Slipangle updates and MAP

Scarlet

I'm not insinuating.  You have not demonstrated that you are a functional adult.  You have been a member of this board for quite some time but have chosen to reject its advice.  That's on you.  These are all your decisions and it's your life, but just as you are not obligated to participate and/or follow the MAP process, members here are not obligated to pretend that the way you behave is healthy or reasonable. 

Remus

I don't understand the truck.  It seems like between insurance and payments, it's like %15 of your monthly income.  Do you need it for work?  When you say trailer hauling what do you mean?  If this is really sporadic, couldn't use just rent or borrow a vehicle for those times?

You should easily be able to get a solid laptop for $500, even less if you get it used.  You might even have a friend you can get a hand-me-down much less.

Slipangle

The truck is on a 4 year lease with 20 months left. It's supposed to have 15k miles/year, so at 48 months it needs to be under 60k miles. It's at 38k. So I'd have an overage turning it in right now, but at any rate I need to see a dealer because the details of how it gets calculated is less important than the bottom line. The bottom line is that last year I went in to find out what it would cost to turn it in. The cost would've been $6000. It made more sense to get use out of the truck than pay for a year of ownership without the year of ownership. And there's been part of the year where both of the other cars were down, and it's been driven.

My expectation has been that it's going to be needed on occasion, and the cost of the turn-in is only marginally less than paying through the end of the lease and is a lump payment I'm not equipped for. There may be a point where it's a different story. I doubt I'm at that point, but it doesn't hurt to check aside from the time spent - and that kind of time is not available until next week or the following week.

Oh yeah, and I had filed bankruptcy, but reaffirmed the lease. It was non-dischargeable because my ex was on the lease and that means they'd go after her for payments, and due to the judgement of divorce I'd  therefore be the one responsible for the payments anyway.

Point of reference in upcoming terminology, I live in the metro Detroit area, and for people in Michigan going "up north" means getting out of the metro Detroit area usually towards the northern lower peninsula, but some people  might use it for somewhere that's maybe only an hour drive or something. Semantics.

My parents have a place up north... Chicks dig this stuff, but alas my parents need to sell it because they can't afford to keep paying the property taxes. The place was my grandpa's, he's got a lot of tools and furniture that I'm getting... It's actually pretty handy because the coffee table I usually have my laptop sitting on by the couch was recently broken in a ruckus with the kids. The couches I'll get are nicer than what I have. Tools will be helpful on projects, and I'm getting a good toolbox which is something I lack.

Slipangle

So last night was another attempt at a second date with the nurse. I really wanted it to work, she's got a lot of positive qualities and really seemed to like me... even though it was her third cancellation. It was an understandable and predictable missed date (2 rough days in a row for her, 3PM-3AM and a court date the next morning the day of the date), and in the end there's a dozen ways I would've accommodated her, but it's up to her. I'd give it a go if she showed enough interest to try.

Picked up a new conversation on OKC, that always helps with moving on.

ThomasB

@Slipangle‌: IOI's feed the OI!

Slipangle

If you mean giving her indicators of interest feed the one-it is, I understand that, but OI usually means outcome independence. Pretty sure I'll never hear from nurse again, don't know why, but these things just happen.

2 dates this week, one with H for a painting class. The other is with my new woman "C" from OKC. Leaning towards favoring C. She's fun, questions to watch with her will be what the implications are of having been divorced 13 years and having 3 teenage boys. I am going for somebody that likes a broad spectrum of activities from dirty outdoor stuff, which she clearly likes, to more formal stuff like symphony or ballroom dance - which is where I'll see how she handles it.

But There's a multiple choice on OKC and I played with it in early conversations. Question is "Which would you prefer for a first date" and choices: A) Coffee and Chit Chat or Drinks and Groping. I picked A and made the comment "...except that I don't drink coffee." and she picked B and made the comment "I don't drink coffee."

ThomasB

I meant the IOI's that you're pulling in feed your OI towards any one woman, such as the nurse. They're like medicine for oneitis. 

Slipangle

Thanks, that helps clear things up.

Alright, there's been a lot of interaction with C, and I need a bit of reality check.

Thursday is when we started chatting - in lieu of my date with nurse B. I had my game on well enough to get her phone number. Friday I did my thing, and during my 3.5 hour drive we texted back and forth some more (hands free). Saturday through much of the day we kept texting back and forth and I charmed my way into a phone call. In the course of the call, we got the details set for her coming over to my house to hang out tomorrow evening. I'd call this the high point.

Some might say I should stop, with a date set and that date not being too far off, there's nothing more to be gained and all I can do is stick my foot in my mouth.

As a side note, I peppered opportunities for the conversation to get into some innuendo, but she didn't take the bait. Maybe she's heard it before. (She's given me the line "That's what they all say" and recall, divorced 13 years)

Anyway, Sunday I kept conversing in texts. And Monday. At one point she said I text a lot, and the tone cooled a little, but she kept texting and at the end of the day she went to bed saying she had a headache and was getting up early the next morning to run.

And what I should say is nothing, aside from giving her my address. I'm here for a reality check.

What I wrote but didn't send is below (if for no other reason than to get it out of my head)...

 I'm guessing you'll read this in the morning, and I know sometimes the OKCupid app makes it look like you're online when you're not. I've had a blast talking with you and if getting a date with you means something, you've had some fun yourself.

I meant what I said. I've done more dating since the divorce than I did before the marriage. I am a noob at dating. It felt really good to be a guy that's entertaining a woman I'm starting to like. I know the situation though, and since I've spent so much of my life making bad choices that have held myself back I've got a lot of catching up to do. Some advice would tell me that once I've charmed my way into a date with you, yammering on further is nothing but a chance to stick my foot in my mouth - I should just sit back and chill out.

I get that I probably have bad instincts and I don't have the dating experience to have refined them, and amongst those would be to tell you my story to try to explain myself.

Rather than do that, I'm just going to ask you to do me a favor. If I'm coming on too strong or talking too much, just say so. Just because I'm not that great at this courtship thing, don't let that stop you from getting to know me. You're going to like me. And if you can be direct and honest when maybe my heart is in the right place but I'm doing something wrong, you'll see that I'm man enough to take criticism and learn from it instead of taking it personally.

I'm an open book, but maybe it's best that I save it for this evening. How about you tell me if you agree, I'd chat here and there if you'd like, but maybe a simple "Good morning, have a good day at work." is enough until you come over, then let me know when you're on the way to make sure I got the kids in bed on time before 9:30. I'm at <address> 

Version3

STFU.

Good that you got it out of your head, but forget it ever existed. Yes, chill out!

I say often that there are no rules, but there clearly ARE guidelines. If you're texting about equal numbers to her as she sends, and they're conversational (not logistics/updates on your way to a date, say) you're texting too much! Get on the phone with her or slow way way down. If she can't get on the phone right then, say you;re done until you can talk.

ThomasB

Yes,  STFU and unload here as needed. 

I have a second date with a hot little fitness instructor on Wednesday, and I'm feeling all the same things you're writing, so unload it here to unburden yourself-- and validate your comrades' struggles. 

In the meantime, go flirt with three other women today! 

Remus

Yeah wow I cringed at the idea of sending that to someone.  Listen to the advice here.  

Slipangle

Yeah, and believe me what I am capable of writing could be worse. This is about breaking bad habits. This I i texted her good morning, hope you had a good run, if we don't chat, here's my address, see you tonight.

 

Thing is, no response. Im running on faith she won't Noshow. that's tough. And my habits make sense to me, so it's easiest to replace bad habits when good  if ican get some rationale.

Slipangle

oh, and assuming she isn't a noshow, the plan with c tonight was hang out in the back yard after my kids are in bed. She likes outdoor activities and has a cat alergy, so inside is out. Storms are forecast though. I will be pitching a tent. Literally. Otherwise will be TBD.

Slipangle

Things fell apart and she was a no show. All day I sent a text on 3 occasions far apart, no response which was uncharacteristic. I got the sense that her attraction was dying off.

So this has been an interesting exercise because I was able to generate attraction at first, so I think for me it's a matter of keeping this up until I have the skill to keep up the attraction to the point we've been around each other enough to start actually knowing something about each other.

ThomasB

Time to go get some more plates,  brother!

The_D_Word

ThomasB said:

This is good OI training for you. 

This is a question for everyone: I seen members complain about lack of counter- proposals. Is it DHV to state: "Ok, message me when you have some free time" after the other person has declined due to scheduling conflicts on more than one occasion? 

I tried this a couple weeks back with a woman from POF that seemed pretty interested and had moved to texting with and agreed to meet.  After running into difficulty with scheduling, I sent pretty much that exact text and never heard back from her.  Guess she didn't see it as DHV.  Your results may vary. 

The_D_Word

Slipangle said:

Yeah, and believe me what I am capable of writing could be worse. This is about breaking bad habits... And my habits make sense to me, so it's easiest to replace bad habits when good  if ican get some rationale.

Slipangle said:

I meant what I said. I've done more dating since the divorce than I did before the marriage. I am a noob at dating. It felt really good to be a guy that's entertaining a woman I'm starting to like. I know the situation though, and since I've spent so much of my life making bad choices that have held myself back I've got a lot of catching up to do. Some advice would tell me that once I've charmed my way into a date with you, yammering on further is nothing but a chance to stick my foot in my mouth - I should just sit back and chill out.

I get that I probably have bad instincts and I don't have the dating experience to have refined them, and amongst those would be to tell you my story to try to explain myself.

Rather than do that, I'm just going to ask you to do me a favor. If I'm coming on too strong or talking too much, just say so. Just because I'm not that great at this courtship thing, don't let that stop you from getting to know me. You're going to like me. And if you can be direct and honest when maybe my heart is in the right place but I'm doing something wrong, you'll see that I'm man enough to take criticism and learn from it instead of taking it personally.   For the love of God, no!

I'm an open book, but maybe it's best that I save it for this evening. How about you tell me if you agree, I'd chat here and there if you'd like, but maybe a simple "Good morning, have a good day at work." is enough until you come over, then let me know when you're on the way to make sure I got the kids in bed on time before 9:30. I'm at <address> 

@Slipangle:  Read and heed.

http://therationalmale.com/2011/12/27/women-in-love/

http://therationalmale.com/2012/01/13/just-be-yourself/

http://therationalmale.com/2012/09/11/of-love-and-war/

http://therationalmale.com/2012/09/10/men-in-love/

The articles above have some applicability to what you've been expressing.  You mentioned another marriage earlier.  Stop thinking this way!  Having a goal to get married is exactly the wrong way to go about it.  Your goal needs to be to be healthy and attract healthy people into your life to have healthy relationships with.  If you start considering a marriage (even in the foggiest recesses of your mind) and feel the desire to bare your soul to women who are nothing more than acquaintances, you are setting yourself up for another disaster.  This is an indication of a weak frame and perhaps an unwillingness to really accept the "red pill".  Even though being lonely can suck, I would encourage you step back and really think about whether you are truly prepared to be in a relationship.  I know you feel like you're trying, but it seems that if you do end up in a relationship/marriage you will revert back to "blue pill" actions due to your romanticized ideals of love.  You already know how that works out.

anon

I agree with @The_D_Word‌ .  I will also add:  Most women are uncomfortable meeting a guy for the first time at their house.  Probably even more uncomfortable meeting a guy for the first time and potentially being put in an awkward situation by meeting their kids.

Slipangle

First time at my house, I recognize that, but this would've been the second time I've done it and it's never been something I pushed. First time worked well. This time I simply said that we ought to meet this week, but the only way it would be possible is hanging out in my back yard after the kids are asleep. And that's something that had been in the discussions because she likes outdoor activities and I've had the tent set up in the back yard as I've been introducing the kids to camping, plus she has a strong cat allergy and I have a cat, so we'd discussed that if she had ever come over she'd have to not go in the house.

Thanks D Word I'll read.

This cancellation thing is something I'm trying to sort out. First Nurse B ends up with 4 scheduled dates of which 2 are cancelled for understandable reasons, and the last is a no show with a guess that it's for understandable reasons but possible alternate reasons of debatable rationality. Then I have this with C, where the time and place was of her choosing and... Anyway, I don't think it's a good position to be in. So it's a matter of sorting out the best way to handle a situation better avoided.

On the other hand, the alternative was to have had this great conversation Saturday, but the date would've followed 10 days+ later. That to me feels like enough time to lose momentum. Opinions on whether that's right would be appreciated.

ThomasB said:

Time to go get some more plates,  brother!

2 new conversations started from OKC last night, texting one today here and there at work, we're going to talk on the phone tonight after her kid is in bed. Setting something up next week depends on whether she closes on a house she's buying this Friday, but I suggested we ought to be able to fit something quick in at the least, will be discussed tonight.

And the other date is still on for tomorrow.

I mean, ultimately maybe it's just a lucky streak, but I do seem to be doing just fine at picking up a new start as soon as something dies off.

Olddog

IMO?

Wayyyy too many texts (neeeeeeeddddddyyyyyyyyy). 

As an FO, knowing you've thought of me randomly during a moment in the day and want to make me laugh, is awesome (tingle inspiring!). If you're texting me constantly - for days before we have even met?? I begin to wonder what you're doing with your life... FWIW, I hate being bugged/texted incessantly.

How's the rest of your map going?

What were your reds and yellows again? (Because, ultimately you know of course a woman/partner is not going to make your life magically better, right? Right?)