agree with my actions, but I have decided to take control and make this shit work or not.  My wife is incapable at this point.

Since our vacation, my wife has done nothing to move forward and work on herself.  She says she wants to exercise, eat better, do Yoga, get off Ambien etc.  It has been 30 days and she has done nothing.  She is doing the same old shit every day and is not ‘showing up’ in our marriage.  I am tired of it.  She has checkout’d and is unable to do anything but coast.  She is not present.  She is depressed, but does not wish to seek help.  I am angry, tired of it and have no desire to be in this type of marriage.  I have seen too many of her GF’s end marriages where they coasted for years not addressing things.  Most are 40+ single, narcissistic and miserable.

It is clear that she not only as crafted me as her dad, but all of the shit I do to help her, our family etc. has me overreaching in our marriage.  She is a mother, sales exec, friend, wife and lover; the last two, of which, she is failing and I told her so.  She does not communicate and I have to push things into a crisis situation for her to open up.  I realize it was this way 3 years ago in counseling and it was this way when I found out about EA.  Nothing has changed.  She does not treat me as a man; she does not have the guts to tell me how she really feels out of either fear of hurting me or her own inabilities.

She agreed to everything I said.

She has whined recently about having never lived alone; she went from mom & dad to college roommates, back to her parents and then me.  She does not how to pay the bills online, fix the wifi and do other bullshit stuff.  She says she feels like a teenager who has not evolved and honestly, she may be right.  I am the adult who makes decisions, puts the energy into the marriage and knows how to communicate.  I do not supplicate her, but I help shoulder the load and allow her space to do things for herself.  Now, she gives her energy to everyone but me.  She represses her emotions and exists in a state of denial.  That is how she deals; look externally and ignore what is in front of her.  I told her I am tired of ‘her crumbs’ and deserve more. 

She probably wants me to leave, so she does not have to be the one to separate/divorce, AND is deathly afraid of being on her own at the same time.  She holds on to her anger about the past and is unsure if she can function in the marriage; she continues to possess trust & respect issues with me.  I get that and must deal with it.  Yet, when I move forward with shit to build it back, she does not want to participate nor show interest in seeing things are improving.

She also admits to her own self-hatred and anger.  She never said anything to me about how the business was impacting her (or us) and that she regrets never speaking up as an ‘adult.’  While I take ownership in not seeing what was happening, she continues to wallow in make believe world of ‘should’ve, could’ve and would’ve.’

So, I created a crisis and gave her a choice:

1.       She begins ‘showing up’ in our marriage and start working with me, counselors etc. to address the core issues and move towards repairing things within the framework of our marriage.  I told her I am 1000% in and will do the hard work, beside her (NOT for her,) together to get back on track.

2.       She moves out for a temporary separation for 6-months.  If she feels that she must live on her own in order to evolve, than fine.  She needs to go get an apartment, set up her cable, wifi etc. and pay her bills like a ‘big girl.’  She can use the time to feel her independence, figure things out and work on herself.  After 6 months, we decide if she moves back in or not.

She asked why she was the one to move out and my response was that she was the one who feels like she has to live on her own. I do not and have no intention of leaving my house.  Now, there is a real possibility that she will reach out to EA or another dude who is ‘not her daddy’ and latch on to him.  I told her that if another guy comes into the play; she ignores working on herself, than papers will be served and assets will get divided.

I am an optimist and hopeful we can get back on track.  I love her dearly and she knows that no guy will ever love her more than me.  I have seen her at her best and worst.  I know the essence of her core and have never been unfaithful although I have had plenty of opportunities too.  She also knows and understands that I am not going to waste my time feeling sorry for myself about the business nor stay married to someone who does not know what she wants, cannot function as an adult and won't be the type of woman I require.

We will go to our party tonight and I will be the man I am. She has the weekend to think about it.

I know many of you probably think that this is a bad move, but I do not give a fuck.  If she is unwilling to do any work, together or individually, than she is not the woman I thought she was and our 22 yr. run will end.  She can find out what other guys are like and I will begin a new chapter.  Life is too short.  The universe does not give a flying fuck about you, me or anyone (Johnny Truant.)  I will have to move on and enjoy life without her.

PaisleyPark

I get your frustration. I dealt with it also. My wife had affair. She turned into a zombie after the A/B. I think I wrote the same thing when I was going through repair(your frustrations). I have stated this before but it hit home for me. Athol told me "that's great, affair is over but she is still stuck with a husband she is not attracted to"

Everyone told me on here to MAP my ass off. Be a leader and shit doesn't happen over night. From my stand point, you need to focus on yourself. Why did she have to go have an EA? You both are at fault. You know whats best for you and family, but I would just say SLOW DOWN a bit. Give it some time.

I wish you the best of luck.

rgoltn

She has not addressed the EA with me.  We discussed it.  I brought it up last night and said we have not talked about it at all.  She jumped in and said word-for-word..."Because it is easier for me to deny that it took place than talk about it..that is what I am good at, denial, and 'sticking my head in the sand' pretending it did not happen."

I know the EA is both of our faults.  I am MAP'ng my ass off and she commented last night that I look fantastic.  I have worked hard and completely remade my body.  Last night was part of it too.  She was quite shocked and relieved that I took us 'there;' forcing us to address things and with her, specifically.  3-4 of my friends, 2 divorced, said they wish they had done what I did rather than waste years in purgatory.

I do not want a divorce and she knows it.  She told me that she loves me deeply and is still very attracted to me.  There was no ILYBIANILWY talk.  Yet, she cannot get let go of her anger and forge ahead.  I will go slow and not do anything drastic.  However, I cannot force her to do anything.

PaisleyPark

Sounds like your heading in the right direction. You can only change yourself. You can only hope she comes along for the ride. Just remember the MAP is not only physical, but everything else that goes along with being a leader.

At some point her anger and the EA will have to be addressed for you two to move forward.