Wife asks her dad to come do something I am capable of handling

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  • PupPup Silver Member Posts: 346
    Wife explained it as, my sister commenting on how generous the cash gift was...My wife then saying we weren't sure what to give her, or how much and that we had discussed giving her more, and that my wife wanted to give her $1000, but I wanted to give $500.

    I had told my wife when I brought it up that I didn't need an explanation, just her understanding why this is a violation, an apology and a promise not to expose our private stuff again.    She apologized, but then felt compelled to explain it anyway. 

    Having already given me what seemed like a sincere apology and recognition of her mistake, I listened.  When she was done explaining (10 seconds or so) I quickly said that it doesn't matter how it came up, and that a simple "you're welcome" will suffice next time.  It is not only a violation of what is supposed to be a private matter, but it is tacky to discuss how you arrived at a dollar number for a gift with the person you gave the gift to.

    It was put to rest quickly, but we still were "off" for the rest of the night, which is okay with me.  We were back to normal the next day.
    Angeline[Deleted User]
  • SignorePillolaRossaSignorePillolaRossa mid atlantic usaSilver Member Posts: 4,079
    sounds good - MAP on!
    Sr. PR

    ============================
    sapere aude

    Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
    ============================
    Pup
  • redheaded_womanredheaded_woman USASilver Member Posts: 4,739
    Question for the group:

    If OP didn't want dad to come, why didn't OP make the call and tell him?

    Why leave it to to wife to make the call and uninvite her dad.

    Just wondering what the group thought in general about who should do the uninviting in a situation like this.

    Because if I were the spouse who didn't want "X" to happen, I would be the spouse who made the phone call. If my husband were the spouse who didn't want "X" to happen I would expect him to make the phone call.
    "Fuck yesterday, make tomorrow awesome." - Tennee
    Angeline
  • redheaded_womanredheaded_woman USASilver Member Posts: 4,739
    Hmmm, maybe I don't understand this scenario bc either a) it's never happened to us or b) I just don't care enough about "X" to even realize it was happening if, in fact, it was???

    I dunno...but my gut says that if I were the spouse who cared enough to stomp my foot that I should also be the spouse to deal with it.


    :-??
    "Fuck yesterday, make tomorrow awesome." - Tennee
    Olddog
  • PupPup Silver Member Posts: 346
    Okay, for the furniture assembly thing...as wife explained it, she had the conversation informally with her dad before she even bought the stuff.  She had a general "I'd be happy to help you with it" from him a couple of days before.  She didn't actually schedule a time for him to come by.  There really is nothing for her to cancel the way she described it.  She said if we don't say anything to him when the furniture arrives, he'll forget/it won't matter and it's not a big deal. 

    For the sake of discussion, if something would have required a phone call to cancel, I would have had her do that since she's the one that asked for his help (in such a scenario) in the first place.  Either way, this turned out to be not a big deal.  Wife understood where I was coming from, and she meant no ill will.  Marriage on good terms.  :)

    The wedding gift issue turned out to be more of a no-no than this.

    She really is a giver and a great woman, and sincerely never means harm to other people.  I think I may just be reading/projecting some Machiavellian behavior where there is none...perhaps because of some baggage I have from observing my father.  Like someone quoted Athol saying...I'll butcher this but roughly it goes like this, "sometimes you just have to trust that your partner isn't out to screw you over."
    [Deleted User]Scarlet
  • PupPup Silver Member Posts: 346
    I agree with @simplegirl and @Lostanddistraught (by the way, hopefully you'll change that name to a more optimistic one some day ;)  )

    My wife has always been extremely independent, even as a child from what they tell me.  She just makes things happen.  90% of the time that works for us, but some times I wish she would have asked me first.  I am the leader overall, but she definitely has things/turf where she has free reign to do as she please, and make things happen.  She meant to harm, just wanted to see it get done and probably wanted to give her father something to do for us so he could feel useful.  The more I think about it, the more I think I was probably being petty for even taking offense.  She doesn't care who puts it together, as long as it gets done.
  • redheaded_womanredheaded_woman USASilver Member Posts: 4,739
    @simplegirl‌ "Would your husband every talk to his parents and decide to send them to grandma's for a weekend (with overnights) and drop them off before even telling you that it was a possibility? A man who does that is acting single in my opinion not taking into account that his actions affect his spouse."

    No, I don't think he would do that.

    But, I also don't know how I would react if he did do it.

    I guess it depends on *why* he did it. If he did it so he could surprise me with time away, I wouldn't care.

    Why did your hub do it? Or did he even give you a reason?
    "Fuck yesterday, make tomorrow awesome." - Tennee
  • PupPup Silver Member Posts: 346
    edited May 2014
    "Acting single"...I get it.  We (men and women) want to feel like the other person thinks of us as a "we". 

    An example that comes to mind is when wife and I are downstairs and watching TV and I say, "I'm going upstairs." (to go get ready for bed) She has told me that she feels like I am abandoning her and that she'd prefer it if I say, "let's go upstairs." or something.  The thing is, I'm trying to not come across as needy.  I don't want her to resent me for "making" her come upstairs just because I am.  I am just letting her know that is what I want to do now.  So now I kind of throw it out there a few minutes before I actually go to let her know if she wants to go with me she can, but she's not obligated to.
    [Deleted User]
  • Natalie_LorinNatalie_Lorin Southern USSilver Member Posts: 979
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    I feel so weird when I get pissed at my husband for just standing up and announcing it's time for bed or something like that! Then again there are times when I waited up for him like a sad puppy because he was busy with something, and I didn't want to go to bed by myself..............

    At least I know I'm not the only wife who does this (although I really try not to act pissed off. It just gets under my skin.)
    [Deleted User][Deleted User]Persephone
  • PupPup Silver Member Posts: 346
    Well, I don't "announce" it.  I just say "I'm going upstairs" as I begin to get up off the couch.  It's not anything more than a courtesy to let her know I won't be coming back (I'm not just going to the kitchen, bathroom, etc.)

    The thing she would get sad about is that I'm not inviting her to come join me.  Or that if I had given her a few minutes notice she could have gotten ready (let the dog out, put her cross-stich away, etc) to go up together with me. 
    Natalie_Lorin
  • PupPup Silver Member Posts: 346
    I have changed how I do that bed time thing now, so it's more of an invitation to come with me than a "see ya."  She does not feel abandoned by me as far as I know, but sometimes I think she wishes I would help more than I do with the kids.  I step in when I think she really needs it, and it is always appreciated.  She really prides herself on being able to do everything, and I try not to get in the way of that.  But sometimes she does feel overwhelmed.  Perhaps in a way you're right, but I don't think it's because she thinks (or "feels") that she can't count on me.
    [Deleted User]
  • PupPup Silver Member Posts: 346
    I think you may be on to something.  I think it may be me failing to provide the right kind of Beta comfort to my wife by failing to take care of her and think about her needs.  She has pretty much said so.
    [Deleted User]
  • RebornReborn LondonGold Men Posts: 2,987
    It seems like she doesn't think too carefully before she says what she thinks.

    In some ways, that may be to your advantage too.
    Enneagram type 5 w6. 
    If I offer lots of advice, it's probably really me giving advice to myself. That always seems to happen. 
  • sting129sting129 Silver Member Posts: 488

    I think a husband that has a good relationship with his FIL is a huge DHV.  I think you made a mountain out of a molehill on this one.

    Joskin_Nodd[Deleted User]Katt
  • redwizardredwizard WestSilver Member Posts: 22
    Pup said:
    Am I being overly sensitive, or is my wife making me the beta to her dad's alpha in my own home?

    If that happened to me, I would simply say, "No need for your dad to come over. I'm going to put them together."

    No need to explain why you want to put them together, or really need to explain to her that you are capable.  Just be capable and say you're going to do it.

  • KattKatt USASilver Member Posts: 4,554
    edited May 2014

    My dad is a fixing genius: he's been an industrial mechanic for years and can repair or build almost anything.   My husband is less of a superstar for that, but he is competent at household repair and maintenance.   Many years ago, I would kind of automatically call my dad to fix things but my dad suggested I make sure Mr. Katt wanted his help first because he didnt want to step on his toes.  I wasn't thinking of it as insulting my husband's manliness in any way; I was actually thinking more in terms of not bugging my husband.  So things like that arent always done with ill intent.  What usually happened is that they would work on it together and my husband learned some more advanced repair skills and my dad enjoyed being of use to me still.   My dad and husband get along great.   My dad adores him, calls him the son he never had and my husband is closer to my dad than he is his own father.   I am super grateful that they have such a good relationship.   It's better to try to build a good rapport with your FIL than for it to become competitive between you.

    Olddog[Deleted User]AngelinePersephone
  • LoisLaneLovesBatmanLoisLaneLovesBatman USASilver Member Posts: 84

    @Pup   You've got great advice. 

    One very Red PIll Alpha thing to do is be VERY FIRM: "Listen wife, get your priorities straight. Your family comes first -- that means me, and kids. Not your dad. Not my sister. ..."

    "I expect you to be LOYAL to me. That means you think of MY FEELINGS FIRST. Not your dad, not my sister, not soccor mom club.  You need to take care of our family -- that means ME, AND OUR KID before anyone else. Before you say another thing, run it through the filter, 'If I say this, how will it make my husband feel?"

    THEN WALK AWAY. Let that message sink in.

    [My theory on your wife: She was trying to make her dad happy by making her dad feel useful. She didn't think about how you would feel at all. She was trying to make your sister happy by saying she would have preferred to give her more money than what she already gave. She wasn't really thinking or prioritizing how you feel. My friend, you were at the bottom of her concern list.]  

    Later, when she comes up to apologize...

    "Wife, I think you are really trying to be a people pleaser. You are wearing yourself out and caring way too much about what people think, and you think no matter what you do, it's not enough, so you keep trying to overdeliver. This is hurting you, and therefore hurting our family. Knock it out. Care about me, our kid, and yourself first. You're doing too much for other people."

    Then give her a hug. And reassure her, she is loved because of who she is. Not what she does. 

    "Wife, stop trying to buy people's love. It makes you cheap. You are enough. Even if you do not a fucking thing more for my sister, you've already done enough."

    Signed,

    Former doormat wife and chronic people pleaser, whose husband, when he finally got his head out of his laptop, snapped on me with Red Pill treatment. It shocked me. But ultimately, I realized dude was right. It's been slow move towards trying to buy people's affections by doing way too much nice shit for them, but I will admit, this is very hard behavior pattern to break. 

    And in the future, anytime she says something in conversation that you hear as being disloyal to you (you will feel it in your stomach, when it's getting emotionally sucker punched) ... IMMEDIATELY: Go to her, and squeeze her hand a little harder than normal. Grab her elbow. This is not a caress touch. This is a silent sanction. AS SOON AS YOU HAVE PRIVACY: Be very clear, direct: "You hurt our family when you said X. Start being loyal to our family. Cut it out."

    END CONVO.  

    Too much yapping when you are trying to put the hammer down is BAD. Do not defend yourself. Do not justify why you feel that way. The point is you do feel that way. That's enough. If you start overexplaining, then you are trying to please your wife. When she fucked up, you shouldn't be caring out her feelings. She needs to care about yours. She doesn't get to cry and whine. 

    When you hit her with emotional Kung Fu "you're being disloyal to OUR FAMILY, that's entirely bigger than "you're being disloyal to me". You need to get clear in her brain, she is hurting HERSELF when she doesn't care about you.

    When she starts to whine, just put it back on her: "What behavior do your want to model for your child? Do you want to model disloyalty?" 

    "When we got married, that means everything shifted. Your first priority isn't your parents, it US, and me, your husband. We are a team. You and I are tied together. When you shit on me, you're really shitting on yourself. We need to protect "us" first. That's part of our marriage contract."

    EXTRA ALPHA BONUS POINTS SPEACH: "If you want to leave, and go be their daughter instead of my wife, that's fine. Leave. But the kid is staying here, because there is no way in hell I want my kid to learn that shit."  THEN LOOK HER DEAD IN THE EYE, AND STAY STILL AND QUIET until she breaks off eye contact. 

     

  • RemusRemus NY,NYSilver Member Posts: 382

    I'm surprised no one has mentioned this, but I think there's no way that the $1000 thing slipped out by accident.

    To me it sounds like she wanted to make herself look good and you bad.  To me this is passive aggressive and far worse than the father thing.

    MoreThanMeetsTheEyeSomeDudeLoisLaneLovesBatman
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