On Parlaying Duty Sex...

Tennee

I've expressed many times, in many threads, that I don't pass on duty / maintenance sex for a few reasons:  crummy sex begets more sex which begets better sex (and I am recently experiencing this ); an injection of T in her is a good thing for her drive; and well, it's...sex.  I'm not suggesting groveling for a pity lay or anything else that contravenes OI here.   But sometimes,  it's just gonna be 'make it quick', replete with loud sigh and eye-roll.   I don't get mad.  I don't say 'boring' and walk away. I don't act P/A or whine.  Instead, I simply do whatever I want and finish by fucking her through the mattress.  I parlay 'make it quick' into much more. 

Example:  I initiated last night, after a day of stoking RD - sexts, drive-bys, flirting.  At bed, I get 'make it quick' and she leaves the PJ top on, won't take it off.  In fact, I get a mini-lecture on how she's tired, and this better be fast, and blah blah blah.  I A&A this by agreeing with a VERY SERIOUS FACE and "I swear, I won't even enjoy it at all".   This earns a little giggle.  We commence, and I do what I want as usual.  About mid-stride, she flips over onto her stomach, and I straddle her from behind, a la Dragon/Lazy Doggie/Whateverthehell this is called.  I like this position a lot, it allows me to play with the back-door some (still knocking, but I can't come in - yet), and I pin her arms down while on top.  I find this a very dominant position, and it frankly revs my motor.   She hates it.  Or, well, did.  As we're at it, I tell her to play with herself, she says no.  But a minute later, she's grinding into the mattress and pushing back with all she's got; the PJ top got lost somewhere along the way.  Couple minutes and Ka-Boom for me, and then she flips, grabs me for PiV missionary, and I pound like never before (and before I run out of gas).   She has a guttural, prolonged O.  Hurrah... 

I've been thinking about this some lately, and the differing opinions I see here.  Today, I read in @Maverick‌ 's MAP thread: 

"...I initiate, and she'll make some comment "Ok, I guess (like I asked her some huge favor)".  Then I start to go all caveman, and she'll refuse to take all her clothes off or any form of foreplay.  I'm making a resolution now, that I'm just going to walk away.  This is a horrible frame to put myself in.  We are either both in it, or we try again another day."

"I normally just take the starfish, but I really want no part of this anymore.  It's kind of degrading."

This really got me thinking.   I don't agree with the above tactic, for the aforementioned reasons.   I've have much success, and recently great success, turning what starts as boring/maintenance into some decent sex.  Now, W is pretty compliant these days, and what I say generally goes.  It's not starfish by any means (nor is it what we once upon a time had), I probably would have a hard time dealing with a corpse.  But you can turn boring into pounding, into nail marks, into Ka-Boom by being assertive and taking a dominant role.    I believe Duty Sex can be parlayed...

Discuss.

Scarlet

I agree with you, @Tennee.  While there is certainly a point where it becomes hateful sex, and that's just not cool, if she's giving you duty sex it means there is some level of attraction and wanting to please you.  If you announce "Boring!" and leave, you've now made wanting to please you a negative experience.  

Tennee

@Maverick said:

YMMV. I have turned what would be duty sex into her chasing the O, but it not the norm and its not for lack of aggression.  I recently had to back off because I'm actually bruising her cervix.  Sometimes, it seems as they resent giving in and do their best to ruin the experience.  In these cases, it may be best to walk.

I hadn't considered this, thank you man.  I forget my W is semi-Unicorn, she Os easily to PiV and often queues off of me...I have a colored viewpoint...

Katt

This is where the distinction between duty sex and "hating with her vagina" is so important.  From my POV, a husband rejecting or criticizing "Im not horny but I care enough about you to have sex anyway" sex is a very dangerous move.  Sex that is "offered" with resentment and bitterness is a different animal and I think should be called something other than duty sex.  

Monkeys_Uncle

I just don't want to have sex with somebody who isn't enthusiastic about the prospect of having sex with me.   Maybe it could be parlayed into good sex.  Maybe I could take $50 worth of pity money to the casino and turn it into $100.   I'd rather earn $100.  It just feels better, even if it takes a bit more work.  

Serenity

There are a lot of times when we start off that I'm not into it. I go along because .... well, sometimes it's just easier than saying no.

Those often turn out to be our best times.

However, in general, I'm attracted to my husband. For a woman who has no/minimal attraction to her husband, having duty sex with her husband can actually diminish what little attraction exists.

So ......... a good rule of thumb:

There's a baseline of attraction = Go ahead with duty sex

No/little baseline attraction = Only initiate on yellow or green  

Monkeys_Uncle

  TheWolf said:  Not initiating unless she's green is exactly how many of the Captains on this forum got into the mess they're in.

As I've discussed in some other threads, I generally only initiate when she's green anymore.   Instead of trying to initiate when she's yellow, I focus on moving her from yellow to green, and if she doesn't budge I have pretty rock solid OI (which stems from the attitude in my previous post). 

However, I'm not as high drive as some men here.  Enthusiastic good sex a couple times per week makes me a happy dude, and my wife's drive matches up to that pretty well under normal circumstances.  If I wanted sex much more than that, I don't think my system would work.

Katt

To a busy, tired mom, the prospect of sex at the end of a long day might not sound great to her forebrain, but once things get moving along, her body and lizard brain can start responding positively.  Sometimes I start out thinking about how tired I am and how late it is but once we've started, i get aroused enough that all that goes out the window.  But as Serenity mentioned, I am attracted to my husband and I'm also not the bitter nasty type who would try to ruin the experience for my husband even if I wasn't feeling it.   So attraction and personality factor in here. But automatically writing off sex that she seems less than ecstatic about at first isn't necessarily the right approach.  

hotrodder1951

A very good example of what the "Nice Guy" can do to improve their odds. You notice that she didn't say no and you turned it into something positive. Great job ! Keep it up ! A lot of us could learn from this example. Also, I think oer time her attraction will build for you because you are going out of the norm, taking a risk !

soa2005

@Tennee‌ ;

I share your philosophy. Duty sex, good sex, porn star sex, it's all still sex and it's better than no sex. There have been many times where I can tell my wife is going along because she knows I want it. Like others here, some of our best sex has happened during these times. 

"Pizza is a lot like sex, when it's good it's really good. When it's bad it's still pretty good."

Captain_Hammer

@Leticia, Are you using Responsive Desire in a different context here, or is this a totally different thing?

I thought Responsive Desire was the building of desire through constant Drive -bys etc.

Your situation seems different. This is more just taking her in a short period of time from lying there to turned on isn't it?

Reborn

@captain_hammer "responsive desire" in the sex research world means a person who never feels spontaneously like having sex; who only feels like it once the action starts. 

A good explanation is at http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/

which is a blog I recommend to everyone

Dia_Diana

Duty sex definitely can be parlayed... not always but it's always worth trying. Plus, if the one partner is very enthusiastic it's contagious. On New Year's Eve I was decided/determined! that I should have a very good time with H (superstitiously lol) so that all the year will be full of such time. I was all hot and... H wasn't so much in the mood. But he responded even though not too enthusiastic. I started teasing him, doing naughty things, joking(dirty)... anything to get him in a better mood. He got along with it... I was telling(ordering) him what to do, making really responsive moans and sighs to what he was doing. Me feeling so hot about him made him get very excited ... one of the best nights ever. On the other hand, hubby is more responsive than me. When I don't feel sexy duty sex doesn't get so good... but it's always better to have sex than not

Kheldar

Tennee said:

 At bed, I get 'make it quick' and she leaves the PJ top on, won't take it off.  In fact, I get a mini-lecture on how she's tired, and this better be fast, and blah blah blah.  I A&A this by agreeing with a VERY SERIOUS FACE and "I swear, I won't even enjoy it at all".   This earns a little giggle.  

. . .

Discuss.

In my reading, this was the critical moment. On his end, he kept frame and provoked a positive response - the giggle. On her end, she demonstrated some level of attraction and positive feelings toward @Tennee. 

From there, the rest was possible. 

Sisyphus

...and I swear, I won't even enjoy it at all.  Niiiiice!

Z_man

@Tennee

"I've have much success, and recently great success, turning what starts as boring/maintenance into some decent sex. "

I have experienced this as well.  When I initiate and get the "I'm only up for a quickie."  The success rate for turning this into a semi-marathon is very good.  Once the motor is revved up, the drive lasts a lot longer than the "quickie" initially proposed or envisioned.

Mr_Brown

Sounds to me like your MAP is coming along... She's getting out of her old ways and a little more into new ones! 

Way to go... A glass of bourbon is in order! Plus it helps with confidence and the duration... At least for me it does.

CartB4Horse

I've seen some of this at the Cart house as well.  She'll start off doing it for me and then she starts rubbin' the bean and then holy cow, that was HOT!!  We've even knocked one out in less than 10 minutes that was still excellent.  Go figure.

August_West

I have a much higher drive than my DW. She sees through bullshit and doesn't take any crap - if she doesn't want to do something, she doesn't do it - so it takes my inner-psychologist to bring her from yellow to green. If she is yellow or orange-yellow, I don't initiate aggressively, I don't give her an invitation to poundtown... instead, I coax her into the bedroom (or kitchen counter, living room sofa, shower, garage, back seat, whatever) for a little fooling around - clothes on, innocent, just looking for a little physical affection.

Then you make it good, hit the right nerve endings, touch her just the right way and slowly but surely you find each other groping like teenagers. The the clothes come off, and lo-and-behold she's not only green, she's gotten so wet her socks are soggy. Then we're in business. It works, I've had more sex in the 3 weeks since I've started MAPing and running game than I had in the 6 months preceding that.

dalef

Some of us came here because we didn't initiate; In my case, my wife had inadvertently played dread game; so I went into do nothing to set her off mode (which included not initiating.)

Redford

I agree that it depends on your definition of duty sex. 

To me, duty sex is when Husband wants sex, I could totally do without it, and I don't really feel like chasing an orgasm. I'm happy to hold him and give him what he needs, but I'm not an active participant.

I actually quite enjoy duty sex.  It's a good time for him to experiment.  The reasoning, here, is that if I forfait being an active participant, then, by default, I become his fuck toy to do with as he pleases. So, for us, duty sex is not a bad thing at all.  He gets to have fun and I get my Alpha bucket filled. Win-win. 

If duty sex means her laying there like a cadaver and obnoxiously rolling your eyes, that's a whole other ball game, obviously.