Skorz

SkorzSkorz USAMember Posts: 6

Hello! Per Jen's request, I am going to answer the core triage questions (TL;DR - I don't think we're 911 yet, and this is a wall of text!):

1. Basics

  • Me: 48 year old male
  • SO: 37 year old female
  • Relationship: Married "lucky" 13 years
  • Kids: Son age 10, and I have a daughter age 17 from my first marriage
  • Hotness: Me, never thought about it, but have almost always been with good looking ladies. Her, maybe a 7 or 8. I'm just over six feet tall, she's 5' 6" tall. I weigh about 160 and she weighs about 120. We're runners, not lifters!  ;-)

2. Medical

  • Both: Don't drink, don't smoke, no drugs, no coffee/tea, reduced gluten/sugar/soy diet, occasional exercise, mostly running or moderate cardio
  • Me: Herniated disks in lower back now also turning into some neck problems as spine compensates, occasional ED worsening with age and length of marriage, history of high cholesterol and high blood pressure (both currently absent)
  • Her: Hypochondriac focused on natural remedies ("has" food intolerances and allergies that never seem to show up on tests), previous post-partum depression, hospitalized for major depression and anxiety, third-party diagnosis of BPD (personality disorder - IMO she's closer to NPD or PAPD). Has been off of all therapy and medication for almost two years now. Taking birth control and numerous herbal supplements. Once tried hormone creams - only thing that I have ever seen actually increase her libido - but she decided they didn't have any effect and stopped after a month of the most sex we've had in the past 11 years. No problem reaching orgasm during sex, but frequent lack of lubrication, and more frequently zero interest or starfishing, if anything at all.

3. Structure

  • Both: We're both slim and although not 100% fit (we're not winning any bodybuilding contests), we are athletic.
  • Me: I have an excellent job, making well into six figures. We own two homes in good neighborhoods in different states, looking at buying acreage as well, and a couple of cars (no payments). We have no debt except mortgages (pay of cards every month, keep nearly $100k in liquid assets, plus retirement etc.). Aside from the medical issues mentioned above, no significant ailments.
  • Her: She hasn't worked since she got laid off in 2007. Although she started out doing great at home, she's slacked off quite a bit around the house after the first few months. She has a small 401k of her own from previous work but has not contributed to anything since then (although all of the property would become hers in a divorce, I know...). She has some minor deficiencies (heavy acne and scarring, stringy hair, tiny AA boobs) but still very attractive. Her emotional/personality/psychological problems, however, are a major concern.

4. Critical Moments

  • Crap, there are a lot of questions!
  • Me: I do travel quite a bit (I'm retired from the Army and now travel about 20% of the time for my job) and I do play some videogames, but not that much (I work for a game company). No long hours, drugs, porn, abuse, cheating, or any major stupid things I have done that I know of.
  • Her: During her post-partum depression (2004), she threatened to kill herself, me, and our son. She threatened him with being hit once during that time, but did not hit him as far as I know. I brought her to the emergency psych ward when she was suicidal in 2008 (yes, I do kind of wish I hadn't at this point...). She had an emotional affair (could have been physical too, no way for me to know) while I was in Iraq in 2006. Her long-term ignoring seems to only focus on our relationship (physically there, but not emotionally/sexually involved).

5. Outside Sources

  • I haven't found anything that would indicate an outside sexual source in her phone usage or online. AFAIK she doesn't even masturbate.

6. Going Bad
  • As soon as our son was born. This seemed reasonable at the time, but has never been good since then. Before that she was good for 3-5 times a week, since then we've had YEARS of 0-1 time per week with occasional months off, and we're finally back up to 1-2 times per week, with occasional weeks off. And the sex itself isn't getting any better.

7. Starting Sex

  • Sex quantity was much higher (sometimes 2-3x per day) but quality grew for several years as we declined into the steady 3-5 per week. Post-partum, quality and quantity have suffered greatly.

8. Elephant

  • Me: No idea - I'll keep looking for trash
  • Her: Psychological issues, emotional affair

9. Leadership

  • It alternates. She's controlling, demanding, and manipulative, but not really a leader. I'm definitely not a First Officer. I try to avoid lighting her fuse, and when I make decisions she doesn't like she responds by withholding and reducing her housework. It's hard to lead someone who is practically oppositionally defiant.

10. Good Times

  • Our marriage was great the first 2-3 years, before our son was born. That was about it. Not sure how I've stuck it out since then except that I have seen firsthand how badly my first divorce has hurt my daughter, and how unreasonably prejudiced the so-called "family" court system is in its discrimination against men.  

Thanks in advance for your suggestions, criticisms, witticisms, and flames...  :-)

Skorz

Angeline

Comments

  • TemplarTemplar WashingtonSilver Member Posts: 3,371

    Welcome! Sorry you are having the problems you are, but I hope we can all help. One quick note - if that is you in the picture you should change it. Anonymity is a good thing for something as public as this.

    A couple questions:

    Iraq: tell us more about the EA.

    What was her attitude towards the deployment before deployment? During it? Afterward? How did she act when you came back?

    What does she SEEM to think of your travel for work? Do you talk to her daily when traveling? Does she talk about it in a negative fashion, at all?

  • SkorzSkorz USAMember Posts: 6

    Thanks, yeah... security is a good thing, heh.

    The EA was with a guy at work (also married, recently had twins, and also Middle Eastern, not sure if that was just to piss me off). Caught her at it, she admitted it, I asked around (we worked at the same place!) and others had seen them together, etc. My post-deployment counselor said she'd probably gotten physical, but she never admitted it. Our (first of many after that time) marriage counselor said her excuses were ridiculous but didn't pursue that hard, probably because it seemed like it could be a can of worms. She stopped talking to him and hanging around with him (I can verify since I went back to work there), cried over losing this "friend", then a year later she got laid off and we moved so they definitely couldn't still be a thing.

    She's also a veteran (6 years in the Army Reserve, which is where we met) - as an interrogator. She never saw combat though. I'm a lifer (retired now, half active duty and half reserve time) so she kind of expected me to get deployed, at least once (believe me, once was plenty!). Her attitude seemed positive both that deployment was part of the life we chose and that we'd be apart (which to her was a good thing). After deployment, she was angry and jealous and unwelcoming, so not much different than when I left. 

    I do talk to her daily when traveling. I've even brought her along on a couple of trips to Europe and in the US. She doesn't actually complain much about my traveling (in general she complains a lot and is very negative about everything), although she does chide me when I miss a soccer game or something and always has a long honey-do list for me when I get home (wish it were a honey do me list instead!).

    Angeline
  • SkorzSkorz USAMember Posts: 6

    Any other good advice? Like is there a particular subforum or thread that would be the most useful for me? I'm still trying to figure out what MAP is, LOL!

  • OneEyedDrunkOneEyedDrunk Out West Silver Member Posts: 1,808

    Check out the Primer. Lots of useful information. 

    oneeyeddrunk.weebly.com
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300

    Read the book. Find out more about the EA. Did it go PA and for how long. Does she want out of the marriage? What are your future plans ? 

    Welcome to the forum. It's a long road back so be ready.  

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

    Templar
  • SkorzSkorz USAMember Posts: 6

    Ordering the book. :smile: 

    EA was way back in 2006 and we've moved states twice since then. I'm fine with letting it lie. If I ever find out it went PA, we're done. She says she wants to stay married, she just doesn't act like it. My plans include hanging in when I have to and pushing forward as much as I can to make my life better.

  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300

    The EA was eight years ago. May be very tough to find out if a PA existed. It doesn't sound like your over this part at all. ? 

    Have you both done MC and or IC? She has some barriers up for sure. God still having sex 1-2 times a week. That's not to bad really. It sounds like you need to be more alpha and a leader?  I'm the same. I'm doing that now and it's helping my marriage  a lot.  

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

  • SkorzSkorz USAMember Posts: 6

    I mentioned it because it was a critical moment - but everyone seems to be focused on asking me about that that one event, so I've gone into more detail. It's a sore point, but not what I am concerned with. I am thinking only about the future, not the past.

    Yes, we have done MC together with several counselors between 2004 and 2010. We've also both done IC, her off and on between 2004 and 2009, and me post-deployment (2006-2008). 1-2 times a week (our current rate) has been a slow progress over the past 10 years up from an average of .5 times a week or less for years on end. I started pushing harder this week and it's worked well. She even went out of her way to tell me she likes it when I'm more aggressively pursuing her sexually like that (which is weird, because she's very "hands off" most of the time). I am (finally!) learning that what women say they want and what they really want are two different things. Guess I should have got that a long time ago...

  • ConradConrad MidwestSilver Member Posts: 810

    Skorz,

    Watch what they do - not what they say.

    It's like riding a motorcycle.. entirely counterintuitive.

    Glad you're here.   This is a good start.

  • ConradConrad MidwestSilver Member Posts: 810

    @Skorz‌ ;

    Why do you wish you had not brought her to the psych ward?

    Has she pulled anything like that since?

  • TemplarTemplar WashingtonSilver Member Posts: 3,371

    Read both the MAP and the Primer. Both will work. Start with the MAP book - Mindful Attraction Plan. It is a road map to becoming the best that you have within you, with an aim towards making you more attractive to your spouse. MANY couples suffer from a lack of attraction. Though a wife may protest that they are attracted to their spouse, if they are not having sex, the odds are very high that there is a lack of attraction. Watch the actions not the words.

    Skorz
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300

    Attraction is the key. I didn't realize my wife had lost her attraction until I stepped back and looked at the whole situation. Then losing my Oneitis as well. After that it was clear for me. 

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

  • BrianCBrianC Oshawa, ONGold Men Posts: 3,138

    Welcome to the forum.  The others here are right insofar as building up your attractiveness can definitely help you out here.  It is often a little more complex than upgrading your wardrobe, working out, and taking charge of the family finances, but not excessively so.

    Often this process has to be tailored to your specific attractive qualities.  What did your wife find attractive about you at first?  What did you give up doing when you had kids?  What did you do when you were first going out that you don't do anymore?

    I will say that in your case you have a wife who is very selfish and lives in a victim mentality.  And that means that before attraction works, she needs to be clear on what is and is not acceptable to you on a daily basis.  Shoring up and enforcing your boundaries - especially when she fitness tests you - is going to be absolutely critical.  You are going to need to call her on her bullshit whenever she starts using her feelings to blackmail you emotionally.  You are also going to have to set some expectations and consequences with her and hold her to them.

    She needs you to be a rock, someone who doesn't tolerate her bullshit and chaotic behaviour; she needs something firm to form herself around and fit herself to.  When dealing with highly anxious, depressive, or mood-disordered people,  it is important to remind yourself that they are going to learn stability by looking at and relying upon those closest to them.

    All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.

    Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project

    My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship

    Templar_iofordsvtSkorz
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