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El Capitan's MAP - Want more frequent sex
El_Capitan
U S of A Member Posts: 61
Physicality and Health
Red
- I need to loose a bit of weight. I'm tall, but I could drop from 210 into the 185-195 range and I'd look a lot better
- Increase muscles - I have some gym goals I'm making process on
- Tons of coffee - want to cut this in half
Yellow
- need to get a checkup and T check. I think I'm fine, but just to be sure
- supplementation. I need to be more regular, have been lately taking my vitamin D and fish oil, this is just making it a habit
- Looking to buy a pull-up bar
- I smoke weed sometimes. Need to keep this to only with friends or on weekends. This is more of just a watch it thing. I don't have a problem here.
Green
- I eat well, go to the gym, and am generally healthy
- I started playing soccer 1-2x per week and that's great for all kinds of reasons
Money and Materials
Red
- I have about 60k in student loan debt, my wife and I have some CC debt, though we're working on it
- No impulse buys on Amazon
Yellow
- There's a few items we need to buy / upgrade in the house
- I make good money, but could be making more, need to make some career decisions shortly (I'm thinking about making a change or going back to school)
- Need to invest more, open Roth IRA, evaluate joint investment plans
Green
- Savings - We have a decent amount of emergency savings.
- Job - I make good money (so does she, I make a little bit more)
- Investing in marriage. We do this well. We travel, do date nights, etc
- We live a comfortable life in one of the most expensive cities in the US
Display High Value
Red
- No complaining. No whining. I'm working on this, and it's heading toward Yellow
- Stop all displays of low value, pass shit-tests. There were things I didn't even realize were shit tests that I see now and deftly avoid. This is more of a continual learning process. I don't play the fetch game anymore, etc.
Yellow
- Fitness tests and maintaining frame. I'm improving here and it's becoming easier. I still make mistakes, but I'm trending in the right way
- I may cook to often. Honestly though, my wife often works late (not in her control really) so I come home and am hungry and cook us both dinner. Not sure how to avoid this, and I don't mind cooking but I'm cooking too often
- Dress - this is a yellow / green. I've been working on my wardrobe for some time now, so this is also on the up and up
Green
- playfully dominant - we've always had this ongoing joke where I tell her she needs punishment and lightly spank her. She resists sometimes, but I know she loves it inside
- I am much stronger and bigger than her, so I pick her up all the time. Carry her to the room, throw her on the bed, pick her up and kiss her in the kitchen
I have a good job, I speak very well (have done public speaking engagements), am on the board of directors of a local non-profit, bartend sometimes on the side. I'm a fun, cool, guy. Her boss loves me, her mom loves me, her dad loves me. I'm confident and smart and she believes I will lead us in the right direction as a family
Been leading more and more in the small things. Like weekend planning. Picking movies. Etc.
Want to get a motorcycle, always been on my list. I'll do it.
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Comments
Relationship Comfort
Red
Yellow
Green
Personality and Preferences
Red
Yellow
Green
Sex
Red
Yellow
Green
So, what got me here int he first place was a desire to go from 2-3 times a week to more like 4-7 times a week, like a complete shift up in frequency. At first I was going about this in completely the wrong way (logic, arguing, asking, demanding) and then I found this site and it changed my life. At this point the original goal stands, I want sex way more often (I have a high sex drive, I mean if we could fuck once or twice a day that would be awesome), but now there's so much more. There's reclaimed masculinity, there's being a leader in the home, there's living for me and to be the best me.
I used to be like this all the way up to the girlfriend before my wife. Then I encountered a girl that pushed back on my Alpha-ness so hard she practically broke me into a beta chump, then lost respect for me. I got out of that relationship, so I didn't make any long term mistakes. But there were things I learned or picked up that I thought were an improvement over my old self (I used to be super cocky, and often very alpha) that I now know are not necessarily an improvement if taken to the extreme, i.e. too much beta. So there's been some reclaiming of the old me, but with a new balance and appreciation. I really like Athol's take that Alpha and Beta are not a zero-sum game or mutually exclusive. So now I'm re-upping my Alpha, but maintaining some beta, and my wife is showing signs of improvement and liking it.
Sexual frequency isn't where I want it. But I think I can get it there. If I can't, well. I'll have to think hard about pushing into phases 4-6 before we have kids. I think presently I'm in earlier phases and hopefully it will click while I'm here, if it doesn't. Maybe I'm not the right guy for her, I hope so though, I love her and I think as a family we'd have an awesome family.
Here's my triage for reference:
https://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/11937/el-capitan-s-intro-and-triage#latest
interesting things happening in the last few days.
We're leaving to go camping this weekend and so we've been doing some prep for the trip. We hadn't checked out to see if the tent we were going to use is good to go as we inherited it used from a friend. She was worried about it, so we decided that on Wednesday night we would set it up. So after dinner we hadn't set it up yet and I said, let's set up the tent in the living room real fast and then I'm going to fuck you in it. I said this in a cocky fun way, and she kinda rolled her eyes. So we set up the tent. Then I grab two pillows and drag her in. She's not that into it at first but I tell her to sit on my face so she does, then she leans over and grabs me (going into a 69). She doesn't give BJs very often and this time she gives me a BJ and swallows. It was crazy. She's swallowed maybe once at the beginning of our relationship. Next day in the morning she texts me and says, last night was hot! Progress being made here.
So last night we are finished prepping for the camping trip and we hop into bed. For months and months and months when we get in bed if the drapes weren't all the way closed she would say, can you close the drapes? And I would jump out of bed and close the drapes. I never really thought of it as a shit test, and perhaps it's not an ill-intentioned one but nonetheless she could do it herself (to be fair to her, they are closer to me, as I'm on that side of the bed. To be fair to me she could close them before she gets in bed as the light only bothers her as I wear a sleep shade anyways). So tonight, same story. We hop in bed, settle in, then she says, can you close the drapes. This time, I don't know why but I say, no. It was not the strongest no. Just like a little no. Then she's like, what? Close the drapes, you're closer, blah blah blah. I just stay quiet. Then she says you're not too tired, we were up just a second ago. And I tell her that it's just as easy for her to shut them and they only bother her anyways. So she huffs and jumps up and shuts them. Then she comes back to bed and tries to act all mad, tells me I'm mean. I just ignore that. Then I act like none of this happened and resume our typical bedtime routine, of pulling her towards me to sleep on my shoulder. She resists, so I let it go and start just going to sleep. Like no big deal. 3 minutes later she says that she's worried we'll forget something or the other tomorrow so she jumps back up and packs a few items. Then she gets back in bed, and rolls onto me, puts her head on my shoulder and goes to sleep stroking my chest hair. Next morning, as if nothing happened. All good.
I couldn't believe it. It was like, the curtains thing was a shit test I've been failing the whole goddamn time. And I was a little scared to say no, but nothing happened. Oh she feigned being mad and annoyed, then 5 minutes later she's on my chest stroking my chest hair.
Been a good couple of days!
I'm confused that you can have emergency savings and CC debt. Why not pay down the latter with the former?
Good question. So as I said we just got married. So we're slowly blending our finances. Pre-marriage I had no CC debt and a small amount of savings, most extra income went to paying student loans. She had some CC debt, no student loans, and a ton of savings. (side note, some of the CC debt was partially mine as we did an awesome buyout of some old student loan debt of mine - long story, but it was a smart decision). Having debt and high savings is obviously not the best approach to finance. So when we got married, we sat down and came up with a plan. I immediately had her pay down her highest balance and interest cards with her savings. She wouldn't agree to completely eliminate savings (piece of mind I guess) so I didn't push it to hard. Now she has a small emergency savings (maybe 2k) and the rest of her money after expenses she's cranking on the CC debt, and I'm doing the same. If we stay doing what we're doing now, CC debt will be gone by end of the year or sooner and we'll be down to a little on her car and my student loans (much reduced do to the awesome buyout I alluded to). If we then continue paying what we did to her CCs to my Student Loans we could be debt free in maybe 18 months or less, and all while saving a little, spending a little, living a comfortable life. (Again we both make good money, so that helps). I'm overall leading her in the personal finance arena. I've become very interested in Personal Finance in the last few years.
What was the 'sex rate' before you got married? Athol cautions against expecting things to get better than they were at their previous peak, though its possible.
When we first got together and around honeymoon it was like everyday. Maybe multiple times a day sometimes, but I wasn't living with her.
Then, when I moved in. We lived together for one year or so before marriage. Lots of things happened during that year that she was able to point to (job loss for example, she lost a job and was stressed about it for like 6 months till she got a new job) as excuses for decreased frequency. Anyways, at that point before we got married sex was like 2-3 times a week, maybe 4 if I was lucky. Right now we're in the same place. 2-3 times a week, but it feels like we're trending upwards.
I'm aware that I may not be able to get things to "laid-like-tile", for all my mapping she may not respond. I can't control her. But she is able to have frequent sex (pre moving in and honeymoon), and she is so far responding to my mapping, assuming a masculine, leader frame, and working out, etc then I can stay positive.
I mean I'd love every day, multiple times a day, but I'm a horn dog. If I could have 4-7 times a week I'd be happy. I understand that sometimes we will be tired, or it just won't happen, but if it's happening basically every day with an occasional not having sex day, then I'd be stoked.
I believe the correct line on that is that it is unlikely that attraction will go higher than it was at the beginning of the relationship. Quality of sex often goes up, especially if both partners were inexperienced. Rate of sex is highly dependent upon attraction, which can wax and wane.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
So you're suggesting that since at the beginning attraction was high, and we're clearly able to have frequent, hot sex sometimes. Then attraction is there on some level, so map on and I might get what I want? I seriously hope that's what you're saying
Had really hot sex in the tent while camping. It was phenomenal. Our friends and us had just gone to another lake that has some jumping rocks and we jumped off into the lake. Very fun and exciting. Like a 20 foot drop into a deep, cold lake. Then we hiked back to our camp spot and I said I wanted to take a nap, so I go into our tent and shortly after she follows me in. We start kissing and I can tell she's excited (to be fair, I looked later and this was day 15 of her cycle, mix that with the great outdoors and an exciting plunge into a lake and she was raring to go). Our friends were not more than 15 ft away at the campfire prepping for an early dinner and we start quietly fucking. About this time a wind storm starts to pick up and last 5-8 minutes and flaps the tent around which was just enough for us to get it on without our friends hearing us, but still hot in a voyeur way.
I think I'm making progress. Frequency is not up, but quality is, and our relationship is getting stronger as I captain more.
Also, I'm losing some weight and starting to get some mid-section definition, so that's huge too!
I've been focusing on fixing my health right now, and I'm losing some weight. Starting to look toned. Been supplementing with fish oil and vitamin D every morning. I simply put the vitamins right next to the coffee and tea and now I remember in the morning.
No complaining, maintaining frame. I'll write more later, but I'm making progress on me and feeling good. My wife is much more affectionate and is liking the progress I'm making (I figure this based on how she's acting towards me, she hasn't said anything, and I have not told her I'm doing this).
Sex frequency is not necessarily up, but I'm working on pulling right now. Just being fun, cool, calm, etc and seeing if I can lay off the constant initiations. Naturally sex frequency is going down, but maybe it will lower her defenses a bit.
Don't push to hard on the sex. Constant pulling pushes her away. Work on you in all facets and every angle. That is what will bring her closer
Into Phase 3..
Those Who Dare......Win. "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."thanks @fordsvt ;
I do want to post that I love my wife and want to stay with her.
I just know that a complete oneitis view will ultimately defeat the phases, it's a subtle mindset shift that allows you to do what's necessary to achieve what's ultimately best for you, and for her.
At least that's what I think about it. That being said, I absolutely love my wife, and want to stay with her. I just want to fuck her all the time that's all.
@El_Capitan I feel the same way. Keep the faith.
Thanks
@El_Capitan I though I wanted daily too, but I have surprised myself and found that every 3ish days is great for me. Once I found more stimulation and fun outside my sexual relationship, I needed it it less, YMMV
And Motorcycle riding can very much be a relaxing zen activity, but only if you can get away from traffic and just enjoy you, the bike and the road And buy the most reliable bike you can, not much sucks more than needing a quick squirt on the bike and the @##$ thing wont start/run right!
Updates coming soon
Doing exciting things like your jumping 20' into cold water gets 'em fired up.
We had some of the best sex we've ever had after I went skydiving. Mrs. Cart was wild that night.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
Updates.
Physical, I'm losing weight. Making increases in the gym. Taking my supplements.
Still need to book Dr Appointment and buy a pull up bar.
Money Materials, the biggest thing here is I've been considering a career change and / or going back to school. I've made up my mind to move forward on both. I'm going to begin studying for the GMAT, applying to target schools, while also networking and applying for jobs. I think the more momentum I get one way or the other will help me on this decision. Also, had a Schwab appointment with the wife, that's going well.
No major updates on the other points of the map, but I think focusing on physical and the career / job part will be my biggest wins right now.
I'm also working on OI when it comes to sex. my wife shot me down on my initiation last night and I was real calm about it. It helps to know that it's not a big deal, and I think it helps her to not get defensive. I used to push and whine. No more.