Question about telling the spouse of affair partner about the affair

SMan

This is a philosophical question that was started by something @Unplugged said.

I decided to start a new thread here for it, because it seemed it might introduce a mess of off-topic comments in his thread on "Wife ambivalent about monogamy"

@Unplugged said:

She asked me not to retaliate against him. He's married with two children. I told her that wasn't my intention.

Here's the question:

One could frame this as either:

1. Telling other guy's wife= caring for the innocent partner / retaliation against the guy
2. Not telling other guy's wife= caring for the guy / harming the innocent wife

For example, ask yourself how you would feel if someone who knew about the affair hid it from you so you went on with no warning and got an STD.

So is it unethical to not tell the spouse of the other man / other woman about the affair?

Some people seem to think it's ethical to keep quiet.

A second related question, in the spirit of the Golden Rule is, how would you feel if you found out that the spouse of the affair partner caught them, but withheld the information from you?

Timitz

Welcome to the Fleet.

To answer the second question, I would want to know.

To answer the first one, if I was cheated on I would tell their spouse too.

If it was someone else I knew, it would be a lot tougher of a decision to make. Ultimately, I think the right thing to do is still to tell the spouse, but I think it would be a really tough decision. At a minimum you would need to tell your friend it was wrong and to stop.

JesusMarimba

I'd totally keep quiet about it.

I want her to be in the dopamine fog for as long as possible during the divorce. That's to my advantage. She'll give up a lot to get away from Skippy McLoser (aka @JesusMarimba). Hell, I may even get full custody if her white knight OM wants her to be taking care of his kids and not her own.

Other than that, well...  I'd nuke them from orbit.

It's the only way to be sure.

Angeline

Yo, Skippy (fist bump).

I agonized over this. She was my best friend, the two families spent tons of time together. In retrospect I should have done it, simply for the practical reason that they wouldn't have been able to stay in the neighborhood if they'd divorced, and thus she would not have been so accessible for the affair to start back up (which it did).

Templar

No doubt for me (as sure as I can be, not having gone through it) - I would tell the spouse of the cheater. Both sides of the affair need to end.

Tennee

Edited - I edited my comments as I decided that Mr. Hyde got to the surface and wrote them instead of me - sometimes he gets loose before I can get his chains back on...  

Yes, I would want to know.  Yes, I would blow it up.   No, I would not let any threats, real or perceived, of upsetting anther's domestic bliss get in my way.   Part of me - I can admit this component of my sterling personality - would absolutely be doing this out of vengeance.  The rest would be because simply its the correct thing to do - to start to get past a horrible situation.  And personally, I could not live with myself if I did not get it out. 

The_Dude

Angeline said:

Yo, Skippy (fist bump).

I agonized over this. She was my best friend, the two families spent tons of time together. In retrospect I should have done it, simply for the practical reason that they wouldn't have been able to stay in the neighborhood if they'd divorced, and thus she would not have been so accessible for the affair to start back up (which it did).

This is exactly why you blow it up. Perfect perfect example.

Elaine

I would definitely tell the spouse because I think withholding information is the same as lying.  I also think it would be somewhat necessary to ensure it doesn't start back up (if I stayed with him), as well as show him the rippling effects and consequences of his bad choices. 

As for the bonus question, I would not be angry with the betrayed spouse for not telling me if I didn't know  him.  I would prefer he tell me, but I would understand if he chose not to.  For some it would be too difficult.  Now if it was a friend I would expect him to tell me and would be upset if he didn't.  I hold my friends to higher standard than a random stranger. 

The_Dude

@simplegirl‌ I'm starting to understand your threads. :-)

mrjoshua7

I didn't tell and it started back up - but I didn't know the whole truth. If I had blown it up, they would have definitely run away together.
Looking back, that might have been for the best.
Oh - and I would definitely want to know.

Cowboy

I would definitely tell.  If it was me, I would want to know.

Ethically, I don't see any problem with telling the other person whatsoever. Someone commits a terrible act, then gets caught, and gets mad at whoever clued the spouse in.  That's like stealing someone's wallet then being mad that he went to the police.  To me, that's classic blaming the victim.

The_Dude

mrjoshua7 said:

I didn't tell and it started back up - but I didn't know the whole truth. If I had blown it up, they would have definitely run away together.
Looking back, that might have been for the best.
Oh - and I would definitely want to know.

I didn't know this part of the story. Very typical though. I had a complicated scenario. She had an EA going prior to the real affair. It wasn't 'romantic' but way over the line flirting and secret.
I killed the primary affair dead. But I didn't blow up the EA guys marriage. I should have. He contacted her again about a year later. I didn't make the same mistake twice.

You think they would have run off together? Why didn't that happen after you found out the second time? When did all this happen? After we talked the first time?

The_Dude

@simplegirl‌ I think the mistake you and your counselor are making in this regard is this. If you don't inform the OM or OW's spouse, then the affair is still running for them. That person is wondering why their marriage is all screwed up and why nothing they do is working. Maybe if ten years go by and the affair partner hasn't gotten into an affair with someone else they may get lucky and fix the relationship. To me there is no difference than when someone comes here with a situation that signals affair. We get them to go look for it because if it's out there the map won't work.

If it were me, I would want someone to have the balls to tell me. I don't want to live in some bullshit illusion. I'd rather take the pain regardless of the outcome. The only thing worse I can think of than finding out is living on as the chump that doesn't know.

But the main reason is this. You have to act in your own self interest. This is big real life changing stuff. Worrying about someone else's marriage at your own expense is just not smart. Killing the affair with every tool in the toolbox is the right thing to do for you and your spouse. Your OW showed back up. It happens over and over again. You should take the decision that has the highest likelihood of avoiding that. If blowing it up helps you, blow it up.
If it doesn't help or hurt I guess you can start worrying about the ethics of it. Knowing what I know now, I'd clue the OMW in unless it was going to hurt me in some way.

SMan

The_Dude said:

I would want someone to have the balls to tell me.

That's what I meant by the Golden Rule principle

"Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you"

@simplegirl‌ , are you really trying to tell us you would rather be kept in ignorance? 

When you could get an STD? 
When your family finances are being siphoned off? 
When you just can't seem to get the sex from your spouse that you should be, and you have no idea why?

Would you really want someone who knew, and could give you the key to what's wrong adn protect you from harm, to keep you in ignorance?

And would you do that to another person?

Only you can answer for yourself, but the only thing worse than being in the blue pill Matrix, is to actually want to live in the blue pill Matrix . . .



. . . or perhaps it would be condemning someone else to have to stay in it . . . Golden Rule / Karma . . .

Reborn

Tennee said:

Edited - I edited my comments as I decided that Mr. Hyde got to the surface and wrote them instead of me - sometimes he gets loose before I can get his chains back on...  

  

Oh, you get that too?

Tennee

@Reborn‌ yeah, he didn't break too much this time. But my original post was much more anger fueled. Agree totally with all the positive, self protection, 'good' reasons above. But am I the only one (admitting thus far at least) who'd take solace in the "take that MFer" aspect of it? Really?

Joskin_Nodd

@SMan: "So is it unethical to not tell the spouse of the other man / other woman about the affair?"

This is even a question? Is it unethical if you find out a coworker has been embezzling from the company to tell somebody? Is it unethical if you see a mugger snatch an old lady's purse to chase him down or notify the police? I don't see the dilemma. I understand why everybody involved would want the minimum of damage to be done by the bad decisions they made and they are now regretting, but it's not ethical to keep the wronged spouse in the dark. 
"Some people seem to think it's ethical to keep quiet."

Other than the affair partners, who? 

"A second related question, in the spirit of the Golden Rule is, how would you feel if you found out that the spouse of the affair partner caught them, but withheld the information from you?"

I would hate that motherfucker with every fiber of my being for all eternity, and my ghost would haunt him/her before it would haunt my cheating spouse. 

PhoenixDown

Not only would I tell the OW's husband, but I'd tell her whole family, hack her Facebook page and tell all her friends, and then bleach "WHORE" into her front yard.

But I have a wee bit of a temper.

Frank_London

Joskin_Nodd said:

This is even a question? Is it unethical if you find out a coworker has been embezzling from the company to tell somebody?

Perfect analogy.

If you know about an affair, you're seeing someone get screwed over, and that person doesn't even know what is being done to them. Just as the thief is sweeping the bank accounts clean, the cheated-on partner isn't even aware that their marital capital is getting swept clean.

Monkeys_Uncle

If we are talking about an acquaintance, I would tell if it was an ongoing affair.  If it was something in the past and had definitely ended, I would keep my mouth shut.  

If we are talking about my wife having an affair, yes I would tell the OM man's wife, parents, children, co-workers, church friends, customers.   It's hard to know exactly what one would do in that situation, but I would want to kill people, and since that wouldn't be productive, totally ruining every aspect of the OM's life would become my mission, and even his children would be on the table.  

Tennee

@Joskin_Nodd‌ said " I would hate that motherfucker with every fiber of my being for all eternity, and my ghost would haunt him/her before it would haunt my cheating spouse."

@RedPillWifey‌ said  "and then bleach "WHORE" into her front yard. "

YEAH!!!!!! Now we're talking!!!!!!!


......Hyde!!!! Get back in your cage in the Unconscious...Bad Hyde Bad!!!!