Addressing Anxiety

try_red_pill

OK so I read this  over on reddit. As Athol pointed out, over here, this forum needs to be taken with a large pinch of salt if you are trying to fix your relationship.

However the article triggered a memory of something that my wife said years ago about the long term boyfriend she had before we met, realize now he presented as fairly alpha. She said he was always able to calm her and her mother down by talking, she is fairly anxious around stuff that she has no control over and I have never seemed to be able to provide a response that does not get a "hamster", "how can you be sure of that response."

I realize that my background has in no way given me the skills to quench the anxiety, anyone have any similar experience or have techniques that you use?

JellyBean

I don't think it is a matter of knowing a technique, or being able to say the right words.  Rather, it is a matter of being strong, having a confident frame, demonstrating that no matter what happens, you're not going to be damaged.  It isn't about addressing her anxiety du jour, it is about being strong enough to withstand her anxiety episodes that may ultimately reduce their frequency and severity.

try_red_pill

Yep, frame, sigh. It all comes down to frame I guess.

I have noticed that my frame is a roller coaster. I will do well for a while and then suddenly something comes at me and out of the blue I am flapping my gums like a 14 year old on his first date.

Caught myself doing it last night, facepalm.

Facepalm after reading @JellyBean‌'s response.

JellyBean

Being aware of it is the first step!  As you become more accustomed to being aware, it will improve.  Don't despair.

try_red_pill

JellyBean said:

Being aware of it is the first step!  As you become more accustomed to being aware, it will improve.  Don't despair.

Ha Ha! If there is one strength I have it's being as stubborn as a mule, I can out persist most things.

DarKeyes

For a long time, when I was driving, my wife would be a pain in the ass passenger. If brake lights went on a half mile ahead of us and I didn't respond immediately, she would have her foot on the dash as if we were about to die. I would get very mad at her, criticize her for doubting me and distracting me, argue that she should trust me because I have never ACTUALLY hit anything, etc. Didn't work. Now, I just hold the frame that I am a good driver, regardless of her antics. She can do whatever she wants, and I ignore it. If it gets really bad, I'll tease her mercilessly "wow, that was close, we almost died, but your foot on the dash saved the day!" She has relaxed quite a bit, and I am not bothered.

Frame

DarKeyes

@serenity, my monkeys this week will be

1> do two scary things per day

2> do two "leadership moments" per day

3> do two drive-by kiss / hug / ass-grab per day

4> no masturbation for the week.

I'll report back...

BC_hunter

I highly reccomend getting a GSR2 biofeedback device (look up on youtube for instructional vids, especially the one with the chineese girl in the still image its the best vid)

It is like a computer mouse. it fits in your hand and you place 2 fingers on the top of it. it measures your galvanic skin response, which is your first response to anxiety and stimulation. it makes an audible high pitch at whatever setting you happen to be at (everyones starting point is different) and there is a dial on the side of it that adjusts sensitivity. the dial has numbers from 1-8 with 1 being the lowest sensitivity and 8 being highest. the lower your number the higher your anxiety starting point is. As you relax.. the pitch changes frequency to a deeper sound to which you can dial it up again to a higher pitch to further increse sensitivity and deepen your relaxationm.

 For example. when i started the GSR2 to help me with my own anxiety(and my sons actually). it began around 2 on the dial. infact i fell asleep the first time i tried it. as i got better at lowering my anxiety and increasing my ability to relax i worked my way up to 4.I am still at 4 today but from 2-4 made a huge difference and as a result i can keep myself from losing my frame now with my wife in heated moments for the most part.

To understand just how sensitive this device is at measuring stimulation and your response my wife came up to me during a time i was practicing with the device and said the word "christmas".. and within 2 seconds the pitch shot straight up in frequency. i was like really? wtf!. took several moments to concentrate again to lower pitch sound and relax again.

There is a device that plugs into gsr2 that shows a visible measurement of the pitch instead of sound (as shown in video i sugggested that for some reason i cant post a link to as copy and paste doesnt work here on a phone)

check it out... it was a super handy device and as a result i can feel my anxiety much sooner and recognize it and stop or reduce my fight or flight response before it overstimulates me in heated moments to help me keep my frame.