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Question about telling the spouse of affair partner about the affair

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  • RosesRoses USASilver Member Posts: 720
    I would tell.  Because I would want to know.

    I doubt very much that I would reconcile after a PA.  Of course, one might find a reason not to tell in my home state: alienation of affection is still on the books, that is, one can go after the affair partner with a lawsuit.  Being a community property state, if the affair partner and spouse have lots of financial resources it might be advantages to slap her with a lawsuit before he has time/knows to file for divorce.  Though that would be . . . morally dubious.

    I think one has a moral duty to report an affair to the wronged spouse no matter what: a cheater puts their spouse at risk of STDs.  Not reporting to the wronged spouse is akin to not telling someone that their spouse has been walking around threatening to kill them. Maybe the person won't really hurt them, but you can't know.  (I am aware that my opinion on this is colored by knowing a couple where she found out he was cheating and left, he later contracted HIV, and now is on death row for deliberately infecting women.  Don't think he's been executed yet, takes too darn long in my opinion.)
    [Deleted User]
  • AlectoAlecto Silver Member Posts: 779
    simplegirl said:
    Alecto said:
    @simplegirl -- I think you're laying blame in the wrong place.  It wasn't the person who told you of your husband's affair who destroyed your life, it was your husband when he had the affair.  It may be easier to lay the blame at the feet of this other person because you weren't and aren't in a relationship with them.
    My husband told me. Your argument is null. He confessed without me suspecting a thing or asking a thing.

    He killed a part of me never recoverable. He could have fixed everything without destroying that part of me or throwing our lives into chaos.
    The way you have talked about this makes it sound like an outside person told you about the affair.  I think there is a vast difference between an outside person and one's own spouse confessing.  Whether that is the ideal situation often comes down to why the spouse confessed in the first place.  If it is to transfer their guilt, then it may make a situation much worse.  That said, I think most people are under the impression we've been talking about an external person informing a spouse of a cheating partner in a separate marriage.
    ScarletRicoAlphaBelle
  • thisisjenthisisjen Silver Member Posts: 1,164
    RedPillWifey said:
    Not only would I tell the OW's husband, but I'd tell her whole family, hack her Facebook page and tell all her friends, and then bleach "WHORE" into her front yard.

    But I have a wee bit of a temper.

    Just want to say how much I adore you RPW! I would so blow it up and make them both sorry.

     

    [Deleted User]Tennee[Deleted User]Angela
  • TimitzTimitz Silver Member Posts: 820
    simplegirl said:


    Alecto said:

    @simplegirl -- I think you're laying blame in the wrong place.  It wasn't the person who told you of your husband's affair who destroyed your life, it was your husband when he had the affair.  It may be easier to lay the blame at the feet of this other person because you weren't and aren't in a relationship with them.

    My husband told me. Your argument is null. He confessed without me suspecting a thing or asking a thing.

    He killed a part of me never recoverable. He could have fixed everything without destroying that part of me or throwing our lives into chaos.


    I have a friend who cheated on his wife, realized it was a mistake, broke it off and foxed his marraige. She never found anything out.

    It happens, but its rare.
    "You must be like water which always seeks the easiest and best path around obstacles." Sun Tzu
  • PhoenixDownPhoenixDown TejasGold Women Posts: 10,632
    Exceptions to the rule don't make the rule wrong.

  • PhoenixDownPhoenixDown TejasGold Women Posts: 10,632
    edited April 2014
    I think maybe you implied something from my statement that wasn't there.

    I've tried to expand on that, but it comes across fairly callous no matter how I say it, so I'll just leave it at that.

  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    @simplegirl‌ I'm actually wondering why he told you. He felt guilty and wanted to confess so he would feel less guilty? I find that way too simple to believe.

    Have you put this whole story out here before? I don't remember all this. You still processing it?
    Frank_LondonPersephoneAlphaBelle
  • CaptVereCaptVere Silver Member Posts: 1,592
    Athol summed it up for me.  I would always tell when you're talking about a long term affair with full on fog.  The children are innocent, but in the end I believe that breaking up the affair helps all parties involved.  You not only break up the affair for your spouse, but for the affair partner's spouse as well.  It's not just your wife/husband that is in the fog, but their partner too.  Now both families can heal, divorce, or wherever it may be heading.  I think you're doing them a favor, regardless of the outcome.  

    It does become a bit more tricky to me when it's some kind of one off or the affair partner has already broken it off so your partner is coming out of the fog.  Now the only reason you're telling the affair partner's spouse is revenge or because you would want to know in their position.  If they have no children, I say go for it.  If they do have children, it does seem like a dilemma to me.  I would probably not get involved in this case.  That's their issue to work out, or maybe not if the affair partner has learned their lesson.  I would perhaps also hope for the best case where they work out their relationship and their marriage survives without disclosure.  We've had that discussion here many times before (would you tell your spouse if you had a one off affair that was over and were sure you would never do it again?)

  • SManSMan Silver Member Posts: 1,126
    edited April 2014
    @Timitz said:
    I have a friend who cheated on his wife, realized it was a mistake, broke it off and foxed his marraige. She never found anything out. It happens, but its rare.
    Actually @Timitz , you would be astounded to know how often exactly that thing happens.

    Ask anybody who's done genetic counseling (where paternity fraud is often uncovered in the course of testing for genetic diseases) or anybody who travels a lot with guys for business.

    The serious studies, such as the University of Chicago ones, find that about 6% of the population is having extramarital sex in any given year (narrowly defined as PIV sex between heterosexual couples, at least once or more during a given year- complicated things like emotional affairs, homosexual activities and other things are not included in these studies.)

    The lifetime probability of marriages having an affair at some time during the marriage is about 25%.

    These numbers are much lower than the sensationalist results reported by pop media sources, but they're still huge, when you think about it.

    Red Pill, guys . . . Red Pill . . . don't choke while you swallow it down . . .

    Here's one article with some info about it:

    http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/22/how-common-is-cheating-infidelity-really/

    And note that these numbers are for the United States.  They would probably be different for every other country.  One woman has studied this, informally:

    http://www.alternet.org/story/81022/lust_in_translation:_which_country_has_the_highest_rates_of_infidelity
    The_DudeTimitz
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    @Chief_TC‌ I think in the vest majority of cases, letting it drag out is way more damaging than blowing it up. Case after case here shows this. Almost always the guy is getting more and more damaged until he finally stands up and forces an ultimatum. The longer it drags out, the less respect the woman has left for him and the less likely a good outcome is.
    I don't know the specifics of your case but it would have to be pretty atypical to justify any other path.
    Whether to tell the OMW or not is one tactical decision, but not ensuring it is dead immediately is a mistake in almost all cases.
    By negotiating at all you are sending a powerful message.
    [Deleted User]Joskin_NoddAngelineAlphaBelle
  • RebornReborn LondonGold Men Posts: 2,987
    edited April 2014
    I think the only valid reason to tell the affair partners spouse is as a way of stopping the affair quickly and irreversibly. 
    Enneagram type 5 w6. 
    If I offer lots of advice, it's probably really me giving advice to myself. That always seems to happen. 
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583
    edited April 2014
    Reborn said:

    I think the only valid reason to tell the affair partners spouse is as a way of stopping the affair quickly and irreversibly. 

    That's more than enough for me. The irreversible part is critical and underappreciated by most people going through this. There is a natural bias toward thinking that all the grief and drama was enough to permanently keep them apart. Your wife is breaking down in tears, utterly remorseful, swearing it will never happen again. And she believes it then. She must have learned her lesson right? But it wears off over time.

    Even if you leave the ethics out, there's another reason or two.
    First, you show your not afraid of him. It is way too easy to convince yourself not to do hard messy things out of fear. Don't forget you have an audience.
    Second, it adds to the painful consequences your wife experiences as a result of her actions. Fear helps enforce boundaries.
    Frank_LondonPersephone
  • Joskin_NoddJoskin_Nodd AshwanSilver Member Posts: 4,045
    @The_Dude: "That's more than enough for me."

    This. It's also going to almost always be a reason. I doubt there's ever a case where not blowing up the affair won't end it quicker and keep it from happening again more thoroughly and completely than anything else. 

    It's also the single thing most likely to prevent either person from doing it again. It's a strong disincentive not only to that current affair, but any future affairs that might otherwise be contemplated. 

    "There are no right biscuits." – Mandrill

    HildaCorners
  • SManSMan Silver Member Posts: 1,126

    @The_Dude said:
    • you show your not afraid of him.
    • It is way too easy to convince yourself not to do hard messy things out of fear.
    • Don't forget you have an audience
      Thnks for this @The_Dude .

    This was a new thought for me, and it's very true.

    Keeping in mind that upping your Alphaness to  raise your SMV is key in the long run:
    • show you're not afraid of him . . . Alpha- important
    • not do hard messy things out of fear . . . beta- avoid at all costs
    • you have an audience . . . The healing starts with her seeing you with higher SMV


  • LouiseLouise EnglandSilver Member Posts: 1,622
    I would keep quiet about it. Asking for trouble to tell someone something like that. they would be quite likely to turn on you. if someone told me my husband was having an affair, i would assume they were motivated by malice. Why else would they be telling me something that was going to upset me like that? if you're worried vy someone having an affair, tell the person having it.
  • RangerJohnRangerJohn God's CountrySilver Member Posts: 179
    To me adultery should still be a criminal offense with jail time. The BS is being forced to have sex with other people via their adulterous spouses escapades. To me this is no different than someone being given a date rape drug so as they do not remember a thing. To say I do not know/owe them any thing or "don't want to get involved" does not morally justify NOT stopping the sexual assault being perpetrated against the OM/OW SPOUSE by their adulterous spouse. If I know someone is being assaulted I AM GETTING INVOLVED, I AM THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO SAYS I'M NOT GOING TO ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN! RIGHT IS RIGHT AND WRONG IS WRONG. ITS BLACK AND WHITE. If the oms/ows chooses to ignore, I've done right by them by telling them, they are being sexually assaulted but their spouse, while they are unconscious of it.
    The_Dude
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