El Capitan's MAP - Want more frequent sex

El_Capitan

Husband2point1 said:

An example:

Her: We have a lot of laundry to do. And, I'm so tired. 

Me: I know. You want me to do all of the work. 

Her: I'm not saying that. 

Me: It's ok. I expect to do the work as the man and all. I know you like the vibration from the machine, and I promise to take you over the dryer but the kids are still awake. 

Her: What?!?!

Me: it's ok. I'm not judging you. You like what you like. I'm just saying, we might want to wait for the kids to go to bed. 

Her: That's not what I'm saying. 

Me: Ok. I get it. You're willing to wait. I'm sorry. I should give you more credit for having excellent willpower, that's on me. 

Alright. Either I haven't gotten to the place where I'm recognizing these fitness tests, like laundry, etc. Or they don't happen. 

Right now we're talking simple, tiny tasks. They smell like "fetch" to me. So that's why I'm thinking they're a test. 

It's that we sit down to a light dinner and a show in the living room, and she / we forgot the seltzer water. Rather than get up and get it, she says "can you get the seltzer?" Now we both need the water, as it's something to drink, but she's having me do it. 
Or, we just got into bed and she says, "can you shut the curtain all the way?". One of the curtains isn't shut all the way, I'm closer, she want's me to do it, but it'll bother her - not me. 
Or we just sat down to a snack, and she says, "can you grab the mustard"

Or the lights are on, and the movie started. 

Or we're halfway through the movie, high, and both want a snack, but she turns to me and asks me to go to the kitchen and get a snack. 

All simple, small things. But I think this reeks of testing. I mean to try to put it in another perspective. If I wanted something, generally I would just do it. I wouldn't ask her. If my mother wanted something, I doubt she would have asked my dad. I can't imagine a woman from the 40s or 50s asking their husband to get the mustard, or close the curtain. I can't imagine asking my boss to do anything of this nature. So it smells like testing. She wan't to see if she's in charge, or I am. 

How do I shut down a tiny thing though without looking like a dick? 

pornwidow

I'm reading this with interest, i have to say.  I'm guilty of some of this kind of stuff, not all some, and i never have had any agenda.  But what is most  fascinating to me is that my hyper alpha father does this all the time to my mom and most especially me and my sister.  Two examples.  Dad is sitting by the cutlery drawer, within arms reach, I'll be in at the other end of the kitchen.  Dad:  can you pass me a teaspoon?  He then expects me to walk across the kitchen to where he sitting open the drawer next to him and give him a spoon.  #2.  We are sat at the dining table, having a bit of a cold collation kind of meal, things are spread over the table and we are all serving ourselves.  Dad:  pass me the butter pw?  It's closer to him than me and i have to excuse myself to lean across my husband to pass it to my father.  What is that about?  I'm not a gigantic fan of my dad.  He is way over controlling.  These days i refuse these shitty manipulations more and more, dad likes me less and less.  It doesn't seem to just be a  "woman thing".  My dad though  was the long awaited son, it was like the second coming in my father's house when he was born apparently.  H was waited on by his mother, grandmother and 3 sisters.  Perhaps  it's just a case of pissy princess syndrome?

I'll only ever ask H to get something  for me if i have finished a nightshift or something or am just super tired.  I do the same for him if he is knackered after work.  I never perceived it as having an agenda. 

Katt

On the odd occasion that I make a trivial request that my husband doesn't intend to fulfill, he'll typically say something like "Yeah I'll get right on that" and, of course, not do it. 

I'm not sure whether that fulfills your "not sounding like a dick" criteria, but it is kind of funny when he does it...

Angeline

El_Capitan said:

Yes, I definitely pull my weight around the house. I cook, or clean about half. I may cook more, but hardly do laundry. 
I like the be light part, I just literally didn't know what to say. So I froze. It's like I just wrote you guys and that very night she lobs an easy pitch. 

So what do I say after I say she needs to do it herself.  Assuming she starts saying I'm closer, or she'd do it for me, or I never do things for her. 

"Nope!" is a complete sentence. 

El_Capitan

Angeline said:

El_Capitan said:

Yes, I definitely pull my weight around the house. I cook, or clean about half. I may cook more, but hardly do laundry. 
I like the be light part, I just literally didn't know what to say. So I froze. It's like I just wrote you guys and that very night she lobs an easy pitch. 

So what do I say after I say she needs to do it herself.  Assuming she starts saying I'm closer, or she'd do it for me, or I never do things for her. 

"Nope!" is a complete sentence. 

Big LOL here. I like it. 

Katt

generalzod said:

El_Capitan said:

You may look like a dick to her, IMO.  She's accustomed to a certain dynamic where you respond a certain way.  It may not be received well.  Serenity and Katt's advice to keep it as light/jokey as you can is about the best you can do.  Her hamster may run all over the place, and she may escalate to a very uncomfortable extreme.  Ask me how I know.  

If you're going to do it, be strong about it.  And whatever you do, DON'T get drawn into battle with her hamster about 'why' you said no. 

There's a solid chance she won't like any version of "no" at first, but keeping it in the cocky/funny frame may diffuse some of the tension (and, depending on her sense of humor, even make her laugh a little).  

I totally agree about not getting into an argument / discussion about why.  Just don't.  If she asks why, continue to be dismissive but again with a little humor.  I usually get responses like "Hey, don't backlip me..."  (Again he's saying this jokingly not with a stern or serious tone so we usually both end up laughing instead of pissy).  Don't give her anything to argue with, just dismiss it.   

El_Capitan

pornwidow said:

I'm reading this with interest, i have to say.  I'm guilty of some of this kind of stuff, not all some, and i never have had any agenda.  But what is most  fascinating to me is that my hyper alpha father does this all the time to my mom and most especially me and my sister.  Two examples.  Dad is sitting by the cutlery drawer, within arms reach, I'll be in at the other end of the kitchen.  Dad:  can you pass me a teaspoon?  He then expects me to walk across the kitchen to where he sitting open the drawer next to him and give him a spoon.  #2.  We are sat at the dining table, having a bit of a cold collation kind of meal, things are spread over the table and we are all serving ourselves.  Dad:  pass me the butter pw?  It's closer to him than me and i have to excuse myself to lean across my husband to pass it to my father.  What is that about?  I'm not a gigantic fan of my dad.  He is way over controlling.  These days i refuse these shitty manipulations more and more, dad likes me less and less.  It doesn't seem to just be a  "woman thing".  My dad though  was the long awaited son, it was like the second coming in my father's house when he was born apparently.  H was waited on by his mother, grandmother and 3 sisters.  Perhaps  it's just a case of pissy princess syndrome?

I'll only ever ask H to get something  for me if i have finished a nightshift or something or am just super tired.  I do the same for him if he is knackered after work.  I never perceived it as having an agenda. 

note the bold and italics. 

Very generally speaking, I don't feel like my wife acts in a prissy way or princess way except for these things. I mean she works hard, she carries groceries, she'll take out trash. Carry her own luggage up the stairs. In fact, sometimes I like to jump in and grab her luggage or do the "man jobs". She likes when I do that, I don't mind those things. 

What I don't want to do is be the butler if we're equally tired... now the tired part is a good one. Because on rare occasion she comes home really late or something, and I'll pitch in extra help. She does the same for me. 

This is 100% little things. I mean no attitude when she asks, maybe a slightly more cutesy voice then normal, but really just asking me to do the small things. I just think it's gotta be a test though, and when I do bump back it's apparent the hamster pops out. 

Husband3point0

Another option is to 'fetch' her back from a position of leadership. Invent another task that has to be done and assign this one to yourself and that one to her. If she's genuinely interested in things being done, then she won't complain. But, if she's trying to control, then she will complain. But, she'll have to own it out loud, rather than just think it subconsciously. 

Ok, I'll grab the water and you cut the kids chicken do they can start eating. 

Or...

Yeah, I will turn off the lights while you grab the blankets. 

Remain presumptive. 

Angeline

Probably the best example of A&A I've ever seen was performed by my son, with me, his wife's parents, and a couple other adults present. We were eating pizza in the living room (maybe getting ready to watch a movie?) and my son hopped up to get more to eat, and DIL asked very nicely for a napkin. Well, he forgot. He came back in, sat down, and she said "(SON'S NAME)!!!" in that sing-song 'I can't believe you just did that!' kind of tone. Totally legit to look at him in surprise that he forgot, but a bit over the top in tone. He leaped up, RAN into the kitchen, and came running back full speed. (You have to imagine the shiny wood floor for this next part) When he was about 4-5 feet away from her, he dropped to his knees, bowed his head, and held out the paper napkin as he slid the remaining few feet to her knees. There was a shocked 2 or 3 seconds of utter silence while he held stock still, head bowed, and then the whole room erupted in laughing. She sheepishly apologized for being snappy, and he apologized for forgetting.

El_Capitan

Angeline said:

Probably the best example of A&A I've ever seen was performed by my son, with me, his wife's parents, and a couple other adults present. We were eating pizza in the living room (maybe getting ready to watch a movie?) and my son hopped up to get more to eat, and DIL asked very nicely for a napkin. Well, he forgot. He came back in, sat down, and she said "(SON'S NAME)!!!" in that sing-song 'I can't believe you just did that!' kind of tone. Totally legit to look at him in surprise that he forgot, but a bit over the top in tone. He leaped up, RAN into the kitchen, and came running back full speed. (You have to imagine the shiny wood floor for this next part) When he was about 4-5 feet away from her, he dropped to his knees, bowed his head, and held out the paper napkin as he slid the remaining few feet to her knees. There was a shocked 2 or 3 seconds of utter silence while he held stock still, head bowed, and then the whole room erupted in laughing. She sheepishly apologized for being snappy, and he apologized for forgetting.

That's pretty funny

El_Capitan

Update:

Last night, there was a particularly nasty storm, so I drove across town to pick her up from work as a favor (i had worked from home). So she wouldn't have to deal with the bus in the rain. I texted when I started heading over. Then I called her when I was a few mins away. She tells me to pull into the alley by her office as she's wrapping up a convo with her boss. I sat in the alley for 20 mins. Now well past an hour from when she knew I was heading her way. 
She jumps in the car with a quick "sorry" like it's no big deal. 
When I call her on it, she get's super defensive and bitchy at me. I'm pretty annoyed for a while about that.

This wasn't a one off situation either. Frequently we meet up after work (as our offices are close by each other) and I always walk to her office, she doesn't come meet me. And she often makes me wait. I mean a few mins here, 10 mins there, 15 mins there. Etc. Always with advance warning I'm heading her way, and calls when I'm 2 mins away. Things like that. She could be done, but makes me wait.

I think it's a lack of respect for me. I think especially last night. I drive across town to wait 20 mins....
The excuse of the convo with boss doesn't stick well. I mean her boss is a nice guy, he's a talker though. So I can see how they can just chill and talk. But she has no sense that I'm downstairs. No urgency. And I know if she just told her boss, "my husband is on his way. He'll be here in 20, let's wrap this up", he'd be cool with that. But as long as she sits there he'll chat. So she chats and I wait. Bullshit man, not cool.

Ughh. I'm done meeting her, or waiting on her. No more.