El Capitan's MAP - Want more frequent sex

El_Capitan

shitty sex today... 

We both went to the gym. Had a decent workout and came home. I was thinking she might cook dinner. I had something to set up on the new cable box and so I said, why don't you start dinner and I'll set up the cable box. I was thinking we'd shower later, and didn't have sex on the mind as she's heading towards her period and she's been moody as hell lately.
She says that she was thinking we'd have sex real quick and then she'd jump in the shower. I said why don't we have sex, then you can start dinner and then jump in the shower while I fix the cable and maybe finish dinner.
She then threw out this stupid line about how she can only do one domestic duty and it's sex or diner. She was trying to be funny, but I said how about sex and you make diner.
She laughed it off, and I didn't push this.
So we start having sex in the kitchen, which is normally hot, but she's not getting into it. I'm trying to change position and find something sexy and she starts mumbling, I don't like this position, and I'm getting cold. I say, I'll warm you up. But she's just not into this sex. I'm on the verge of just walking away, but I haven't had sex in a while, so I drag her to the bedroom and we fuck on the bed. It's not like she starfished or anything, but she was hardly into it. So I just finished. She ends up getting herself off. 

Anyways, she goes to the bathroom after we have sex, and stays in there forever. Eventually taking a shower. I'm starving so I end up cooking up some ground beef and steaming asparagus. Nothing spectacular. I cooked dinner two nights ago and last night all she did was heat up leftovers. So she's hardly even doing her share of cooking. 

So.... she totally skips out on cooking, has shitty sex, and then while we're finishing dinner I bring up a topic we were talking about earlier in the day and she blows me off....

Bad day. I tried to maintain frame, but we haven't had sex since Saturday morning and I get bad sex, plus her skipping on making dinner really makes me mad.

I'm working on myself, but she's driving me crazy lately.

Plus this who cooks dinner thing bothers me. I feel like I cook more often than she does, and when she does it's often something super easy, or reheating leftovers. 

I probably shouldn't have cooked dinner. Probably should have walked away from the bad sex too.... 

Ugh.. Should have walked away from the bad sex, then waited for her to cook dinner...

Thoughts? 

Angeline

She says "let's have sex before dinner" and you argue about other stuff? I wouldn't have been able to finish my sentence if I'd brought up sex before dinner. 

Katt

You're the one who made it into a "chore" by going over the todo list arrangements when she said she was thinking you could have sex before dinner. When wife says "I was thinking we could have sex now...", you fuck her then, don't go over how to divide the chore up afterward. No wonder she wasn't in to it; she brought it up and you start rattling off a proposed schedule which made it sound like you weren't that excited about her offer.

El_Capitan

Angeline said:

She says "let's have sex before dinner" and you argue about other stuff? I wouldn't have been able to finish my sentence if I'd brought up sex before dinner. 

Katt said:

You're the one who made it into a "chore" by going over the todo list arrangements when she said she was thinking you could have sex before dinner. When wife says "I was thinking we could have sex now...", you fuck her then, don't go over how to divide the chore up afterward. No wonder she wasn't in to it; she brought it up and you start rattling off a proposed schedule which made it sound like you weren't that excited about her offer.

OK, so correct course of action is:

She says Sex before dinner. I say yes to Sex. We have sex. 

Then what? What about her dodging making dinner? 

El_Capitan

What threw me was that I was trying to be captain and tell her to make dinner. She dodged this with sex, which is obviously something I want. Then didn't make dinner. 

This didn't allow for my brain to be quick here. I'm thinking I should have immediately said yes to sex, then after told her to make dinner. 

This dinner thing is potentially some power play, and so is holding keys to sex. 

BTW she apparently has a hair appointment tonight after work and won't be home till late and I'm on my own for dinner (she told me as we were going to bed) , probably should cook for the both of us, because if

El_Capitan

If I don't cook for her, that would be petty. 

I was in a bad mood last night after the whole thing. Still in a bad mood, she has no idea I'm pissed about making dinner all the time.  

Angeline

Why not?

Katt

El_Capitan said:

If I don't cook for her, that would be petty. 

I was in a bad mood last night after the whole thing. Still in a bad mood, she has no idea I'm pissed about making dinner all the time.  

But it isn't petty to do it and then be pissed about it but not tell her why?  That's very passive aggressive.

If you are unhappy with something your wife does or doesn't do, the captain thing to do is to tell her (calmly) rather than PA punish her for it while not telling her why.

Also, the Captainly way to handle the situation is to sit down and make a weekly meal plan/cooking schedule together.  If some nights are particularly busy, precook for those nights or put something in the crockpot.  But take the lead in making a plan here.

CartB4Horse

I thought the title of this thread included wanting more frequent sex?  SHE brings it up, she initiated it and you bitch about it?

Two concepts for you.  One, starfish sex.  When it's evident your wife is doing it for you or isn't interested in an "O" you need to pound her thru the mattress/kitchen counter.  Dig deep, find the inner cave man and fuck her like it's your last day alive.  This will be the "more frequent sex" you wanted while you are in the earlier Phases of your MAP.

Two, when you get a green light from the little lady take it THEN.  Do not wait for another time, your ship is sailing and you better be on it.  I've fucked this up multiple times.  I'd want to do it later, take more time than I had right then, yada, yada, fucking yada.  Know what?  It didn't work out later and I missed my earlier opportunity.  Don't be a Cart.  Responsive Desire is a wicked bitch and if she wants some it means now, not tomorrow when she's ice cold.

You want everything to happen right now.  I get that.  Chill out man, you are making progress.  Let 'er settle in and get used to the new you.

You got this.

El_Capitan

thanks @CartB4Horse‌ , @Angeline‌ & @Katt‌ ;

That's pretty helpful. I'm calming down on this situation as I begin to realize the part I had in it. 

As for the dinner planing. You're right I didn't realize till now this was a thing that we had. I'll captain up on it

The interesting thing about all this is I started last night mad at her, mad at women, mad at the work of all this (she has no idea I'm mapping, she's just cruising along). Mad at blue pill / red pill shit. Then as you guys talk, and I see the plan, the path. It makes it easier. Every time I realize I'm in control of my own destiny it makes it easier. 

I will talk to her tomorrow about meal planning. 

CartB4Horse

I've been there.  At first I hated it.  I have to do all the work.

Give yourself and your wife some time.  She gave you some love, accept it.  It took me some time and my wife telling me to understand she enjoys sex even if she doesn't orgasm.  It doesn't compute in my brain but I have to believe her.  It makes things easier.  I used to be a Nice Guy and want her to "O" every single time.  Now I let her worry about that -- And she gets HER some!

El_Capitan

so, some updates. This weekend went great! There were a few items. One was that we had a little talk around meal planning, working, etc. She didn't take kindly to it, but I didn't argue, didn't push it. Said we talk again when she was in a better mood. I thought I handled it pretty well. Stayed calm. 

Also, I planned for us to go to the synagogue on Sat morning (not something we usually do, but I'm leading us a bit in the spiritual side too and pushing to do Shabbat dinner on Friday night and go to temple in the morning on Sat). This went well, and I think she likes me taking a role in our spiritual life. 

We ended up having sex twice on Saturday. It was amazing. Besides our honeymoon, I don't think we've had a double day in a while, it was right before her period too. Besides Honeymoon this was something from way back in the beginning of our relationship. 

I also planned out some fun over the weekend, and also fixed her mom's laptop (got some bonus points there). 

Today, she's sending me a message on LinkedIn (lol) that I'm hot, and she wants to take me home. Just some fun flirting. 

I'm working on me, mapping, and pushing through. 

I know there might be some setbacks in the future, mistakes, and a few 2 steps forward one step back moments, but these last few days have been awesome!

 

fordsvt

Nice job on Saturday. Twice in a day is nice. 

Still the other day when you stated the sex wasn't good because of chores and dinner - too much talking. Worry about that stuff later. Take her to pound town. Forget the covert contract she tried for. Don't even comment when she says things like that. Kill the Hamster right there. 

El_Capitan

Major update:

So things have been cruising along. I'm feeling pretty good about things overall, and still riding on the high of Saturday. 

So last night I went to play soccer after work, it's something I've really been enjoying, and my wife seems to like that I play too. 

So I came home and we ate dinner. She had cooked. It was tasty. 

I flirted some while we were on the couch watching a little TV, then I got up and took a shower and got ready for bed. 

I came into the room and got ready for bed. She commented on my ass, I've been working out, and I climbed into bed naked and started initiating. It wasn't a super hard initiation but it clearly was an initiation and since she's on her period I told her to go unplug and I'd plug her back up, something funny like that. 

She seemed not super into it, but enough to go to the bathroom and come back. We got started and the first 1 minute was fine, then she started fidgeting. I'm not sure how to explain it, but it's little things like. I must not be kissing her neck just right, or her breasts are too sensitive, or whatever. It's little small things that should just flow but she's fighting having sex, like subtle sabotage. 
Then she tells me to get on top, but this wasn't a I want you on top and inside me now kind of a get on top, it was her ordering me around to make her position more comfortable. I said something like, why? or what do you want? and she said the position you're in (I'm laying on my side next to her, she's on her back, she's hardly doing anything but laying there) is an uncomfortable angle for kissing my neck.... I'm thinking, she's not into this, and she's ordering me around. 
I said, why don't you jump on top and get the angle you want. She said then I would be in control. You're the one that want's sex, don't you want to be in control. I said, do you want me on top and inside you, and she's like, no. Just kiss my neck (I have been). So I get more on top, and continue kissing her, but she's really not into this. I can see her almost fighting it. Like she's getting wet, and normally when she's not super into the idea, but willing to have sex by a few minutes in she's warmed up and ready to rock. This time. It's a struggle. 

Then she says she's not that into it. Sorry. "I don't know why, and I know you want it, but something in my head is saying no, no, no, no".... 

Pure hamster, I think. It's hard to OI in a moment like this, but I get up and say fine. We don't have to have sex. I'm super calm, it's almost trippy. I go pee, get a drink and come back. 

She's fidgeting in bed and says she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I tell her she doesn't hurt my feelings. If she doesn't want to have sex, no big deal. She brings up how it use to hurt my feelings. I tell her yes, but now I don't let it get to me. 

We have this weird discussion where she's super nervous, fidgety, and almost crying. She's saying she doesn't know what's wrong with her. She wants to provide for my needs. I try to explain that I do want more frequent sex, and complaining, pleading or what I did before clearly didn't / doesn't work, so I'm working on myself (did not go into details of what I'm doing, red pill, etc). 
She says she wishes she could clone herself so that I could have sex with the clone. (weird right?!)
I tell her that then I would love the clone more as that's the one I would be fucking, and connecting with emotionally. She doesn't quite get it. And I explain that having sex for men is not just physical. I can't just fuck the clone and then everything else with her. I explain that sex is also how we connect with our spouse, feel loved, and get closer emotionally. 

She says she understands and feels terrible (this could be a good thing, but I'm trying to walk a thin line here and remain calm and alpha while talking about very potentially beta shit).

She say's somethings wrong with her, I said I don't know why she would fight it (the no, no no in her head). 

It kind of becomes this premature phase 4 move. In that I mention I'm working on myself for me, and for us. And yes I do want better sex, and yes I expect to see this get better within the next 6-12 months. 

I try to stay calm, not get emotional, state that yes I do want more sex, no I won't be like I used too, etc. 

I wrap it up with some jokes about how I couldn't possibly understand why she'd resist my awesome cock, or something like that. She laughs.

Then she snuggles up hard and tries to be super lovey dovey. 

This morning, I get up early because I'm studying for the GMAT and when she get's up about an hour later she comes into the kitchen and is all super kissy. (not her usual MO, she might normally kiss me or say good morning and not kiss me, but she doesn't get super kissy). 
Then I'm finishing getting ready and ask if she's done with bathroom as I need to go in, she says aren't you going to kiss me goodbye, I might leave before you get out (needy, weird, not typical). 

I come over and say, why are you acting like this. She says she feels bad about last night, doesn't know what's wrong with her, maybe she needs to work on herself. I say great, but you don't need to be overly affectionate to test me how I'll respond. She sees that I see what she's doing. 

As she's leaving I tell her, cut the weirdness and come home normal tonight. 

She says, ok. I love you a bunch. and leaves.

So, overall weird exchange. Not sure I completely understand what happened, and I hope I handled it well. 

Any thoughts on this from the men and the women here? @CartB4Horse‌ @angeline @fordsvt‌ @katt  

Thanks guys.

CartB4Horse

What you just experienced is common, very common here at MMSL.

Let me explain.  You're wife wasn't interested in sex last night.  She's on her period, she just wasn't feeling it.  That's okay.

You initiate.  She's attracted to you, wants to take care of you, but she just can't get into it.  IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

You read that, dismount and show good OI (very good job on that by the way).  You used to cry like a pussy when this happened and she doesn't understand what the hell is different.  You should have STFU and said as little as possible at this point.

She know's she rejected you and she feels shitty about it.  Don't explain this to her, she can't understand.

This morning she was kissing you and wanting affection because of last nights rejection and your OI.  That's EXACTLY how initiating, getting rejected and having OI are supposed to work.  Now the good news.... She'll initiate tonight.  Just STFU.

Next time you see this take the affection and run.  She FELT the rejection, that was your goal.

You took a step on the early path of your MAP.  Rock on!

try_red_pill

Your sex rank is going up. This is making her nervous but her hampster is still in charge so she can't just up her availability to match your rank. Hence clingy, I need you don't leave me message. Keep mapping FTW!

El_Capitan

CartB4Horse said:

What you just experienced is common, very common here at MMSL.

Let me explain.  You're wife wasn't interested in sex last night.  She's on her period, she just wasn't feeling it.  That's okay.

You initiate.  She's attracted to you, wants to take care of you, but she just can't get into it.  IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

You read that, dismount and show good OI (very good job on that by the way) [[Thanks]].  You used to cry like a pussy when this happened and she doesn't understand what the hell is different.  You should have STFU and said as little as possible at this point. [[I tried to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible, but she was pushing it, I didn't know how to straight up shut up and say nothing, but hopefully I didn't say anything damaging.]]

She know's she rejected you and she feels shitty about it.  Don't explain this to her, she can't understand.

This morning she was kissing you and wanting affection because of last nights rejection and your OI.  That's EXACTLY how initiating, getting rejected and having OI are supposed to work.  Now the good news.... She'll initiate tonight.  Just STFU.

Next time you see this take the affection and run.  She FELT the rejection, that was your goal.

You took a step on the early path of your MAP.  Rock on! [Thanks!]]

Comments in your quote

CartB4Horse

I love it when a plan comes together.  Good deal on trying to exit stage left when she wanted to talk about it.  Tough to do because she's throwing a loyalty test at you AT THE SAME TIME.  Let her give you affection.  Your MAP is working as advertised.

And a hint.... It won't stay like this, she'll adjust.

El_Capitan

Thanks @CartB4Horse‌ ;

BlueWolf

I also had that premature phase 4 moment... not so much different from what you described. She was really scared of my OI( what I showed, was scared shitless inside ) But it was kinda stormy 2 days in our case when I really struggled to keep OI. After that she agreed trying to have a sexlife. Mapping on from there.