Wife Cheated. Need Help Please!

The_Dude

And if they're both dumb enough to reply its a nice handy admission of guilt you might find useful down the road if things don't work out.

MrNiceGuy

Hey Dude, sent you a PM.

CartB4Horse

@MrNiceGuy -- I cannot encourage you enough to do EXACTLY as @The_Dude has told you to do. You do this in order to have ANY chance of reconciliation.

FWIW I tried to threaten the OM in my case. I sent him nasty emails because I was afraid of my wifes reaction to me telling his wife. Fucked up, 'eh? I was afraid of my wife.

Do it exactly how The_Dude said to, via email to all three. Leave out the emotions but get the point across. I believe you have a very real chance of making your marriage work and doing the right thing right now will give you an even better chance. You do this to END the affair permenantly, not to help his wife or their marriage. Do it to give YOUR marriage a chance.

Your efforts weren't working before because your wife was in a love-fog with the OM. His wife already know's he was cheating and may actually have more information that you can use to confirm what your wife has told you.

Good luck. Stay here and fix YOU.

PaisleyPark

I am not going to muddy the waters with advice, but I just wanted to show support. You have a long road a head of you. Follow what @The_Dude says. Stay strong, try to eat and sleep. I like the line @CartB4Horse says "stay here and fix you" your damn right!

Dod

IceMan said:

"He is still in love with my wife though. "

I implore you to contact him and his wife. He will continue to contact her and try to drive you two apart otherwise.

What did your lawyer say about sex with your wife after discovering the affair? In some states it is taken as forgiveness and affects your divorce settlement.

Agreed and in case it has not been said, do not tell your wife before u exposé him. Do not give anyone a hint that you r even considering it, just do it as far and wide as possible on his side.

dalef

That he refused to tell his wife when your wife asked him to showed your wife that he choose his wife over your wife.

Crashaxe

Dod said:

"He is still in love with my wife though. "

I implore you to contact him and his wife. He will continue to contact her and try to drive you two apart otherwise.

What did your lawyer say about sex with your wife after discovering the affair? In some states it is taken as forgiveness and affects your divorce settlement.

Agreed and in case it has not been said, do not tell your wife before u exposé him. Do not give anyone a hint that you r even considering it, just do it as far and wide as possible on his side.

More than a few exposure communications sent to an OM/OW's spouse have been diverted by the OM/OW who had warning or even a suspicion that it was coming. To better ensure the other spouse receives the communication, never tell anyone that you are going to contact the other spouse, or even that you are thinking about contacting the other spouse.

If you are going to contact all three, it is best to send it to the guy's wife first, in advance of sending it to the others, so that the OM isn't forwarned and given the opportunity to intercept the communication. Contacting the other spouse gives you an extra set of eyes monitoring the situation, and gives you a spy in the enemy's camp. It is the best tactical AND strategic move you could ever make. I agree with the morality of telling the other spouse as well, but even from a perspective of strict self-interest is is the wise play.

Reborn

MrNiceGuy said:

5. I have met with a doctor friend who referred me to a counselor. I am starting next week. She has started counseling both by religious leaders and professionals.

So you are having separate counseling? As opposed to marriage counseling?

That may be a good thing at this stage, but eventually it might be better to stop that and do marrriage counseling. 

I recommend you, if in the future you do start marriage counseling, don't use either of your individual counselors. Especially not hers, but ideally not yours either, (because your wife will not feel able to be open with a counselor who is "yours" and you need honesty on both sides)

never_again

You've got good advice about handling the affair, so I'll offer something else. Stop taking care of your wife! She's got a Masters in Aerospace Engineering - she's a big girl now! Time for her to act like one.

I was the same as you, an amazing husband and (step)father. "99% wonderful" according to my wife. And it damn near killed me because my wife couldn't care less if I died of an aneurysm from the semen buildup.

There are three parts of being a married father - amazing husband, amazing father and AWESOME man! You've lost your way on the last one. It's completely unrelated to the other two and it makes all the difference in maintaining your wife's attraction for you. Be awesome, whether or not your marriage survives.

MrNiceGuy

never_again said:

There are three parts of being a married father - amazing husband, amazing father and AWESOME man! You've lost your way on the last one. It's completely unrelated to the other two and it makes all the difference in maintaining your wife's attraction for you. Be awesome, whether or not your marriage survives.

Thanks for the advice. I haven't been the husband she's needed and she hasn't been the wife I've needed for some time. I chose to handle it by building resentment and hoping it would work out. She dealt with it by building resentment and then when someone showed her some attention, she was confused, happy, and didn't know what to do, but she went for it. Like I said before, the hardest thing is that we went through what I thought was a near-miss divorce in early February. I thought we were going to work on things together. It was the biggest wake up call in my life to that point. I wanted to move forward and poured my life into it. Turns out she already had been with him and continued to be with him even afterwards.

I've been going through so many emotions this weekend and I am now depressed. I feel like I've been robbed of the one thing only she and I had: our purity. Sounds cheesy I know, but someone else has touched her. She has touched another man with her wedding ring on. I can never have that with her or anyone else. That was always an important thing to me. The longer time is passing, the less I feel like this can work out.

446

MrNiceGuy said:

 I've been going through so many emotions this weekend and I am now depressed. I feel like I've been robbed of the one thing only she and I had: our purity. Sounds cheesy I know, but someone else has touched her. She has touched another man with her wedding ring on. I can never have that with her or anyone else. That was always an important thing to me. The longer time is passing, the less I feel like this can work out.

And you don't have to.

That part is completely up to you.  If this is not fixable: Head up, Shoulders back, Walk away.  

It's really not fair to either of you to hang on if you are never going to get over it.

Now, everyone feels like they are never going to get over it at first.  But, it's a roller coaster with a net upward trend.  If your roller coaster is taking you further and further down, just end it.  Athol has said that he has found no real predictor to who will precipitously end the marriage post-affair.  

Good luck. Talk to an attorney.  Take time for you.  Make your decision.  Move forward with your life in whichever direction you decide.  Her affair does not define you.

PaisleyPark

I am not sure what is worse. Finding out about my wife's affair or the aftermath of emotions during the repair. It's a tough go, and I have had my days thinking it would be better to take what I know now and move on but the other days of my newly designed marriage is just so damn worth it, and those days are now more the norm. Just had a kick ass Easter weekend.

I feel for you though, you are in a different spot than me, from my evidence my wife did not have sex (oral or otherwise). I stopped it before isolation. Those triggers and emotions are going to come. You don't have to apologize for them, but see if you can make them push you to become a better person. I call this the Bruce Banner/Hulk dance I do. Hulk pushes me in the gym, motivates me...Bruce is the calm one..corny I know, but it works for me so...

Good luck!

I would recommend reading this thread, and particularly the post from Sunflower. Just spot on.

http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/10072/blindsided-by-thoughts-of-the-affair/p1

Joskin_Nodd

@MrNiceGuy: "Now after reading all of this, 100% of readers will tell me to LEAVE!"

Nope. I'm going to tell you to blow it up (if you haven't; haven't read the whole thread yet). I assume you've contacted the OM. HR department would be the next step.

If you aren't going to blow it up, then, yeah, leave. 

Joskin_Nodd

@MrNiceGuy: "The lawyer said it more of a marriage thing I think. Asked if I wanted to ruin that family's life too."

This quote (from Aliens) is used often, and for good reason: "I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

Paul Reiser thinks this is a horrible idea. Turns out, he's the bad guy. Some sunlight needs to shine somewhere. 

The_Dude

What you're feeling is grief. It's very much like if someone close to you died.
If you haven't already, find someone local to talk to. A good counselor can help here.
Try to keep moving. Pick yourself up and take action. Try to take action that helps you either way you go. See a lawyer. Get a handle on your finances. Contact the omw if you decide to do that. Schedule a counselor. Call a friend and go out and shoot pool. Ride you bike. Doing something (anything) will help keep you from sitting and sinking into the grief.
It's going to take a few weeks to get through the first stages of this.

Joskin_Nodd

@MrNiceGuy: "I've been going through so many emotions this weekend and I am now depressed. I feel like I've been robbed of the one thing only she and I had: our purity. "

That's what happens with the apocalypse comes.

 Are you going to be Will Smith and welcome some aliens to earth, or are you going to be an extra who gets toasted in the explosion? This is life giving you a chance to rise to the challenge and be spectacular. There's no way to guarantee the outcome with your wife, but there is a way to guarantee the outcome with you: it gives you a chance to "do courage", face things head on, be a productive, construct, mature masculine man, both demonstrate and grow your personal and emotional strength, and be the kind of man that your wife (or your next wife) would never think of cheating on. 

You can come out of this bitter and sad and nursing your wounds, or you can come out of this having learned some hard lessons, and a much better man for the experience. 

Also, concur on everything @The_Dude says. 

MrNiceGuy

This is life giving you a chance to rise to the challenge and be spectacular. There's no way to guarantee the outcome with your wife, but there is a way to guarantee the outcome with you: it gives you a chance to "do courage", face things head on, be a productive, construct, mature masculine man, both demonstrate and grow your personal and emotional strength, and be the kind of man that your wife (or your next wife) would never think of cheating on. 

You can come out of this bitter and sad and nursing your wounds, or you can come out of this having learned some hard lessons, and a much better man for the experience. 

Well said. I needed to hear that. I know I need to worry about me and my son right now. This is just so crazy right now that I don't know if I'm coming or going. I thought I was Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde but I like the Hulk reference better.

IceMan

"The lawyer said it more of a marriage thing I think. Asked if I wanted to ruin that family's life too."

@MrNiceGuy, consider looking for another lawyer. His advice to you doesn't make sense, you need to be talking to someone that is looking out for your best interests. The OM's marriage is none of your or your wife's concern. In my opinion the decision to contact the wife is strictly strategically needed to keep your marriage in tact. This is not a morality question at all. The morality train left the station when they chose to commit adultery.

Your action should be driven by whether they are going to advance your goals or not and I think that a strong argument has been made here as to why this is important to your goals. This is the right thing to do.

Also you are too confident that you have all the truth. She opened up her email only after she deleted what she doesn't want you to see.

Crashaxe

Due to the nature of my very complex businesses, I have spent enough on attorneys in the past 25 years to have gone to law school more than 100 times over. Business law, bankruptcy law, family law, criminal law, patent law. Name it, I've probably dealt with it.  Add to that my time as a cop, where I spent far more time interfacing with local, state, and federal prosecutors than most cops do, and I have had a lot of exposure to both the talents and foibles of attorneys. For good or bad, that much exposure rubs off on you, and both my knowledge and thinking process reflect that fact. Also, I have ended up having to help far too many friends who are having serious marital or business problems by giving them both practical advice and basic legal facts that impact their situation before advising them to get a lawyer to really help them. My advice below is based on my knowledge and experience.

It is normal and healthy to share your story solicit advice and opinions from your friends and others.A burden shared is a burden lessened, after all.  Also, it is critical to share the EVERYTHING with your lawyer. Every skeleton in your and your wife's closets. Don't hold anything back. The fact that you don't think has any bearing on the case and do not share with your lawyer could be the thing that drastically changes the situation and changes his advice as your approach. That said:

1. Lawyers specialize in dealing with the legal aspects of divorce. They do not have expertise in counseling people, busting up affairs, or fixing marriages.  Any advice from a lawyer on matters other than protecting yourself legally needs to be taken with a grain of salt. In fact, it isn't really in a lawyer's best interest to repair marriages. They make their money on divorces.

The fact that the lawyer is trying to tell you to not destroy another marriage shows that she does not know what she is talking about when it comes to breaking up affairs. The only advice you need to follow to the letter from the lawyer is the legal and financial tactics to use to protect yourself when divorce is contemplated or underway 

You wouldn't want your stockbroker performing your brain surgery, nor would you want a brain surgeon advising you on your potential divorce case

2. I saw you have a counselor, which is good. Don't use your lawyer as a counselor. Lawyers aren't trained in counseling, they charge more than counselors, and they don't accept your insurance for payment of their bills. 

I have met a lot of counselors as a result of my time as a cop, and then with marital issues. None of them hold a candle to Athol Kay in giving advice. I think Athol has psychic powers. He may not have the formal credentials as a counselor, but I would much rather use him for any needs I might have rather than almost any of the counselors with the initials after their name that I have ever dealt with.

3. Friends can be subpoenaed to testify in court as to what you have told them. Lawyers, counselors, and ministers as a rule can not. Be careful what you share with friends to some extent.

4. Lawyers and counselors can sometimes give bad advice (as you have seen with your lawyer advising you against notifying th OM's spouse for her own personal moral reasons) Even in their areas of expertise, attorneys are human beings, and thus have blind spots and foibles. They can overfocus on one particular aspect of the case, or not fully consider all of the circumstances and nuances bearing on the problem. I have had to challenge and correct attorneys fairly often. This includes the top-tier $1000.00/hour attorneys.

5. In regards to taking advice from people, including your attorney, think of yourself as the Pilot of an aircraft communicating with Air Traffic Control. You as a pilot are ultimately responsible for the safety of the aircraft. Just as you are ultimately responsible for the success of your life. 

If you are the pilot of an aircraft and Air Traffic Control directs you to take a course that will fly you into the side of a mountain that you know is there, you as captain have a duty to disregard that advice. Likewise, if you get conflicting advice or advice that just doesn't seem right, you have a responsibility to yourself to use discernment in the choice in which advice you are going to follow.

If you as an aircraft captain fly into the mountain because you mindlessly followed ATC's advice without using common sense, the accident is your fault. (This actually happened, BTW. The airline captain was the one held responsible for the crash because he should have known better than to fly into a mountain he could see just because some moron at ATC told him to.) Likewise, in your life, you have to weigh the credibility of the advice you receive and choose the action that YOU think is best.

In the Aviation World, Air Traffic Control is kind of like a lawyer or a friend giving you advice. The ATC controllers aren't in the plane with you. They give you advice as to where to fly. If that advice is wrong, they go home and talk about what a bad day they had, while crash responders are out picking up the small parts of your body that they can find. Likewise, if things go horribly wrong for you in your marriage or your divorce, the lawyer and your friends will go home and continue with their lives regardless of your outcome.

You are always ultimately responsible for Captaining your ship safely.

6. When it comes to your wife's actions, YOU ARE THE JUDGE AND JURY. Only you can decide if what she did warrants imposing the "death penalty" on your marriage. If you don't divorce, only you can decide what the appropriate sanctions and limits are to make things right and prevent reoccurance.

MrNiceGuy

Hey IceMan,

I made a mistake. My head's been here and there and I've gotten advice from many parties. I just called the lawyer back and she told me to do what I wanted. She doesn't care what happens to OM/OW. That was my mistake and I'm sure it threw up red flags. 

I understand you saying that I am too confident about having all the truth. I only had text messages from the previous 10 days, when this was going on for 2.5 months. Fact of the matter is, I will never know everything. I wasn't there and don't know what they talked about, the looks they gave each other, etc. What I know is devastating enough. I am trying to get OM's wife's contact info as we speak. I want to do it through email so I have a paper trail, so to speak. I have a call into her, so we will see what happens.