Wife Cheated. Need Help Please!

MrNiceGuy

Been here for the past few months and been working on my MAP, no I find out wife has been cheating all along after saying she hadn't been.

Quick background:
Married for 9 years, dated for 7 before that, we were high school sweethearts. We have a 4 year old boy.

What happened (quick version):
She started a new job in November after having the previous job for 9.5 years. She went from working at home and telecommuting to working for a new company in a local business. I could see a change in her very quickly but I attributed it to her liking the compliments and attention from her co-workers for her work ethic, abilities, etc that she was lacking on a daily basis as she previously worked from home. In early February, she came to me about being tired with our relationship. Told me I no longer made her happy and that I couldn't fix it. I crumbled inside. I told her that I felt that I was no longer in love with her too and she agreed. I told her that I thought we could work things out and we were just in a long-term rut. We had been going through the motion for the past few years for the most part as a married couple. We didn't take time for ourselves. We are the ones in our families that take care of everyone else. The first two weeks of February we talked and I begged her to give us another chance. I was made to feel like I was the one that let our relationship go. I felt terrible and was determined to rediscover myself for me, our son and for her. During this time, she was going to hang out with her coworkers at night and I told her I didn't like it. Let me say this too: she worked with 90% men and went from working 32-40 hours a week at her previous job to 60+ hours per week with this new job. My thoughts were why would you want to go hang out with these people after you are with them so much? Especially while we were trying to work on "us"?

On Valentine's Day, we finally decided to work things out and rededicate ourselves to each other and our family. Her parents came over for support and her mom told my wife that she was mostly in the wrong and to get over herself and this new sense of "I don't need my husband." I asked her previously if there was someone else and her mom did too. She said no. We had both asked on different occasions because these feelings of not wanting to be married didn't come out of nowhere, but the actions she wanted were very drastic; she wanted a divorce or separation at the minimum.

I found this site and bought the books in the first week of February and realized that I did have problems that I needed to work on and I wanted to work on them for my family, for myself and for my marriage. Time passed and we were going on dates again, having more sex and I was doing things for myself again. I started playing guitar again, I took time to read and stopped doing the things that I thought I needed to do to make her love me. She needed me to be happy with myself so I could be who I needed to be for her. So I thought.

Fast forward to this past Sunday. We had a great night. We grilled out, drank some wine and joked around. I fell asleep on the couch around 8:30 while she bathed our son. I woke up around 10:45 and she wasn't there. She already had plans to take her mom a belated birthday cake so I thought that's where she was. I texted her and she said she was with her mom. She came home around 11:15 and I could see something was wrong. I asked 3-4 times what was wrong and she said nothing. I had a sinking suspicion so I grabbed her phone while she was still in the shower. What I found broke my heart. She had been with a coworker that night after she left her mom's house. This has been going on since January. That's right, while she's telling me we need a divorce in early February, she had already been with him. The plotting and scheming was very complex and that's what is hurting so much. This was a full blown relationship. They slept together 5 times and were together multiple times other than that. She lied about working, she lied about where she was, she lied about everything. As we were "working through things" the past couple months, she would send pictures of herself to him as she was getting ready for dates with me. There are so many other things I could type here to make it worse, but I won't.

Now after reading all of this, 100% of readers will tell me to LEAVE! I know that. She said she was going to tell me but doesn't know when. She feels like she wasn't herself and had no real feelings for him looking back. The text messages say otherwise. We HAD been going through a rough patch but that's no excuse for this! She has been saying for the past couple years off and on that she feels like she hasn't been herself and I encouraged her to go talk to someone or get her hormone levels checked out. She didn't make time for it but I don't think that would've helped. If I hadn't found the text messages, this would still be going on I'm sure. Their meetings had increased tremendously in the past couple weeks so I'm sure it was ready to come to a head.

I have been going through all the emotions you can imagine. I kicked her out but for the sake of our son, I let her back Wednesday night. I met with a divorce attorney and she said that my wife is very "shitty" after I told her these things and then some. I have a case where I can take my son and be primary caregiver. Here's where my heart and my brain start fighting: I still love her. I know this is so new and my feelings will change but I do. We have such a long history together and we were each other's first everything. I have always loved her and I am at odds. I feel like having a son makes it harder for me but makes it that much worse thinking about what she's done. I don't want to make excuses for her, but I don't know if she had been suffering from depression or something else? She was drinking a significant amount of alcohol during this time too which I should've addressed. I told her first and foremost she needs to get professional help for HER. I want her to get help because I don't want our son to have a mom that is unstable. My parents were divorced when I was 3 and my dad was MIA from the time I was 7 until I was about 29 or 30. My mom has been married 6 times and has had multiple relationships. I was the oldest child and my sense of being the rock of my family has always been strong. I have always been the responsible one and my sense of "setting an example" is something I pride myself on. That being said, if I take her back how can I teach my son about integrity? If I don't, how can I talk to him about forgiveness and that people make mistakes? My family is telling me to take time and these things can be worked out. My friends are saying she's a lying slut and I should kick her to the curb and take everything I should. We hadn't been fully happy for a long time before this and do I want to risk getting back to that? Do I want to live with someone I can't trust? There are so many things running through my mind and I am trying to take time before I make any decision but I wanted to come here since I've been lurking the past few months. Any help or questions are welcomed and appreciated. Feel free to call me names for not thinking about the obvious! Thanks in advance.

IceMan

@MrNiceGuy,

First things first, STOP BEGGING HER!!!!!,

second You will et better advice once you post a triage, if someone else doesn't post a link first I will in a few minutes.

Questions: Has she ended the affair?

What do you know about him?

Has she quit her job?

MrNiceGuy

Hey IceMan,

Let me be clear. I begged her about working things out before I even knew about this affair. It was in early February when she wanted a separation and/or divorce.

She did end the affair. I didn't think until yesterday that she truly understood what she has done. She was on the offense for the first couple days but I do TRULY believe she is sorry. She hasn't appreciated me for a long time. All outsiders will tell you that she under appreciates me. I have women tell me all the time that they wish they had a husband like me. I have men tell me they would love to have a husband like me if we were gay. LOL. I am a good husband and father and I know that. She forgot and looked for it elsewhere.

I know that he is married and has a 10-year old girl. His current wife may be pregnant. He has suffered from PTSD and still has issues with it. I've met the guy and shook his hand. We were at a party together and a man fainted and he was the first one to rush to his aid to try and help him. I told him he was a hero for doing that when everyone else didn't do anything, me included. That's what's crazy. He is still in love with my wife though. He isn't going to tell his wife about the affair. I read the texts between him and my wife since I found out about the affair. She is done, he isn't. He quit the job yesterday.

She hasn't fully quit her job. They told her to take the week off and figure things out. I told her to take the time if nothing else for the paycheck. She's put in so many hours the past few months and she already took a pay cut when accepting this job. They owe it to her. Her boss suspected there was an affair and asked them both but they denied it. I told her she is going to quit if she wants to start things back with me. I told her I don't know what I'm going to do, but she will have to earn me back. 

Angeline

What does she say at this point? The sending of sexts of her outfits on date nights with you is a particularly nasty detail. She doesn't sound remorseful in the slightest. Odds are next to zero for success is she isn't sorry about it.

You're going to get asked for a triage. The link is in my signature line-do the best you can when you have time to answer right here in this thread, fully and completely.

First off: Affair busting. You saw the texts, do you know who the Other Man is? If so, blow it up. Call his wife, if married, call his supervisor at their job if he has any supervisory position over your wife. Contact HER parents. Ask them to intervene and apply pressure to get her "issues" you mentioned seen to by a therapist. Scorched earth, baby.

All this to shock her out of the affair fog. OM also might not be so keen to fuck someone who is suddenly at risk of really being his now since you threw her out.

I have to say though, I for once don't see this as worth saving. I would totally support you if your decision is to cut her loose.

The_Dude

You need to expose this to his wife right now. Get his and her email if possible.
Copy all three people.
State what you know
State that you want all contact ended. Be specific. You want no further contact in any form. And you demand that if either of them contact the other that they report it to you immediately before replying.
State what the consequences are. For you wife divorce filed. For him, not sure, was he her boss or a supervisor?

Tell the other mans wife to contact you if she wants more information.

Keep all the emotional stuff out of it.

He is a direct threat to any chance you have of fixing this. And yes, your wife is scared shitless right now but do not underestimate the addictive power of an affair. You have to blow this up hard. You want them mad at each other. You want him distracted.
The news is already out (your friends and family know) so you have no reason not to blow up the affair in his side.

MrNiceGuy

Angeline,

There are a lot of nasty details to this. So nasty that it leads me to believe she has been in a fog. These things she's done are not the woman I've always know. I tell her that she needs to figure out what she wants. She says it's me and has always been me, but it's hard to believe. 

I want to tell his wife, but my lawyer said it's best to not do it. My sister found her on Facebook in about 10 minutes after just showing her a picture of him. She may do it, but I don't know. 

Her parents know and have made her feel worse than I could've ever done. It's unreal what her parents have said to her. They told me they will support me either way. I know blood is thicker than water so I don't know how long that will last.

Thanks for your thoughts.

The_Dude

Here is what you need to have from your wife to continue attempting reconciliation:
1. No contact (as posted above). Must report any contact by him to her too.
2. All passwords. all devices unlocked.
3. Immediate confession of all facts. Willingness to answer any question you ask. Anything she left out comes out right now.
4. An std test with results delivered to you (not verbally by her)
5. To go to marriage counseling with the counselor of our choice.

MrNiceGuy

Hey Dude,

Another quick note is that his home is actually a few hours away. He lives here in an apartment and goes to see his family on some weekends. His wife suspected something may have been going on too. He will be out of the area in a couple weeks, maybe sooner. We live in a small town and I don't know if he realizes that he is walking around with a bullseye on his back. That's not a threat from me either. When I found out, I drove to his place and waited outside. I knew I would kill him if I went in. I stopped myself for my son. Instead I called her mom and explained what had happened. 

He was just a coworker, not a boss or subordinate. My wife told me that I can read all emails and texts between them and I did. She ended it. She told him she was wrong and he was wrong too and should tell his wife. He told her not to give him advice about a marriage. He's very cold in his contact back to her and she has cut him off completely and deleted his number, etc. I know that's not necessarily the end but I read their conversation.

I told her to tell me everything because if I find out something else when this is exposed, I'm going to find out more. She told me that she told me everything and she is terribly sorry. We will see.

MrNiceGuy

Hey Dude,

1. Contact has stopped

2. She took passwords off of everything (I checked)

3. She told me all facts. It was unbelievable to hear and I cried. She told them and cried but also told me with no emotion. She said it's as if she's telling a story that she watched, not experienced. Cop out? I don't know?

4. STD test is probably a good idea. I asked her about that already and she said that she asked him and he was clean. I will tell her to get one today.

5. I have met with a doctor friend who referred me to a counselor. I am starting next week. She has started counseling both by religious leaders and professionals.

IceMan

"He is still in love with my wife though. "

I implore you to contact him and his wife. He will continue to contact her and try to drive you two apart otherwise.

What did your lawyer say about sex with your wife after discovering the affair? In some states it is taken as forgiveness and affects your divorce settlement.

The_Dude

Listen to me carefully. He is very likely to pop back up in your life at some point. Maybe soon or maybe a year or two down the line. He is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and fuck up your marriage again. It happens over and over. You want his wife helping you.

Why does the lawyer not want you to contact the wife? Is it a legal risk or marriage advice? If it's marriage advice, disregard it.

MrNiceGuy

Triage:

1. We don't have medical issues and haven't in the past. Since our son was born, sex has gone from 2-3 times per week to once every 3-4 weeks. I told her that that's not normal for people our age (33). She said sex in more intimate to her and she needs to feel more than just horniness. I could say something to her on Monday and it still bother her Friday. There was a lot of resentment built up over the years, we both agree to that.

2. We have little debt, own a beautiful house and are attractive people. She is extremely attractive and I was overly jealous for many many years. I have always suffered from low self-esteem and since our son has been born I stopped going to the gym. I had blood work done in early February when I was trying to help myself and found I have very Low T and I am on medication for that. I have since started back working out. She has never had to work out. Since our child, she's back to her previous body other than larger hips slightly and slightly deflated breasts. She was 32D-24-35 when I met her in high school with a  beautiful face and heart. It wasn't all about looks. Always thought she was way out of my league and I didn't deserve her. She went to college and got her master's degree in Aerospace Engineering with a 4.0 GPA.

3. We had been neglecting each other's needs and put others in front of us. We both acknowledge that.

4. She had an affair, read above. I have used porn as a crutch and she hasn't known. Not addicted by any means, just here and there. She has never liked porn but always told me if I needed to watch it that I could. I've always denied it though.

5. Sex has NEVER been bad. Just a LOT less. When our son was born it really died down in frequency. 

6. Sex in the beginning was amazing. We had a lot and it was always passionate. It has still been passionate. 

7. Elephant for me? I guess that I do watch porn. It doesn't get in the way of our sex life though. I'm definitely not addicted 

8. I would say she is the leader but only because I'm more of a caretaker and want to make her happy. If I don't want to do something though, I don't. I have a hard time giving into her needs at times, which has caused problems in the past. For example, she loves the beach and I hate it. I don't go which makes her sad. I don't like to take vacations and travel and she loves it. If I do go, typically I have a good time, but I have a hard time getting out of my own comfort zone. I have a very hard time doing things for myself, and I haven't fully realized until coming to MMSL that I need to do things for the both of us. I have stepped up my game since being on MMSL and reading the books. I have taken control and planned many dates and events. We have been on more dates in the past two months than in the past 2 years.

9. Our marriage has good times and bad times. It goes in cycles. We are both strong people and have been there for our families which we realized in February that we needed to stop because it was taking away from us and our family.

MrNiceGuy

IceMan,

I will contact my lawyer again about this. My lawyer did tell me not to have sex with my wife. It's not a full acceptance and forgiveness on my part, but the lawyer told me it won't help me at all.

Dude,

The lawyer said it more of a marriage thing I think. Asked if I wanted to ruin that family's life too. My brain is going wild and I'm trying to heal myself right now. I don't know that telling her would help me out. I will strongly think about it.

MrNiceGuy

9. (continued)

We've always been THE couple that everyone thought would always last. My sister told me that she thought the world would end if we ever broke up. We have always been madly in love and can't get enough of each other. We don't always see eye to eye, but it would be boring if we did. She was the Ying to my Yang. We loved the same things and loved each others families. When her mom and dad found out, they told me that I was the son the always wanted and they would never push me away. We are very close and that makes it that much harder. She and I are successful people and have always had a good plan for everything. We were the people came to for love, work and family advice. She's extremely smart and down to earth. Those facts make this so unlike her. I'm not making excuses for her but that's what makes this so strange. I keep waiting to wake up.

IceMan

MrNiceGuy said:

Dude,

The lawyer said it more of a marriage thing I think. Asked if I wanted to ruin that family's life too. My brain is going wild and I'm trying to heal myself right now. I don't know that telling her would help me out. I will strongly think about it.

You are contacting your lawyer anyway, make sure whether this is legal or marriage advice. 

The_Dude

There's a thread over here with a discussion of the pros and cons.

http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/comment/347577/#Comment_347577

MrNiceGuy

Dude!

Wonderful points. Thank you so much for this link.

I know he went home for Easter weekend. I think I am going to call him direct and tell him he better not step foot back in this town and stop all contact. I will find a way to tell his wife. I have her work number but I don't know if that is the best environment to call her? I'm not on Facebook but I can have my sister get my number to her. I will think about the best approach.

The_Dude

MrNiceGuy said:

Dude!

Wonderful points. Thank you so much for this link.

I know he went home for Easter weekend. I think I am going to call him direct and tell him he better not step foot back in this town and stop all contact. I will find a way to tell his wife. I have her work number but I don't know if that is the best environment to call her? I'm not on Facebook but I can have my sister get my number to her. I will think about the best approach.

Do not threaten violence even indirectly (better not step foot back...)
I would get her email. His email. And then send it to all three parties. It's best if he doesn't have forewarning. Emailing it to all three at the same time keeps anyone from interceding.

JesusMarimba

Yeah, no warning. If you give warning, they'll immediately start crafting a narrative that portrays them in the best possible light.

MrNiceGuy

No warning. Good point. I'm not a violent person anyways. I will find their emails and do it that way. Should I add my wife to it as well?

The_Dude

MrNiceGuy said:

No warning. Good point. I'm not a violent person anyways. I will find their emails and do it that way. Should I add my wife to it as well?

Yes. You are getting formal agreement from her too. Be specific and require your wife to notify you if he contacts her. Immediately before responding. Ask for a reply from all three agreeing to the conditions. You only have leverage over your wife so that may be the only one you get back. I had leverage so I got back agreement from the OM.

And having all four of you reading it and knowing all the others are also reading it is a disinfectant. It makes the seedy nature of the whole thing apparent in the bright light of day. It helps kill any lingering appeal.

I know this from first hand experience.