What about after sex?

Pup

It seems like the vast majority of Red Pill/MMSL discussions revolve around getting to "yes" and things that lead to sex.  But what about after sex? 

I might be a weird guy, but I like to cuddle and feel close with Mrs. Pup after sex.  She usually just wants to go to sleep.  Sometimes I will comment on how it was fun/good, etc.  She never says anything unless I do.  I think my desire to hold her afterward may be a slight DLV, and I think talking about it after may be a more obvious DLV.

Anybody else have any issues/concerns about how to maintain frame after sex, while trying to enjoy closeness with your spouse?  Does it matter that she never says anything like "that was good" and just wants to sleep right away? 

Capster

Hey Pup, I'm with you there.  Wife gets tired afterwards but I get a burst of energy.

Monkeys_Uncle

We don't really have a steady routine for after sex.  Sometimes we lay there and talk.  Sometimes we cuddle.  Sometimes we read.  Sometimes we lay there in silence for a long time and just soak in the warm afterglow of good sex.  Sometimes one of both of us will drift off to sleep.  Sometimes we clean up and then turn the TV on.  I'm usually OK with any of that.  I guess I have post-sex OI.  ;-)

However, I would be a bit disappointed if we had what I thought was a particularly good time and she didn't say anything at all about it afterwards.   

Pup

It's become habit now after sex for me to hold her.  She just comes over and I put my arm out and her head lands on my chest/shoulder.  After 5 minutes (which is usually enough for me anyway) she's out cold and drooling on me, so she rolls over.  We don't use the term "cuddle" to describe that.  It's "hold you/me". 

However, I have offered cuddle on the couch once in a while.  She's just more aloof (see triage post) about affection/touch talk than I'd prefer or than I had from other women.

I'm wondering if any commentary after sex, or if we tried something new, or had a fun and unique experience is DLV if she would not otherwise bring it up anyway.

Pup

Monkeys_Uncle said:

However, I would be a bit disappointed if we had what I thought was a particularly good time and she didn't say anything at all about it afterwards.   

THAT. 

Just as an example, it only happens about 4-5 times a year when we will O together at the same moment.  I know she really loved it (or at least I assume she did) but still nothing.  Not a peep.  Does it not matter to her?  Should I stop giving a shit about if she enjoys it?

Angeline

Don't "offer" to cuddle, be a little more bossy. "Woman, come over here, I want to maul and molest you." If she giggles and complies, go from there. "Come here, give your husband a proper kiss."

Monkeys_Uncle

Pup said:

Monkeys_Uncle said:

However, I would be a bit disappointed if we had what I thought was a particularly good time and she didn't say anything at all about it afterwards.   

THAT. 

Just as an example, it only happens about 4-5 times a year when we will O together at the same moment.  I know she really loved it (or at least I assume she did) but still nothing.  Not a peep.  Does it not matter to her?  Should I stop giving a shit about if she enjoys it?

FWIW, I don't think us climaxing at the same time has ever warranted a post-coital comment from her.  Comments usually have more to do with the intensity or number of her orgasms.

Tennee

Since finding this place, lately I just leave her in a rumpled, sweaty heap of post-O panting.    Actually, I'm with you @pup - I prefer touch, and that includes non-sexual touch.   W seems to want to be left alone post-romp.  So, I roll over and leave her alone, sometimes throw in a nice ass smack.  I sometimes will stroke her rear, or legs, or whatever, but for the most part, at least for quite a while now, she's a 'go to your side now' gal.  So I do.   Again, I wonder if the lack of touch stems, in my case anyway, from the attraction issues.  Lately, there's some more non-sexual touching.  But after sex, she seems to want to be left alone.  So I do.  

As to seeking reinforcement, I stopped this.   After what I thought was a really big O from her a few months back, I asked 'So how was that'.   She replied with 'you have to ask?  why do you need reinforcement' or the like.  Last time I sought any verbal acknowledgement from her.  I figure the nails digging in along with a big O is all the reinforcement I need.   I have a bit of a Unicorn I think sometimes, as W can O from PiV almost all the time, usually right behind me. 

I've just been biding my time to see of the post-pound touch comes back.   I ceased worrying about this...

For what its worth...

Pup

I guess sex just isn't that important to my wife.  She likes it when I do what I want and take her, but even if she Os, it's like she doesn't give a shit once it's over either way.  It makes me think she's not enjoying it, but she seems to really enjoy it in the moment, just once it's done, she's 100% checked out.

She's never given me the nail in the back thing by the way...I was wondering about that.  It just seems most of her Os are a result of me holding her down and preventing her from moving and calling her names "slut" "whore" etc.  Basically soft-core rape fantasy.  Hands aren't usually free when she Os.  We've been having sex for about 9 years, and she's still coming out of her shell.

Tennee

@TRex said:

And tell me again brother, what is the problem here??

I suspect Pup, like me and a lot of guys here, is more a Touch oriented person.   The lack thereof then makes us concerned, or fails to fill the need/desire for touch.  I simply stopped worrying about this...

@Pup said:

We've been having sex for about 9 years, and she's still coming out of her shell.

So keep exploring, seeing what she likes.   With me, I'm pushing boundaries now, but I am still working on the attraction, so its slow and steady for me.  I'm in no rush, plenty of MAPping to do...

Pup

@TRex - this "problem" is kind of half the point of my Triage and my coming to MMSL.  I feel a lack of attraction/affection, even though she puts out regularly and wants me to be happy sexually.  I think I feel loved by having her want to touch me and talk to me and she's indifferent a lot of the time.  She shows me love by loving me the way she wants me to love her...by "caring" and taking care of...That's  great too, but I miss the feeling of closeness

Tennee

@TRex‌ said: "I used to insist on the affectionate touching but my wife viewed that as a DLV"

Yep. You can compel the mechanical action, but you can't compel actual affection. I still go for a kiss, etc. frequently, and I make her lean into me to finish it (got that from @thewolf) but I stopped trying to 'force' her to be affectionate. It simply won't work. So, the MAP is the focus. So I'm where y'all are: increased sex frequency but lacking in the passion/intimacy/affection dept. But I think this has been a common occurrence where sex volume precedes other changes. So, a - MAPping I will go...

NeverSleptOnTheCouch

I find if she wants to cuddle afterward, I didn't get the job done.

If she's speaking in toungs then passes out , twitching, drooling on herself, I just take it as a compliment and say 'you're welcome'.

Pup

I've pretty much never gotten my wife to that point NSOTC... Perhaps a few times, and a couple of those may have involved toys with batteries.

NeverSleptOnTheCouch

Just beware of displaying neediness, especially just after having your needs met.
After facing ones fears and overcoming big trials, one finds they do not need so much that they thought they did, and actually thrive and the people around them flourish in that atmosphere.

Prioritize. If it it truly imperitive to have this experience, then give it the effort it deserves.

But step outside yourself frequently. Consider what else could be compromised.

For instance , if you neeeed this long cuddle time afterward, you may be denying you both the joy and spontaneous experience of a quicky or irregular location, because her cooperation could be compromised by the hamster fixating by your neeeding this afterward. Would it really be her fault in that case?

Katt

After sex has never been a big deal for us for some reason. I usually collapse into a puddle with my head in his lap for a minute and then cleanup on aisle V. If it's bedtime, we just go to sleep after cleaning up. If it's earlier in the evening, we just watch TV or whatever.

Scarlet

Pup said:

I guess sex just isn't that important to my wife.  She likes it when I do what I want and take her, but even if she Os, it's like she doesn't give a shit once it's over either way.  It makes me think she's not enjoying it, but she seems to really enjoy it in the moment, just once it's done, she's 100% checked out.

She's never given me the nail in the back thing by the way...I was wondering about that.  It just seems most of her Os are a result of me holding her down and preventing her from moving and calling her names "slut" "whore" etc.  Basically soft-core rape fantasy.  Hands aren't usually free when she Os.  We've been having sex for about 9 years, and she's still coming out of her shell.

You know how actions speak louder than words?  Her actions say that she really likes sex and she is wildly attracted to you.  She may also be a bit embarrassed about her behavior afterwards. 

growingafamily

NeverSleptOnTheCouch said:

I find if she wants to cuddle afterward, I didn't get the job done. If she's speaking in toungs then passes out , twitching, drooling on herself, I just take it as a compliment and say 'you're welcome'.

I do that and then want to cuddle. The difference would be time of day. At night I'll pass out afterwards; midday I'll definitely want to cuddle, and morning.. depends how early. I might still be tired and want to pass out, I might want to cuddle, I might need to get up and tend to the little people who live in our house.

Tennee

So, last night there was sexy time.  Finish in our usual fashion with a good thorough attempt by me to drive her through the mattress.  Medium to Medium-Large O for her.   After which, I do the roll over thing.  She rolls to her side.   After a few, I start to caress the caboose.   She sort of babbles and says "C'mon stop...you're overstimulating me here...".  Huh?  I'd not heard that before.   Made me think of this discussion.  So I gave it one last smack and thought no more about it.   Wonder if that's BS or maybe she really is still in the O fog?

Interesting perspectives on this discussion from the FOs and @neversleptonthecouch ;  

Katt

@Tennee‌ For me, sometimes post-O caressing can be irritating for some reason. Everything is a little extra sensitive. It depends on the method and intensity of the orgasm for me. It's so bad after an orally achieved O that oral on me to orgasm as foreplay is a no go because it makes PIV uncomfortable (and not in a good way). So your wife's Southern Hemisphere might have just been sensitive at that time.

Angeline

Sometimes if he's done, and I'm done, I just want to float in that orgasmic haze a bit and enjoy the complete bliss and relaxation. PlV doesn't get me there by itself, so after I orgasm I still have a lot going on. Afterwards is my first chance to just collapse and enjoy what just happened. We may have feet or hands touching (or a foot touching a hand if things were really inventive) and we drift off like that.

Plus we're usually sweaty and 4000°, and MORE TOUCHY would just be stifling.