Reflections and lamentations on my lack of a social life (and support network)

Scarlet

I completely agree with @Natalie_Lorin.  Unless you're running a fever, puking, or hacking up a lung, take a Tylenol and go be social.  You don't have to be perfect in order to enjoy life.  And you don't have to please your husband in every way before being a human with needs, yourself.  Your life revolves around being perfect, both for him and for an unseen standard.  That's a huge problem. 

Avalinette

Well, I'm not sure. It is hard trying to walk the tightrope between being too sick to go out or not and deciding which one it is. I think I made the right decision to take it easy last week...and even with being careful about going out at night and stuff, my cough is still around.

Anyway, life is much more social now (partly because of all those cancelled engagements being re-scheduled to this week)

I had my Mom and then my best friend over on Friday. Saturday we went to a wedding and caught up with a lot of acquaintances we haven't seen in a while. It was a long day though.

Monday, H has the day off and we have babysitting So, H and I will get to have a holiday just the two of us:)

Tuesday, I'll see my sister and I have a friend coming over for dinner.

Wednesday, I might go out with the friend I was meant to see last Tues, but still firming that up and Friday, I'm firming up arrangements to reschedule the week before lasts playdate and evening barbecue (different people).

It sounds a bit exhausting, but I guess it'll be fun.

Scarlet

I'm going to harp on this a little because there's a greater point here.  Coughs tend to last.  A dry cough does not mean you are ill.  It just means you're coughing. 

Avalinette

Well, since my last update here, I've managed to be a lot more sociable. We've managed a few playdates; I've had one going out in the evening with a friend thing (a first time for H putting LO to bed without me in the house); we've had people over for an evening barbecue and tomorrow I might actually start a playgroup (it still counts if it's only one other Mom who come over, right? cause so far only one has actually said she'll come)

Avalinette

I said that I would update this thread this week, so here goes:

I'm emerging from the baby fog now and getting back into stuff. We're managing a playdate of some sort most weeks and slowly catching up with all our friends (many of whom came to visit/help during our first week home, but have ignored us since). Playgroup is up and running again: I have 2 Moms and 4 kids (including mine) and sometimes a third Mom coming. We are meeting every fortnight. H and I have started hosting a monthly church group at our house and will start up the Friday evening barbecues again in a fortnight.

I want to go over the friends I listed when I first started this list.

Sis: still struggling a bit with scheduling and haven't seen much of each other recently, but I'll keep pushing to get us catching up close to weekly

R: I'm torn with this. She is still too 'busy' to see me and hard to get hold of. I don't feel valued as a friend when she's always going off doing other things but doesn't have time for me. On the other hand, she's the only female friend that I click with well and that I feel close to. Anyway, I'll keep trying to stay in touch, but I'll move my focus to other friends because it's not worth putting all the effort in and not getting a return.

T and B: I haven't seen their kids since baby was born. I know they want to catch up, but neither party is really putting in the effort to get together. I'll phone/text them both soon and try again.

X: X often comes to playgroup and we're getting to know each other better

K: K has been a wonderful friend to me in the last few months. She was a wonderful support in the last part of pregnancy and with baby stuff. She comes to playgroup and sometimes helps run it (she took a few sessions while baby was little). I'm in the process of lining up an evening out with her. Her family are in the church group that have started meeting at our home and my husband likes her husband (my husband has even fewer friends than me) so H and I both want to cultivate this friendship.

Other ladies at church: I still barely know any of the other ladies. There have been some new mothers with little children lately and one of them might join out playgroup. As for the older ladies, I'll try and get along to Bible Study again sometime soon (though with 2 kids in tow, I doubt I'll be doing much Bible study). There is also V who lives near me and has invited me to her house for tea. I've been once and she's invited me to come again once things are settled with the new baby, so I need to phone her and organise that.

She came to visit us about a fortnight ago, and will again as soon as I invite her...so I should.

M: Hasn't responded to any of my texts since we moved house. Is very friendly on the odd occasion we see her and says we should catch up but I guess she forgets my existence as soon as I leave the room. I'm not going to put any more effort into this friendship.

N: Visited and helped a bit in the first week home with baby but has been busy since then. I got a text from her yesterday apologising for the busyness and making plans for a playdate in a few weeks time.

O: We've not really managed to get to know these neighbours, but I'll try again now that I'm less tied down with baby.

New neighbour: S just moved in next door. Her son is my LO's age. She works most of the week but has been friendly and we've had one play date so far.

Mother's group: We're still going. I'm still on aquaintance (rather than friend) basis with the women there...except for one: P moved into the neighbourhood recently. Her daughter is the same age as my LO and as they don't know anyone they were very pleased to get to know us better. We've been on a handful of playdates together and she and her husband (who works at the same place H does, though they've never met each other) will be coming for dinner to our house in a fortnight's time.

Avalinette

Went out with my sister last week. With 3 kids between us, it was a little difficult to talk and we kept jumping between topics because something would distract us. We were also out in a fairly noisy place. I'll try go over to her house in the next week or two, but it's not toddler proof so I'll still be needing to keep a pretty close eye on my LO. I'm trying to organise something for us without kids but it'll be logistically difficult.

I spoke to R last week on the phone briefly: she's still too busy to catch up.

I've texted T back and forth a bit and she said she'll get back to me about organising a playdate around her kids' schedules.

K came to playgroup last week. We're trying to organise an evening out without kids (I'll take baby along) but her hubby's too busy at present to watch her kids...maybe in a few weeks.

I spoke to V at church. We'll go for tea at her house this week or next. I just need to (track down her number) and call her to make a time.

D is coming on Tuesday night, which kills 2 birds with one stone because my hubby is working late that night and this way I won't be alone with the kids all night.

O spoke to me over the fence this week. She's made a vague invite for us to go swim in their pool sometime in the next few weeks.

I went round to S's house yesterday and she invited me in so we chatted a bit. Her 2 year old is very shy and cried the whole time I was there (he cried last time when they came here too). Anyway, I've made a playdate for me and my kids to go over there week after next. Hopefully he'll be less shy with a bit more notice and I'll get my LO to take her trainset over as a distraction.

P and hubby will probably come over to us next weekend.

Avalinette

Went out with my sister last week. With 3 kids between us, it was a little difficult to talk and we kept jumping between topics because something would distract us. We were also out in a fairly noisy place. I'll try go over to her house in the next week or two, but it's not toddler proof so I'll still be needing to keep a pretty close eye on my LO. I'm trying to organise something for us without kids but it'll be logistically difficult.

I spoke to R last week on the phone briefly: she's still too busy to catch up.

I've texted T back and forth a bit and she said she'll get back to me about organising a playdate around her kids' schedules.

K came to playgroup last week. We're trying to organise an evening out without kids (I'll take baby along) but her hubby's too busy at present to watch her kids...maybe in a few weeks.

I spoke to V at church. We'll go for tea at her house this week or next. I just need to (track down her number) and call her to make a time.

D is coming on Tuesday night, which kills 2 birds with one stone because my hubby is working late that night and this way I won't be alone with the kids all night.

O spoke to me over the fence this week. She's made a vague invite for us to go swim in their pool sometime in the next few weeks.

I went round to S's house yesterday and she invited me in so we chatted a bit. Her 2 year old is very shy and cried the whole time I was there (he cried last time when they came here too). Anyway, I've made a playdate for me and my kids to go over there week after next. Hopefully he'll be less shy with a bit more notice and I'll get my LO to take her trainset over as a distraction.

P and hubby will probably come over to us next weekend.

Avalinette

Went out with my sister last week. With 3 kids between us, it was a little difficult to talk and we kept jumping between topics because something would distract us. We were also out in a fairly noisy place. I'll try go over to her house in the next week or two, but it's not toddler proof so I'll still be needing to keep a pretty close eye on my LO. I'm trying to organise something for us without kids but it'll be logistically difficult.

I spoke to R last week on the phone briefly: she's still too busy to catch up.

I've texted T back and forth a bit and she said she'll get back to me about organising a playdate around her kids' schedules.

K came to playgroup last week. We're trying to organise an evening out without kids (I'll take baby along) but her hubby's too busy at present to watch her kids...maybe in a few weeks.

I spoke to V at church. We'll go for tea at her house this week or next. I just need to (track down her number) and call her to make a time.

D is coming on Tuesday night, which kills 2 birds with one stone because my hubby is working late that night and this way I won't be alone with the kids all night.

O spoke to me over the fence this week. She's made a vague invite for us to go swim in their pool sometime in the next few weeks.

I went round to S's house yesterday and she invited me in so we chatted a bit. Her 2 year old is very shy and cried the whole time I was there (he cried last time when they came here too). Anyway, I've made a playdate for me and my kids to go over there week after next. Hopefully he'll be less shy with a bit more notice and I'll get my LO to take her trainset over as a distraction.

P and hubby will probably come over to us next weekend.

Avalinette

Went out with my sister last week. With 3 kids between us, it was a little difficult to talk and we kept jumping between topics because something would distract us. We were also out in a fairly noisy place. I'll try go over to her house in the next week or two, but it's not toddler proof so I'll still be needing to keep a pretty close eye on my LO. I'm trying to organise something for us without kids but it'll be logistically difficult.

I spoke to R last week on the phone briefly: she's still too busy to catch up.

I've texted T back and forth a bit and she said she'll get back to me about organising a playdate around her kids' schedules.

K came to playgroup last week. We're trying to organise an evening out without kids (I'll take baby along) but her hubby's too busy at present to watch her kids...maybe in a few weeks.

I spoke to V at church. We'll go for tea at her house this week or next. I just need to (track down her number) and call her to make a time.

D is coming on Tuesday night, which kills 2 birds with one stone because my hubby is working late that night and this way I won't be alone with the kids all night.

O spoke to me over the fence this week. She's made a vague invite for us to go swim in their pool sometime in the next few weeks.

I went round to S's house yesterday and she invited me in so we chatted a bit. Her 2 year old is very shy and cried the whole time I was there (he cried last time when they came here too). Anyway, I've made a playdate for me and my kids to go over there week after next. Hopefully he'll be less shy with a bit more notice and I'll get my LO to take her trainset over as a distraction.

P and her hubby will probably come over to us next weekend.

Avalinette

Went out with my sister last week. With 3 kids between us, it was a little difficult to talk and we kept jumping between topics because something would distract us. We were also out in a fairly noisy place. I'll try go over to her house in the next week or two, but it's not toddler proof so I'll still be needing to keep a pretty close eye on my LO. I'm trying to organise something for us without kids but it'll be logistically difficult.

I spoke to R last week on the phone briefly: she's still too busy to catch up.

I've texted T back and forth a bit and she said she'll get back to me about organising a playdate around her kids' schedules.

K came to playgroup last week. We're trying to organise an evening out without kids (I'll take baby along) but her hubby's too busy at present to watch her kids...maybe in a few weeks.

I spoke to V at church. We'll go for tea at her house this week or next. I just need to (track down her number) and call her to make a time.

D is coming on Tuesday night, which kills 2 birds with one stone because my hubby is working late that night and this way I won't be alone with the kids all night.

O spoke to me over the fence this week. She's made a vague invite for us to go swim in their pool sometime in the next few weeks.

I went round to S's house yesterday and she invited me in so we chatted a bit. Her 2 year old is very shy and cried the whole time I was there (he cried last time when they came here too). Anyway, I've made a playdate for me and my kids to go over there week after next. Hopefully he'll be less shy with a bit more notice and I'll get my LO to take her trainset over as a distraction.

P and hubby will probably come over to us next weekend.

Avalinette

Saw my sister last week and for a change we had a bit of time to talk without too much interruption.

Organised and had the playdate with T.

Forgot to phone V I remembered when I saw her at church this morning (how do I make that embarrassed smiley?) Oops. She says she glad I didn't because she wouldn't have been able to see us.

I'll also be seeing my MIL this week...my in-laws are near impossible to pin down because they're always so busy, so I'm quite pleased with myself for seeing and capitalising on an opportunity.

P cancelled our barbecue plans and then we re-made them for a fortnight's time.

Avalinette

I've noticed the last few times I've seen my sister that I talk way too much. It's not just my sister, but often any adult company: it's like a torrent bottled up inside me and once I start talking it just goes and I just tell my stories and don't easily let the other person talk. This time I had a specific thing I wanted to ask my sister. I saw her about 3 times and at the end of each I'd realise I hadn't asked. This last time, I managed to ask and she told her story and I kept butting in with anecdotes from my life. I kept internally telling myself to shut up and kept refocussing on her story and then next thing I'd be talking again. This time, I managed to hear all of her story.

Mostly I find I do most of the talking and I walk away from conversations realising I didn't learn anything about the other person...so frustrated at myself.

Captain_Hammer

@jamoni how can you give yourself validation, surely part of this must come from other people?

Avalinette

Thanks for the comments, folks

I'm proud of myself. I visited someone this week and managed to shut up and listen to her. I also managed to ask the right questions to get her talking (in this case the magic buttons were her job and her kids).

Avalinette

So, I'm organising a birthday party for myself. I loved having birthday parties in my early 20s. It saddens me to realise there is almost no one (apart from my hubby) on the invite list this time who I invited a decade ago. I still have their addresses, but don't really feel I can invite someone with whom I've had no contact in years.

Angeline

Sure you can. If they were a good influence in your life, go for it. If not, keep going.

Avalinette

I guess so, @Angeline . In this case, the party's already full: We figure we can fit in about 20-30 people max and have 30 RSVPs already (not everyone will be there the whole time, and some of those 30 are kids and babies). I'm also focusing more on people I have a future with. Sure it'd be great to see some old friends but more important to me at the moment to cultivate the friends who will be around more and have shown an interest in being in my life. Pretty much everyone mentioned in this thread by me has been invited.