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Frustration and Catch 22s
nyobna
nycMember Posts: 20
My fiance and myself are getting married in about 2 months, we just changed the wedding date few weeks ago after she freaked out about it. I am normally a calm, cool, collected guy but we've had 2 major arguments in the last week and I am at the point of banging my head against the wall.
Take this comment: I am home now and I am shaking and tired and not well. I don't have anything else to say because I don't know what to say. I feel really alone and like I am running a million miles and not going anywhere.
My response was to take a breath, cool off, and see how you feel
Immediate phone call, she made assumptions that I'm angry, insecure person blah blah blah. I just am at my wits end and never really been a position where I am this flustered!
I can't ignore her, she becomes 2x determined. Phone calls, texts, why are you ignoring me? I am in pain? Why would you do this to someone you love? etc etc
I can't speak with her rationally, why are you using that tone, why are you being aggressive (when I don't believe I am not -that then turns me into aggressive - yes it's a trap I fall for just don't know how to respond)
Random, do you love me during arguments? I could probably go on and on but the point is I can't seem to STFU, she won't allow it and will do anything to drag me into arguments where I revert to trying to be rationale.
Help please! lol
Sidebar: She had a very traumatic experience when we were engaged, very traumatic. I stuck by her, supported her etc, she is fine most days but she WILL use that in arguments from time to time.
Comments
we are still going through this though it may be a lull in the argument. I got a text" I would like your help in framing discussion tonight." What do you suggest? "I want to feel comfortable communicating" "I want to feel valued and respected"
I don't think I've ever told and stated otherwise but obviously I've been pretty pissed off at her. Any suggestions would be helpful!
Aaand...there is your elephant. You will have to elaborate on this to get help.
Your vagueness is not helping. Need more information. Has she ever behaved like this before? Is she usually a calm pleasant person with good communication skills, and this is just an anomaly? How often does she bully you with her emotional outbursts until you comply with her demands?
"new policy going forward. We will not have serious discussions via text."
You need to intetnalize this concept: "I will not be hounded into responding before I am ready."
Consider postponing the wedding and doing a course of couples therapy specifically aimed at improving how you communicate. If you usually are as inscrutable and vague as you were here, no wonder she sends you a barrage of texts trying to figure out WTF. But she goes all drama queen, which causes you to dig in, even if you made a mistake. Rinse, repeat.
Just think, this is you guys on your GOOD behavior. Fix it now, or forever hold your peace.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
@angeline ; is spot on dude.
All these alarms are going off.. perhaps you should wonder why?
Wounded animals are Dangerous!
Fate favors the prepared.
Sorry for the vagueness at first and thanks all for the comment. I was just so flustered at the time due to the argument, I didn't even know where to start tbh.
I would say 90% of the relationship is good to excellent. Sex is great, hot, she initiates, never used it as weapon. A sex life.
Chores/Money we are both pretty good about, split about 50/50, no nagging. Maybe 1 or 2 things on my barber but nothing I couldn't handle. Though she does make more money then me currently, I started my own business which while profitable is slow to get going.
It's just once she sets off emotionally about something she will NOT stop. I tried the "absolutely no discussion over text, while at work" and just plows right through. "How can you be at work while I'm in pain!" is a typical response. "I"m supposed to sit here in pain for hours while I wait for you to get home?"
So yesterday, pretty much a text an hour. The one originally stated was just one of them. My responses where 1 word, quick. She did NOT respond well to anything sarcastic or funny "Are my feelings a joke to you? Why are you laughing at my feelings?"
I came home and did everything to at least remain calm. She did not like that. Why are you being this way, where is my fiance. Be like you were earlier. I stuck with it and she did finally relent to a degree. I was silent at first, she wanted me to talk. "Say something" "Please say something" ....It felt as though we were getting somewhere. I told her that these emotional episodes take a small misunderstanding/mis-communication and explode into a massive ordeal which is completely unnecessary. In the future, when one of us "changes" to please take a deep breadth, take a minute and she must respect that to which she agreed. She then asked me NOT to be sarcastic or make light of her emotions. I told her I am a sarcastic person in general but I will try my best if she can stick to her promise. We shall see.
Currently we are planning on going out to dinner tonight and this morning she seemed far more 'normal' then before.
This is not healthy. This need for validation while you are accomplishing needed tasks would make me nervous that she she's not emotionally in control of herself in the slightest.
As someone who has had a LTR with a woman suffering from anxiety and depression, this all sounds fairly familiar - but, if you're like me, you have to rule out yourself first. Her emotions are out of your control and you are not responsible for them. If someone is clinically depressed and anxious, you can't rationalize or beta them back to happiness, and turning up the alpha can make the situation worse. Realize that there are likely deeper issues - including the one traumatic event you clearly aren't comfortable elaborating on - at work here.
Don't take this the wrong way, but does she have any psychiatric history? Has she ever been to see a therapist?
You're in a good place to work on you, and you will see improvement. Your relationship may follow along to a certain extent. But from what you've said so far, it sounds like she might need more help.
@savage this is exactly what I'm worried about. I DON'T think she can control her emotions at times. I think we are pretty good MOST of the time. But these episodes are somewhat consistent. And when she does Lose It, how should i respond, more beta? The good times are me being quite alpha and she doing a LOT for me.
I feel that my calm/relaxed attitude has helped her tremendously. She obviously looks to me for strength/calmness but I guess at times, especially at work where the job itself is stressful and requires concentration, I lose it much more easily.
@August_West She has been seeing a therapist for a few months now. It has helped somewhat as planning for the wedding has gone exceptionally smooth in comparison to some of my friends. I don't expect her to be 'perfect' I know she is going through some troubling times including a major falling out with her mom. She's had somewhat a tough life and considering, quite resilient, with a Ivy league education and a high paying job.
I guess my main question, when she LOSES it, what do I do. I don't feel like acting more alpha is helping as another commentator pointed out.
I would simply say:
"I love you, but this behavior needs to stop. The success of our future relationship depends on it."
But that's me.
You're gonna hafta spell the situation out in order to get good advice. Details. On the surface it sounds like she has high narcissistic needs. i .e. I feel bad and you're not here for me enough - why don't you love me?! And don't flip out on that because basically it means she's insecure and needs a ton of reassurance from you to feel value in herself. But you haven't told wether it's physical, emotional pain or what? Is she dying of cancer or is she emotionally distraught questioning your commitment to her? Describe your positive interactions. Triage for us!
If nothing else I say postpone the wedding until you both feel comfortable telling each other EXACTLY what you feel all the time. It's not always pretty when you're spilling your guts but it is so worth it in the end. In your future when kids and a mortgage are involved, emotional reactions must go on the back burner behind rational decisions. Not to discredit emotions because they are important, but you both must realize that they can overshadow what's best for your family. So you both have to work on keeping things in proper perspective.
$.02 yeah!
Ask me how I know. xo
I have 3 and 13 year old girls, married 20+ years to an awesome husband just past midlife crisis who's battling lowT with shots and I have major ADD. We are in a much better place these days mostly thanks to this community. Thanks all!
Reason I'm here: to better understand the general workings of the male mind and help husbands and wives by providing insight from a mostly sane female perspective.
"How can you be at work when I'm in so much pain?" is an irrational statement. What kind of pain is she talking about? Physical pain, emotional distress? You are still being vague.
However, when someone is emotionally out of control, they require strength to help contain it. Beta comfort measures only make it worse.
Not my intention to be vague, I just didn't want to write a novel for everyone. At work right now but will try to write more when I have some time. Appreciate the input, its already helping.
You say she has a high paying job. How is she at home during the day?
@_io We live walking distance to both our jobs. And as I said, her job is awesome if somewhat boring but they are very very lenient like that. Somewhat to both her/our detriment at times.
Until you fill out a triage, I am reluctant to give you any advice. It sounds like there are a lot of moving parts here that may require delicate handling. Please consider that without more information, you will not get good advice.
If you're having difficulty seeing how immature and broken this is, imagine this child-woman in control of your babies. Picture your 2 or 4 or 14 year old subject to this narcissistic battering, this belief that what she feels is more important than the people around her, that her feelings mean the world must stop to cater to her.
You definitely need to improve your skills in this area as well. Stop with the jokey, sarcastic, haha trying to cajole her out of these tantrums. Stop trying to dance your way out of it so you don't anger the bear even more. She isn't a bear. She's a bratty girl who has been catered to far too much.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net