Well, I guess it's about time

betafiedbetafied Boston, MASilver Member Posts: 49
edited March 2014 in Introduce Yourself
For the past few months I have been taking MMSL only half serious. My wife trolls the forums frequently, and to be quite honest, it makes me extremely uncomfortable...so here I am, giving it my go ahead. I am just south of 30, married 5 years, together for about 9. Double income, no kids. We like to travel, I am a musician and a lot of time is devoted to that. We own our house, 2 cars, and have steady jobs.

Ruling out medical - I am in the process of this right now. Signs seem to point to low T, and I am getting the work done to see. When we do have sex (which isn't frequently) its great. I have never had a problem performing and quite honestly, I think my wife is hot as hell. A lot of it tends to do with the "oh I am tired, it was a long work day". Which eventually turned into me just forgetting how to initiate. We are pretty open about our problems and I think thats the first step...but for now medical is TBD

Structural issues. I have started to run the MAP and am eating better and more healthy calories. I have always been a lean guy, but played sports for most of my life. I work out 3-4 times a week,  am still on the slender side but have muscles. I have a job where I make in the 6 figure ballpark and am well respected at work by a lot of upper management, despite my younger age. Overall I am very healthy, spend a lot of time outdoors when not in the office.

Neglect - Like I said I am a musician. Its something I know has troubled my wife for a long time for two reasons perhaps. One is that this typically happens in a bar setting. I have had issues with drinking in the past, but rarely drink if ever now and usually will only have a beer...she still thinks I am walking a thin line so I tend to stay away. I think my wife has always had an issue with my perhaps "extreme" passion for music, as its what seemingly makes me happiest in life. Its something that I spend a lot of time on, and perhaps neglect her as a result (example, we were planning a trip the other day and I stopped to send some band photos I had taken for a friend). As we have gone further down this path, I think it may have bothered her more and more, though she rarely admits it. I also have little to nothing to do with her family, while she is very close with mine and best friends with my sister. Another thing I think neglect may come into play with.

Sexual sources - My wife and I have been pretty open about this as well. Masturbation frequency and those kind of talks have come up. I dont think she has gone outside the marriage, given her vocality about it, but if it happened in the future and the situation hadnt changed. It wouldnt surprise me. If it got to that point, it would be all over for me.

When did it go bad? My wife seems to think that it started off weird. As my "handle" suggests, I have always been beta, the nice guy, somewhat shy. Dont get me wrong, I love sex! But its the initiation that I have always struggled with I suppose. Over time, this pattern has perpetuated itself. The sex is less frequent, attitudes change, and I think above all else, at times its her attitude towards me that I am not necessarily attracted too more so than her "sexiness". Something that I have not been able to bring up to her.

The elephant I suppose would be that sometimes its her attitude that turns me away from wanting to initiate. She is a much stronger personality than I am. She has "taken the lead" in the relationship, makes a lot of the choices, and often times I feel belittled. She has a somewhat sarcastic streak and I suppose a lot of times I take that as an attack and get defensive. I have tried to take charge of things, but typically it goes unseen or its not quite enough. This is something I think would really bring that spark back to the relationship. She is certainly "the leader".

The good times are plenty. We travel frequently, see shows all of the time. My wife is my best friend, she is the person I see the most and enjoy the most of anyone else in the world. I dont think she genuinely believes that (here I got beta again) and it hurts sometimes. She is the best thing that has happened to me...HELP MMSL, I need to win her back!



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Comments

  • MasterOfTheUniverseMasterOfTheUniverse USASilver Member Posts: 507
    Welcome! Did she "catch" you on the forum and get curious, or did she come here first and tell you about it? Either way, treat it as a blessing that she is "red pill aware" and she cares enough about the marriage to be open to options to fix it.

    You sound a bit like me (although i have no musical talent, lol) in that you are a passive person. Are you sexually submissive/passive as well? I had a ex-gf who was a type-A personality like your wife, and it spoiled me sexually, because she was so aggressive in bed. (and, predictably, she is my "ex." Wonder why???) She may want the dominance dialed up in the bedroom. She obviously wants it dialed up outside of the bedroom too, but you can take some baby steps by initiating harder and taking control in bed.

    Do you not like her family? If the in-laws arent crazy people, that's another way to get a quick win.

    This takes time, though, so strap youself in.
    Changed_Manfordsvt
  • OneEyedDrunkOneEyedDrunk Out West Silver Member Posts: 1,808
    Things got better when I turned up the dominance in the bedroom. My wife still tries to run the show. I throw her on the bed and have my way with her. I had t out-alpha her at one point to get her respect.
    oneeyeddrunk.weebly.com
    Changed_Manfordsvt
  • Jen_KayJen_Kay Posts: 374
    Welcome to the forum! Glad you are now both here- keep communicating about that and don't "post behind each other's backs". Letting a forum topic bring up a discussion at home is good. Letting posting on the forum get in the way of actual communication in your actual home is bad.
    [Deleted User]Angeline
  • betafiedbetafied Boston, MASilver Member Posts: 49
    Thanks for the encouragement! We actually had another interesting conversation last evening about the forum. She asked why I didn't mention her handle her on mmsl. My reasoning was we are here for somewhat different reasons or at least views of the problem so it didn't come across that I should mention it. What are folks thoughts about that ? I guess interacting on the forum may lead to problems but allowing others to hear both sides may help with feedback...
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    I think it would work better if we know who she is. Has she posted her perspective?
    [Deleted User]
  • betafiedbetafied Boston, MASilver Member Posts: 49
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    Ok, so I haven't read back over her thread yet but I remember the basics. I would say this would probably work better if she stays away from the forum for a while.
    And both of you should be careful not to get into it here. Just remember, no one here knows either of you so let go of the need to prove yourself or defend your reputation.
    Maybe someone else has a pointer to the posts regarding couples being on here at he same time and how to handle that.
    Mainly, keep it civil. Talk about it first if in doubt about what your going to post.
    [Deleted User]
  • SManSMan Silver Member Posts: 1,126
    The_Dude said:
    Ok, so I haven't read back over her thread yet but I remember the basics.
    http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/10308/long-time-lurker-finally-speaks/p1

    Should make it easier for everyone to catch up.

    [Deleted User]RangerJohn
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853

    The_Dude said:
    You have to turn this around ASAP.
    Completely agree.
    Don't be lulled into complacency because she is on the forum, trying to fix the marriage.
  • betafiedbetafied Boston, MASilver Member Posts: 49
    I'll try to address the last 3 comments in one go.
    Regarding the ex thing...she was talking to him and actually went behind my back to see him. Had she said in going to go and see my ex I would have been very clear that that shit was not happening. At this point, if I saw the dude id lay him out. And working on that puppy dog thing. It's slow but I am catching myself more often where I would typically ask "what are you doing?" If she gets up. I even pulled a toss her on the bed move and take her after work the other day. Something that hadn't happened in a long while and hopefully we see more of. Also been working out more and building up my chest and arms.

    Not sure you read the finances thing correctly. They used to be a problem of me not including her on purchase decisions or making her aware of them. I make a 6 figure salary, have been trying to be more responsible about the bills I am in charge of but all our money is in the same place and all our current debt is shared (car and mortgage).

    Had my blood work done today (specific to T and excess estrogen). So more on that when the results come back in.
  • betafiedbetafied Boston, MASilver Member Posts: 49
    Also, just to mention. The ex thing happened about 4 years ago to give folks a sense of time. I should have alpha-ed up in the circumstance, sure.
  • betafiedbetafied Boston, MASilver Member Posts: 49



    Do you not like her family? If the in-laws arent crazy people, that's another way to get a quick win.

    She has a strained relationship with her father but I get along alright with him when they are in good terms. His side of the "family" (best friend and his kids who are like uncles and aunts) I get along with great. I get along ok with one of her brothers, he is a nice guy but lives out of state so we don't see him often. Her mother and other siblings have some mental health and addiction issues (as mentioned in her triage) and i prefer as little contact as I can there.
  • betafiedbetafied Boston, MASilver Member Posts: 49
    Mandrill said:

    If both you and your wife think that alcohol may be having a negative effect on your life, it's a drinking problem .

    As mentioned in my triage, it's something I am addressing personally and it has made a big difference in our relationship in the past year of me stopping drinking and cutting way back. We don't fight about this any more.
  • betafiedbetafied Boston, MASilver Member Posts: 49
    I can tell you I'm not here to have confrontations with folks. I'm here to learn how to be a better man and husband. I am merely clarifying the situation and history so that maybe some folks can better assess what has been going on. I apologize if it came across as confrontational in my above comment. Just trying to be open and clear about all the circumstances.
  • betafiedbetafied Boston, MASilver Member Posts: 49
    @The_Dude‌ thanks for the encouragement too. I appreciate the honest feedback followed by a "you can do this". I've been trying harder in the past month to make this work and be a better man. Just hoping to see those results on her end.
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    edited April 2014

     betafied said:

    I'll try to address the last 3 comments in one go. Regarding the ex thing...she was talking to him and actually went behind my back to see him. Had she said in going to go and see my ex I would have been very clear that that shit was not happening.

    "Before talking to my ex, I asked my husband if he had a problem with it (giving him the opportunity to mate guard which he didn’t even try to do) and he said he was fine and just didn’t want to hear about it. After my ex tried to kiss me and I had to stop him, I cut off all ties to him. I also told my husband (though not until this past year). He again told me it was okay and I did the right thing by cutting off communication. Is it wrong that I wished he would get mad and show that he cares?"

     

     I'm curious why there is such a difference in perception.  I know this is a pain but try to be thoughtful here and not defensive.

    [Deleted User]Eightbit
  • betafiedbetafied Boston, MASilver Member Posts: 49
    edited April 2014
    @The_Dude‌ so my wife said she was talking via email/Facebook to her ex. She said it was about bands, books, etc. just someone to talk those things over about. This (at the time) was what I didn't have much of a problem with. Hindsight is 20/20 though right? We live a few states away from where, he lives. So the chance if actually running into him was slim in my mind. This was also 3-4 years back. We were in a different place I think. I was drinking a lot more back then, indifferent to feelings. I think this past year has changed a lot in my perception of the relationship.

    Let me know if that helps at all! Thanks guys, I appreciate the interest and insight. It's good to not be alone in this.
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