El Capitan's intro and triage

El_CapitanEl_Capitan U S of A Member Posts: 61

My wife and I just got married, and my problems are nowhere near bad or catastrophic. I had been complaining about wanting more sex and stumbled onto this site (i had already been aware of red-pill, but never heard of married man red-pill so Athol's words were like a godsend) I've been improving and things have become much better, but I want them to be optimal, so I will post a full triage here to refer to. Again, glad I'm young, and found this early. You guys have already saved me years ahead.

Basic info:

We got married this year in June. We've been together for a little over two years total. I'm 27, tall 6'2", attractive, only slightly overweight (no one would think so with my clothes on - I'm 210 lbs). I have a good job, make good money, a degree, am athletic, play soccer, go to the gym. And am generally a manly, cool, guy. I lived in Spain for 6 years in college and early twenties, and am quite mature for my age. i.e. elevated job for my age. I think objectively I'm a 7 or 8.
She's 34, short / med height. She's got a great body. Like 115 pounds.  Eats well. She's super fun, has a good job, makes good money.  She's got a cute face, beautiful eyes, great curves, anyone would think she's attractive. Overall she's like a 7 or 8.
We have fairly equal sex rank if you ask me. I think most people would say the same.
The age difference doesn't seem to affect us. We're at a similar level of maturity and career progress, etc. Mostly because I've had an accelerated career, and some life experiences (i.e. travel, early management roles, etc) that have pushed me well past the level of my fellow late twenties American men.


Medical

I'm healthy as a horse with a high sex drive - I want to get my T tested, but I imagine it's normal.

She's super healthy too, I think her sex drive is moderate. From what I've read on here it's not low, but it's not high. She takes BC and I'm unsure how that affects her, I'm pushing for her to do a DRs appointment, but her hamster spins up if I discuss this (I've only brought it up 2x in like a year). I think her drive is not medical and is most likely about me being a leader and attraction. I think this because as I've begun implementing things she responds well, and she does initiate sex sometimes. If she was truly LD / had medical issues, than MAP wouldn't be showing improvements. 


Structural Attraction

I think I have a lot going for me, and nothing really against me. Nothing that others would think is unattractive. I'm balding a little, but I have a nice shaped head, and shave my head, so it's like cool, confident balding.
Only thing on the negative side is some student loan debt, but it's not astronomical at all. And we easily pay all our bills, put money in savings, and go out for dinner. So my student loan debt is not affecting us.

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Comments

  • El_CapitanEl_Capitan U S of A Member Posts: 61
    edited August 2014

    Critical Moments and Neglect

    No, this is actually where we shine well. Anytime something really rocks our world we are very supportive of each other. For example, she lost her job and I picked up the slack until she got a new, helped her with emotional and financial support (before we got married). I actually lost a job early in our relationship and she was very cool about it. I had job offers on the plate within 2 months, so it wasn't anything long term, and our teamwork was awesome. This is one of the reasons I really like her is that I think we handle critical moments very well, and we don't neglect each other (outside the obvious, which is that I want more sex)


    Outside Sexual Sources


    For me, nothing besides some occasional porn use, but I don't like porn, so no addiction there.

    Her, nothing. She's accounted for at all times, and I don't have any suspicions.

    I think she's very happy with our relationship (I mean she did just marry me :) )


    When did it go bad? / What was it like at the beginning?



    At the beginning of our relationship I was still living in another city so we only met up on trips to see each other. In those moments, it was vacation mode and we would bang like crazy.

    When I moved to our current city (this is right after I lost my job, and I had offers on the plate in no time) that's when we really began dating. At that time our sex life took on a weekend kind of thing. I was not living with her, so I would stay over on the weekends and we were not having any problems that I can think of. It was after we moved in that things started to go down hill. By down hill I mean sex a few times a week. At first I did the typical and asked for more sex, explained, logic, etc etc, but to no avail. She even got frustrated that she couldn't give me enough of what I want. You guys know this story. Then outside of this one issue, everything else was amazing, including our families liking each other so we started down the wedding game. In the mean time, I even played a heavy move on her when I told her that would not marry her / and or would divorce her if this issue did not improve - she of course insisted it will, actions speak louder than words though and nothing improved at all until I found MMSL. I found MMSL around 3-4 months ago and quickly read the Primer and some blog post, then I've recently read MAP book and started tracking what I'm mapping on. Things in the bedroom have generally improved since then. And I did decide to marry her on the optimistic outlook that I would MAP and improve things, or I'd divorce her if she wasn't able to or willing to improve our sexlife. Again, everything on paper is ideal, and we have a generally fun, affectionate, loving relationship. I just want to fuck more. MAPing has improved this some, and also improved how I act / feel.  

    Honeymoon was awesome. Tons of hot sex. Now we're back to regular life and I want more. I mean we have sex 2-3 times a week (I know some of you would be happy with that) but I feel like I really want 5+ times a week. Hell, every day if I could.

    Pre-finding MMSL we had sex about 2 times per week.

    My best guess here is that as I MAP i will increase my attractiveness to her and also will strongly lead the relationship (I lead, but I can lead better and I'm working on it) and sexual frequency will go up.
  • El_CapitanEl_Capitan U S of A Member Posts: 61
    edited August 2014

    Elephant in the room?

    Nothing huge.

    I guess the one major thing that bothers me is that I know that in her past she's had high sex frequency relationships in college (I mean I know it was college). Also she had a few years of promiscuity. It doesn't bother me that she's had this, it just bothers me that WE aren't fucking like mad now that we're loyal to each other / married.


    For her... I don't know. I know that at the beginning when we weren't in the same city and were mostly meeting up and talking on the phone. I didn't stop dating and sleeping with other girls. I was like in spinning plates mode. She just became the plate I fell for. I didn't tell her about the other girls while we were talking, but it came out later and I apologized and told her that at the time I was falling for her, but didn't want to accept it as we lived in different cities, etc, etc. I don't think she sees this as much of an issue because she sees me as loyal now. Though it bothers me sometimes that I didn't tell her the full extent of how many other girls I was sleeping with / how long it lasted till I stopped completely talking to other girls. So I have not been 100% honest with her, but she gets the gist of it. I'm not sure how much it would help to come completely clean, as it would only appease my own conscience.


    Another elephant, is kissing. We can't seem to make out correctly. It's weird. I mean, I've never had problems in this department, but I can't figure out how she likes to be french kissed and it's weird and awkward. Usually we just don't make out while having sex. We kiss, or neck kiss, but not tongue on tongue. Again, no idea what's going on there, but it does bother me. Sometimes if we are both drunk and or high (we both occasionally smoke) then it's like no problems in the kissing department and it's hot, so still unsure of what the hell's going on there.




    Leader?


    I've alluded to this above, but I'm the leader. Sometimes she balks, rebels, hamsters, etc but overall I call the shots. In public she always says to friends that it's pretty equal. I think this is more about appearances than anything, and she doesn't stress it. She'll just say something like, we work pretty good together, Capitan pulls his weight, etc.

    As I've become more and more aware of red-pill marriage and MMMSL MAP Primer I've begun taking a more and more active leading role in all decisions including what to eat for dinner and it really helps in developing a working captain, first officer relationship.

    It's kind of funny sometimes as I'll plan out a weekend, and we'll get a bunch of shit done, then Monday we're laying in bed and she'll be like "we run errands so well together" or "wow, we got so much done". Before reading the Primer and MAP book I didn't take as active a role in planning out weekends and what we would get done and things just didn't get done, or as quick. Now that I'm taking an active role, shit is getting done and we're on a rampage of awesomeness, but she still likes to say "we". lol. I'm leading this team though, for sure. Also, if all works out, and we have kids, I'm intending to be a working dad, and have her stay at home and do a more traditional family.

    It feels good to take on an active leader role and I've noticed shit-tests diminish or reduce dramatically. I think she's happy to have me lead this team of "we" :)




    The good times


    We are always in the good times. We are playful, laugh, tease, support, love, and hold each other. We live together really well. We travel together like champs. When on vacation we fuck like rabits. So the good times are all the time, except... I want more weekdays sex.

    I want to stress that we have a great relationship, and it's getting even better now that I've found this. I think that when I was in the dating world I had a tendency to be Alpha and that attracted her to me, then as we domesticated I fell prey to the betazaition trap, and failed her shit tests (so easy to miss read that and think you're doing the right thing by catering to your lovely lady, not anymore!). Now that my eyes have been opened, and I'm not afraid to be a masculine, natural, traditional man things are improving. Her hamster spins up here and there and she still rejects me for sex sometimes, so there's a road ahead which I'll outline in a MAP post, but overall the relationship is great, and outlook is rosy.



    Summary statement. Things are pretty awesome compared to most people here, and we have sex 2-3 times a week, I just want more.
  • MongrelMongrel Pennsylvania, USASilver Member Posts: 1,869

    Well, you're certainly off to a good start. All you can really do is MAP and see where it takes you, but I certainly wouldn't blow up a marriage over 2-3 times a week if that's what it winds up being. I'm 2-3 times a month here in Mongrel-land, so it's all a matter of perspective.

    Default Yes is achievable, but I think your MAP game has to be really perfected to achieve that.

    "If you're not happy with your life, you've got to identify why, and do something about it." -- Mandrill
    "Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
    Link to triage questions:  http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/


  • August_WestAugust_West New JerseyMember Posts: 127

    @El_Capitan You're still in the honeymoon, halcyon days, and you should enjoy them, but that doesn't mean you can't MAP and run a little married man game. It might result in the more frequent sex you desire, but sometimes you can't change a person's sex drive. I'm with @Mongrel, I wouldn't spike a marriage over the 2-3 times a week sex, but as you cultivate a little more self confidence and keep instigating, that might become your baseline. You alluded to children - do you guys want kids? I'm kind of curious what will happen to my DW and I when we finally have kids.

  • El_CapitanEl_Capitan U S of A Member Posts: 61

    I think that it's possible to up our sex frequency and quality. I don't want to spike a marriage over 2-3 x a week, but I feel that if I keep mapping and it doesn't improve at all over the course of a year, then I have room to push harder on her. I don't want to leave, but I don't want to have to constantly push for twice a week sex even before kids. I think if it doesn't get where I want, I can push on her and if I've Mapped hard I'd be in a place to then verbalize what I want and see what happens. 

    Yes, we are thinking about kids. I would love to see some results before we go down that path though.

    All you guys are awesome and give me hope. I know I'm already starting from a much better place, but still. It's nice to read your stories. In some respects I look forward to having a family as I feel I will be a good father (I interact with my nieces and nephews well). And it will be nice to be captain of my family

    Olddog
  • DaddyOhDaddyOh CTGold Men Posts: 1,589

    "For me, nothing besides some occasional porn use, but I don't like porn, so no addiction there".

    Not sure if I understand. 

    "How vain it is to sit down and write when you have not stood up to live."
  • El_CapitanEl_Capitan U S of A Member Posts: 61
    DaddyOh said:

    "For me, nothing besides some occasional porn use, but I don't like porn, so no addiction there".

    Not sure if I understand. 

    I can explain.

    I am not cheating on my wife. No outside sexual sources. 

    I do sometimes look at porn / masturbate. This is not an every day kind of thing though. It's a once in a while thing. I don't have a porn addiction. I prefer my wife over internet ladies. When I'm in a happy sexual relationship (as has happened in the past) I don't even look at porn or masturbate at all.

    DaddyOh
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300

    Work on yourself and see where you're map takes you. Sex 2-3 times a week is good. Really good. Try and build some more attraction then expand the relationship.  

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

    August_West
  • August_WestAugust_West New JerseyMember Posts: 127

    @El_Capitan try cutting out the porn/fapping. Seriously. It doesn't work for everyone, but I have had more frequent, pleasurable and awesome sex since I put down the 'tubes and started exclusively going to my wife for my orgasmic needs.

  • El_CapitanEl_Capitan U S of A Member Posts: 61

    @El_Capitan try cutting out the porn/fapping. Seriously. It doesn't work for everyone, but I have had more frequent, pleasurable and awesome sex since I put down the 'tubes and started exclusively going to my wife for my orgasmic needs.

    A few weeks ago I actually mentioned casually to my wife that I was considering doing a 30 day no porn / no fap ( she never was a prude, so knew). Anyways, she said she didn't like the idea. I think she instantly understood the ramification was that I would need to get all my release from her and she didn't like that. Weird I know, as some wives hate that their husbands look at porn. 

    Anyways, I didn't push the issue and I only mentioned it off-hand. If I do do the no fap / porn route I won't mention it to her. 

    It did bother me though that as of right now she prefers that I get some release from porn. 

  • darth_dreaddarth_dread GeorgiaSilver Member Posts: 21
    I'm in the same boat on the no porn/fap.. my wife doesn't really actively encourage it but she doesn't seem to give a rats ass whether or not I do lol. If you decide to do it though I'm giving it a shot as well. Strangely I think it will help curb my sexual appetite.. instead of whipping it out if I start feeling pent up I'm going to channel it into exercise.

    El_Capitan
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