Intro/Hitting Rocks

The event that prompted this:

I arrived home last night after being away for the weekend, she was out having dinner with a friend so I unpacked and started watching a show. Midway, she comes in, we kiss and I bounce her up and down in my arms which I throw her down onto the couch and start kissing her some more while taking her pants off. We had not had sex in over two weeks. At this point she is just lying there naked from the waist down, not doing much to move things along nor stopping it saying that I need to get her more turned on. I go down on her and she says that she wants cock, I keep doing what I’m doing but she says something like “I’m bored of this” which irritates me, but I go get a condom and start getting undressed standing by the couch so she can play with me as well. Instead, she grabs some loose fat/skin around my belly and asks why is this fold here which just killed it for me completely. I got angry, stopped what I was doing, put my pants back on and went back to watching my show. I say that I can’t be with someone who tries to make me feel bad and she continues about how she can’t help being more attracted to somone more fit to which I respond that maybe I’m not who she is looking for. On the one hand, it’s ok to be honest and encourage your man to be more fit, on the other, there is a positive way to do it and there is that. Now, I’m not an Adonis (yet!) but not so fat that it should get in the way of attraction (above average muscle mass around ~20% bodyfat). I weighed more when we met.

We are engaged to be married. (or not after that) Something similar to this episode occurred earlier in our relationship which caused me to pull back.

Triage Questions

1) No medical issues that I’m aware of, I’m 33 and she is 30 

2) I have a great job in a great industry with many opportunities, 5’8" 170lbs muscular with a few extra pounds, very good with money saving and investing responsibly. No issues that I can think of. 

3) No, right now she is the one working long hours so there is not much opportunity to interact during the week. 

4) No outside sources, I masturbate couple times a week and she has a vibrator she plays with occasionally.

 5) We have been together five years, it started to die down when she started going to school four years back and went down to around 3 times a month or less. About three years ago, we moved in together and it’s been on/off. I’ve been unsatisfied most of the time but some of that is on me initiating more frequently and some due to her being stressed out about work. This year has been particularly bad because of her work hours. There have been moments when we made our relationship a priority and things go well for a little while, but then the sex drops off to negligible again leaving me frustrated and unfulfilled. Also, we hit a particularly rough patch earlier when I wanted to stop working and pursue my own business. Though she seemed ok with it, she said that she no longer felt secure couple months in and gave me an ultimatum so I got a more stable work arrangement and have been working on ideas in my free time. 

6) When we met five years ago, sex was fun, free and plentiful and hot for about the first year. 

7) Until recently, she has always made a lot more money than me and associated the security of a steady paycheck with financial freedom. I have been more experimental, entrepreneurial which has put me in a position to get great jobs but I do not value stability in the same way. I make as much or more money than her right now, but this issue has led to many conflicts in the past. 

8) I instigate activities a lot of the time, plan trips, etc. No one is really in charge of household, we split most things according to how much time we have. 

9) We get a lot of pleasure out of just spending time together, when things are good. Taking walks, cooking a nice meal, making coffee. Aside from little sex, we have been very physically affectionate a lot of the time.

Comments

  • pocketacespocketaces MassachusettsSilver Member Posts: 1,019
    At your height/weight I think that's a red herring. Have you been excessively beta / needy/ failing shit tests?
  • phoshophosho Member Posts: 5
    Thanks, I think your instinct on that is right. Re beta/needy - Not that I'm aware, I was away all weekend and we really didn't see each other much during the week. Maybe it was just a provocation, but she seemed pretty hung up on it. 
  • phoshophosho Member Posts: 5
    Mandrill said:
    @phosho said:

    Instead, she grabs some loose fat/skin around my belly and asks why is this fold here which just killed it for me completely. I got angry, stopped what I was doing, put my pants back on and went back to watching my show. I say that I can’t be with someone who tries to make me feel bad and she continues about how she can’t help being more attracted to someone more fit to which I respond that maybe I’m not who she is looking for.

    I'm confused by the boldface sentence, is this to say that she's attracted someone who is more in shape than you, or that she's not attracted to your level of fitness?

    Meant more attracted to someone who is more in shape than me

    What happened four years ago when she went to school? Why did the sex start to decline then?

    We started having more arguments about careers, as the frequency declined so did quality which was the wrong kind of spiral.


  • RebornReborn LondonGold Men Posts: 2,987
    Yeah, it's probably nothing to do with weight. 
    Enneagram type 5 w6. 
    If I offer lots of advice, it's probably really me giving advice to myself. That always seems to happen. 
  • growingafamilygrowingafamily chicagoSilver Member Posts: 1,841
    At your height/weight I think that's a red herring. Have you been excessively beta / needy/ failing shit tests?
    Not necessarily. My husband was 166 at 5'10 when we met, and had a gut. It depends how you carry it.

    But I agree there must be other issues, because obviously I was attracted anyway.
    The_DudeDaddyOh
  • SManSMan Silver Member Posts: 1,126
    @phosho said:
    we hit a particularly rough patch earlier when I wanted to stop working and pursue my own business.

    Though she seemed ok with it, she said that she no longer felt secure couple months in and gave me an ultimatum so I got a more stable work arrangement and have been working on ideas in my free time. 
    Gonna be blunt here @phosho .

    You're engaged to a dream stealer.

    Everyone who decides to face the risks to go for the brass ring and achieve extraordinary wealth, will discover a number of family and friends (and spouses, fiances or GFs) who will tell him he's foolish, crazy, or otherwise in the wrong.

    The dream stealers will pressure him back off "for his own good" to "protect his family" or for any of the other reasons people who live their lives in mediocrity tell themselves it's OK to be a sheep, working for someone else, never being rich, living lives of "quiet desperation, measured by coffee spoons" as TS Elliot put it.

    Since you haven't signed on the dotted line of the marriage contract yet, ask yourself: "am I and my fiance really compatible?"

    Are you willing to live your life in mediocrity to satisfy her phobias?

    and is she willing to stick around with someone who is willing to take risks to achieve great things?

    And here's the rub . . . she ultimatum'ed you and you caved.

    You're now her bitch.

    Beta or what.

    OneEyedDrunkChanged_Man
  • phoshophosho Member Posts: 5
    Mandrill said:
    Regardless, getting yourself into shape should be your priority, that's going to give you the quickest pay off. Fat loss is mostly dependent on diet, not exercise, so calculate what you need to eat and find a decent workout plan. There are a lot of threads with good information in the Fitness category.
    Thanks, I should be doing that regardless what else is going on.

    I don't know if she thinks she settled with me, but she definitely has been responsible for her own choices with regard to her studies and career. If we were to go back and describe our ideal partners, we never would have ended up on each-others lists, but it turned from a fling into something more. Now it's a matter of either turning it into something worth sticking around for or moving on.
  • phoshophosho Member Posts: 5
    SMan said:
    @phosho said:
    we hit a particularly rough patch earlier when I wanted to stop working and pursue my own business.

    Though she seemed ok with it, she said that she no longer felt secure couple months in and gave me an ultimatum so I got a more stable work arrangement and have been working on ideas in my free time. 
    Gonna be blunt here @phosho .

    You're engaged to a dream stealer.
    Uh oh!

    Everyone who decides to face the risks to go for the brass ring and achieve extraordinary wealth, will discover a number of family and friends (and spouses, fiances or GFs) who will tell him he's foolish, crazy, or otherwise in the wrong.

    Thank you, I thought the same way, but there's that school of thought and there's methodically testing out business opportunities while having a more stable income until one of them is ready to hit the accelerator. With or without her, I'm no longer convinced the do-or-die approach is the only way to do it.  

    The dream stealers will pressure him back off "for his own good" to "protect his family" or for any of the other reasons people who live their lives in mediocrity tell themselves it's OK to be a sheep, working for someone else, never being rich, living lives of "quiet desperation, measured by coffee spoons" as TS Elliot put it.

    Whatever our issues are, she has supported and fanned my ambitions while insisting that I consider my provider role. She does have a greater need for security than I do, but I sincerely believe she wants to see me actualize.

    Since you haven't signed on the dotted line of the marriage contract yet, ask yourself: "am I and my fiance really compatible?"

    It's a heart-wrenching question, and based on what I am currently getting out of this relationship, the answer is no. I'm here to get some advice about either changing that while improving myself or come to a decision that it's not possible.

    Are you willing to live your life in mediocrity to satisfy her phobias?
    No

    and is she willing to stick around with someone who is willing to take risks to achieve great things?

    Calculated risks, yes, vague proclamations about going for gold, no.

    And here's the rub . . . she ultimatum'ed you and you caved.

    It's a bit more nuanced than that. I didn't have any particular ideas or direction and was drifting, which is what she objected to and it was the drifting following changing a couple jobs that made her feel on shaky ground. I'm in the very fortunate position of being able to find work whenever I want, however. 

    You're now her bitch.

    Where do we go from here...

    Beta or what.

    Or what, I hope! Thanks so much for taking the time to weigh in.
  • SManSMan Silver Member Posts: 1,126
    @phosho said:

    And here's the rub . . . she ultimatum'ed you and you caved.

    It's a bit more nuanced than that. I didn't have any particular ideas or direction and was drifting, which is what she objected to and it was the drifting following changing a couple jobs that made her feel on shaky ground. I'm in the very fortunate position of being able to find work whenever I want, however. 

    You're now her bitch.

    Where do we go from here...

    Ah, thanks for the clarification @phosho .

    Yes, a guy never starts into a business without a plan, in particular, a plan to get to revenue sooner rather than later, and to get product or services in front of customers fast, before SOPs get fixed in stone.

    So, where do you go from here?

    Become the Man With The Plan.

    Take charge.  Get your wealth generation action plan together, then execute it.

    Alphas are the ones who set their eye on the goal, then draw out the roadmap (I was assuming you had done this, my apologies.)

    Also, develop a passion for success, and visualize living your goal.

    As you develop these Alpha mindsets for success in business financially, you'll find it will rub off in your personal relationship life.  SMV will go up.

    I'll finish off with one of the most profound statements I've seen:

    "Those who know 'how' will always work for those who know 'why'."
                             -Dan Kennedy, Business Consultant
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