Reference Thread: http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/2414/what-does-an-fo-do-when-the-capt-is-seeking-his-course/p1
So way back in the days of early marriage, my husband's strong religious upbringing came into play when my first baby was incubating. He had always been a devout (though rarely attending) Christian. I have spent most of my life as an atheistic leaning agnostic. When the first baby was becoming more and more evident, it became very important that we have a christening for the child. To date, I'm not sure how much of this was my mother-in-law speaking through my husband, but it became imperative. Part of the christening ceremony is that parents promise to raise their children in the teachings of Christ and the Christian church. I told him that as a wandering agnostic, I had no problem supporting him in carrying on his traditions, but that as they were his traditions, he would be most responsible for imparting them to his children.
This frustrated my husband, and he said it would look funny to all in attendance if the baby's mother did not take part in the christening. I said that I *would* take part, I would hold my baby, physically and symbolically supporting my child and his efforts to raise her up in the traditions he cherished, but that my own conscience would not allow me to make a promise to raise a child in a tradition which I did not wholeheartedly follow. Much grumbling, but we met with the Chaplain, explained the situation, and he worked the ceremony to just that--I held my daughter as my husband and his mother made the vows to raise her into the Church.
Fast Forward two years, baby #2. Same thing, different place. This time it was in my mother-in-law's church, so the pressure was on twice as much to join in with the vowing. I still declined (and was met with more grumbling and pressure). In pre-meeting with my mother-in-law's pastor, I explained my level of comfort of participation in the whole event, and he complimented me on my integrity, and held a beautiful service that I was proud to be part of, and which didn't leave too many blue-haired church ladies tsk-tsking.
In weekly church life, it became important to DH to find the 'right' church. While there was one of every denomination in town, the 'right' church--a very pretty one-- was (at the time) about 30 min drive away, meaning that we were frequently arriving late. After a while, we became comfortable enough that I could get myself and two babies ready in the time it took him to shower, and we were out waiting for him enough that we started making it on time. Before long, that stopped being 'the right church', and he sought out other traditions. The pretty church remained the default church, but DH continued searching.
Fast Forward two more years to his mother's terminal illness. We moved to be nearer to her to be present during her decline. We were still in a different state, but at least in the same time zone. Since we had just moved, the quest for the perfect church began anew. We checked out a few--I checked out more, since he worked every other Sunday. I found one that I was comfortable with--small, local to the neighborhood, and very welcoming. It also spent a good portion of the service delving into the meaning of the chosen texts, which really helped me understand and start to appreciate the message, even if I didn't buy into it at a faith level. He found one that he liked, one of his mother's traditions, which involved a lot more recitation and pre scripted affirmation of belief without exploring the word itself. I told him I liked the other one better, and again, wasn't keen on a place that made me recite promises to God that I did not believe in.
He pitched a bit of a fit, saying that I didn't like his church and he didn't like mine, and stopped going to church at all. But by this time, his kids were enrolled in a Christian school, at his behest (see Reference Post linked above), which meant that the kids were now being taught all day about good Christian values like honoring Mom and Dad and going to church every Sunday. So, as mentioned in the thread, he gave it all up and went Wicca. He said he'd still teach the kids Christian stuff, but that he was turning away from Religion per se. Believe me, as a spiritual meanderer, I get it. You have to question it all, right? Right.
Comments
Your words always leave me with the impression that your husband does not know how to be happy "In a relationship"
He appears to act like someone fearful of emotional engulfment "by a woman" so looks for ways to push you away while not being able to let you go.
If is mother has a dominant personality who never respected him as an individual but only as an extension of her own needs it would explain alot.
Do you ever feel like the blame and anger is the expression of a rebellious little boy angry at mother ?.
It seems like he relates to you as an authority figure that he is being suffocated by, but also must obey.
You are placed in the position of trying to "placate him" like a soothing mother.
I hope my words have not been hurtful but I worry for you because you can never please someone like this and the more you try the more irrational, irratic and demanding they become.
The problem may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with his mother and if it is he will do everything to deny it and place the blame on you.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. ~Andre Gide
"If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."
"Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
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As a philosopher I would tell you to not let you and your children's quest for truth be derailed by emotional terrorism. The questions of God and morality are the deepest and most enduring, as well as the most worthy of answering. As an aside anyone who scoffs at you telling the kids no because God says so forgets that there are many secular rules that are followed "because the King says so" as it were. Speed limits are a great example of rules that are followed soley based on appeal to authority for many people. Likewise, 5 year olds simply aren't capable of following the Kantian moral imparative, though children do seem to grasp the principles of morality and ethics better than adults. With that said as social creatures teaching obedience to authority is a critical skill for children to learn because they don't know about certain dangers, and no one starts off as a leader. Indeed the best leaders are those who learn to obey first. In teaching that, "Because X said so" is perfectly valid. I'd just be, cautious about speaking for God on specifics versus don't steal because God said so.
I think you are on the right course and should plow on ahead.
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How are you doing, @Hamster_Free?
Hi--wow! Thanks for thinking of me! I'm really well, thanks.
We've moved and separated. We've got a much more functional standard of communication, especially now that both of us are established in our own places. Needs of the kids are put first onboth sides and we live near enough to consistently keep that priority.
He apologized for the hotwifing stuff and has acknowledged the role of abuse in our marital dysfunction and is in counseling.
i'm proud of him for the strides he's made, and I hope to maintain a relationship amicable enough to be able to support him through the process as an understanding (non-spousal) friend.
We haven't filed for divorce yet due to state residency requirements, but I have high hopes that we can file a settled agreement when the time comes.
He has a new lady friend who'll be moving in with him at the end of the month (no fault state, so I won't hear any flak about infidelity at this point--that ship is well and truly sailed)...I have an excellent prospective Captain that I have my eye on, though I have asked him to allow me to process myself out of this relationship first, and he's been very understanding.
In the meantime, I'm really enjoying being single, and loving that I get to really focus on being my kids' very present mom for just over half the week every week.
More functional communication?? Hahahaha. That was SO last year, when he was taking all the help he could get from me.
Once he had his feet under him and the new girl moved in, that was it. She's it, me n the kids were yesterday's news.
He took the kids in full time when I was looking for a home and a job, but never related to them - only disciplined them, just like he always had, only now without the Mama buffer around to soften the blow - so they shorted out. Lots of behavior issues at school.
I got a place and a job, and took em back half time. The first night they stayed with me, snuggled in a puppy pile on my bed in a studio apartment, my wee 5 yo boy heaved a sigh with his whole body and said, "Mama, I thought I'd never be with you again". And then drifted off into a very still sleep. I cried. A lot.
My daughter and I have since cried together many times over the family existence that is no more.
She took it the hardest of the two; she's older, and VERY emotionally intelligent. There's a lot that does not fit the narrative for her, I can tell. I follow all the rules and don't talk down her dad, but where my boy's behavior issues leveled out a bit over time, she continued to have fits and bouts, and is now in therapy at her teacher's recommendation.
Between me and their dad, communication alternated between -let's keep the tone as it's always been- to -utter vitriol.
And then divorce papers were filed.
Friendliness at this point has completely melted away. We communicate on businesslike terms only. When we first moved to the neighborhood, it wasn't unusual to see both of us at the same party, and even both of us +girlfriend, all calmly chatting together. Not so much these days. We live less than a block from each other, but might as well live in different states for how often we see each other outside of custody exchanges.
Every communication is evaluated on both sides for political advantage, so *nothing* other than straight logistical facts is exchanged. If they know I will be somewhere, they change plans. Personally, I think it's childish behavior, and would have no problem (and have invited both repeatedly) to meet in person and clear the air a bit, or even put on a polite public face for a common goal. Notsomuch.
Things haven't really been the same between me n them --and particularly the girlfriend--since I pointed out that he and she became FB friends three days before he informed me of his intention to split and 'date when we moved to where we were going'. (oddly enough, we're not FB friends anymore).
So here's the scorecard as I work on my financial declaration for divorce:
He:
Split and established residence with the "FB friend" a month and a half after the split. (*side note* - all of you who posted in my "He Gave me the ILYBINILWY" thread that he was probably doing a remote EA - well....there's your sign. Y'all catch on quick.)
Got a PT job in a tasting room at a winery ($11 an hour), at which he works on average 4 shifts a month. No shifts at ALL this summer so he can 'be with the kids' (read - Disneyland Dad).
Goes to school to earn his degree in viticulture, because he can do that on a military pension and the GI bill without working.
Says he deserves 50/50 custody, even though much of the time that they'd be home, he's in class, meaning his gf would watch the kids, not him. Repeatedly declines to take them at times that he would be available, and/or which would help me out.
I:
Got a slightly higher wage job working office administrative for a non-prof--not much, but keeps us dry and fed.
Got a studio apartment
Upgraded to a 2BR rental house 5 months later
Abandoned all dating efforts and focused on caring for my kids (because the dating wasn't working out, what with me keeping my kids' needs first and all).
Joined a band. A band that rehearses at my house, so I don't have to abandon my kids to have fun.
Understanding why we do something takes a little longer ( I know, I've been guilty of "because I say so" when I'm tired or short of time) but when they understand the reasons (it hurts someone else) then they're less likely to ignore it and can use the same logic in other situations.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.