AlphaZulu Introduction

AlphaZulu

Hello MMSL. I've been lurking off and on for a few months, but now I want to get serious about improving. My marriage went through some tough times. It's pretty good now. I want it to be great. Athol's books have shown me how to improve myself to achieve this goal.

An intro/triage seems to be the usual starting point for newbies, so here it is. (Sorry for any weird formatting. I couldn't get my word processor to paste cleanly.)

 

Question One – Basic Questions

I'm a 44-year-old guy from the Midwest. My wife is 42. We dated for 4 years and been married 15 years. No kids. She never wanted them and that was OK with me.

Looks . . . we're both average. Not sure how to pick a number, but we're well matched. I'm 6-foot and weight 160. Think: skinny computer nerd who tries to make up for his lack of physique with a nice wardrobe. She's 5'9" and 140. Girl-next-door cute in a pair of jeans. Put her in a miniskirt and I get a testosterone rush!

 

Question Two – Rule Out Medical

No medical issues.

 

Question Three – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues

No structural issues. We have 2 good jobs and a house we like. Health is fine. No drinking problems. No violence. I'm not really happy at work right now, but I am fixing that.

 

Question Four – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect

For the first year or two of our marriage I got sucked into advancing my career and playing video games. I didn't pay enough attention to my wife. She became emotionally withdrawn for many years after that. I'm going to say these are non-critical to where we are today because we've worked through it and we don't hold these against each other today. See the full story, below.

 

Question Five – Rule Out Outside Sexual Sources

No cheating. No other love interests. I get all the phone records with the monthly bills. I regularly troubleshoot her computer and phone. There's no hint of deception. Never been a story that didn't quite add up. If she's cheating, I'm going to be as impressed by her stealth skills as I am upset at her betrayal!

Back in the dark days of our marriage, (see next question) I turned to heavy use of porn. Anti-depressant-infused wife didn't seem to mind, so why not? I realized one day that I was gradually needing more and more intense videos to turn me on. This was a wake-up-call for me to cut way back. Luckily the marriage had started improving, which made this easier.

AlphaZulu

Question Six – When Did the Sex Go Bad?

I mentioned that early in our marriage I got sucked into my career and video games. I didn't pay enough attention to my wife. She didn't know how to talk to me about the problem and started to shut down emotionally and sexually. Blind to my part in the problem, it felt very bait-and-switch to me. When I confronted her about the changes in her behavior, she saw a doctor who prescribed some anti-depressants. (Her mother and grandmother were on the same medication, so it seemed like a very appropriate diagnosis.) She felt a little better, but the pills killed her libido and passion for life.

I get myself off the video-game addiction, but turn into a big Beta. Needy as hell. Failing every shit-test. We never fought about anything (this should have been a warning sign) because I'm doing everything I can to please her and the antidepressants make her mostly indifferent. All she wants to do is watch TV during the week and go to movies on the weekends. I sit through endless seasons of Lost with my wife-turned-roomate, wondering how I get us both off this island.

After 8 years of this, I hit my limit. I finally said, "I'm not living this way anymore. If you want to spend your life watching TV and movies, that's up to you. But I'm not doing it." I wasn't leading. I was just a fed-up Beta lashing out. She suggested marriage counselling and I agreed enthusiastically.

Two-plus years of therapy fixed a lot. The psychologist quickly diagnosed that my wife was not depressed, she just didn't know how to talk about her emotions or deal with conflict. (With 20/20 hindsight, we can see that this was her mother's and grandmother's problem, too.) What started as marriage counselling became 1-on-1 therapy. Wife got off the meds. (I could kill the doctor who prescribed them in the first place.) She learned how to talk to me when she's upset. She learned that I can be upset with her and it won't end the marriage. We fight through 8-years'-worth of pent-up marital conflict in 18 months. A lot of talking and crying. And healing.

After a few years, the counsellor and my wife agree that everything is fixed and she doesn't need any more sessions. In the times that I had attended the sessions, there wasn't really anything that I was told to work on. (The counsellor seemed to take the attitude that any man who was employed, faithful, and non-violent must be perfect. I can deduce from this what 90% of her clients are dealing with.)

But I was still a big Beta.

The sex became more frequent (once or twice a week), but was rather routine, especially compared to pre-marriage. I had this sense that it could and should be better.

Looking for answers, I found the manosphere. I read everything I could find, but it was mostly geared for single guys. I did a week-long charisma bootcamp. Then I found Athol's books, MMSLP 2011, MAP, and Pants. This brought everything into perspective for me. I could see all the ways I had contributed to our problems in the past.

My marriage is good, but I want great. And now I know how . . . I need to Alpha-up.

AlphaZulu

Question Seven – What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?

Amazing! Better than I deserved. Frequent, passionate, and adventuresome. My wife says I'm delusional if I think a couple of 40-year olds can recapture their testosterone-fueled 20s. She's probably right; I'm not sure 44-year-old me could keep up with a 22-year-old her. I just want to opportunity to try! :-)

 

Question Eight – What’s the Elephant in the Room?

If there's an elephant in my room, I'm blind to it. I welcome any feedback on what I'm missing.

 

What’s that one thing you really don’t want to tell anyone?

My wife and I come from generations of emotionally repressed family members. I'm worried that the cards are stacked against us getting beyond the current plateau.

I'm not completely off the porn. I've cut back to once a week. It helps me stay OI, but I need to find a more positive influencer.

 

Question Nine – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?

I manage most areas of the relationship. I take care of the money, bills, and investments. My job pays much more. My wife is usually happy to be included in the activities surrounding my interests. Most of our friends came from my connections. I plan some vacations, and she's in charge of others. She took the lead on a kitchen renovation.

She's a little sensitive about being thought of as a follower. Hates the idea of being expected to be a Stepford Wife. She's OK with the Captain / First-Officer relationship. She admits that she likes it when I lead, so maybe I just need to pay attention to my wording when I communicate.

Note I said I manage aspects of our relationship, not lead. I need to work on this. I tend to focus on efficiently achieving our joint goals, but not on making the experience exciting. For example, instead of saying "We should try that new corner-diner tonight. I hear they have an awesome guacamole-bacon burger!" I'm more likely to say, "We've had a lot of expenses this month; we should probably just get a burger instead of the gourmet meal at Maison d'Argent." Either way my wife would agree with me, but I miss far too may leadership opportunities.

 

Question Ten – Tell Us About the Good Times

Is it fair to claim that the best time in our marriage was a year before the wedding? Maybe that's an unreasonable comparison.

By all logical measures, our marriage is better now than it's ever been. I consider myself to be very fortunate, despite the rough patches. (Sidenote: I've been reading lots of the forum threads to learn from the collective wisdom. I'm not entirely clear what a ScreechTard is, but I am VERY grateful that I don't have one! lol)

I have it good, but I know that I can make it better. Even if I don't succeed, I'll end up a better person for trying.

JellyBean

Welcome! I can testify that 40s sex can most definitely be better than 20s and 30s sex.

Mongrel

Excellent first post. Nice to have another child-free couple's Captain on here. Sounds like you just need to tweak things a bit to get the sex quality you want.

AlphaZulu

Thanks for the encouragement @JellyBean! You've given me the incentive I needed!

@Mongrel: I read your intro and MAP. It's good to find someone on a similar path. It's even better that you're a year ahead of me! I'll read your other posts and try to glean some wisdom, or at least foresight!