Need to Vent - "Buy Me Stuff" Isn't Funny

Kickboxer

I need to vent.  Recently my wife hit me with “you need to be more romantic”.  I determined a long time ago that I am the more empathic partner and far more inclined to care about someone else.  Of course that is very different than actually doing something about the other person.  So I quizzed her about this statement as I didn’t understand what she meant.  I was bluntly told I should “buy her more stuff” and not be so demanding about sex.  I had just initiated and it wasn’t a gentle approach.  Apparently she had been upset with me since that afternoon over some text messages.

Me: My Netflix is a kid movie. So if they get their homework done they can watch it tonight.

Her: OK

Me: And if they’re busy watching movies I’ll be busy mounting you…

No response from her.

So after this comes to light we snuggle in bed talking.  We are both in our underwear and it’s clear she is still ready for sex.  I however at that point decided to just talk and not treat her like some sex object.  She then had to initiate or I would have just passed on sex for the night.  We did have sex.

We are the classic nuclear family and it really stings to be told I need to buy her stuff after I already provide the resources to literally buy everything we own.  I know she wants me to show I’m thinking of her and her needs by getting her things.  But after the annual Valentine’s Day stupidity I’m really not inclined to run out and get her anything. 

Short version of last Valentine’s Day: A little late getting to the movie theater to meet her and the kids because I was buying Brazilian chocolate for each of them.  When I found them in line for concessions I was told they didn’t buy me a ticket.

I know my story here is a little hard to follow which is fine because I just want to vent.  The implication that I don’t get her enough stuff has been bothering me.  On one hand I want to ask, “So what will anal cost me?  What about ejaculating somewhere besides her loins?”  On the other hand I do believe I understand that she wants less “caveman is going to carry you off” treatment and more “baby you look so good let’s make the Earth move” approach.

So my plan is to first not buy her anything for a couple of weeks or I will end up looking like that beta man who had a bad marriage from a few years ago.  I have always needed to work on my initiations and I now have some feedback I can work with.  I am not sure if I should discuss with her just how upset this made me as I don’t think anything other than a fight will result.  If this happens again I think I will make the “What will anal cost me?” joke.  After that I would have to think about if I had managed to change any of my behavior.  With any luck “buy me stuff” is a symptom and not a real need of hers.

JellyBean

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time.

Is it possible that receiving gifts is one of your wife's Love Languages?

Mine are Acts of Service and Quality Time.  If I'm not getting those needs met, it's hard for me to feel great about the marriage.

I'm not saying you should just go out and buy her stuff all the time in exchange for sex -- not at all!  I'm just pointing out that if Receiving Gifts is a primary LL for her, it might be worth exploring.

Kathrynthegreat

Question for the class: how do we tell the difference between gifts as.a love language and entitled/demanding?

Angeline

Kathrynthegreat said:

Question for the class: how do we tell the difference between gifts as.a love language and entitled/demanding?

Being ridiculously pleased over small, thoughtful gifts, the random one flower not the V-Day dozen), bragging to others about them.

RebuildingHusband

Buy her some 6" heels and tiny panties. I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture then! Lol

That sounds nuts from where I'm sitting. Sorry bro.

Dreadpiratkevin

Kathrynthegreat said:

Question for the class: how do we tell the difference between gifts as.a love language and entitled/demanding?

If the value of the gift is mostly in it's thoughtfulness, and it meets their need for gifts, than that's their love language.  If the value needs to measured in carats, probably not. 

As an example, I was on a business trip recently and ate out at a nice BBQ place.  My wife loves ribs, so I ordered a full rack, had half wrapped up and took it home to her.  She knows it cost me nothing as it's covered by the expense account, but appreciated the thoughtfulness anyway.  

Templar

Kathrynthegreat said:

Question for the class: how do we tell the difference between gifts as.a love language and entitled/demanding?

My take:
If you demand gifts, and demand them frequently or gifts make you happy for about 20 minutes only or are pissy until you receive a gift, you are entitled. If even small gifts make you smile later in the day/week, it is more likely that gifts are your love language.

FarmGirl

I have a favorite beer made by a local brewer here in California. It's only available in one store in our small town. On occassion hubby will stop off an buy a couple of bottles for us to enjpy that evening even though the store is out of his way most of the time.

I don't ask him to do this- but I enjoy the fact that he takes the extra time and knows my taste so well.

I think if I were asking/demanding that he run all over town then it would be a different story.

Kickboxer maybe its not that she's being bratty or anything. It may well be that she simply wants to know that you are thinking of her during the day and not just sex with her. She may also feel lke she's not getting something from you that she needs, but cannot put her finger on it and landed on this.

It almost sounds like she can't figure out why the text initiation put her off so badly.

Frank_London

She didn't just say she wanted more gifts. she wants more gifts and less initiation, a package deal. Doing that is a fast track to less sex. But interestingly, the initiation immediately prior that triggered her to say this, in your words, "wasn't a gentle approach". Maybe you're not doing enough comfort building.

Your instinct to buy her no gifts in the near future sounds right to me.
Particularly given this:

Kickboxer said:

Short version of last Valentine’s Day: A little late getting to the movie theater to meet her and the kids because I was buying Brazilian chocolate for each of them.  When I found them in line for concessions I was told they didn’t buy me a ticket.

btw, I LOL'ed at your "What will anal cost me" line.

stillasamountain

Angeline said:

Question for the class: how do we tell the difference between gifts as.a love language and entitled/demanding?

Being ridiculously pleased over small, thoughtful gifts, the random one flower not the V-Day dozen), bragging to others about them.

Start small as a test. Skittles?

Ok, if you don't want to be an utter douche... a single flower per Angeline or something else simple, cheap and heartfelt. It should be clear pretty soon if it's truly the thought that counts or she's just being venal here.

Like Frank mentioned, I'd be wary about the one-two punch of more loot / less sex.

hoping4better

This is just code for low attraction. Keep building attraction. . . And options.

Mojo

My FO had been dropping hints about an ipad before her birthday last year. 

Her problem was that this coincided with 2 weeks of shit tests and disrespect in the run up to birthday, so do you know what I did?  Took the I pad back to the shop a couple of days before her birthday, got myself a full refund and got her some clothes vouchers instead.

Don't reward bad behaviour.

JesusMarimba

Mojo said:

My FO had been dropping hints about an ipad before her birthday last year. 

Her problem was that this coincided with 2 weeks of shit tests and disrespect in the run up to birthday, so do you know what I did?  Took the I pad back to the shop a couple of days before her birthday, got myself a full refund and got her some clothes vouchers instead.

Don't reward bad behaviour.

Years ago, I bought my wife a lovely birthday gift. A jade owl pendant.

After I completed the purchase, I turned away from the counter and became physically nauseous. As I was walking towards the restroom, I realized that I'd had a physical reaction to acting like a bitch. My wife didn't deserve such a gift from me and every fiber of my being knew it.

Instead of giving her the owl, I went out and bought for her exactly what she had given me a few weeks earlier: tupperware.

I found it interesting that a perfectly acceptable gift for me was a mortal insult for her.

Edit: I found it interesting. I didn't find it surprising. 

redheaded_woman

@JesusMarimba‌ What happened to the owl?

Kickboxer

I appreciate all of the comments.

Update:

I did not initiate for two days. That was unusual as we had been acting like bunnies. We usually have some flirty texts during the day with a picture from her. That stopped for those two days. Saturday night I initiated with, "let's go upstairs and make the earth move." Movement achieved. That night we were both up in the middle of the night and had a quickie. On Sunday morning she didn't want to go to church. I asked her what she would do to skip, specifically joking about anal. We went to church but the joke was well received.

I will be buying her some little trinket soon. I will also put a reminder in my phone to get her something maybe once a month or so.

JesusMarimba

It's always about the bling with you, isn't it?

The next year, it became a gift to her from our daughter.

If she hadn't straightened up her act, it would have been given to our daughter. As I had found that I'd developed a taste for buying my wife tupperware.