Eyes open, pissed, scared and other updates.

dubleyuteaeff

First off I'd like to apologize for my lack of involvement, and if anyone has specific questions about my previous posts I will gladly answer them. I have been lurking here off and on for months just reading,pondering and absorbing and now find it pertinent to jump back to the forum.

A quick update, my fiancé and I have been riding a bit of a relationship roller coaster since my last post, shifting from being drunk on love to threatening to call it off. In general I am happy and she shows signs of being extremely happy as well. Sex has been hit or miss the past few months going from really intense weeks of 4-5 times in a week, to trickling every 10 days or so, with a drought recently of up to two weeks. The sex that we do have has been hot, vicious and intense. My initiations the past month or so have been met with stupid rebuttals about being tired or busy. Work is going better, I am earning slightly more money, have several different job prospects going for right now and am also in the process for a fire dept position. So things are looking up.

So what brings me back? I've been starting to notice recently that her respect for me seems to be at an absolute all time low. She basically treats me like a second child. We went to buy ourselves a car about a month ago and we had to goto our DMV to get me a replacement license, this is when this respect issue really became apparent to me and my eyes started to open. When we stepped up to speak with the DMV lady, F kept interrupting my sentences and talking over me to "speak for me". It really threw me off and felt like she thought I couldn't "handle" it on my own. 

So since that time I've been reading a lot from this forum and others to really Ramp up my MAPping.

Last Monday I was on her iPad, and a few old messages popped on her screen, curiosity got the best of me and I snooped. I found messages from an older male colleague of hers saying things like "I'm sorry if I was so forward last Friday, you're hard to read sometimes" and "animal lust has no conscience" to which she responded with "I'm a happily engaged woman" he responded with "I know ". I decided to leave it alone that night, but when I woke up the next morning couldn't shake the anger at the guy, as he knows me and has been in my house before. I got on the iPad and sent him a message from her account "This is D, I'm very disappointed in you. I would appreciate it if you would show some respect to F and our relationship, she's mine. If you can't control those animal urges you won't have to worry about them because I will turn you into a fucking vegetable". She saw this when she woke up and wasn't very pissed at all that I snooped, understood my anger and agreed the man was very inappropriate and that I wasn't out of line. She was very affectionate and doting when I came home, but no doinky(I didn't initiate, very tired 16hr day)

I spoke with a mutual friend of ours this past Friday who is incredibly intuitive and could see what I was talking about. She told me F is very dominating and I supplicate to her, and defer to her and let her be the alpha, and that I need to put F in her place and stop being "too nice", and that I've always been too nice. So before that conversation with friend I had actually soft initiated with F and was rejected, because there was "stuff to do". I came home after the convo, grabbed F, told her I wanted her and get upstairs Now so that I can have my way with her. She did and it was a great time.

One thing that scares me and is bringing me here is the fact that In casual convo the other day she mentioned she's been noticing she's been getting a lot more "looks" lately. It wasn't abnormal for her to mention that because of the convo we were having, but scares me because I'm deathly afraid that while I'm working to become the man she needs, she'll realize or think she has more value than I and find another "branch" to swing to.

I am also starting a "Nofap/no porn" practice, which will be very hard for me but feel it's important to my alphaness and relationship. I probably won't tell her about this until it's been in effect for a few months, and will be instituting an "in/on/with" mentality.

A few things I've noticed she does that has been really making me angry lately now that my eyes are open are...

She'll often make declarations like "I'm hungry" and expect me to know what it means and act on it. Last night as I was about to leave work she texted me this, I responded with "I have something I can feed you" she says "Seriously, hungry!" I didn't respond again until I got to my car and I said "So what do you want to be fed?" She said "can you stop at pizza place please?" I said "ok but only because you asked nicely" she said "I did at first, I thought.." I didn't respond.

There are a few more examples but I think that pretty much sums up our issues, and this is too long already.

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to any insights.

tim

For the 'I'm hungry' shit test I would play that children's game 'I'm @dubleyuteaeff‌ nice to meet you'.

Then pretty much ignore everything said. Asking you nicely to pick up pizza is not a problem (I assume your way home takes you past it and hers doesn't) the way she asks is.

The_Dude

I thought you were way too polite to the asshat who was honing in on your girl.  Why so polite?

Scarlet

Have you read the Primer and MAP book? 

dubleyuteaeff

I didn't think I was being very polite, basically it was 7am, had just woken up, said the first thing that came to my mind as I was heading out the door for work.

I have read the Primer, recently acquired the MAP book but haven't had time to finish it.

Redford

You haven't TAKEN the time to finish it. 

dubleyuteaeff

Agreed

DaddyOh

I would let the DMV slide. I do not recal a time where I did not want to deck someone there. DMV brings out the worst in people. 

In regards to food, unless your Chef Emeril (cookings your passion) you do not jump up and get her anything. 

never_again

+1 on the "too nice".  Biggest mistake I made in both my marriages was being too good to my wife.  You need to learn and employ the word "No" on an appropriate basis.  And sometimes you need to use "Not a fuckin' chance!".

dubleyuteaeff

I'm down with the "No", my core problem I think is not knowing which battles to pick, not knowing what is a shit/fitness test, and which aren't.

Reborn

..."I'm hungry" and expect me to know what it means and act on it. Last night as I was about to leave work she texted me this, I responded with "I have something I can feed you" she says "Seriously, hungry!" 

Do you not have food in the house?  Could you reply "make us some xyz" whatever she can cook?  (Your first reply sounded OK)

she mentioned she's been noticing she's been getting a lot more "looks" lately.

What's that about? Has her appearance improved a lot? Or is she just pulling your chain?

Reborn

I will turn you into a fucking vegetable

Oh, I think that's sufficiently assertive

Reborn

I spoke with a mutual friend of ours this past Friday who is incredibly intuitive and could see what I was talking about. She told me F is very dominating and I supplicate to her, and defer to her and let her be the alpha, and that I need to put F in her place and stop being "too nice", and that I've always been too nice.

And by the way, in my opinion (what does everyone else think?) having that conversation with a mutual friend is in danger of being a Critical Moment of Neglect. Especially with a female friend.  If my partner discussed my failings with a mutual male friend, and I found out, it might be all over for us. 

Conrad

Reborn said:

I spoke with a mutual friend of ours this past Friday who is incredibly intuitive and could see what I was talking about. She told me F is very dominating and I supplicate to her, and defer to her and let her be the alpha, and that I need to put F in her place and stop being "too nice", and that I've always been too nice.

And by the way, in my opinion (what does everyone else think?) having that conversation with a mutual friend is in danger of being a Critical Moment of Neglect. Especially with a female friend.  If my partner discussed my failings with a mutual male friend, and I found out, it might be all over for us. 

+1 to what Reborn said here.  Was your discussion with a female friend?

CartB4Horse

She wants you to Alpha the fuck up.  Said she's getting "more looks lately"?  That's her saying she's got options.

You came to the right place and are on time.  Had you waited another three months you'd be in the 911 section telling us how your woman cheated on you.

Take this VERY seriously.  You need to get some shit done quick.  Read the rest of the book, act like your marriage depends on it (it does).  Your fiance is questioning whether she made the right choice to marry you and is seeing mixed results.

Read Athols blog on "Leadership Moments".  What you do in the next three months will affect the rest of your life.  The clock is ticking.

dubleyuteaeff

Yes it was with a female friend, but to clarify, she is more my friend than F's. The woman in question has been a friend of mine for almost 10 years, we worked together in a few different restaurants, she is a few years my elder and we've always had a "brother-sister" relationship. I've had lots of those "BS" relationships, because as I said previously, I was beta, and "too nice".

dubleyuteaeff

CartB4Horse Your response hits deeply, and scares me, mostly because I think you're right on the money.

CartB4Horse

Sorry to break out the 2x4's so early but she fired a round 'cross your bow.

You have to act NOW.  So many of us here came as beta schlubs that didn't have a clue, we just wanted more/better sex.  MMSL is so much more than just that.  Your hard ass fiance wants to be led by YOU.  She wants to get the tingles thinking about how you run things, how you defend her.  Fuck-tard sending her messages really sucks.

I don't know if further investigation into her comms is warranted.  @The_Dude?

I haven't looked, but have you done a triage?  If not, do so ASAP.  What sort of shape are you in? Fat, skinny or blah?  Get moving on that.  Lose fat or build muscle.

dubleyuteaeff

I have done a triage, it's in my signature. I would be what you'd call hefty, not fat, somewhat bulky with some muscle showing through. I've peeked into other comms and saw nothing of suspicion, just the one guy. 

She does have the potential to be very submissive, I've seen it, She was that way with me in the past, but my betaness has killed that for her, she's very much a people pleaser, just not really in the mood to please me as of late. I know she wants to be led, I just don't give any direction so she takes the reigns.

DaddyOh

Loose weight. Start a regiment Now. Weather it's hefty, fat, fluffy, or plump, you are not in the best shape you can be. 

CartB4Horse

Okay, so comms check out for now.  One of the things that I noticed about my wife when I started running a MAP was how much she wants me to led.  She still gives me soft toss leadership moments which I crush.  That's just who I am now.

ETA: Time to lose the fat.  Put that on your list and start today.