Unsure if I'll be ordering the books, but had to sign up now!

TalktomeTalktome USASilver Member Posts: 54
edited July 2014 in Introduce Yourself

Thank you for allowing women to use the forum. My husband isn't the type to sign up on forums, and he's a busy guy so I don't think he'll read the books. I hope he will though! But I had to sign up on the forums, it looks like a great place to help me stay focused.
I'll answer triage questions. Keep in mind that these things happened before we got married, and we talked about it before deciding to marry each other. They aren't new things.


Question One – Basic Questions
Late 20s /Early 30s. We've been together roughly 9 years and married for 2 years. No children. 
I'm average height and could go down about a couple sizes. He's very tall, and could probably drop a couple sizes too. Hotness: I can't comment on myself since I'm not into women? I do know I'm his type. As for him, he's definitely hot in a alpha male kind of way, though that's not my type. I like short skinny guys. He's tall and muscular. 

Question Two – Rule Out Medical
I was severely ill and housebound for half a decade, but I'm much better after I found (ketogenic) Paleo! However, there's some irreparable damage.
I was doing great until we moved away from our cheap grocery store. Since then it's been difficult for me to afford eating the way I need to, and my fatigue is back. I/we also gained some weight from eating cheaper food. 
He had depression and anger from work stress, and no doubt from the stress of supporting me while I was sick. He started CBT therapy, and it's done wonders so far! 

Question Three – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues
I have permanent damage from when I was sick, and can't work full time. After I got better I started working online, but don't bring in much money. To work outside the home, I'd only be able to do part time, and I wouldn't be able to keep up with the housework.  Also, for health reasons I decided not to have biological children, which I'm sure would be a huge turn off for most men. 

Question Four – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect
- He feels alone being responsible for the bills and making sure we have a roof over our head. Since I'm healthier I'm working on it, but he knows I'll never make much money.  Money-wise things are much better now, but we need a new car, and we need to have more money left over after paying bills.  No debt, but not much savings either. However, there's a lot we could be doing to improve things. I'll be posting about it soon. 
- When I was sick he though it was laziness. He did support me financially but I wish I had his emotional support back then, as I was already ashamed of myself for being sick, and isolated myself from my family thinking that being sick made me a bad person. Because he didn't believe in me, I was even more convinced I was just no good, so I went too long without treatment. 
- Though communication has improved, it's still a huge struggle to understand how he's feeling, his thoughts on future short term and long term plans, worries, etc. When he does talk I'm always wondering if he's being honest or just saying what I want to hear. He says one thing one time, and then next year he says something completely different. It's mind-boggling. 
- Sex would have improved much sooner had he talked openly with me. 

Question Five – Rule Out Outside Sexual Sources
Porn was an issue in the past, and probably choosing masturbation over sex.  But he's made major milestones on this. No complaints. 

Question Six – When Did the Sex Go Bad?
Actually it was always bad but that's a long story I don't want to talk about yet. Sex got better after finding out what the problem was. Past issues were:
- Didn't seem to take me seriously when I said sex was painful. 
- Didn't seem to care about my likes and dislikes. 
- Neither of us could orgasm from sex (I could with previous partners, he couldn't)
Now we know what caused these issues.

The only recent issues I can think of are pretty understandable:  
1.  He's much busier with work lately, so it's no surprise he doesn't take the time to help me orgasm after he does. There is something he could do that would magically solve this, but alas, I can't make him. I wish he would do it. It would literally make us have sex everyday! 
2.  Since I can't afford to eat strict keto paleo diet anymore, my fatigue is back, so he needs to be on top or behind me. We're both okay with this, but other positions would be fun too. 
These two issues combined have resulted in less frequent sex, but it's not that we're avoiding it. If one of us initiates, we do it. Not that worried yet since I know we can fix it. 

As far as I'm aware, he does not and has never had any sex issues with me besides my fatigue, and that in the past, I'd push him away during sex when I was in pain ( duh...? )  

Question Eight – What’s the Elephant in the Room?
I already talked about all of them except one I'm not comfortable talking about yet. Even though it's something I almost considered not marrying him for, I made my decision. Even though he said he would work on it and he's not, it's not something I can make him do!

Question Nine – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?
Unsure how to answer this one, I don't really understand the question. 

Question Ten – Tell Us About the Good Times
We only really had a good year before the world turned upside down! I'm not sure how we made it. 
Most of the good times have happened recently: him opening up a bit more to me and getting therapy, me getting healthier, us figuring out the solution to our sex issues, and enjoying a few hobbies together again.


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Comments

  • MariaMaria EuropeCategory Moderator** Posts: 5,323

    Hello and welcome!

    I have a couple of questions: Your sickness goes back to the time before you got married, do I have that right? Would you share with us the kind of disease it was? Fatigue sounds more like a symptom.

    You wrote that you had only one year before the world turned upside down. What happened? Was this the time your disease broke out or are you talking about your undisclosed elephant here? I hope you find courage to talk about the elephant, otherwise our advice could very well be counterproductive. That's why we generally hesitate to draw conclusions and offer specific advice before we haven't got as many pieces of the puzzle as possible.

    The most important question is: What do you want from this forum?  And that's where the MAP book comes in - it's a roadmap towards self-improvement. I highly recommend ordering and reading it.

    What are the areas you want to work on? Your sex life (painful sex is horrible!), earning money, communication?


    _____________________________________________________________________________
    If you want us to be unapologetically feminine, be unapologetically masculine.
  • TalktomeTalktome USASilver Member Posts: 54

    Thanks for your comment. Yes, I got sick about a year / year and a half after we started dating? There were actually a lot of things that happened at once. Diabetes, thyroid, IBS, MS-like symptoms, nutritional deficiencies, vomiting... lost all my muscle, and a ton of bone density. Brain fog was so bad I couldn't remember my birth-date or phone number.  The list of symptoms is far too big to list. I became mostly house bound, I only went outside if I had someone to guide me and who would be there if something happened (fainting or falling, for example). 
    Fatigue is a symptom. It came back when we started buying non-Paleo food again.  

    I don't have any more pain during/after sex since we found out the problem (elephant in the room). 

    I'm still learning about MAP to see if it's something that we should try. I wonder if we're already past that, since  most of the sex stuff is pretty good now except for fatigue and that elephant in the room (it's something I can't force him to do). Also he's still very busy with work and other stuff so unfortunately this is something I'll mostly do on my own, for now. 
    The biggest stuff we need to work on now is communication, and making plans / setting goals together. Earning money, sure, though there's only so much you can do about that. Cutting expenses would be easier, I think. 

    I think being on this forum will be good to keep me accountable as I work on personal goals, keep track of satisfaction, and also share with and learn from others. Since my memory isn't too good I also want to write down things my husband asks of me. Should I make some sort of journal? 

     

  • TalktomeTalktome USASilver Member Posts: 54
    Zero medical budget (he has insurance, I don't). We've never had cable or local TV. I don't have a cell phone besides a free VOIP number. 
    Husband has an expensive cell phone and I'd like him to cut it with a cheaper plan since he hardly uses any minutes. Actually posting a thread about it now :D Nearly died before finding Paleo as I could barely hold food or water for months when I was at my worst, I don't want to get that bad again!

    I'm downloading the book samples for kindle to see what they'll be like. Which of the books has the MAP anyway? Mindful attraction, or Primer?  
  • TalktomeTalktome USASilver Member Posts: 54

    Thanks for the clarification about MAP @Sweet_Avenue‌! That makes me feel better about spending the money on it because I know it won't go to waste.


    Weight loss is easy, just need to eat Paleo again.  My "weight" is not weight, it's just bloating/swelling from consuming cheap food. If we go back to eating paleo, I'll easily drop those 2 dress sizes in a week because the bloating goes away. 
    There's no point for me to  lose weight the conventional way (reduce calories) as I'll get really sick from nutritional deficiencies and I really don't want to get any more permanent damage (like nerve damage) or have my hair fall by handfuls. 
    I already exercise quite a bit, which is saying a lot considering the fatigue I have. 

    I was excited to make money online so we'd have a bit more money to buy good food and vitamins, but I think (assumption) he's resentful for all the years he took care of me, so he wants me to pay rent every other month and bills (it's odd, because he always said he's happy so long as I'm doing housework + something I enjoy, like gardening or volunteering). I'm willing to do it though it's difficult to come up with the money from the online work I do, but I after that I have no money left over for healthy food or things like getting new glasses or thrift store clothes, and he gets upset if I ask for something. 
    As far as I'm aware (our finances are separate and I don't look at his bank statements) we're not struggling so much with money, he buys games once in a while, and gets take out every(?) weekend even though I leave cooked food for him. I can't fault him for doing that because we all have to enjoy life a little. I think he really just wants to make me earn my keep, though the gap between our incomes is enormous. Also after working from early morning to late at night to come up with the money I have no time or energy for house work, so then he's upset about that. 

  • TalktomeTalktome USASilver Member Posts: 54

    Uh, I kind of went on a rant there, sorry.

    I really want to help him save up for a new used car, I just like to have a plan and set goals. Years ago I suggested he switch to a prepaid phone because he doesn't really use many minutes of his $70 plan. He didn't want to do it. Last month I found out about an even cheaper plan (same network, can keep his phone). He doesn't want that either.
    It would make me so happy to work on a common goal and see us tracking the money we set aside on a spreadsheet every week, and coming up with ways to save more money, trying to out-do each other for the fun of it. Things like, move to a small apartment closer to his work to save on rent and gas, sure, it would be annoying to live in a small space but it would only be a temporary sacrifice.
    He even agreed to adopt my friend's cats when they couldn't bring them to where they were moving. Months after, I asked, "if we're struggling so much with money, why did you agree to adopt the cats?" He said "why did you ask me then?". . . I asked so I would know if we can afford it and if we want to take them or not. If we can't afford it or don't want to adopt, then I'd tell my fiend that I'm sorry but we can't. But at the time, he said "yes" right away, even though I told him we would probably need to pay a $100 pet deposit per cat... 

    It's just so difficult to understand him

  • TalktomeTalktome USASilver Member Posts: 54

    @MILF_in_training‌ ;Beef is not a splurge for me, it's a daily requirement (either beef or liver). That's why I'm having so much fatigue now. Vegetables are easy enough, it's the meat and fish that's expensive. (grass fed...? haha :p )

    @Sweet_Avenue, isn't that book for people who have debt and lots of silly expenses like fancy new gadgets and vacations? We don't have any debt, no credit cards either, just the bank's debit card. We also hardly have  any expenses we can cut down on besides basic living expenses, cats, and that expensive cell phone bill and occasional take out I mentioned. The take out seems reasonable enough as a nice treat here and there so I'd rather not bug him about it, but the cell phone bill... Honestly, from $800/yr to $150/yr? That's HUGE savings and he'd have enough money for the down payment in no time! Am I immature/clueless for thinking that way? 

    I'll check the book at the library for what it says on financial planning together, I want to, I just wouldn't know what to say or how to get him to cooperate. I know having a more reliable car would make him so happy.

    I did speak with him about money and food today and he suggested going to Sams club this weekend. Yay! His parents have a business account and renew our membership every year, but we keep forgetting we have the membership and we just go to the grocery store!  I wonder how we can remind ourselves to go to the sams club instead of the grocery store. When lived close to the commissary we were good about going once per month, but with the sams club, we keep forgetting. 

    I'm making a shopping list now and setting an alarm for saturday so we have no excuse that we "forgot". 

  • TalktomeTalktome USASilver Member Posts: 54
    edited July 2014
    Okay I think I finally understand the point of the books. The blog and kindle samples were extremely difficult to follow, until I read people talking about them on another forum.

    The mindful attraction book might be helpful to me. I'm happy and confident about myself, despite my past, and my current limitations. I'd be happy with myself too, if I were single. And I'd be happy with myself if I was with another man who knows me for the today me. 
    But since my husband was there all those years, supported me, and knows all my weaknesses and worst moments, it's like my old shadow is always there, preventing the new me from fully taking root. Around him I'm more child-like and meek than I truly am. Around him I start doubting my ability to ever be a worthy adult, and I feel a lot less confident and inferior. This is all because I subconsciously feel like I need to repent for the burden I was on his life, even though it was his choice to support me. 

    I thought I was done with feeling like a worthless human being for getting disabled so young. But with him, I'm always reminded that I'll never be as adult as he is or as hardworking as I used to be. And that's always hanging over us. This gives him too much power over me and I'm too guilty to push for what I need. 

    Though I don't even know what sort of goals I can set for myself to accomplish it, I hope the book will help me get over the guilt so he can notice the new me, and that I'm someone whose needs are worth working hard to meet. 

    Since his personality is more like the typical woman and mine is more like the typical man, I might actually give the MMSL alpha thing a try too. It should give me the guidance to be more firm and stop showing that guilty side of me.

    (Fixed mobile typos and formatting)
  • RicoRico ArribaSilver Member Posts: 1,284
    edited July 2014
    Talktome said:

    @Sweet_Avenue, isn't that book for people who have debt and lots of silly expenses like fancy new gadgets and vacations? 

    It is; it (Total Money Makeover) is also for people who are doing good financially and want to do better.

    Sweet_Avenue
  • Jen_KayJen_Kay Posts: 374

    Welcome to the forum, @talktome ;

    It sounds like you need to figure out your priorities, and have a short but sweet talk with your husband about them. (don't want to talk him to death, just communicate about what you need without guilt, accusations, etc. Don't be meek and child-like as you described above.) 

    Better food = better health = more energy for sex, making money, cleaning the house

    No matter what else you do, if you are eating things you are allergic to or can't process, the rest of your life can only improve so much.

    Also, I second (or third? Fourth?) the idea that we can only give you a certain amount of help if we don't know what that elephant is.

  • DaddyOhDaddyOh CTGold Men Posts: 1,589

    Agree on Ramsey. Great insight. Can't really stand his religion preaching though.

    I use Mint (there's a free version) for my budget. But to fully utilize the app you need to use cards. Which goes against Ramsey Preaching. 

    Nonetheless it's a great tool to see where your money is going. 

    "How vain it is to sit down and write when you have not stood up to live."
  • TalktomeTalktome USASilver Member Posts: 54

    You've all made me feel so welcome here, thanks so much. 
    I don't really think vacations are silly expenses if you can afford it, it's just that I know a lot of people who are always complaining about money, but take fancy vacations all the time (disney world?! island resort?!), while their kids eat cheap food with little nutrition.
    Affording small holidays/vacations in the future is something I hope we can work towards. It would be nice going to the beach or camping for a couple days. I bet it would do him good.  

    @MILF_in_training‌: Housework was really difficult when I was sick, but now it's good except for the constant dirty dishes in the sink. Working on it. I'd love a take a lot more on my plate (paperwork, shopping, etc), if only he'd let me. I'll bring it up this week.

    @Sweet_Avenue and others: I realized retirement might be tough given my situation, and years ago I came up with some off-beat ideas that need fleshing out, and the sooner we try it, the sooner we would know if it would be a good idea for retirement. I've been foolishly waiting for him to plan together. 
    Not anymore. I'm going to do this on my own, and if he doesn't want to join in, that's too bad. It's weird, because he's "the responsible one". I thought he would take more interest. 

    The budgeting websites look good. I'll poke around and see what they can do. Just a few days ago I was thinking it would be nice to have a website to help me save up for small goals (like splitting money into different piggy banks). But logging expenses (like you'd log food) sounds like a pretty smart idea.

    Elephant in the room coming up! 

  • TalktomeTalktome USASilver Member Posts: 54
    edited July 2014

    (Sorry about saying "the thing", I don't want to say "the thing", okay? :pensive: But I bet there's enough info here to get the idea)
    The reason I'm not comfortable talking about the elephant in the room is because it's about him, it's a really sensitive subject, and he is a really sensitive guy too I worry he might feel hurt if I talk about it here. If it were me I'd feel just the same! 
    In fact, it's something I should have also added to 'critical moments'. I also feel gross/disgusted with myself for even considering it, it just seems wrong to ask him to change for me (well, for us). Hopefully this is enough information to explain:

    Before we got married, we found this thing that fixed our bedroom problems, and he even had the first piv orgasm ever in his whole life. It was both amazing and heart breaking to see him enjoy sex for the first time in his life. Not just the orgasm, but the whole ride. Previously, we'd have sex for hours and neither of us would orgasm, or even get remotely  close, and the sex itself was as fun as doing the dishes. Thanks to this thing I also started having piv orgasms with him and enjoying sex again (I always had with previous partners but never with him).  

    He kept doing the thing, and we had a great time for almost a year. It's something that we talked about before getting married. I explained that while it might seem shallow (is it?), I needed to know whether it's something he would continue or not. He said yes.

    Ah, well... shortly after getting married, he stopped doing the thing. So now sex... while we do it often enough... it's just not enjoyable, and there's no orgasm for either of us. But I'm afraid to bring it up again because I don't want to hurt him. On the other hand, I don't want to be missing out for the rest of my life. 

    No, it's not porn or masturbation, though limiting those helps a bit. But now that I think about it... (ASSUMPTION) I think porn and masturbation may be a way for him to avoid doing the thing. Since he was only able to orgasm from masturbation his whole life, besides those few months he did the thing, you could say it's all he knows, so...  if he gets satisfaction from those, then he probably figures I'll just take care of myself, so what's the hurry, right?   :\


  • BC_hunterBC_hunter Bush Wackin'Silver Member Posts: 288
    edited July 2014

    Sorry your in this situation. Just wanted to chime in here that in the money section of the site made a thread with alink to the budget sheet my wife and I use that I modified to suit our needs. maybe it will benefit you also?

    Here is the link to the thread. http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/11219/budget-sheet-for-excel#latest

  • BrianCBrianC Oshawa, ONGold Men Posts: 3,138

    Hi, @Talktome‌, welcome to the forum.  I have a few questions that might help us out:

    What does your husband do? It sounds like you live a very minimalist life and still struggle financially?

    Has he actually expressed seriously a desire to have you pay half of the bills?  Is he serious?

    What is your emotional relationship with him like?  Do you feel loved?  Does he?

    This crowd is pretty open when it comes to talking about sex, there's no need to be embarrassed about that topic.  I deal a lot with guys with difficulty in maintaining erections, attaining orgasm, etc., I am happy to see if I can add some insight.  This place is pretty anonymous, and we work to keep it that way.

    Have you considered blogging, teaching courses, or otherwise offering dietary services to others suffering from similar health issues to yourself?  It might not be much of an income, but it would be a great start, or at least something that puts you in front of other people with similar struggles?

    What are your current health constraints on work?  Is there a time limit on white-collar office work?  How about travel?  Would a home office-based job be feasible for you?

    All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.

    Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project

    My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship

  • TalktomeTalktome USASilver Member Posts: 54
    edited July 2014

    Loooong post.

    @BC_hunter‌ it comes up as an .exe file not .xls? I'll look into it tomorrow. 

    @BrianC‌ the work he's done most of his life is blue collar, pays well. It's pretty much a guaranteed job but he resents doing it because it's his family's business and he thinks he shouldn't be doing something he was doing as a teenager. He's also in the military (reserves) and that keeps him pretty busy. The work he has now is white collar management. We just learned he's being laid off though, so he'll go back to working at his family's business. I wish I could do it instead of him, I like that kind of work. 

    Bills: actually it's not as bad as it sounds. We don't have many bills, and he didn't ask me to pay his cell phone or insurance. Just internet and electric (heat/water is included in the rent). It's the rent that's scary, for me it's 1 to 2 months of work, for him it's less than a week of work.

    Emotional relationship... very tough at first.  He saw talking as an argument/attack, and he'd bottle up and be on the defensive.  Just talking and learning about each other does not an argument make! But things have improved a lot. I feel loved now. Wish he would stop dragging his feet on planning things/goals together, but I understand he's busy and needs time for himself too. 

    Therapy has helped him open up with me more, and the fact I never gave up pushing him to open up (sounds mean but he needed it, I can tell he's happier now). Seems to me he feels loved, specially that I don't deny sex, even with all the sex trouble we've had. He doesn't care all that much for emotional/talking, but he's very affectionate and I always reciprocate. I prefer being vanilla in bed but that doesn't mean I'm strictly vanilla. I always try everything atleast once, and we do things that aren't vanilla. He really appreciates that I go out of my way.  I'm sure if I can help more with money he'll feel even more loved. 

    Work: I thought of doing dietary counseling and services, though I don't know how to go about it besides doing video consultations online. I worry I would need a dietitian license, which would require me to preach the government diet instead of paleo diet. I want to help people, not kill them :smiley: I also worry that people wouldn't take me seriously when they see how nervous my body is ( due to fast heart rate and difficulty breathing) and how I have difficulty speaking in more than short phrases. I had an idea of something easy(ish) I could do online for extra income, but I chickened out! I still plan to try it.

    I think the work I'm doing online is the most reliable thing so far (amazon mechanical turk). I still want to try working outside the house again though. I'm going to apply for things like grocery bagger, daycare cook, dishwasher. If anyone can think of other work like that please let me know :blush: 

    I really miss being a hard worker / workaholic.

    Work constraints: needs to be walking/biking distance. Fatigue, exhaustion, weakness. For example, I was working an easy job 5 hours in the mornings, and when I got home I literally fell asleep on the floor and wouldn't wake up until the next morning. So no housework, no eating my meals. If I work longer shifts, I can get exhaustion. My body gets stiff and shaky, my eyes glaze, and I get bad brain fog. Dangerous to walk/bike home alone when I'm like that and embarrassing to be around customers. 

    I have some permanent damage: can't do basic math anymore, so no handling money. Trouble with short term memory and attention (I do exercises to try and improve). But jobs like bagger and dishwasher would be okay.  

    @mrs_h eggs and bone stock are definitely paleo!  With beef/liver I need the cholesterol, choline, b vitamins, and zinc. Iron too, yes. I eat eggs, but need to be careful not to eat too many or I get revolted and start skipping meals.  Yes, diagnosed with autoimmune disease, and would probably be diagnosed with more if I could actually afford to have doctor appointments. But making sure I get all my nutrients and stay strict paleo helps me immensely. 


  • PersephonePersephone Northeast USSilver Member Posts: 565
    Talktome said:
     
    I thought I was done with feeling like a worthless human being for getting disabled so young. But with him, I'm always reminded that I'll never be as adult as he is or as hardworking as I used to be. And that's always hanging over us. This gives him too much power over me and I'm too guilty to push for what I need. 

     


    @talktome, I know how you feel. (((hugs))) My method of handling it was to up the bj's and good cooking, you know, making him feel like the big manly man to counterbalance my newfound 'traditional femininity' (not working, staying at home).

    Ymmv.

    Talktome
  • BC_hunterBC_hunter Bush Wackin'Silver Member Posts: 288
    edited July 2014

    @Talktome‌ ;Should be .xls here is direct link http://www.datafilehost.com/d/9d5b93ed

  • TalktomeTalktome USASilver Member Posts: 54

    Found an easy budgeting way to get started (Video) (Blog post) by Jordan Page.
    This is sooooo me. I agree with everything she says. It seems like something I'd come up with, but someone already did the work for me :wink:
    She splits the budget into 4 weeks. No borrowing from upcoming weeks, but you can borrow from that week’s extra budget to supplement your grocery budget if you need to. Any money leftover from each week goes into a bank account immediately, it doesn’t roll over to the next week. 

    Good stuff.

  • BrianCBrianC Oshawa, ONGold Men Posts: 3,138

    @Talktome‌ one of the best things you can do is model success.  Have a look at other people who are doing things that you would like to do and ask them what kind of licensing, credentials, etc., they needed to get into it.  Look at what you like about their programs / blogs / consultations, and make a note about what you would do differently.

    Whether you go that route or not, you have managed to overcome a major illness and food intolerance through diet.  That is not a skill to squander.

    Here are a few other ideas that you might consider that meet your "out of the house" criteria - personal shopper and meal planner, either for people in need of such a service, like the elderly, or for people who are trying to manage weight loss or health improvements.  You plan their meals, buy them the goods, package them up so all the ingredients for a meal and the recipe are in one place, etc., and deliver them to the client.

    Also, for the sort of work you describe, perhaps dog walker, pet groomer, florist...  is improving your fitness part of the criteria?

    All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.

    Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project

    My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship

    Talktome
  • TalktomeTalktome USASilver Member Posts: 54

    (By the way, I started a MAP here)

    Thanks @BrianC! Those are all things I've considered and it's good to hear that other people think they're good options. I thought  that no one would take me seriously and they'd roll their eyes and tell me to get a "real job". 

    Fitness: I like active jobs, but I don't think my fitness can improve any more for now (through exercise anyway). I've been walking 1 to 2 hrs per day at a fast pace + exercise (stationary bike, kettle bells) for 4 years, and it doesn't help me much... I could lift 30 or 40 lbs for hours, I'm physically strong enough. But because my heart and breathing are (always) too fast and odd, I get faint quickly (from lack of oxygen I think), and need to stop.  That's also why I do poorly with simple jobs like stacking shelves. I'm fit... but then my heart and lungs get in the way. 
    I thought blood pressure meds would help, but they made me so weak I couldn't even walk down the street! Strict paleo is really the only thing that helps.

    I do enjoy being active anyway, I want to get some dog walking gigs :) I need to stop feeling so unconfident/inferior and start posting on craigslist. 


    About the bjs and other stuff: I do it because I like it, not because I "owe him" for supporting me. I'd never be okay with that. 

    BrianCBC_hunterAngelineScarlet
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