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always wanting more
peoplelie
clevelandMember Posts: 1
this is my first post to this website so bare with me...
My wife and I have been together for about 8 years now and got married about two years ago. We have a 16 month old baby and own a home. I am working two jobs to support us because we decided she needed to be home with the kid for three years or so. I pay all the bills I do my own landscaping, fix things around the house and help with the kid as much as I can. I even set up most doctor apointments. My wife has "girls night" at least once a week. We constantly are updating things around the house from the bathroom to building a beautiful vegetable garden, creating a new play room for our kid...ect. all of which costs money and 90% of the time are my wifes ideas and I get stuck doing all the work, which I wouldnt mind but....
Every time I start something I feel like I have to rush because,in her eyes, its taking to long. Last project I had to paint a room three times because she wasn't happy with the color...still I had to listen to "why is it taking so long", "im always stuck with the baby" "I never have time for myself" "I havta go to the store and buy this and that" to which I replied why dont you paint ill take care of thr baby and go shop...no response for her So I weny back to painting.
I sleep about 4 to 6 hours a night working two jobs, one of which is mostly on weekend nights. When I get home I help clean or wash dishes anf if noy im taking care of the baby, playing feeding changing....i have been an athlete all my life and the last time I played a sport or worked out was one time in april I believe. I dont have "guy nights" ever and when I try to have a couple hours with my friends my wife just bitches and then when I cancel my plans she bitches for me canceling my plans...she makes decisions without me but If I do anyrhing without asking her we argue. She wants me to help more around the house and asks how come we cant afford to go on vacation. I work 60hrs plus every week... and we cant afford it bc of her projects and ideas...all new furniture..play room ..garden..ect. the nicer I am and the more I do the more is expected from me...and its never enough...shes always un happy and honestly as been boring latley... I wish I could help the situation but I dont know how. I tried putting my foot down taking control of EVERYTHING but that didnt work I try to be nice and listen to her it doesnt work...try to meet in the middle doesnt work. ... any advice?
Comments
Begin with triage.
Information is not knowledge.
Knowledge is not wisdom.
peoplelie,
WOW! You're a really "nice guy".
I would write down everything YOU would like to do.
For example: I would like one night out every week or two with the guys. I would like to cut back work to 40 hours per week. I would like to start working out again or play team sports. I would like to do projects in my own time and do it once, not over and over again. I would like to "share" time with the baby. I would like to sleep at least 8 hours per night.
Then, I would start MAPing and begin to introduce each and every one of these things, not "asking" your wife if you can, but saying this is what I have decided and this is how we're going to do it. Then, DO IT. If she bitches, let her bitch, don't wander from your course, she will get over it. Remember, ALL these things I have written down are TOTALLY reasonable. If you keep on this old path you will have a monster dragon hamster of biblical proportions on your hand.
Tackle each item one by one over a period of time. Stay in YOUR frame, read every friggen post on this forum and stay on course.
Welcome, @peoplelie . If you answer the triage questions that will help us to give you appropriate advice. Triage questions here (scroll down the page a bit).
The advice you've gotten so far is great...it sounds like your wife needs to have it spelled out what the budget is, what everything is going to cost, and how much that takes away from her dream of a vacation.
Also, as a SAHM, it sounds like she should be doing more than she is. What exactly is she doing all day? Sounds like you need to push back a bit (or a lot) on the unreasonable requests...I'd never dream of "making" my husband re-paint a room because I didn't like the color. If I chose/agreed on the color, and didn't say something after those first few feet of wall were painted and I realized I hated it, then it's my problem to deal with or live with.
We definitely need the triage. Please include a description of how you "put your foot down," and what happened. Also, has she always been an entitlement princess, or is this a change since she had the baby? Was she better at money management when she had a job? What kind of GNOs is she having?
Yes her behavior is completely unacceptable. Get the book if you don't already have it. She seems to value your contribution to the marriage in a twisted way, but doesn't fully understand the toll it takes on you. You are in charge. You make the money, you do almost all the work. It's on you to take charge of this woman or send her packing
From my sig line - "The man who gives his woman everything ends up with nothing. Not even the woman."
You're being too good to her. There is such a thing. Ask me know I know, and I'll add that it's the biggest regret of my life. Back off the beta - a lot, and start doing some alpha stuff for yourself.
I may as well say it now: stop being afraid of pissing her off. This was probably the single hardest lesson I had to learn. She'll get mad when you tell her no. So what? The world won't end, locusts won't invade your garden, Godzilla won't stomp on your house. She'll be mad at you for awhile, and eventually she'll stop.
And triage, before you post anything else.
"Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
Link to triage questions: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/
Yup. How can she respect you if you don't stand up to her bullshit? It's human nature to only respect what you value... she can't value you if you don't value yourself.
When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!
"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
She needs you to need her help. Make her valuable by needing her. And stop doing so much for her. Your job is to make money and do manly things. Her job is the house, teach her how to use a drill. Give her a job at home.
If you're afraid of a woman's emotions and reactions, she will never respect you. Don't let fear of how she will respond dictate your words and actions. You have to learn to take a firm stand and not be at her mercy and beck and call.
When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend til you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off... And you stand!
"Stand" by Rascal Flatts
Troll..?
Quite possible. Got that vibe early on.