Post-partum issues

frillyfun

I had a lot different situation at my house- my H is a low-t lazy bear.  Before LO I did most of the initiating.  When my drive tanked with pregnancy we went clinically sexless.  

I woke up one day and realized that we had had sex 1 or 2 times in 5 months (and it was bad- as expected).  I felt used, unloved, and it nearly broke us.  

I know what she's going through with the newborn phase, but the rest is a lot different.

So don't just sit there and wait it out.  Do something- anything.  If it doesn't work do something different.  It's a major blow to a woman's sense of self when her husband doesn't act attracted to her.  In his mind it may be the kind, gentlemanly thing to do, but it sucks when you're on the receiving end.

Looking back on our lack of a sex life at that time still makes me want to cry.  You have to connect as husband and wife.  Even if it doesn't lead to as much sex as you'd like.

Also, take the love languages quiz with her.  It will help get both of you on the same page.

ETA- I just read your triage.  It doesn't sound like you've read the Primer.  Go read the Primer.

frillyfun

Yes- OMG birth control.  Get some condoms.  I would have jumped off a bridge if I found out I was pregnant at 4 months post partum.  I'm not even joking.

Angeline

Pull-out = hello new baby. Really. That is not a birth control method.

Carebear

odie6423 said:

@katt I'm religious about pulling out, so I don't think she's afraid of that.

Pulling out is #1 attraction killer for some. You are LEAVING at a very important moment. She's not good enough for you to stay. 

Unless she truly doesn't care. Fix pulling out. Some women really hate that. 

Katt

@ANewHope said:

frillyfun‌ - thank you for that insight. Note that you initiated sex before you were pregnant. The OP (and my wife ) did not. I don't think she gave a shit whether I was attracted to her or not. Mainly because, I would guess, I'm not attractive myself. 

I don't think most people realize that love and sexual attraction in marriage are two very different and largely separate things, so they likely wouldn't think that way.  Your wife knew you loved her, she loved you, she likely didn't say to herself "I don't care if he's attracted to me".  I never thought of love and attraction as being separate entities in my marriage relationship until I stumbled on MMSL.  I grouped it all under "love".  

The OP is physically attractive, but not attracting his wife. She told him to leave her alone for a year. This doesn't appear to be apple to apples. 

The underlined part is why the OP needs to read the primer.   A man can be incredibly good looking and have a good job and all that but not be attracting his wife at all if he isn't bringing enough alpha.  I don't think outside of MMSL land most guys realize how the attraction aspect works for women and how physical appearance is just a piece of the puzzle, not even close to the whole picture.

frillyfun

No- it's definitely not apples to apples.  

The no sex for a year thing is a shit test.  Learn to pass the shit test, and you're golden.

Katt

Pulling out didn't upset me or anything, and we used it successfully for long periods more than once, (once it would have been totally ok if it failed so wasnt too worried) but when we used it while I was nursing my first and not ready for a second I was so paranoid about it not working that it was yet another obstacle (along with the absence of a physical drive and slight PPD and the stress of the baby) to me being enthusiastic about sex.   

Katt

ANewHope said

How is no sex a shit test?  If she's not attracted, she's not attracted. A big fuck you, I agree with. Shit test?  I don't see it. 

I disagree. 

Not having sex for a year isn't the shit test ; TELLING him "try back in a year" is a shit test.

Natalie_Lorin

Created to Be His Help Meet is one of the worst books for women I have ever read. Ever. I realize I probably have issues, but seeing someone recommend that book actually makes me feel a little ill inside AND I'm a conservative, evangelical, "traditional gender roles" sort of wife. It's condescending and anxiety producing and full of just terrible exegesis. It's like the anti-map for women.

"Is your husband a lazy bear shlub who sleeps around on you? Well if he's getting laid,  maid, and trayed, then he's sure not ever going to leave you for someone who actually commands a little respect. Up that beta woman! Jump. Higher! You don't want to end up divorced and alone with your kids despising you and probably exposed to child predators all because you maybe sort of kind of stood up for yourself that one time."

-CTBHHM according to Natalie 

Angeline

Chief_TC said:

frillyfun said:

Yes- OMG birth control.  Get some condoms.  I would have jumped off a bridge if I found out I was pregnant at 4 months post partum.  I'm not even joking.

My wife and her older sister are 10 months apart in age. And her sister was born 2 months premature!

Can you imagine being pregnant with you second before your first was even supposed to be born?

I know plenty of folks like that, one of my daughter' friends was 5 months apart from her sibling. They spent time in the same NICU. They were so distracted by the first baby being there after 7 month pregnancy, they forgot all about BC.