How can I put this delicately?

MiddleMan

I need some input from the FOs on how to put this to my wife. She's responding well to my MAPping in general. Part of this is that she's starting to dress in nicer, more flattering clothing.  This means more sleeveless tops/dresses in the summer.

So what's the way to express to her that she needs to shave her armpits more frequently?

I understand not shaving legs every day. That seems like a lot of work. But it seems that my wife is willing to let her armpits go a few days between shaves. She has dark hair, so if she's wearing something sleeveless and raises her hand, there's some moderate stubble there. I always assumed that shaving the armpits was a regular part of a daily shower.

I want to draw her attention to this without making her feel ugly or self-conscious. What's the best way to accomplish this?

C8H11NO2plusplus

Go out of your way to compliment her when she does shave, touch them and tell her how smooth it feels, stick your face in there like it's a babys ass. If she's responding like you say she is, she'll want that more. Positive reinforcement. Carrot, not stick.

Katt

Glad to hear your wife is responding well

Unless you two have the kind of dynamic where you can playfully tease without it hurting feelings, the positive reinforcement is really the only way to go.   

KatherineKelly

My BF is Japanese and I have way more body hair than he does plus I'm French (Provincial not Parisian) by birth and did not shave my underarms and only my  legs in the summer until coming to the states so I can appreciate this thread.

Shaving is a pain literally and figuratively and for me I had a couple of hairs growing around my areola, which was a problem for him.

He opened the conversation about what made each of us sexually attractive to the other.

He likes my body hair but not "that much hair" I laugh when I think about it now.

I like that he takes showers, has good hygiene, dental care, cuts his toe nails among other things.

Talk about this attraction and what each does for the other and how you do not want to hurt someone you love but yet also want to be honest about what you need.

Shaving is not asking her to change to "look like other woman" so it should not attack her self worth.

Its great that you care enough about her to start this thread. Kudos to you for that.

MiddleMan

I agree conceptually. But how would positive armpit reinforcement sound? How would one effusively praise armpit shaving?

"I love your pits!"

"You shaved; I love it!"

Putting my face in there? That's a bit weird; at best she'd be tickled. 

EDIT: I think @KatherineKelly‌ and I posted at the same time. 

MiddleMan

TheWolf said:

Next time she's getting a bit hairy under there, what's wrong with, "you should shave your pits."?

You're right. Perhaps I'm overthinking this one. 

Scarlet

How does she normally respond to things?  

And just something to think about:  if she's sensitive about such things, is it really worth bringing up right now?  Or would it be better to wait and keep the positive momentum going? 

Katt

Do I remember that your wife is a bit sensitive?   If so, you'll need to calibrate accordingly.   You don't want to make her feel like she's doing good things and looking better and all you notice is one bad thing and then she figures why bother.  My husband will usually just make a joke about any body hair that is overdue on removal but we tease back and forth a lot and I have pretty thick skin for that sort of thing.  So the approach with your wife needs to be calibrated to her personality.  

MiddleMan

@Katt‌, she's very sensitive. Which is why I haven't said anything. We were at a large family gathering, so there's nothing she could have done about it right then, and it only would have made her feel self conscious for the whole day. So I didn't say anything, and we had fun. It got chilly, so she put on a long sleeved jacket. So no real harm done.

I do want her to be thinking about stuff like this, though. This is simple stuff; girl game 101. Seriously, does it take more than 30 seconds to shave one's armpits in the shower?

Katt

I agree it is something for her to pay attention to, especially with sleeveless season upon us.   Is it at all possible that she will think of it more herself as she starts to wear summer clothes?  I just don't want you to to end up causing a setback instead of an improvement here.  

It is about a 30 second job, but if she happens to have sensitive skin, it can actually hurt a little to do it every day.  It took me a while to find a shaving cream/razor combo that didn't leave my skin a little raw from shaving there daily.  

Angeline

Before an event that it won't kill you to miss (in case it blows up): Point at her for a twirl for you before you leave the house, "Hold up your hair" " hold up your arms" and point it out if you can see. "Dress, awesome, check! Heels, check! Whup - go change into sleeves or shave the pits."

There's just no way around that awkward moment. Don't let it turn into a ''You don't love me!" or "Fine, I don't want to go now!"

Tell her, "I'd want you to tell my if my fly was open or I had shaving cream on my neck. I got your back! That's what people who love each other do."

seriously

MiddleMan said:

Seriously, does it take more than 30 seconds to shave one's armpits in the shower?

Yup, it takes me 42 seconds, per pit.

MiddleMan

@silvertower‌, it's not "Buckwheat in a headlock," it's maybe a week's worth of growth. And I agree; I think @Angeline‌ has the best way for me to frame it. I'm looking out for her; it's equivalent to having one's fly down. 

Katt

@Silvertower Some women really are more sensitive than others, but I agree walking on eggshells isn't good.   Better to gently acclimate such a woman to playful teasing.  I was the only child of a very rough around the edges dad who can really dish it out, so my skin for teasing and negging is thick and I can dish it out really well too.  My self esteem is high enough that I'm not easily hurt or even impacted by that sort of thing.   But a girl who has major self image issues or didn't grow up exposed to smartass banter could legitimately be hurt much more easily, so you might need a more gentle approach.   

MiddleMan

It's not a lack of attraction. She's demonstrating that she's attracted to me; I'm definitely seeing progress. And as opposed to a fitness test, I think it's laziness on her part. Or at least a general cluelessness about it.

She and I are occasionally doing more playful banter, but we tend to be careful not to say anything legitimately hurtful. We err on the side of caution. I have a feeling that once I raise the subject, we'll be able to joke about it. I hope.

I'm hoping that when I get home from work today I'll see that she's done it already.

TheatreMommy

I don't know the backstory, but I have buds who don't shave because of a granola-style statement.  I am not THAT granola, but I'm very granola. And for me, I shave daily BECAUSE I hate deodorant sticks. I will use them if I start to become odorous, but I have a near-on clinical fear of cancer and that is one of the things linked to breast cancer. Now, with research, I learned a bit about BO - that the sweat under our arms and in our crotch is a bit different, and it feeds bugs differently - it is different because it is pheramone-y etc... oilier... blah blah.  And when there is hair under the arms, that oily sweat doesn't evaporate as easily, and it stays more humid and more bugs develop and THAT is the cause for most odor there. The mild smell that a person has around the nape of the neck and behind the ears... that good smell is the smell that a pit can have when kept shaved, clean and dry - without a deodorant.

Of course, this doesn't work for every woman... people have different amounts of sweat and hair and odor... BUT...

In my mind:  Shaving every day prevents breast cancer

(i.e., shaving daily = less hair = less smell = less deodorant = less of a perceived chance of getting cancer) The science might be crap, but I have well shaved pits... and only use deodorant after working out at the gym.  (ps. one should never apply deodorant right after shaving... so if she puts on the stick each day as part of her morning routine, she might want to shave before bed).  Again, I don't know how sound the science is... but this has been my solution. 

MiddleMan

@silvertower‌ - I'm not armpit hair phobic. My feelings on female armpit hair are pretty much the same as the vast majority of Americans' feelings. I want my wife to realize that she's doing something that makes her less attractive and I want her to stop doing it.

The more I think about this, the more I realize that it's just something she doesn't think about. Two years ago, we took a trip to Hawaii. She didn't pack a razor for the 10-day trip. She and I got some "alone time" without my daughter at the end of the trip. I asked her then if she could shave her armpits. (This is after having several days' worth of opportunities to buy a razor or even borrow her sister's razor, which was in our suite's shower.)

She ended up using my electric razor. 

Again, this was two years ago. But it wasn't traumatic enough for her to change her behavior. I think it just shows that it's not a priority to her; it's an inconvenience that she'd rather not deal with. So she probably just does it as little as she can get away with. 

Angeline

TRex said:

There is another option: maybe you could learn to appreciate a woman who is au naturel. A woman's untamed natural beauty can be a powerful aphrodisiac....... seriously.

@MiddleMan‌,  this would actually be a pretty funny way to A&A the whole thing, since it sound like you HAVE brought this up before. 

As to how could she not know, people have an amazing ability to pretend something unpleasant doesn't exist, thus the "elephant in the room" cliche.

MiddleMan

@TRex- I don't see that happening. But I agree with @Angeline, that might be the perfect way to A&A it. 

seriously

Angeline said:

TRex said:

There is another option: maybe you could learn to appreciate a woman who is au naturel. A woman's untamed natural beauty can be a powerful aphrodisiac....... seriously.

@MiddleMan‌,  this would actually be a pretty funny way to A&A the whole thing, since it sound like you HAVE brought this up before. 

@MiddleMan - Use a cheesy french accent.

Oui, oui, mon amour. J'ai besoin d'enterrer mon visage dans votre charmante femme fuzz. J'ai besoin de sentir l'odeur du parfum de votre journée, votre sueur, votre labeur.

Translated from english - Yes, yes, my love.  I need to bury my face in your lovely woman fuzz.  I need to  smell the aroma of your day, your sweat, your toil.

seriously

TRex said:

There is another option: maybe you could learn to appreciate a woman who is au naturel. A woman's untamed natural beauty can be a powerful aphrodisiac....... seriously.

To a Degree ... pun intended.