More sex aggression

maxx138maxx138 San AntonioMember Posts: 170

So last night after round one of sex we are resting and my wife asks me if it's ok if she tells me something. I say it is. She says she would like me to be more aggressive with her during sex, her word was Stern. We take on a Daddy/Babygirl relationship during sex and I get more aggressive during that by default. 

The only thing that happened during round one that I feel triggered this was I had given her a toy to use that I knew wouldn't bring her all the way to orgasm. After 5 minutes or so she asks if she can use her plug in toy. Which is code for her Hitachi Wand. She asked me please, so I let her have it. I am guessing that she wanted me to make her use whatever I wanted to, ie make her keep using the other toy until I wanted her to use another. Also I'm sure I could step up my alpha talk while making her cum. She always likes it when I talk dirty to her. 

As some of you may have read in my other posts I was physically abused by my sister and psychologically abused by my step mom. So it's always been hard for me to be aggressive with women due to the PTSD from that. I admit I feel a little anxiety related to that in planning our next adventure. 

 I made her kneel before me once with a blindfold on and I teased her mouth with my cock. But this ended up being too much for her and she got scared and started crying. So...that was too far.

 So does anyone have any advice on how to be more stern without being scary aggressive (which I can sometimes get)?

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Comments

  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432
    Stern is an interesting choice of words. She has an emotional relationship with that word so understanding what that word means to her will help you understand what she wants. I'm inclined to believe she is talking about you using words as a "stern voice of authority". In general women have a different emotional relationship to words than men do. Its a dominance thing.

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

    maxx138
  • maxx138maxx138 San AntonioMember Posts: 170

    Definitely loves to be dominated. She told me about a boyfriend that tied her arms to the headboard with scrunchys and she got really turned on by that. I was inexperienced with this at first. She said my voice would change like I was a different person. I need to walk that line between arousing and scary. 

    @KatherineKelly‌ ;  Agree with you though. I think it's more of a verbal domination than anything. We have handcuffs, blindfolds and a few different spanking devices. So I definitely have the physical part covered. 

    Thanks for your response

  • UMPUMP EarthMember Posts: 403
    edited July 2014

    Just speak like this guy:

    maxx138[Deleted User]
  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432

    Scary can be fun but the experience of humiliation may have been the reason for the tears.

    A man's penis is a very powerful symbol for a woman and with this power is the potential to strip away her humanity based on how the man uses it.

    Dominance is erotic. That feeling of being handled and powerless but yet powerful.

    The relationship a woman has with herself decides how she responds to dominance.

    A strong self assured woman with a solid identity will respond differently to dominance than a woman who is less self assured. 

    I'm not aroused by someone trying to dominate me because I see through the attempt and it makes me laugh but I will willingly and erotically submit when I experience true attraction as the  essence of his masculine power. Every woman knows this feeling at some point in her life when she encounters a man like this.

    It is what he "is" that shapes what he "does" instead of him consciously "doing dominance" with intent, which comes across as fake.

    I think this is where part of your problem may be. You do not feel your own masculine power but you are trying to act powerful so it is an act without substance which results in less or no attraction. Your animal emotion is missing.

    If you have ever felt the power of your body, that is where you want to go to and come out of and from. The more you are disconnected from your own body the more you are disconnected from the woman you are trying to be sexual with.

    If you do not feel the physical power of your own body than she will not be able to either.

    The problem for men is that for most they are disconnected from their emotions and you need these emotions to have a relationship with your own body "as powerful" because this "is emotion"

    The body and emotion are the same thing, so the more you are separated from emotions the more you are separated from your body which than separates you from sex.

    Here is a link you may find helpful that explains the problem men have with emotions and why.

    http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/02/why-men-withdraw-emotionally/

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

    maxx138Talktome
  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432
    edited July 2014
    @ANewHope I would never laugh at someone as an act of cruelty or contempt but more like a teasing type of saying " Oh you think you are so bad" I push back against a man's dominance to test him to see if it is real so that I know if "he is real or not". I have no choice but to do this to protect my own attraction to him or find a man that is "real" so that I can be and stay attracted to him. Women more than men live in a world built out of lies so when it is important we need to know what is real or not, what is a lie or not.

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

    [Deleted User]
  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432
    edited July 2014
    @ANewHope If you are going to use dirty talk it has to be authentic. The words should come out of your lust much like how Christians talk in tougues because of the rapturous feeling they have for God. The reason you feel ridiculous is because the words are not part of "you" as your "lust/desire and she "feels it" when you use the words "so does not react" as you want and possibly as you fear she will. A womans feelings are linked to the words she hears, much like her brain is a type of "lie detector" that she "feels" so she "feels her way to truth" by what her body "does" because of the "words". A woman uses her body as "emotions" to "feel her way through life". Men rarely do this because they rely mainly on intellect resulting in a disconnect between men and women, particularly sexually. Until a man gets out of is head and back into his body he will not be able to connect to a womans sexuality. You have to lose the intellect and find the animal which is difficult for you because you are highly intelligent and use this intelligence to navigate through life. For men "emtions" are potentially dangerous because they expose a man to "attack" in his "perceived vulnerability" from no longer being able to "think himself out of the situation"

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

    [Deleted User]maxx138
  • maxx138maxx138 San AntonioMember Posts: 170
    edited July 2014

    @KatherineKelly‌ thank you so much, your responses have been so helpful

    It's very true about making your sex talk authentic. I have my W her first PIV orgasm with the help of super sexy love talk

  • Captain_HammerCaptain_Hammer Gold Men Posts: 462

    @maxx138‌ I have been experimenting with this, and the dominant language is working, not getting any pushback, and got the best BJ of my life, but anything physical and she freaks/shuts down. 

    Mrs Hammer never really seems to get turned on/let's go. She is always very controlled and aware of herself. If I push her head down, trap her arms or hands , or manhandle her in any way she instantly is out of the moment and pissy. 

    This means I never really let go, I'm always censoring what I do to make sure I don't trigger this. I feel this makes me seem hesitant, hard to project Alpha when you are being so self-conscious

    @Katt‌ @KatherineKelly‌ ;Any ideas how to get over this hurdle from an FO point of view?

    [Deleted User]Sisyphus
  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432
    @Captain_Hammer The most important thing you can give a woman is not that you want sex but that you want sex with her. Once a woman thinks it is only sex and not her than she feels used. Another problem is that most woman are sexually conflicted because their body wants dominance but their brain does not as all those messages they have received saying that to be dominated by a man makes them weak and not equal so "less than a man" A womans self image is strongly influenced by how she allows a man to treat her and this affects sex.

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

    maxx138Winter
  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432
    edited July 2014
    @Captain_Hammer Women want to be wanted by the man they want but they must know that it is reciprocal in that they are wanted as individuals expressed sexually just as it is for them with the man they are being sexual with.

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432
    edited July 2014
    @Captain_Hammer men and women come at sex from opposite directions where a man chooses a woman for sex "as love" but a woman chooses a man for love, who she shares her body with through sex because of love (attraction)

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432
    @Captain_Hammer Orgasmic sex makes a woman vulnerable because it is very difficult not to fall in love as that pull toward a man who you are experiencing sexual pleasure with so there is a tendency to control sex to protect her heart in the absence of trust.

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432
    @Captain_Hammer This pull toward the man becomes very threatening if she feels like she is being used sexually as an object instead of loved for herself. Basically she feels like it could be any woman under him when he is fucking her.

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

    Winter
  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432
    edited July 2014
    @Captain_Hammer Your wife resists dominance because she does not trust you enough to experience her sexuality so is protecting her self esteem as not wanting to feel inferior to you. She does not understand her true powers as a woman (individual) related to men so cannot cultivate her powers as a sexual woman in relation to men so cannot allow herself to fall into the desire to be "taken" and response of being "taken" which men experience as dominance.

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432
    @Captain_Hammer In my opinion your wife sees you as a threat to her self esteeem because she does not trust your love for her "because of sex"

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432
    edited July 2014
    @Captain_Hammer A woman has a completely different understanding of dominance and submission than a man does unless she as been taught to think about dominance like a man does through feminisms message that men are bad as "dominance" so she is reacting to this message which puts her in conflict with her own body as her sexuality.

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

  • Captain_HammerCaptain_Hammer Gold Men Posts: 462

    Awesome response @KatherineKelly‌! Lots to reflect on here!

  • maxx138maxx138 San AntonioMember Posts: 170
    @Captain_Hammer This pull toward the man becomes very threatening if she feels like she is being used sexually as an object instead of loved for herself. Basically she feels like it could be any woman under him when he is fucking her.

    It definitely puts my W over the edge when I tell her that she's my only girl. If there's an orgasm in its way it arrives after I tell her this

    [Deleted User]
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