BlueWolfs MAP - To become a Captain!

BlueWolf

A bit late but my monkeys for the week:

- Contact the support group for people in relation with sexual abuse victims. Have done that but never got any time for a meeting. Will check when I can go there for a meeting. Continue to support W in her struggle through this. We are waiting for Dr to eventually assign a psychologist. If he doesn´t we will find one ourselves.

-  Continue searching for a new car. Ours have a lot of issues so I have to be a step ahead before it causes to much trouble. Plan to continue the reno at home, gotta change floors in 2 more rooms upstairs and Clean out the storages yet again. Plan what to start with. Long term Project.  

- Lead at home, now that school has started and I work full time its more needed to get the family to function fully. W:s still home but need my leadership. Planning meals and activities for example and a trip to our cabin in the weekend.

try_red_pill

It's been a couple of weeks, how is it going?

Do you have any new monkeys for us?

BlueWolf

Sorry for my absence. Have been intense and stressful lately for several reasons. Easy to drop the weekly updates but thats not good, will try to avoid that in the future. Easy to let go step by step after that. Relation with W is still good though even if I need to ramp up attraction some.

I was in Italy for the weekend with my two oldest and best friends a few weeks ago. That was fun and needed. Lot of sightseeing and tons of good food and wine. We stayed in Rome. Love that city. A really fun thing was a guided food tour for 4 hours.

Before that I was involved in some drama at work. I mentioned earlier that we have this boss, middle managment, that is pretty much insane. Now I as a represntative for the union filed a report against him. It got sniffed out by the newspapers and some television channel so it got into the news. My name was mentioned. That was intresting. Some action was taken by our managment and he lost his role as boss over a department. After that he´s been on sick leave.... much drama but since he´s been a asshole to several women here I´ve been treated as a hero by people. Not all but especially the women.

W is still home on recommendation from her doctor. The process is extremly slow. On top of that we was hit by the flu. Everyone except me has been sick, so I feel like I´ve been just grinding at home to get everything running. Totally 3 weeks now....

Gonna do monkeys for next week, I´ll be back with some. 

BlueWolf

Report:

A bit late but my monkeys for the week:

- Contact the support group for people in relation with sexual abuse victims. Have done that but never got any time for a meeting. Will check when I can go there for a meeting. Continue to support W in her struggle through this. We are waiting for Dr to eventually assign a psychologist. If he doesn´t we will find one ourselves.

Still waiting for answer from dr. if W will get a psychologist through dr. office. If no we have to arrange that by ourselves. Support Group haven´t contacted me back even though I contacted them several times, not sure if they dont have any current activities. Will try another city if they dont get back.

-  Continue searching for a new car. Ours have a lot of issues so I have to be a step ahead before it causes to much trouble. Plan to continue the reno at home, gotta change floors in 2 more rooms upstairs and Clean out the storages yet again. Plan what to start with. Long term Project.  

Due to our current economical situation I have to patch up our old car for the time being.

- Lead at home, now that school has started and I work full time its more needed to get the family to function fully. W:s still home but need my leadership. Planning meals and activities for example and a trip to our cabin in the weekend.

Ok, but still much room for improvement. Been trying to just get thinhs to work for the time being and help our daughter to manage her homework and activities. Shes in her final year before applying for new education so her grades will matter more this year.  

BlueWolf

My monkeys for the week:

- Contact the support group for people in relation with sexual abuse victims. Have done that but never got any time for a meeting. Pursue this again.

- Review my map and make a plan for myself and W. Feel like a have to map for both of us now. The good thing is that she has come to a Point where she doesn´t resist me any more as she used to. She needs me and trusts me more now I guess. I have grown up and take responsibility like I didn´t used to, cant blame her for not letting go back then.

- Lead at home,  W:s still home but need my leadership. Planning meals and activities for example. Still flu at home, now our son has been home over a week. Inject positiv energy at home, I have been to grumpy at times because of fatique.

Concern, red flag: If anyone remember the hot pregnant coworker earlier in my thread? She´s back at work. I feel that it´s really good that me and W is much closer now. That is a protection, because my coworker could be a problem. A part of it is that I do like her presence a bit to much without wanting it to be that way. I have a weak spot there. And she seems to enjoy me as well and often come and seek me out. I try to keep away as much as possible now but it´s not that easy beacause there´s stuff that we have to do. I put it out here to be accountable and can report back to you guys. Hit me over the head if needed.

try_red_pill

Consider this quotation:

A student confided in Suzuki Roshi that she had tremendous feelings of love for him, and that it confused her.
"Don't worry," he said. "You can let yourself have all the feelings you have for your teacher. That's good. I have enough discipline for both of us."

BlueWolf

Report:

My monkeys for the week:

- Contact the support group for people in relation with sexual abuse victims. Have done that but never got any time for a meeting. Pursue this again.

This time my mail got answered. Our local group has not much activity but will get back to me when they get a new Group togheter. I also contacted the same organisation in a bigger town and they have a lot of options among them meetings on skype and som litterature they recommend. Will try that route first.  

- Review my map and make a plan for myself and W. Feel like a have to map for both of us now. The good thing is that she has come to a Point where she doesn´t resist me any more as she used to. She needs me and trusts me more now I guess. I have grown up and take responsibility like I didn´t used to, cant blame her for not letting go back then.

Got a rough draft of a 5 year plan for both of us, need more work. Reviewed my map and realised I have to update it, started that process. Tried to plant the seed with W that she has to take care of her health better and are making plans for helping her eith that as well. Reading through this map-thread for reference as well. I am awed by all the people that has contributed and helped me along the way, that is truly awesome. I hadn´t done it this far without that help and support. Some really good stuff there I still learn a a lot from. Some stuff I probably didn´t understand at the time but now I see the advice in a new light and can process it. Food for thought.

- Lead at home,  W:s still home but need my leadership. Planning meals and activities for example. Still flu at home, now our son has been home over a week. Inject positiv energy at home, I have been to grumpy at times because of fatique.

Son was back at school friday. Had to help him with missed homework... Could plan and execute a family shopping trip at saturday, the kids needed new jackets to use now when it´s fall. Got son out for a long walk at saturday night and W on sunday. Doing ok with positive energy but can get better.  

Concern, red flag: If anyone remember the hot pregnant coworker earlier in my thread? She´s back at work. I feel that it´s really good that me and W is much closer now. That is a protection, because my coworker could be a problem. A part of it is that I do like her presence a bit to much without wanting it to be that way. I have a weak spot there. And she seems to enjoy me as well and often come and seek me out. I try to keep away as much as possible now but it´s not that easy beacause there´s stuff that we have to do. I put it out here to be accountable and can report back to you guys. Hit me over the head if needed.

Doing a ok job of keeping my distance. Gotta be vigilant though. Focus on bettering my relation with W and pour my energy and attraction in there.

A thing I didn´t mention earlier: When I got back from Italy it was late at night, past midnight. Only W was awake, she had lightened candles all over in the house. She was warm & welcoming and wore a morning robe. In the living room there were flowers and chocolate for me and a really nice card. I of course had presents for her as well, a Gucci parfume and chocolate. She then put on a pair of high heels and dropped the robe.....she wore some really hot lingerie under. I bought it for her a long time ago and has daughted if I would ever see it on her. I was really happy about it. We had sex, sorry to say not the best sex. I believe she felt akward in the outfit but she tried her best. Afterwards she told me that she was happy that she had the courage to suprise me like that. I was really happy that she did that for me and tried to encourage her a lot for her effort.

BlueWolf

Monkeys:

Continue with the map and 5 year plan, involve W in the 5 year plan.

Continue to lead att home, give both kids mycket attention even if its online 10-15 minuter each. Create that positive attitude and energy at home . Start running with son again. Go for walks with w. Not sure what to to with dd, figure something out.

Be better dressed att home. Have been sliding backwards att this one. W is usually in some training clothes or just frumpy. Gotta lead by exemple, not follow hers.   

BlueWolf

Another concern the last months have been me wasting to much time on stupid games on the tablet.  Identified as a escape-behavior I have done a lot in the past. Especially under stressful times. It's a big red, that behavior leads to disconnecting,  laziness and such. Deleted the bad apps. Replacing that behavior with reading. Only to play longer sessions with my kids and some more innocent games by myself I can play for a few minutes on occasion. Putting a yellow label on this, handled but being watchful.

BlueWolf

Report on the monkey-spanking:

Continue with the map and 5 year plan, involve W in the 5 year plan.

Not quite there yet - W seem to be stalling all effort to plan to much. But it´s really up to me to deliver this in some way. Been several discussions about her health and that she have to take action or let me be more involved/push her in this area. Some resistance even if she realise she is in bad shape. Not finished with the map yet, read throug half of my own thread though.

Continue to lead att home, give both kids attention even if its only 10-15 minuter each. Create that positive attitude and energy at home . Start running with son again. Go for walks with w. Not sure what to to with dd, figure something out.

A challenge but I do read with son and run with him a couple of nights usually, only one time this week though. DD and I had a good talk about her choosing what to study next year, felt like a thing we bonded through.

Be better dressed att home. Have been sliding backwards att this one. W is usually in some training clothes or just frumpy. Gotta lead by exemple, not follow hers.   

Much better, gotta update wardrobe soon though. W also was better dressed this week.

Been a little sad this week. Winter is coming so that is to be expected to a degree. W still in bad shape also starts to tank my attraction a bit. That she wont do much dont help either. Gotta find some ways to improve my own energy.

Deleted a couple more apps from my tablet, I grab for anything remotly dopamine-inducing right now. Cut down on coffe to, just 2 cups/day - max 3.

BlueWolf

When I feel overwhelmed I see a pattern, I keep away from here. Don´t reach out, just grit my teeth and grind on. Bad behaviour, will try to break that habit. Back now.

Been improving som small things. I´m better dressed at home, been leading more. Found a good enough car so we are in the process of replacing the old. It´s a compromise. A good second hand car I will be buying from some people in church. Cant afford something expensive now due to W being home and sick still, but W was happy with the decision. She worries about our economy, but i think we will do fine in the long run even if it we have to hold on tighter to our money for a while. Kids was off to see their cousins for a few days, took W out to dinner & movie. Went swimming togheter the day after that, trying to inspire her to get up and do stuff.    

Cutting down on coffe and are in the process of adressing my snoring that has become a problem. I´m waking up W at nights now when her sleep is worse. Going to see a doctor about it. Also reached out to the support group again, they are sending me some books and material that could help us. Start there, adding visiting some group later.

Monkeys this week:

Book appointment with dr. about the snoring. ( Also book appointment for DD. Want to check birt-mark )

Mail accountability-partner, I´ve been suffering from outreach-anorexia...

Lead and plan, lot of stuff going to happen. Birthdays to plan, buying presents, how were going to spend christmas and so on. First year were not seeing a big part of W:s family at all. Just one of her brothers and his family, the good guy.   

Inspiration: Keep listening to good podcasts and read good books. Recently listened to some great podcasts among them Tony Robbins, The MFCEO-project and great pods on strenght training.

BlueWolf

rep:

Book appointment with dr. about the snoring. ( Also book appointment with dr regarding dd:s birthmark. ) 

not completed, going to call dentist for a start instead. To ev. get one of those things you put in your mouth during night to prevent snoring.  W stepped up and made the call for DD. That was good.

Mail accountability-partner, I´ve been suffering from outreach-anorexia...

mailed today.  Sometimes i want things to be so good and well done I dont do them at all. Some stuff is better do just do, believe its good enough. 

Lead and plan, lot of stuff going to happen. Birthdays to plan, buying presents, how were going to spend christmas and so on. First year were not seeing a big part of W:s family at all. Just one of her brothers and his family, the good guy.   

in the process,  good communication with DW about this. Some of it is planned other is on its way.

Inspiration: Keep listening to good podcasts and read good books. Recently listened to some great podcasts among them Tony Robbins, The MFCEO-project and great pods on strenght training.

BlueWolf

Report:

Book appointment with dr. about the snoring. ( Also book appointment for DD. Want to check birt-mark )

Done, had to go through Dr:s office after all. Got a time in beginning of december.

Mail accountability-partner, I´ve been suffering from outreach-anorexia...

Working on this, mailed once. Went to a meeting with the support group also, W joined me. Tell more about that later.

Lead and plan, lot of stuff going to happen. Birthdays to plan, buying presents, how were going to spend christmas and so on. First year were not seeing a big part of W:s family at all. Just one of her brothers and his family, the good guy.   

Work in progress but have got a lot of it done.

Inspiration: Keep listening to good podcasts and read good books. Recently listened to some great podcasts among them Tony Robbins, The MFCEO-project and great pods on strenght training.

The reading dont work very well, podcast works great though. Lot of training-related pods lately.

BlueWolf

I love @MrsJon and her awesome map-thread. Just positive and inspirational stuff there. Got inspired so I will copy some of her approach.

Wins recently:

Lifted a PR deadlift with 441 lbs last week. Was a goal for 2017, so that was great. Also doing some intermittent fasting for better health and overall weel being. Feels great so far.

W followed to that meeting with the support group for sexual abuse victims. Was intense and powerful to meet others in her situation. Lot of feelings and it will be good for us long term I hope.

Followed W to the first meeting with a psycologist through dr:s office to see if we can get help through them. It was a cold, distand fucking idiot. I´m so happy that I could be there, told him really firm that I didn´t agree with his judgement to just medicine W to get back to work. After some waffling back and forth he gave her a appointment with the trauma therapists. Another interview with them in I dont now how long to see if she is qualified to get treatment through them. But that was much better than his plan. W was really thankful for me standing up for her. I just wanted to punch the man in the face to be honest but I behaved.

Thankful for:

The kids, they´re so good and do well in school.

That me and W is on the same team in all this.

Enjoying season 6 of Game Of Thrones with W.

BlueWolf

Fell off the horse.... fell for porn. Map came to a grinding halt. Can analyze this but it will all come down to this, get back up in the saddle. 

- Commit to no porn thread daily this week. 
- Focus on training properly again this week, set new goals and write down new training schedule. 
- Help W with her pc, setup skype among other things. In addition to everything else she has hurt her knee. 

Lead and plan for christmas will be there also of course.

Conrad

Wolf,

Do you find it difficult to forgive yourself when you stumble?

Conrad

BlueWolf

Last post here in this forum thread anyway. I have come far but not far enough. My map goals early on was to get back a sex life and get w into therapy. Now 2,5 years down the road we have a sex life and just recently w started to see a therapist. Gotta celebrate that but there is still a long way to go, gotta be honest here. Our sex life is still problematic and not so fulfilling,  been a few real highpoints but much dutysex and times when w dissassiocate and disconnect also. I got to keep my map going to see this through.  I believe there could be a pot of gold att the end of this rainbow,  ( if you heard the saying. )  I have some challenges to master. Gotta learn to get more structured and organised to advance in my map. Or at least more often attack those parts of the map I am week at. On the brink of sucess that I may be temptations is lining up, its like it is from a moviescript. Gotta navigate through that in a good way. W got a long way to go and need a lot of support, her mental health, her physical health, need to loss weight and find another career. Lots to work on, gotta find a balance in support and cheering her on to do the work for herself also. I hope to find some support in the new forum but also need people in real life to be in my network. I need to grow up as well and keep my map going on my own. Do the work.

Cheers and thanks to all that shared my pain and joy in here, blessing to you.

Conrad

You're a very patient and caring man.  That's worth plenty.

BlueWolf

@Conrad so much for last post.... not as hard as I used to. The decline of my evangelical approach to God and life has softened my attitude some. If that makes sense?

Conrad

Wolf,

As we detach our emotional investment from the choices we must make (in other words, growing up to the point where you realize you can't own the emotional responses of other people), you can get to the point where you feel a bit sociopathic.  Ayn Rand writes about "perfect detachment" in Atlas Shrugged.  You view the world around you with understanding and you stop sweating the things you can't change.

One of the keys for me was to recognize that the stuff I hated most in my spouse was stuff that I also DID.  Blameshifting mostly.  But, there was more.

How in the world can I not forgive the one I love from sins that I also commit?

Very humbling... but also liberating.

It's about setting yourself free.