Do you map together or keep it secret?

simone

Hi guys,

I've been reading the forum for a little while and just ordered the book. Can't wait to read it and get to work.

This is my first post and it is probably a real newbie question.

Do you map together with your SO, or do you keep it a secret?

My first thought was, I'll keep it a secret and will just work hard on improving myself. For example, I've already started going to the gym three times per week and have lost 8 pounds. He's definitely noticing.

My second thought, maybe it's good to work together on this, or at least to not keep reading the book a secret. Then he can join in if he likes.

The downside is that he's not really into self-help books, telling me that I'm to smart to read that kind of stuff.

How would you approach this? What has worked well for you?

RebuildingHusband

My wife and I have both read the book... but my unveiling was out of necessity to save our relationship.  Many will advise to just STFU and MAP.  I think that is the best course of action in most cases.  Make yourself awesome and eventually your partner will want to know what's up.  It's up to you if you want to share with them.

Capster

Maybe this blog post might help?:

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/06/when-to-reveal-mmsl/

JesusMarimba

My wife would have ask me about my life for her to learn of my MAP.

One of my "monkeys" during my time with Athol was to get her to read the book. I asked. She looked at me. I looked at her. She looked at the book on the counter. Crickets chirped. She looked at me. I laughed and that was that.

I figure she probably picked up the book, read Athol's inscription on the first page... and that was that.

Somebody here had a most excellent quote that I'd like to find. In essence it was his wife saying how things were horrible before, none of the changes he implemented had changed anything in their relationship, and things were better now.

Tiger_Lily

@simone - there is also a middle road. DH is also not into self-help books and as recently as three months ago would have been offended if he thought that I was trying to manipulate him with something I got out of a book. I haven't hidden the fact that I was reading the books and the forum, I've read it all on my iPad while sitting next to him on the couch but I never told him that I was on any sort of plan or program. And acted a little coy when he half-heartedly asked, once or twice, what I was doing... I think that in itself was kind of exciting to him, mysterious and alluring, esp. bc things were improving very quickly at the same time. Now we're to the point that I've downloaded the Kindle app on his iPad and he's read almost all of MAP and may start on MMSLP soon. He's definitely taking it to heart and implementing a lot of things from there, but we're still not formally "MAPing" - we're just not calling it that, we haven't even written out our reds and yellows (although I think I will, soon, just for accountability), we're just doing our own thing and reaping the rewards .

The only thing I have kept secret is my being here on this forum, as I worry that he might see it as disloyalty if he found out, telling all our private things to the world. Or could have seen it that way in our bad old days. He's not on the forum himself AFAIK, but if I thought he was I would probably delete all my posts. I spend too much time here myself anyway .

So I would say you do your own thing, and unless you are to the point of throwing down the gauntlet like @RebuildingHusband, don't worry about formally announcing it, and if/when the time is right you'll know it.

simone

@RebuildingHusband, thank you, that's what I'll do! Work on becoming more awesome...

@Capster thank you for the link, it was really helpful. I think I'll keep it a secret for now.

@JesusMarimba That's interesting and probably something like what would happen to me. I'd rather try to make him curious of reading it than trying to make him.

@Tiger_Lily - that's really helpful. I think I'll read it myself first and start getting to work to test it for a few weeks. Then I'll probably be a bit more obvious with reading it.

Can't wait to get my book shipment now...

Serenity

Hi and welcome.

I wouldn't push to get your husband to read the book. Speak with actions, not words.

As he sees the changes you make and the improvements, he will become intrigued.

Be a bit mysterious about the whole thing and see what happens.

Most of all, do your Map in plain view. Let him clearly see the improvements happening. This is a really effective way for motivating your partner.

liquid

IF my husband pays attention to my Kindle books, then he knows I have the MAP book. He knows that I have been losing weight and upping my girl game stuff, and working on both my attitude and my home-making. The whole family knows; it's not easy to hide!

When I quote the book or blog, I am vague - "Something I read" - as I read a lot and he doesn't care where I read it, as he is not a reader so I know that he is not going to ask for a link or to borrow the book. When I mention something I read here, I just call it my weight-loss board as it's totally normal for me to be on some forum.

So, my Mapping is not a secret but MMSL kind of is.