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Alfa and "acts of service" love language
AlexZ
MoscowSilver Member Posts: 164
in Married Life
I've read "Five love languages" book and it seems like my wife's primarily love language is "acts of services". I don't mind washing the dishes or cleaning the floor, but it all is a beta stuff. And I'm training myself to be the captain.
Is it even possible to mix some alpha-captaining into the acts of services love language? What could it possibly be? Do chores wearing apron alone? )
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I think it comes to you state of mind. Acts of service - to me that's taking pride in what you own. Doing the dishes, laundry, cleaning up - why does it have to be for her - or her job? My wife works more than me, so a lot of these day-to-day things I do as well. My take is that I am NOT doing them "for her" - I am doing them because they need to be done. It is MY house, and I need to take care of it. Just that change of mindset makes a huge difference to me. And when I cook - I take pride in what I do - trying new recipies, helping the kids try new things - it still allows me to be captain - and it almost becomes MY hobby.
H shows and receives love via acts of service.
He does stuff like:
Picks up frozen yogurt for me on his way home from work
Will go pick up 'collection only' items I bought on ebay
Does the driving when we go out because he knows I hate driving
Picks up groceries we need for dinner; he'll ask before he leaves work if I need anything
Makes dessert without asking, plans it himself.
Wow, that was fast and insightful. Thanks a lot.
Doing chores from "I'll not tolerate mess in my house" point of view sounds exactly like what I need.
We are both dog-persons so Alfa-sandwiches might work too. I'll give it a shot
Captain in training
My triage My MAP
Good thread for me to get some ideas! I'll add taking (better) care of her car to my list.
Last night my son asked what was for dinner. Wife was on her way home from work (I get home first). First instinct was to call wife and ask..... But I didn't. I made a choice to go pick up daughter from a friends house, get milk and OJ (because we needed it) and then cook up an easy to make dinner. Wifey got home to dinner on the table. I didn't pat myself on the back, didn't even think about mentioning it. All the stuff in the kitchen was ready to go/clean/put away.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
Something I introduced to our family is the motto "we work as a family, we play as a family". While one person is working, the others are too (goes for my child who strangely likes this). When we play, we play together (board games, in the yard, ping pong, etc.)
It's kind of cute. My daughter's best friend came over the other night while I was sweeping the deck and asked if she could play. I was going to say "yes" but she says "we work as a family, you'll have to wait"-----coming from a 6 year old was very funny. Cracked me up.
Great job on stepping up for dinner.
Both of you should take the Love Language 30 question quiz. You can find and print it from the website. I just recently coerced encouraged W to do this, I did it too. She was Acts followed immediately by Quality Time, which means she's 'bi-lingual' LL. Looking at her selections was interesting, you will glean good info from what she selected and what she did not select. For instance, many of her Acts selections dealt with time constraints or stresssors, not the general 'do things for me' type. I found that eye opening. That coupled with QT was revealing.
And Ditto to everything above about the Captain doing what needs to be done. As for 'apron only' attire while doing a chore one day......hmmmmmmmmmm....
How will you live well today?
This is what my covert contract was for years. Saying to myself, "Doesn't she even notice all the stuff I've done??" Then building resentment.
I still do it because it needs to be done and I no longer think in those terms.
Great thread!
My wife's language is also "acts of service". At first it was tough because she is an old fashioned perfectionist who thinks housework is completely her job because I pay the bills. When I know she's had a tough week or seems frazzled I will tell her to stop what's she's doing and go do something for herself ( pedicure, lunch with a friend, walk around the mall window shopping etc..). While she's gone ill do the jobs I deem necessary.
It would be terrific, but I don't know how to make my wife do it. Right now we are living as a roommates, her hamster thinking she is done with me (you are great, but we are just too different persons, bla bla bla - that sort of stuff). The overall tone changed from "let's get a divorce" to "I don't know, where we will be after a while", though.
I doubt she will do anything voluntarily to fix our relationship, even such small thing as a simple quiz. She thinks more like relationship just happen, not being build. And I have no Idea, how to ask her, without looking like her orbiter of displaying LV in other ways.
Well, I could drug her with Truth serum, but it would cause some legal and logistical complications
Is there any way to have her do the quiz in my circumstances?
Captain in training
My triage My MAP
I've been in the same boat. Wife wouldn't take a quiz. I had to figure it out, and when I did I realized she's an "Acts of Service" type lady. Look around MMSL, you will find some posts on how to figure it out.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
Whereas it's easier to be alpha with touch, or with quality time, or gift giving. In fact, I have more success with her response to gift giving that I usually try to alpha up those moments and am content with the beta that comes out of my acts of service. It almost requires more alpha across the board when you're not commuting one of these acts - which is no problem if you make this realization.
this is all in my particular experience with my particular wife. Curious if other wives out there get an act of service (let's use @TheWolf example of dishes) and actually get turned on. Not with my wife - she'll smile and say thanks honey.
I'd say there are plenty of alpha acts of service. Start with learning how to sharpen knives and move on to automobile maintenance on her car, even if it's nothing more than knowing how much time/how many miles things need to be done and taking it in then. When was the last time you took the air registers off and looked for excess dust or mold in the vents? Cleaned the gutters? The list is as endless as a honey-do list. The best part is that you don't have to wait for her to suggest things, acts of service people give credit retroactively. If you thought of it and took care of it before they had a chance to worry, you get bonus points. The key is ensuring she knows what you're doing without it seeming like you're looking for approval.
For example, SO brings me coffee in the morning in bed, (rare occasion, mind you). I never ask and he's already displayed sufficient alpha... It just hits all my buttons.
Daily chores do not qualify as an act of service (but it does hit my quality-time bucket if we do them together. So will a stress-free grocery shopping trip together with a stop for coffee/lunch.)
Act of service to me says someone's being paying enough attention to make MY life just a little bit nicer/easier. So taking care of the automobiles works, but not dishes (ask me how long it's been since my last oil change
Take note if she says "at some point we need to/should think about 'X'..."
"So it seems to me, that you can in fact, you can teach an old dog new tricks" - Jamie Hyneman
"So that's like a foursome every time you guys get it on! - Monkeys_Uncle h/t Katherine Kelly
I'll knock that out tonight when I get home.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
Last night I took my wife's van to the gym, so that I could fill up her gas tank and get it washed (it was nasty from a recent road trip). I believe I hit the act of service goal on that one.
Remember as Athol said the love languages are "nothing but a baby soft Beta". He further goes on to point out that it's right on point and it's an excellent way to limit your beta to what is effective, but still it's not going to make you more attractive, it's going to build relationship comfort.
I would add since it's self reported it can also be rife with error. I actually found this place after a couple of failures with these lame my favorite beta languages tests.
http://marriedmansexlife.com/2011/06/the-five-beta-love-languages/