Slipangle updates and MAP

SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544

I'll be starting this new thread with a less formatted update and hit on current top MAP priorities.


Dating updates:

So far this year, I've spent a few months early in the year dating a woman that was a decent woman, but with whom I broke it off due to a lack of chemistry. Met her on match.com after signing up for a 3 month subscription. We're friends, she said she felt the same way... I'll take her word for it, but I get signals that she did and does like me. But she's focusing on her school to finish her doctorate in theology and not really putting a lot of effort into a search.


Joined eHarmony in late June, I've met 3 women. First went 3 dates and seemed like there was some real chemistry and like she had her stuff together, but for reasons unknown she went dark. Second woman has had 1 date and a second date is tentative next week depending on how her daughter does with getting her wisdom teeth out, but I suspect this one will end up as a no-chemistry situation. Went with her to see a retro movie at a restored theater, and we have stuff in common but at this point, mostly there's a Hamlet performance and Thursday is the only day I can make it... This woman is the only one that might be able to go with.


Then there's the third woman I met. Before I get to that, some personal dating rules I've come up with based on my experiences.

1) No attachment or thinking about exclusivity until at least 3 dates are behind with a plan for a third. A seemingly good thing can suddenly and unexpectedly and for no apparent reason turn into a FOAD after a first, second or even third date.

2) Kisses, holding hands, hugs on first dates: a) go for it. b) never ask for it. c) it's okay to not have them.


3) Going all the way (sex) is not something I want to go for until I've dated a woman at least a month. I wouldn't turn it down, the rule is negotiable, but sexual chemistry overrules getting to know somebody, and I want a lasting relationship with somebody I am compatible with. Experiencing a month of time together with a woman ensures I'll have more probability of experiences any peaks and valleys in her personality as a result of her monthly cycle. I've dated women that seemed awesome for 3 weeks, then suddenly were very different. If a woman isn't reasonably stable the whole month through, next.


4) I can usually not get nervous about dates. The objective is to at the very least always do something that will be a good time, and learn something about myself and what I'm looking for.


Okay. Third woman is a nurse, we've met once for lunch so far, and next week we're meeting for a tango lesson then dinner. I am into her, and she's into me. I can't help feeling like I could use a reality check, but I also am a tad superstitious and don't want to jinx anything by going into detail... Besides that exercise would build my interest, and with 1 date in so far, see rule #1.


MAP

Exercise:

This summer has been too irregular, and I haven't been getting up early enough to do my daily exercise since school got out. That needs to be something I need to re-introduce into my routine, but I'm seeing that as something I'll have success with until the parenting schedule is back to normal. I'm on day 7 out of 12 consecutive days with the kids due to the ex-wife traveling with her boyfriend. And I'll have the kids next weekend too. After that, some normalcy will resume.

Health:

Biggest area needing work. Achalasia needs to be treated. I have an appointment with a GI specialist next Thursday. This will be a drain on my energy until I get through this.

Next area is my teeth. I owe my dentist because I need to pay copays from my kids seeing the dentist, I'm past due for a dentist visit and my gums have swollen up and grown between my teeth. Trying to do what I can with salt water rinses, but I haven't successfully made it a natural part of my routine yet. Practicing is what it will take.


Finances:

Summer day camp, catching up on the mortgage... These have brought what should be a comfortable budget into a barely break-even budget. At the end of August it gets better, but the foreseeable pattern is that the first 3 weeks of the month bills and $200/week for gas and groceries will be about my whole paycheck, with extra money left over in the 4th week.

A better job is a strong potential occurance. I've had 2 in-person interviews for better direct engineering jobs, one of those I think is a great fit. Both involve a second in-person interview before a hiring decision.

Still unhappy but less-so with my current contract job, but there's been some developments. I'd heard the office would close this fall, but at this point it sounds in a more official way like it will be a transition of some jobs to a new headquarters out of state, but some jobs will remain, and the timeframe of the transition starts in January and is spread out over 18 months. Plus there might be some potential of contract converting to direct, which would solve some of my issues. Issues that would not be solved is the lack of challenge and the commute being longer than I want.


Household upkeep:

Really gotta get out the weedwhacker on the yard, and a mop. Been keeping up with cleanup in general and swiffering, but something more thorough is needed on occasion. Would be easier with a weekend where the kids are away.


Strong likelihood of the nurse coming over after Tango to sit out under the stars together, so I've got some motivation to force me to get it done this weekend.

 

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Comments

  • Version3Version3 Silver Member Posts: 1,906

    I think you've come a long way since the days of no job and the whole stripper thang. Keep on keeping on, brother!


    "The pain of discipline is a tiny thing compared to the pain of regret."
     
    It's an obstacle. Get over it.

    Olddog
  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544
    edited August 2014

    Fuck. I was cleaning up around the house and texting with the nurse, and she was hanging with her daughter with whom she spent the day at the hospital because daughter had a fractured growth plate or something...

    So in the course of conversation, she'd said something about her ex couldn't care less, which reminded me of one of the new Weird Al videos "Word Crimes" where one of the lines is about misused phrases like "If you say you could care less: it means you do care, even just a little"... So she likes Weird Al and all kinds of humor.

    At a point in the conversation where the last response I got from her was "jan, and no" I had asked when her birthday is in one text, and this other text...

    What I meant to say is "If you happen to be spreading around the laughter from the Weird Al video make sure you don't miss "Tacky" (parody of Happy) and "Handy" (parody of Fancy)" <previous to this, she had sent me a pic of her daughter smiling, so I was guessing maybe she was sharing my jokes or something..>

    As I'm multitasking as well as any guy does (which is to say poorly) I use speech to text. What came out is this "Do you happen to be spreading around somewhere after looking at me weird al videos make sure you don't miss tacky (happy) or handy (fancy)"


    This was about an hour ago. We have an appointment tomorrow for a private Tango lesson because I called the studio to ask which class they'd recommend since they have a few different ones tomorrow evening and  it's the only evening that works with my schedule, so they set it up that way for us.

    I might be reading too much into it, but I'm fearing the nurse stopped texting because my errant text sent a bad vibe, in which case I'm going to show up at the dance studio alone at which point I suppose I'd have my answer.

    I know that's probably what I need to do at this point, but I'm fighting the urge to explain myself in a message to her on eharmony.

    <if I happen to still be up, which I am while waiting for laundry to finish in the dryer so I can hang it up before wrinkles set in, I would appreciate some feedback - am I choosing the right course of action here or otherwise>

     

  • OlddogOlddog CanadaSilver Member Posts: 743
    edited August 2014

    Own it. Something like "/snort DYAC/Siri! I meant to say...."  or your version of something similar. Keep it short and fun... Don't let her go to sleep thinking about a bad vibe...

    ETA: And honestly Slip "fractured growth plate or something" ??? /shakes head :)

    "STOP.THAT." - Tennee
    "So it seems to me, that you can in fact, you can teach an old dog new tricks" - Jamie Hyneman
    "So that's like a foursome every time you guys get it on!  - Monkeys_Uncle h/t Katherine Kelly
  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544
    edited August 2014

    So after I'm done with work and I get cell phone reception I ask how her day has been and she says she's spent her day off with her daughter at the hospital because she may have a broken hip from knee boarding at her dads. (Presumably waiting for x-rays or something - my speculation) Her later text explaining the prognosis "she has a growth plate fracture, time and rest will heal it." Being an engineer not a physician, I don't know what a growth plate is exactly, but it must be somehow related to a hip - given the context of the conversation.


    Hence "or something"


    And by 12:39 I had sent a message, about 2 minutes before your post. I dunno, probably not as short as it should've been, but I appreciate the recommendation don't let her go to sleep with the bad vibe - good point. If nothing else I'll live and learn and do better next time.

     

  • OlddogOlddog CanadaSilver Member Posts: 743

    You sent the clarifying text, right?

    Sometimes I just can't help teasing you :) I'm not saying you have to be a physician, but if someone's kid is hurt, it's a good time to show interest - even if it's a 'good, glad she's going to be okay'  text. (You could remember to ask the next time 'how's your DD doing, is it painful?' and/or 'is she bummed about not being able to xyz for the rest of the summer or even 'what's a growth plate?')

    "STOP.THAT." - Tennee
    "So it seems to me, that you can in fact, you can teach an old dog new tricks" - Jamie Hyneman
    "So that's like a foursome every time you guys get it on!  - Monkeys_Uncle h/t Katherine Kelly
  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544
    edited August 2014

    Yeah... And I made a questionable decision and made a 1 mile drive to a Meijer because I had an emergency, my kids are going to the beach tomorrow with their day camp and somehow my son lost his swimsuit. As I'm driving, I got a text from her that she fell asleep with her daughter and she'll see me tomorrow. (Today was a day off for her, and I think she earned it. I think she had something like 62 hours last week, she's an ER nurse working shifts 3p-3a, she took extra shifts and at least one of them went 4 hours over.)


    I'm showing interest, but there was a bit of bitterness between ex-spouses involved too so I also felt it best to steer the conversation away from that. (Her ex, according to her, couldn't care less about DD and was blaming her (nurse) for the injury)


    Wasn't googling because I've been putting away laundry and making kids lunches and texting between. But thanks... And it'd probably be a good thing to ask her to explain to me anyway, I always believe it's good to set people up with opportunities to share their expertise.

     

    Olddog
  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544
    edited August 2014

    <exasperated sigh> So I'm with the kids once again now. And I've got the following dating prospects...

    The nurse, let's call her B2, whom I've so far had lunch with once, before that we had a tentative date that didn't end up working out and I forget why, but IIRC it was a short notice spontaneous thing... And with whom a second date was cancelled due to her ex flaking on her kids.

    An insurance agent, let's call her H, with whom I've had 1 date - we saw a retro movie with a meetup.com group, so while there wasn't a feeling of chemistry, I can't know if it's because of us or just because the setting just wasn't the kind where you can tell. I'm sure I will have a second date set up with her, and that'll be where I can figure if I want a third with her or not.

    I've got a couple prospects on OKC and eHarmony that seem to agree we should meet, but I don't have weekends free until Labor Day for anybody unless they came to my house after the kids in bed. B2 is the only one I'd give that invite to, but this weekend her schedule doesn't work for that.

    I've made a rule that I won't allow myself to consider exclusivity with anyone with whom I've had fewer than 3 dates. This rule is keeping me on my search and in pursuit of trying to set up dates with anyone other than B2...

    So with that said, obviously B2 is my favorite out of my prospects. The only thing I don't like is how hard it is to get together with her. I don't even mind if it's hard to set something up with her, what really bothers me is that I don't know when we're going to see each other next. We're texting daily, and she likes texting, I make her laugh, and she seems to like my ideas of things to do together.

    Here's an example though... So she has her work schedule planned out the rest of this month, and that was set before she met me, she took as much time as she could when the kids are away before school starts. Okay, that's fine, and she says she'll have more flexibility after that. I'm trying my best to work with it, and just sitting together in the back yard would be enjoyable for both of us... She's out today and got her hair done, got a pedicure and went to a movie with her girlfriends. So she's busy, can't meet tonight, but we're texting.. And when I ask if she wants to hang out in my back yard and count stars, but there's a bit of a pause without a response, I up the offer and ask if she's holding out for something better, and I'll throw in a DIY tango lesson by way of finding something on youtube. She sent a smiley and said it sounds nice but she can't this weekend.

    The frustration is that I don't know when she can, and I'm trying not to react badly, but I feel a bit unsure how to react appropriately.


    It occurs to me that there's 3 possibilities:

    1) everything is as she says, and the compound scheduling challenges of 2 single parents trying to date each other, especially with one having a 9-5 career and the other having a nursing career, it's just not easy to work out a time to meet.

    2) she's lying to get out of a date (in this case by omission perhaps)

    3) she's too flakey.

    #3 is an obvious dealbreaker. #2 I can't hold her dating anyone else against her, we're not exclusive, it's just frustrating to be unsure about where I stand... But I can only tolerate it so long. #1 would be fine, I can be patient, and the way I look at things I'd next her if I didn't believe #1 was believable.

    To figure out which possibility is most likely the truth, I look to actions. She's still texting me, which says she still has some level of interest. But I would expect her to counterpropose a time that works, and the absence of that is a source of doubt.

     

  • Version3Version3 Silver Member Posts: 1,906
    edited August 2014

    With K at first I only saw her maybe 3 times in 5 weeks. That was crazy. But the nightly (!) phone conversations were great and kept us both interested. Later it became easier and we managed for most of the time (another 6 months or so) to see each other three times a week or more. Became really easy once we'd each met each other's kids. 

    All of which is to suggest hanging in there if you really like her.


    "The pain of discipline is a tiny thing compared to the pain of regret."
     
    It's an obstacle. Get over it.

  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544

    Oh yeah... So as it turns out, I lay down to go to bed right at 2 AM, and right at 2:01 AM she texts me and we're on for Thursday. We had a few other messages, so it's all good for now... Still, it's just awkward holding myself back because I know I'd go overboard and screw this all up.

     

  • ThomasBThomasB Pacific NorthwestSilver Member Posts: 117
    This is good OI training for you. 

    This is a question for everyone: I seen members complain about lack of counter- proposals. Is it DHV to state: "Ok, message me when you have some free time" after the other person has declined due to scheduling conflicts on more than one occasion? 

  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544

    My honest assessment of B2 is that her career keeps her so damn busy and a lot of guys don't have the patience for it, maybe she appreciates the patience enough to tolerate some mis-steps on my part that other women might not.


    Alright since finances was brought up, and I'm being accused of poor money management, I'd like to just lay out a typical budget, and somebody here is welcome to either tell me just where my management choices are poor, or else stfu.

    I get paid weekly on Wednesday. My net income per paycheck is approximately $1050. I've been budgeting for $170 for gas and groceries per week this summer as I work through getting caught up, it was hard to follow and often required taking up surplus funds... Of that $50-70 is my gas expenses for the week. $110 for groceries would be typical.

    So typically out of 4 weeks, week 1 is paying for childcare, week 2 is paying for the mortgage, week 3 is car insurance and lease, week 4 is everything else. Week 4 is where I have about $500 surplus.

    First week of the month my childcare is approximately $500 on average.

    Second week, the mortgage payment is $1060. The first weeks paycheck needs to cover both week's grocery & gas budget.

    Third week, insurance is $350/month plus truck lease is $490.

    Forth week I pay the gas bill, electric, cable, cell phone and every 3rd month water. They're $ 40, $50, $100, $150 typically (gas bill varies the most, last one was $30. It's in my budget based on the usage over the last year X the maximum rate). As I said this is the week where I typically have the surplus, and so far this summer it's gone towards catching up on bills, I'm at the point I'm caught up. Months when there's a water bill, it's $150

    As I said in the other thread, on the income side, I'm doing repairs on the Focus to sell it and I'm pursuing better job opportunities.

    Losses to income happen on holiday days because  the lousy job I have right now doesn't pay holidays or vacation pay. My income is down about 10% from my last job. If I have a doctor appointment, it pretty well means I miss a half day of work because it's an hour away, so if I somehow was to leave work then return, it would involve 2 hours worth of driving. The additional round trip uses $10/gas and might get me back in work in time for 30 minutes of work if it's an afternoon appointment, which only nets $5 after paying for the gas.

    You can call it hamstering all you want, or poor management, but it's as useful as name-calling and comes across as such. I'm not looking for help. My budget is established and being followed, and it will gradually get to the goal of having a capacity to handle variances in the budget. I'm open to hearing suggestions, but when I ask questions that are not about my finances, and instead of getting answers I get accused of poor financial management, a) it does *NOTHING* to improve my financial management, b) it does *NOTHING* to answer the question I asked and c) It comes across as an endorsement of the problem I came here looking for advice on.

    Nothing pisses me off as much as being accused of doing some kind of bad behavior by the person that actually is behaving badly in that manner. Case in point, my ex accusing me of taking her money when she's taking my money. I work pretty hard to do the right thing, and it would be one thing if I was doing something wrong and I was told what I should be doing differently. But saying I manage my finances poorly in a thread where I'm not even discussing my finances is as helpful as this guy..

     

  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542

    Goodness, how terribly dramatic.  

    It really doesn't matter what your expenses are; what matters is that you can't afford them so you have to do something different.  What do you think you could cut out? 

    Speak your truth. 
  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544

    I'll have a $500+ surplus monthly starting September. At the end of the year I can eliminate the $200/month repayment plan on the mortgage. In 20 month I can eliminate the $490/month for the truck lease. In 24 months I can eliminate the $390/month spousal support - sooner if by some miracle the ex-wife remarries before then, but I am planning based on her taking every dollar she can. Notwithstanding whatever improvements I achieve with my income and bringing a second income in by eventually remarrying, $1600/month surplus will be just fine. For now, no there isn't really anything that could be cut out.

     

  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542

    $250 per month for cable and cell and there's nothing you can cut out?  And honestly, a lot of this is repercussions of prior poor decisions.  It's kind of like walking off a cliff and wondering what to do about it. 

    Do you have plans for the "surplus?"  Because what you think of as extra really isn't.  Car repairs, car replacements, home repairs, clothing, kids' school expenses, savings, all of those things are going to happen, and you need to be prepared for those things instead of surprised at the unsurprising. 

    Speak your truth. 
    PhoenixDownMariaAngelineEANx
  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544

    I want to get at least $1000 saved before any of it starts getting spent, but at the top of my list is a new laptop, and in general mostly saving for the other things as they come up. I'm not planning those things specifically because I don't know well enough where my life will go after I find somebody and remarry. All I'm after is to have the money ready for when I'm at that point.


    For example, I can foresee 4 different paths for the housing which would depend on who I end up with. On one path I stay in this house substantially as-is with the biggest project being the building of a larger garage. This is the path if I was to end up with somebody with no children or children who have grown and moved out. Another path involves a bigger focus on remodeling this house to add a second bathroom and 2 bedrooms in attic, converting the unfinished attic to a finished attic. A possibility with somebody who has 1 or 2 kids. There's a possibility of buying a new house with someone. There's a possibility of moving into someone else's house, and I really hadn't considered that possibility until meeting B2, but her aside I need to consider that as much as I'd rather keep my kids in the same school - I'm dating mostly parents, and they have just as much right to feel that way and somebody's likely going to have to change schools or deal with driving from one suburb to another.


    Car-wise I have 3. I'm selling the Focus, and that would get me fast to a more sound savings goal, get me a laptop, and get me to a place I can send out bills the day that they come in rather than on a schedule by paycheck. It doesn't actually reduce expenses except for a small reduction in car insurance, so that's the extent to which I'd plan on it. I would intend after the truck lease ends to be done with making car payments for life. The Mercury Grand Marquis is low mileage and ought to be good for 5 years easily, and most likely 10. $9k/year of surplus for 5 years, I should be able to get a reasonable new car paid in cash from half of that after 5 years - just saying I could if I chose to go that way, it's more likely I'd do something smarter.

    Of course I don't know where life will take me, I might end up with someone and there might be travel involved on a regular basis. It might come out better when there's a dual income.. I don't know what's in my job future, this one is not a life-long career choice... The one I interviewed for is, it might or might not pan out. My current job does have a finite shelf life as they move some operations to Tennessee, but there will still be an office here because the OEM is here. There's unknowns that could lead to more income or expenses.

     

  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542
    edited August 2014

    You don't have to plan for things specifically to know that things will come up.  I mean, I don't know what repairs my car will need in the next six months, but I do know that it's a 2004 so something will need to be fixed.  It would be pretty silly for me to act all surprised when that happens.  

    Your "surplus" is not a surplus.  There's this much bigger pattern here of you having a perfect plan that never pans out and OH MY GOD NOW THERE IS A FINANCIAL ISSUE.  Again.  And again.  And again.  The future is not really a surprise - you've been given really amazing advice her but have repeatedly ignored it. 

    And what about cable and cell?  Is a new laptop really a reasonable priority?  What would you have to do to get out of that truck lease?  Why is your car insurance so insanely high?  

    Speak your truth. 
    Angeline
  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544

    3 cars, full coverage on 2. Most of it is the truck.

    The truck lease would be the biggest thing to improve the budget for sure. A year ago I went to a dealership and the early turn-in would've taken $6000. Being that it was a year ago it would be worthwhile to re-check, however the mileage is higher than it should be for it's age and the plan if the lease was kept up until the end of the 48 months involved a lot of the truck sitting in the driveway. I do need it for some trailer hauling, after that I can park it and take it off insurance, I'd be unlikely to need it until and unless I move.

    Cable and cell will be taken investigated, but it's not so much of a priority that I'll have time until after next weekend.


    Bear in mind the Mercury brakes weren't an emergency. It's a 3rd car, and they got to a point of being worn, and the car sat until I had the money to get rear rotors. It's part of the plan of enabling the sale of the Focus.

    The laptop is definitely high priority. The hard drive acts like it has physical damage. It often needs to be rebooted and often runs slowly, I have plenty of space but storing files on the hard drive is a crap shoot for whether it's going to go into a sector of the hard drive that will result in the computer locking up. I use the computer for too much to be without one. A $400-$500 budget for replacement should be generous. I have a Windows 7 computer, I'm not up on what's going on with windows operating systems but I remember XP going unavailable when windows 7 came out, and I know windows 8 is out (and I hate it)


    Surplus... whatever, I'm sure you can figure out what I mean. I'm just budgeting essentials. Bills. Regular living expenses. Beyond that isn't regular enough to be planned. I've been at a point where bills and living expenses take up my whole paycheck. It's a matter of time to get out of that phase. Most of that time has passed.

     

  • PhoenixDownPhoenixDown TejasGold Women Posts: 10,632

    Dude, you can get a month-to-month 4G LTE plan with Straight Talk for $45 a month. 

    Scarlet
  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542
    "Beyond that isn't regular enough to be planned."

    It should be.  Anticipating and budgeting for irregular expenses is part of being a functional adult.
    Speak your truth. 
    EANx
  • SlipangleSlipangle MichiganSilver Member Posts: 1,544

    So is not being pedantic. It really gets old reading you insinuate that I'm not a functional adult.

     

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