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Intro and Triage - Comments welcome!
gamechanger
USASilver Member Posts: 10
Hello everyone,
I am glad I stumbled across the mansphere and found this forum and Athol’s books. At least now I know exactly what is going on and what needs to change in my relationship - Gotta take the red pill even if hard to swallow.
Question One – Basic Questions
I am 33 and she is 31. We got married 5 years ago after a very short courtship. No children. We match up well physically. I am 5’11’’ (145 Lbs) and she is 5’3’’ (120 Lbs). I would like to gain some muscle weight, but it just does not happen. She would like to lose 5 pounds, but she is fine. When it comes to soft skills, I gotta say that she is emotionally stronger. She is also very smart and independent. I am smart and independent as well but I need to MAP a bit and step up.
Question Two – Rule Out Medical
No medical issues. She is on the pill and has been for years.
Question Three – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues
Based on the definition of “Structural Attraction Issues”, I believe we are ok. I have a good job. I have been promoted twice since we got married. I have complained about my job and how I might have reached a plateau as an accounting manager and that it will not make me financially independent anytime soon. She is a full time medical student. I have supported her and her dream. We are frugal and sometimes we wish we had more disposable income. The only debt we have is her tuition. We got savings. We make plans. She will probably make more than me 4 years from now when she finishes residency… if we are still together. My family is crazy and that scared her at first but we worked it out and they are far away. No major issues.
Question Four – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect
Nothing here either. We care for and respect each other deeply.
Question Five – Rule Out Outside Sexual Sources
There has not been any outside sexual sources even though I look at other women and desire them often. The fact that my wife has not shown much attraction and admiration lately has fueled some of that I suppose. On her side, I have noticed how she has admired other more entrepreneur or social dominant men. It is very rare and subtle and is often framed as if she wanted me to be more like them. It’s the body agenda I guess. (More below).
Question Six –
When Did the Sex Go Bad?
Things started declining after one or two years into the marriage. I got boring, we became lame, and I can now say that I was a nice guy who lost any traces of Alpha. As I was reading the Primer, it felt like Athol was describing my situation to the T. Sex dried up and I complained. She agreed we had a problem and we decided to work on it (blue pill). A year ago, her level of interest in keeping the house and helping me decreased significantly. She started focusing a lot more on her medical school and school related activities. I respected and understood, but I noticed.
Comments
Question Seven – What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?
We were never like rabbits. We do have some good sex, but I was never very dominant and have to admit that I had better, kinkier sex with previous girlfriends. None of my previous relationships lasted more than 2 years though and my wife was the first to move in. At one point I have questioned to myself if she ever had an orgasm with me or previous boyfriends. She says she does finish. It has always felt different than other girls to me though. Not the same pelvic contractions I was accustomed to witnessing. I mentioned her orgasm felt different and she got annoyed. I decided to not worry about and accept she might be different. She never enjoyed giving or receiving oral, but she gives enough and has commented that she likes giving me pleasure. As her attraction declined, I felt confused and awkward. Now I know what was happening.
Question Eight – What’s the Elephant in the Room?
I am not sure there is an elephant in the room. What I have discovered is that I am less secure and confident than I ever been. After reading the Primer and understanding exactly what happened I think I even became mildly depressed. I have been showing some signs, but I am managing with exercise and positive things. The last 5 years have been bitter sweet. I have learned a lot of things about myself that did not help me. I learned I have a high S high C personality (not ideal for sales or management). I learned that I am a “nice guy”. I realized I will not be CFO. I realized that my career will not make me financially independent and allow me to take care of my mother in retirement. My wife is not religious and she told me in the beginning that she never would be. I have attended church and I would like to practice a faith as I know it is good for peace of mind. We will never see eye to eye there. She has always respected me and I have always respected her, but I have compromised. The negative loop has kicked in and I have been lost for a while, career, goals, and marriage are all hazy.
Question Nine – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?
We butted heads early on. Naturally she started leading more and I complied more. If I only knew then... She has mentioned once that she wants a leader and that I used to plan things and no longer do it. I became risk averse and predictable. She is doing an externship in Seattle now as we are considering a move. After devouring the Primer book, I flew up there unexpectedly last weekend and took the reins on planning the weekend and leading. She loved it and we had great sex. I did what I wanted and dominated the entire weekend including during sex. It took conscious effort but I did it. t’s funny how I alternated between hopeless and hopeful about the relationship.
Question Ten – Tell Us about the Good Times
My wife is great and I know she loves me deeply. The times when her attraction was high were great. I can see her as a great partner and wonderful mom. We have great times when we travel and we have great conversations. I have all the theory in my mind and I am no longer sharing weakness with her and being her buddy. I do have my doubts about the sustainability of my career long term and fear what will happen when she starts making a lot of money and start socializing with successful doctors (again my insecurities). As a side note, her father is a super alpha, wealthy, cool guy. She does have some father issues. They are minor, but they are there. Her brother is a big time bank CEO. I have to up my Alpha qualities. I am looking into buying a motorcycle.
I would like to hear from the Forum if I should stick to it and invest in the relationship. I seriously thought about divorce after concluding that because of the personalities I will be struggling all my life and would be better off finding another woman who had less expectation and who would submit more naturally. But then I think that I need to up my game no matter what. Comments are welcome.
While a career is part of the MAP, you seem way too focused on the appearance of being successful (which I think you are defining in an unhealthy way). Having a title and making a big income is meaningless if your job is a vampire. You need to do something you like and are good at. It need not generate six figures or sound sexy on a business card. Sure, that stuff is really nice, but it's not going to make you happy by itself. You need to self-examine what you want here without worrying if your wife thinks it's cool or not. I don't mean disregard the effect of a good job on your marriage, but you don't have a job or career to please HER.
What is your wife's career path? Is she going to be a doctor, nurse or ? If she's heading toward being a doctor, this will create some real issues. Her time will be very limited. She's going to have little time for you and/or children. You may need to consider being a stay at home dad. That career is very stressful on relationships. If you want a traditional wife and mother, that's not likely to happen.
The religion thing is not insurmountable; I'm married to a Christian and I'm an atheist. There's disappointment on both sides, but we work around it. It is another potential stressor on your marriage though, and needs to be considered with the other things as noted above.
Have you two sat down and talked about what the future looks like? I get the impression (perhaps wrongly) that you two fell in love and got married but never really planned out anything in advance. If you two have very different visions of what life will be ten years from now, you (both) may have chosen poorly.
"Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
Link to triage questions: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/
Thanks for the intro and triage, @gamechanger. It's great that you're recognizing the path you're on and working on yourself now instead of waiting until the future to take you in the wrong direction. I wish I had been as foresighted when I was your age. I waited waaayyy too long and that made it more difficult to fight my way back.
On the DISC personality profile you say you are S(teady) and C(ompliant). These are great traits in an accountant. You're right that it will be difficult for you to advance very far (even in accounting) without some D(ominance) and I(nfluence). Don't despair, though, because these can be learned. Trust me, I'm a big SC, too.
My advice to you:
1. MAP like crazy. Get out your spreadsheet and plot an aggressive achievement plan. Schedule something every day. Use your S and C to your advantage. Make rules and timelines for yourself and follow them. Consistently.
2. You'll need to work on your self-confidence (D) and social skills (I). Growing some muscles will help with that. A Dale Carnegie course would help. An Art Of Charm bootcamp (http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/10451/athol-kay-on-the-art-of-charm-podcast) would help. You can see the future scenarios coming . . . When your wife gets through residency and takes you to a party full of doctors, you want the skills, confidence, and physique that keeps you Captain Awesome in her eyes.
3. Get out in front of the problem. Have you ever heard this definition of a leader: The guy who figures out where everyone else is going and then runs out in front of them. It sounds like your wife has decided that her future social life is tied to her medical classmates. Once you have done #2 (above), then you will have the skills to not only become part of that group, but to be a social leader within it. Nothing will improve your SMV more than becoming the leader (in your household and in her social group) that your wife wants.
4. Your wife's family is full of well-connected alpha men. Make some 1-on-1 time with them and ask their advice on your career, your desire to increase your self-confidence, and your push to bolster your D and I. They will understand and will respect you more for recognizing what they see as your shortcomings.
All of this won't be easy. It will take many years. But it can be done.
Keep working the MAP and keep posting here. I wish I'd had the MMSL forums and the Primer a decade ago! With this much support and advice you'll make progress much more quickly.
Morpheus: "My beliefs do not require them to."
Does it strike you those are the type of things you'd do with your mother - not your life partner?
If she doesn't like receiving oral, then you could probably use some pointers. If done correctly, oral makes women go CRAZY! There are lots of resources for oral and fingering techniques, that will increase her pleasure and make you less predictable. I recommend "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner as a primer. Also, there are links on this site to "The Sex God Method" which will help with your mental and physical game, and in increasing polarity in a way that will help her feel more feminine around you. Women in medicine are forced to adopt masculine characteristics in order to fit in and compete. You need to find a way to make her want to take off the white coat when she gets home.
I don't disagree that technique matters, and it is entirely possible that technique is the OPs issue, but the assertion that every woman loves oral if it's done right isn't accurate. There are several of us ladies here that aren't fond of oral, regardless of technique.
I don't want to hijack the thread, so I'll take what you say at face value, and accept your premise. However, when I say "oral," I don't just mean "oral." I mean blended orgasms involving more than just external genitalia, also involving the U-spot, G-spot, A-spot, perineum (and/or anal area) with simultaneous fingering techniques, and techniques to extend and/or "expand " the "O" for several minutes at a time if desired. Attitude, playfulness, and dominance also play a large part.
@no_chump ; if you would not mind sharing sources of education...hit me up email gamestuff2 yahoo.com?
I always want to learn a thing or three about the fantastic pusoiu!
Fate favors the prepared.