Mark's journey

fordsvt

Why the fuck do you live in her parents house?

This makes you look weak and powerless.  

Mark72

I thought I covered that... we were going to move into my fathers second house. Last minute it fell through. No place to go

fordsvt

Exactly. Show you can be a provider. Living in the parents house displays low value and makes you look weak. You need to change that by getting a better job and making more money. She doesn't respect you. 

Maria

Hi, @Mark72,

there's really a lot going on in your life!

To me it seems as if your financial situation was the biggest issue right now, especially as your living circumstances hinge on it.

Could you tell us more about it? You wrote that you "lost the house" - why? Are you currently employed? What are your job prospects?

The triage would be immensely helpful to give us background information and a clearer timeline.

Mark72

I will have the triage completed today. Bit by bit while I work, and the boss ain't lookin...

I am employed. I have been the whole time we were married, except for a month when I lost a job and started working for her dad until I found another job. When I get bonus, I make more than she does. Hourly, she makes more. She is an RN. I am a debt collector for a bank.

I did a budget and we need about $600 more per month (not including my bonus) to be able to make it. Childcare for 3 kids is expensive. We use her sister, but it is still expensive. If we separate, I will not give her sister a dime, I will choose my own childcare provider for the time I have the kids.

Geez... as I am typing this my boss is breathing down my neck... and I'm not even clocked in... I'll post more throughout the day.

al2682

Don't get in trouble typing at work.....And most employers track where you go on the net, though they don't review all of the time..  I'm in IT and use a "guest network" that isn't tracked.

Mark72

I don't have that luxery. They rarely track for personal use, they mainly track for potential risk and exposure, being that it's a bank. The main site is blocked. The "vanillaforum" is not blocked. Working on triage now. Should I post here or in intro thread?

al2682

Post here please.  It is easier if everything is kept together.

Mark72

1.       Rule out medical

I am a type 1 diabetic, since 1976 when I was 4. I have an insulin pump, and it is fairly well controlled. Good retinas, good feet, no nerve damage. I’ve never really been in good shape, but we had joined a gym a few times… I went faithfully for a few months, but always ended up quitting because she quit and “needed my help at home”.

In January 2012, she had a miscarriage due to a partial mole pregnancy. Lots of info, GOOGLE is your friend here… Later that year in the summer, I had a lot of blockage in my LAD and had a robotic assisted bypass. I also have anxiety issues. Since the trouble in 2012 began, I started having ED issues – didn’t  have that issue except when I was heavily into porn. Add some allergies and insomnia,  and of course the codependence issues.

2.       Rule out Structural Attraction issues

I am slightly overweight. But I have been losing weight. I am 6’ and 195 lbs. Fairly attractive guy. I’ve always worked. A few unemployed stints when I was in my early 20’s. We both have vehicles. The big issues is my codependence and porn addiction, both of which I am recovering. The people-pleasing aspect to my codependency is really hard to overcome. SO is

3.       Rule out critical moments and neglect

I have a porn addiction. I confessed slipping to her twice, and she caught me once. The time she caught me, was the time after she said “One more time and we are divorcing”. I lied for about 30 mintues, then confessed all. Even things she wouldn’t possibly know about. Like the webcam girls. And the fact that I did it when she was in the hospital with complications in the 8th month of pregnancy. She and I were living with her parents then as well… and our relationship was bad then as well. This is the 3rd time we have lived with her parents.  1st time was right after the youngest was born. I worked but we weren’t getting ahead. Her parents talked me into it (like I’m not already a pushover). We stayed there for 2 years, and this stay was when the porn incident happened and I moved out for a month. She told me to move back in after Christmas came and went, and right before our son was born. We moved out the next month into a house, but the owners told us that they were losing it to foreclosure. That was about 6 months after we moved in. We stayed there while looking for another place, but had to go back to her parents for another two months while we closed on the condo. We moved into the condo in November 2009. After the miscarriage in 2012, things started going downhill again. Really bad – she didn’t get any help but was very depressed. Sex slowed down a lot. Quality and quantity. In July, I found out about the blockage in my arteries. It was about a week after that when I suggested she go stay with her parents for a few days. Instead she moved out. August, I had the bypass. She was there in the hospital. So was my family and hers. They didn’t mingle well. Long history of animosity between she and my family. After the surgery she suggested I stay with them for a few days after I got out of the hospital. It wasn’t fun. By September she had said she wants to get a place with me, and we did in October 2012. She got pregnant again fairly soon after that, and we were looking for a bigger place. My father owns 2 homes outright. One, my brother lives in, but he wanted to move out. My father asked us to move in. It was approaching our year, so we didn’t renew the lease. 3 days before our lease expired, he told us that we couldn’t move in for a while… there was some work to be done (which to this day still isn’t done). So we had no place to go. Now, she is spending a lot of money – she blew through our savings. She has been hanging out with a girl at her work that isn’t a good influence – she is going through a divorce, she had tried to get my wife and a guy from their work together… she is a yoga instructor and has money, so she is what my wife wants to be. My wife had gained 100 lbs since we got married. She has been doing really well since the beginning of the year but still has a long way to go.

4.       Rule out outside sexual sources

I don’t think she has been seeing anyone. When she told me in January that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore, I started snooping. I thought I found something but I was wrong about it. There isn’t a ton of time. It’s possible, but I am not really suspicious right now.

5.       When did the sex go bad?

Right after the miscarriage in 2012.

 

Mark72

6. What was the sex like at the beginning of the relationship?

She was quite inexperienced when we first got together. She pursued me. She was very willing to try new things, and do just about anything I wanted.

7. What is the elephant in the room?

I had looked into some dating sites recently. This started when I thought I discovered an affair. I talked with someone online, but stopped. Never met. We exchanged photos. Some were provocative. I cut it off completely a month ago. It lasted a couple weeks.

8. Who is the leader in your marriage?

She is. I know she wants me to take the wheel but doesn’t know how to let go. I want to take the wheel but don’t know how to tactfully take it over. I’ve tried and failed miserably.

9. Tell about the good times.

The best times in the marriage were the first 4 years, and the 3 years when we were in the condo. Basically when we didn’t live with her parents. The time from October 2012 wasn’t the “good times”but they were better than they are now. Communication was good. Sex was incredible. She met my physical and emotional “touch” needs and sex needs. I didn’t have to think about every word I said to make sure it wouldn’t send her into a rage. She tried to do things to make me happy without me asking. Now, the answer is usually “I don’t feel like…”

Maria

Is there something else that's keeping you from renting a place of your own?

You are both working, so it should not be an insurmountable problem. I can understand why you had to move in with her parents after your father went back on his word (seriously, you need to become independent of both of your parents in this respect!), but why are you still there?

How hard are you trying to find a house or flat of your own?

Mark72

Me by myself, or all 5 of us, @Maria ?

Maria

I meant for your whole family.

By "of our own" I meant independent of your parents. It's always a problem when parents have their fingers in their childrens' marriages or financial situations - as well-meaning they might be.

Mark72

She has said she doesnt want to move out with me, she is quite comfortable staying with her parents. Her parents want us out though, but they will not tell her to leave... or else she will go stay with their other daughter, and that will be a whole new can of worms.

I have pondered going to find an apartment of my own, to accomodate the kids and me. I cant swing that right now.

Conrad

Mark,

Maria is telling you that you'll never be the Captain in that place.

No way - no how.

Mark72

I know I am 4th in the pecking order there. It's not possible for me to break free of the codependency there. The environment is horrible for it. I can survive only there. Her parents don't treat me poorly per se, but they are both afraid of her so they stopped trying. Her mom still tries to talk to her but I think she's just making things worse.

Maria

I'd encourage you to think about the one hour coaching call with one of the coaches. There's such a lot to untangle.

It's not healthy for you to merely survive from one day to another, it's not healthy for your children to live under these circumstances - and not only that, it's also bad for your wife to hold everyone as emotional hostage! Without ever learning to accept boundaries and meeting with consequences she can't grow into a functional adult.

But it's mainly you, of course, we are concerned about.

Conrad

Mark72 said:

they are both afraid of her so they stopped trying.

They helped create the monster.

Mark72

Her father tried to have a weekly meeting with us to encourage communication. It lasted one session. Both her parents told her she needs to speak with our pastor and to a counselor. She has refused. She isn't listening to any voice that promotes our marriage. She is listening to the ones that tell her she's an idiot for being with me.

Maria

She doesn't need to listen, because there are no consequences for her. From what you wrote it looks as if she gets exactly what she wants.