Zot's Intro and Triage. Possible EA on Wife's Part

Angeline

Why are you still there? Wasn't your job a red that needed to go away over a year ago?

Zot

Angeline said:

Why are you still there? Wasn't your job a red that needed to go away over a year ago?

No. My job has been pretty good, aside from not getting the full-time help I've needed to run my department. 

Zot

I had a date night with my wife for the first time in over a month. I think we both had a good time. There was a different kind of vibe that's difficult to explain. 

My wife had alcohol for the first time in over a month. She handled it fine. 

After dinner, we went to a bar where she shared some about her latest sessions with our therapist (she's been seeing him exclusively for several months now). She said when she was in elementary school, she was undersized to the point they almost had to inject hormones to get her to grow. This boy down the street used to pick on her, called her "midget" all the time. This, in addition to her sisters bullying her and the abusive boyfriend in high school, are why she equates size with security.

She's now thinking that her obesity is related to this. She's always seen herself as the protector in any situation.  Being bigger enables her to do this.

i listened to her talk most of the time at the bar. I said one thing that appeared to resonate with her as she didn't push back or question my motives for saying it. I said "if in a relationship, the man is supposed to be 100% man and the woman 100% woman, what happens when the woman takes on 20% more?". I went on to explain that she's a nervous wreck when trying to be the protector in the family.  I'm referring mostly to matters regarding our sons and how much responsibility we should allow them to have, etc. I was careful to not come across as whiny or insecure. She said she never thought of it that way. 

We got home and put the boys to bed. She was sitting on the couch drinking a glass of wine. I told her I was ready for bed then kissed her. She said the same, but stayed on the couch where she eventually fell asleep. 

I'm somewhat disappointed as I had hoped sex was on the table. I'm just not as interested lately. And neither is she. I think her weight is the primary factor. Our frequency has dropped off during May and June but not to a drought level. The quality is as boring as ever. 

We are about to go on vacation for two weeks. Hopefully we can relax and break out of this funk. 

DaddyOh

From personal experience, do not wait til the vacation to get out of the funk.

I tell people that best time to start a New Years weight loss resolution is in October. That way you already stated the process and already had one major holiday (Thanksgiving) under your belt.

Create a little momentum before the trip. 

Zot

My wife also mentioned two things she'd like to do: get her certification to be a trainer at the gym and get her masters in a worthless subject.

She's brought these up before. The masters has been discussed earlier in my thread.  I said the personal trainer certification sounded interesting as she could make the money back teaching a spin class or kickboxing.

I don't know why she is so hell bent on the masters. She knows where I stand.  I've pointed out how we don't have time for our own family without us pursuing advanced degrees.  This masters would put us in the hole at least $30k and would not help her with job security or promotion one bit.  

I think a lot of this is coming from her going to the gym with a woman who is getting her masters in the same subject. This woman is horrible at her job and thinks getting a masters is going to improve her qualification. It won't. It's totally unrelated to the work we do. Also, she is much younger than my wife, is single, and has no kids. 

My wife is acting like she isn't satisfied with what she has. We lead very busy lives and have careers that are constantly throwing us curveballs. It's a very rewarding career. She seems fulfilled with her job and our family life but then, when she has downtime, expresses interest in these dreams. I don't think it's bad to dream, but I wish she could dream more about our family's future and not just her own. I don't know how to lead her on this. 

WheelMan

The majority of "personal trainers" aren't paid staff but receive a free monthly gym membership in exchange for teaching a few classes per month. Depending on the cert cost and gym fees, it might have a decent payback, assuming there's room in her day to teach classes on the gym manager's schedule (not hers), and she can draw enough students to make quota every week.

The only trainers actually getting paid are working 1:1 with clients, and have multiple certifications along with multiple years experience. If you factor in all the non-billable hours, I'd bet they barely make a living wage. It's a decent job for someone who would be at the gym all day anyway, but not something you'd do if you have another career.

soa2005

Not to be an asshole but how is she going to become a personal trainer if she is obese? 

Zot

soa2005 said:

Not to be an asshole but how is she going to become a personal trainer if she is obese? 

Good question. Despite her weight, she keeps up with the tempo in spin class. Also, if she wanted to, she could build muscle really fast. She worked with a personal trainer years ago and he was surprised at how much muscle she could put on. He encouraged her to pursue bodybuilding. She went along with it until her mom pointed out she was becoming a man. 

So it's either she looks like a muscular man or a woman with some fat rolls. She now believes her obesity is mental now, not thyroid-related or genetic. 

Meanwhile, I'm fighting my own battle of the bulge. Since being off Vyvanse, I've put on some stubborn belly fat. My wife says she thinks it's cute and points out that it's firm. I think she's happy that it keeps my SR down in relation to hers (I outrank her now). 

Scarlet

There's actually a fair market for female "fit but fat" trainers.  Women who are terribly out of shape and intimidated by the gym, but want to start, emphatically do NOT want a super-fit trainer.  Fat women already feel judged every single day, so about the last thing they're going to want to do is be the fat girl at the gym, given exercises they can't do and feel self conscious trying, and potentially be judged by their own trainer.  (That may not be the case, but that is the fear.)

I don't know what the income potential is, but the market is absolutely there. 

DaddyOh

I do CF and Yoga. If you went to either of my classes you would look at the trainers/owners and say "Really? You?"

Both are quite thick. But you know why they are doing well? They know their Sh*t inside and out. I even tested both of them on their method and the advice they gave me was textbook. Down to the T. 

What also separates trainers is their ability to adapt. I.e. Client comes in with a nagging shoulder injury, bad back the trainer is suppose to know how to deal with the aches and adjust their training techniques.

Its more then poses, movements, and cardio.

Zot

So after two months of intermittent duty sex, this happened. 

While rounding up our boys for bed, I noticed my wife gazing at me admirably. I took our youngest to bed.  Afterwards, I joined her our room for a marathon session. 

She asked me what I wanted so I told her to get on top. She then proceeded to ride me to five Os. I then flipped her over and pounded her (she usually doesn't respond to this - but this time was different) to my own quick O. Once I recharged, I pounded her for an hour. At least five more Os for her. She was totally into it - couldn't stop kissing me. 

I applied some positive reinforcement this morning. I told her last night was awesome. She smiled really big and then we knocked out a quickie. 

Now to keep this momentum going. 

Zot

It's been almost a week since my last post. Zero sex since then. We have been traveling, which presents challenges, but regardless, I don't think either of us has been feeling like it. 

One big factor is my sleeping behavior. I either toss and turn or have these sleep hallucinations where I think we are in imminent danger. Last night, I thought the two doors in the room looked like windows on a train coming right at us. If you were in the room with me, you'd find it amusing. But my poor wife deals with this on a regular basis. It's like "code red - look out!" In these situations. At least I'm protecting her and not asking her to protect me.

I've put off scheduling my sleep study that my doctor ordered. I'll get on that asap. In the meantime, I'm going to honor my wife's request to sleep in separate rooms on occasion, like tonight, as she hasn't slept in two nights.

I can't help what I do when I'm asleep. However,
I think it would help if she didn't project negative energy when we go to sleep. 90% of the time she turns a cold shoulder to me. This is down from 99% pre-MAP. At least she'll hold my hand on occasion. I don't want to sound needy, but I know she has the ability to be affectionate. I'm usually just patient about this as I figure eventually she'll do more to acknowledge my existence in our bed. She's hot or cold. 

I told her we can't sleep in separate rooms on a regular basis. She countered that couples can't be happily married when one isn't sleeping. Her parents sleep at opposite ends of the house. My parents sleep in the same bed - and deal with all kinds of sleep issues (snoring, etc). 

Her concern about me tossing and turning is not valid. If I can't sleep, I'll leave the room and read for a couple of hours. I make a conscious effort to be still. I shot that down when she brought it up (again).

I don't know why she continues to bring this up when it's not true. I said "so I should just choose what sleeping position I will be in the the whole night and  it get up to pee ever?"  She said going to the bathroom isn't a problem. She didn't know what to say about the sleep position. 

Blackwulf

Are you sure that you aren't tossing and turning in your sleep too?  I agree you should be in the same bed but if you have sleep apnea or another problem that is impeding restful sleep it can impact her. 

You could get two twin beds.

Angeline

Do you mean you are shouting and grabbing her in the middle of the night while sleeping?

One big factor is my sleeping behavior. I either toss and turn or have these sleep hallucinations where I think we are in imminent danger. Last night, I thought the two doors in the room looked like windows on a train coming right at us. If you were in the room with me, you'd find it amusing. But my poor wife deals with this on a regular basis. It's like "code red - look out!" 

Having slept for many years with someone who did this, it is terrifying and exhausting.

Her concern about me tossing and turning is not valid. 

What in the world is not valid about that? She is completely justified in not wanting to spend her sleeping hours braced for being terrified awake in a panic. "Lying there trying to be still" is not at all the same as sleeping, and the fidgeting is likely similar to the lead up to thrashing and shouting nights. 

Scarlet

Major red.  It is incredibly disrespectful of you to not consider her need to sleep.  Asking you to sleep in another room is a reasonable request.  Do that until you do the study and get this sorted out.  Plus, perhaps that will light a fire under your ass to get it done.

Zot

@blackwulf @angeline @scarlet
I understand that I may be coming across as stubborn and inconsiderate. There's been some history of her exaggerating my sleeping behaviors.  it doesn't matter. I just need to get help with my sleep issues and give her the space she needs. 

Last night, I slept in a different room with our youngest while my wife shared a bed with our oldest. My nightmare was so intense that it woke her up in the other room. She had to come in and wake me up. Our youngest son slept through it though. 

Regarding the tossing and turning, I've made a conscious effort to leave the room if I cannot sleep. She changes her sleeping position as much as I do. 

The nightmares seem to happen around when I hit REM sleep. This will be hopefully be determined from the sleep study. I don't know how I'm going to sleep with all of those wires connected to me. 

I've scheduled the sleep study for a couple of weeks from now. 

Tennee

First, go and get the sleep study - get some answers and information.  No more postponing. 

"I either toss and turn or have these sleep hallucinations where I think we are in imminent danger"

"At least I'm protecting her and not asking her to protect me."

@Crashaxe

This is typical to 'Warrior' personalities - we've kicked this around here before a few times.  Usually the nightmare is one of ineffectiveness in responding to a situation, and that feeling of helplessness is the primary theme.   I've had one multiple times - I hear screaming (W and/or Kiddo) and I keep opening doors - and there's always another door; I can't find them.  Or I can't get the handgun safe to open, or it opens and its empty.  Or the police come to the door, and they won't tell me what's wrong, only that I have to go with them. 

On more than one occasion, I woke up, completely wound up like a coil, in a fight stance in the middle of my bedroom, with W asking me "What the hell is wrong?!?!??".   She said I leaped out of bed.

Don't know if this applies to you, but many who work in professions where they see the detritus of humanity, especially those in first-responder roles, have these.  Many departments have gone to mandatory decompression sessions with the head-shrinker, especially post traumatic event.   You gotta come to terms with those horror events.

I am a believer in Jung's 'Shadow' - and nasty stuff that we shove deep down there bubbles to the surface.   If you have such a role, or had in the past, and you saw some nasty, awful stuff, its down there.   Or if you experienced it for whatever reason.  You may want to explore that some more; I personally would begin to explore the reasons for these particular nightmares.   

Blackwulf

I haven't worked in any first responder roles but I have had plenty of dreams where 1) I believe someone is coming up the stairs to the second floor where we sleep and I have got to jump up and get ready to fight them, 2) I am fighting someone to protect my family.  It is not a regular thing, but a few times of year is common.  Seems to happen to me more when I am weak and sick or not feeling in control of my life.  My wife is a heavy sleeper when she is actually asleep.  

You are doing what you can, get the study and don't expect the separate sleeping to be a permanent thing, but good sleep is a requirement of good health.  

Crashaxe

Tennee said:

First, go and get the sleep study - get some answers and information.  No more postponing. 

"I either toss and turn or have these sleep hallucinations where I think we are in imminent danger"

"At least I'm protecting her and not asking her to protect me."

@Crashaxe

This is typical to 'Warrior' personalities - we've kicked this around here before a few times.  Usually the nightmare is one of ineffectiveness in responding to a situation, and that feeling of helplessness is the primary theme.   I've had one multiple times - I hear screaming (W and/or Kiddo) and I keep opening doors - and there's always another door; I can't find them.  Or I can't get the handgun safe to open, or it opens and its empty.  Or the police come to the door, and they won't tell me what's wrong, only that I have to go with them. 

On more than one occasion, I woke up, completely wound up like a coil, in a fight stance in the middle of my bedroom, with W asking me "What the hell is wrong?!?!??".   She said I leaped out of bed.

Don't know if this applies to you, but many who work in professions where they see the detritus of humanity, especially those in first-responder roles, have these.  Many departments have gone to mandatory decompression sessions with the head-shrinker, especially post traumatic event.   You gotta come to terms with those horror events.

I am a believer in Jung's 'Shadow' - and nasty stuff that we shove deep down there bubbles to the surface.   If you have such a role, or had in the past, and you saw some nasty, awful stuff, its down there.   Or if you experienced it for whatever reason.  You may want to explore that some more; I personally would begin to explore the reasons for these particular nightmares.   

OH YEAH. Completely agree.

Or the trigger won't move on the weapon you are holding, no matter how hard you are pulling on it, when you need to shoot to protect yourself or someone else. That was my most common, and I still get that one sometimes.

Lately I frequently find myself in my dreams in Iraq or Afghanistan with night falling and an attack imminent, unarmed, unarmored, and unable to equip myself with weaponry. *SHUDDER

You need the sleep study, @Zot . I ultimately ended up on a sleep med because I needed it to keep me from acting out my dreams, and I was a danger to myself and/or bedmates. Yelling, screaming, punching, kicking, running.... I didn't know I had a sleep disorder until I got my first night's sleep on the med (prescribed by accident in a misdiagnosis) and had my first restful night's sleep in years.

It's been years since I've actually been driving a patrol car, but the shit you experience in life never leaves your psyche. It just stays down deep and bubbles up when your sleeping brain doesn't exercise control over your thoughts like you can when concious. You don't have to have been an LEO or Paramedic to have experienced the bad things in life, either. You are just guaranteed to experience it in those two jobs.

Zot

generalzod said:

Did you always have nightmares and sleep issues?  Any correlations between these symptoms and starting, stopping, or taking Vyvanse.

I have rocked back and forth in my sleep (and consciously to get to sleep) since I was in a crib. I would actually rock the crib across the room, blocking the door. I guess I was born to protect.

One time, on an overnight school trip, we went to an amusement park where we bought some of those neon glow in the dark string bracelets. I was in a hotel room with three other guys. In the middle of the night, I leaned up in bed, pointed at the nightstand where those strings were piled up, and screamed "OMG! ITS GONNA EXPLODE!!!"  They all woke up and asked what was wrong. I said "never mind" and went back to sleep. It was pretty funny at the time. 

I've noticed no difference in the frequency or intensity of the dreams since being off the vyvanse.