Newb Just getting started!!! LF Guidance Info anything really.

TheBob13602

BrianC said:

Hello @TheBob13602‌, some background info for you:  This forum is built on helping people use the MAP system designed by @Athol_Kay‌, both his first and third books are very useful and full of tools.  Given your particular needs, if you haven't already read it, grab a copy of the 2011 Married Man Sex Life Primer, it will cover a lot of the basics.

The best way to get hep from this forum is to give us a really ordered data dump.  You already have some great information up here, but answering the questions here should cover a lot more:

http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/

Really, there are often questions in there that change all the advice we give, and so it can be pretty hard to give you more than the basics until then.  @seriously‌ covered a lot of what we can tell you w/o it.

I'll add:

• Get out into the Sun and get some cardio in.
• Plan a date night where you go to at least three places, each more intimate than the last.
• Start making long-term plans for savings, vacations, etc., and share them, be open to input, but have something complete in mind.
• Replace the gaming a few days over the next few weekend with some sort of family outing, esp. something where everyone is active... when daddy's little minions are happy, mommy is very happy.

Tell me about your relationship with your son - being the right kind of Mentor to him is Alpha Male gold.

I have 3 kids, 10 boy, not mine by blood, but I just adopted him, 8 girl, she is mine from 1st marriage Sole Custody for me, 3 boy both ours.
Our oldest, kinda takes after me he is extremely intelligent 130+ IQ, very gifted. I kinda missed the bonding with him, he was 3 when we met and then I left shortly after, he was 5 by the time I got back home. We get along, but we aren't close. My daughter is my angel. Been running into some serious lieing issues with her, over stupid stuff, she will just blatenly lie to your face even if you know or saw her do something say something and she will deny deny deny till she is blue in face. Nothing we have done works. Her mom has severe bi-polar issues. We are working with a child physiologist to see what exactly is going on with her. My youngest and I are tight. He is my little pal follows me around, mimic's me, he's just great. Mom kinda coddles him, but hes the youngest I kinda get it. All are fairly well behaved, other than the lieing we get from our daughter.

Cardio - I need to work on this, I truly hate running now, never ever liked it, but it physically hurts to run now, so I will need to try biking that I don't mind doing.

Long Term - been trying to work on this, I recently got a raise, but I am not seeing any of it, for some reason we are still paycheck to paycheck almost. I deduct 10% of my paycheck to savings. Right now we have my loser brother-in-law living with us. 20 yo, with a kid from a girl he got prego in HS. He dropped out, no GED, has finally started working here with a temp agency, but just dumb. I have no respect for this kid. Not yet anyway. So he has been dragging our finances down basically since I got my raise.

Replace Gaming - Ummmm, we don't have a lot of extra spending cash and the area we live in is kinda limited to free things to do i.e. parks, hiking, kids don't like fishing so that sucks, I hunt, but neither of my older two are into it. I would like to teach my wife/kids to shoot. Wife isn't really into it, but I will force this issue since I have a home defense gun in the house. 

TheBob13602

seriously said:

Welcome - I think you can really turn this around.  Somethings will move quick and others will move slow, but over time I think you'll get a far better marriage.

What kind of shape are you in?  Do you dress well?  How do you present yourself physically?  The reason I ask, is I suspect that this is less of a physical attraction issue and more of a behavior attraction issue.  

When she met you, you were a bad-ass, alpha military dude, weren't you?  Things changed though, she required that change (get out of military) without understanding that it would significantly change you.  She liked that alpha in you.  So how are you going to regain that alpha, without simply turning back the clock?  The Primer explained all of this for me.  I personally think that every man should start with that book.  Then the MAP book if you need more help.

I think that leadership will be a big part of how you are going to become more attractive to her.  First, you need to be the best version of yourself (physically and behaviorally), as an example for the family (especially her).  Then you become the alpha leader that loved in the first place.  This very well may include your faith.  I missed the part about being a preachers daughter, but caught it on someone's comment.  Having a strong spiritual leader as her husband will likely be a BIG deal.

As she becomes more attracted to the behavioral side of you, I suspect that they rest (physical) will start to fall into place.  The sex life will start to ramp up, and again, you will need to lead in the bedroom as well.

All this said, I could be way off in some of the assumptions I made, but based on the process, my own personal success (that mirrors some of your situation) and the success of others on this forum, I think you can be a future success story too.

Read the primer, post up a triage, and start working the process.

I work in a professional profession so I think I dress Okay. I do miss my Blues though, looked damn fine in those. I am skinny but semi fit, but still kinda out of shape. I came home from Asscrackistan 175 lbs solid muscle. My metabolism is extremely high so with not working our for the last 3-4 years, I lost all that muscle mass. 145-150 lbs now 6'2". I wasn't a confrontational person before I joined, quiet and shy. The military did open me up, was fairly confident when I met her. I was a natural leader, from what my mom would tell me. Not sure if that made me an Alpha or not. I did my job, taught others to do their job. I would say now, I am confrontational if pushed into it. I try to avoid as much as possible now, this is PTSD also, I either go one of two ways. My energy is high I blow up like neutron bomb, everything in my path is destroyed or I shutdown to the point of like...just bad that's all I will say on here about that. When that happens it is usually a build up to the blow up. It get's locked up up till the safe can't hold anymore. I love and generally care about people, I like talking to people that I feel comfortable with. I also like listening. I tell my VA doc, if I wasn't into computers I would probably be some kind of therapist.

General consensus I need to get and read the Primer also. Will order tomorrow when I get paid.

Scarlet

One of the most important things you can do is engage in a regular, physically intense exercise.  It's an outlet for the feelings you experience.  Is there a DryHootch (coffee shop for vets) in your area?  A support group for others with PTSD would be a good thing. 

TheBob13602

"Her mom has severe bi-polar issues." To clarify this, her birth mother NOT MY WIFE. My wife is her mom and always has been even though she didn't give birth to her. My ex hasn't seen or called in over 5 years. My ex once tried to take a kitchen knife to her belly when she was prego with my daughter. I had to kick the bathroom door in and forcefully take the knife. 

TheBob13602

Scarlet said:

One of the most important things you can do is engage in a regular, physically intense exercise.  It's an outlet for the feelings you experience.  Is there a DryHootch (coffee shop for vets) in your area?  A support group for others with PTSD would be a good thing. 

Thank You and no I don't think I have ever hear of DryHootch. I do see a VA doctor on a regular basis, yes I know a group would be beneficial, just not ready for that yet. I kinda feel my experience doesn't hold weight with some of those guys. Maybe I can explain what happened later on. Some may or maynot agree with my reaction to my experience. I find it hard to digest myself...

TheBob13602

Oh on a side note, I do use chewing tobacco, it is disgusting I know, my wife hates it. I chewed a lot over seas, quit when I got back, did good for awhile, then my mom got really sick, family stuff, going to school then, stress just got to me and I started again. I hate myself for doing so. Smoking killed my mom. I had to give her mouth to mouth when I was 16/17. She collapsed in the bath room all blue almost died that night. I grew up watching her suffer all of my adult life till she passed spring of 2013.

TheBob13602

TheBob13602 said:

Scarlet said:

One of the most important things you can do is engage in a regular, physically intense exercise.  It's an outlet for the feelings you experience.  Is there a DryHootch (coffee shop for vets) in your area?  A support group for others with PTSD would be a good thing. 

Thank You and no I don't think I have ever hear of DryHootch. I do see a VA doctor on a regular basis, yes I know a group would be beneficial, just not ready for that yet. I kinda feel my experience doesn't hold weight with some of those guys. Maybe I can explain what happened later on. Some may or maynot agree with my reaction to my experience. I find it hard to digest myself...

I started working out again 3 weeks ago, we bought a used bow flex for cheap. But this is my first full week, so far going good everyday after work for about 20min. I do need to write a routine out. I want my six pack back.

Scarlet

As part of my career, I frequently work with people who have PTSD.  A major tenant of the support group is that everyone's experience counts.  Competition between the "reasons" for PTSD is not allowed.  Please at least go to a support group.  You don't even have to talk at first.  They'll understand.  Just go and sit and listen. 

Tiger

TheBob13602 said:

My daughter is my angel. Been running into some serious lieing issues with her, over stupid stuff, she will just blatenly lie to your face even if you know or saw her do something say something and she will deny deny deny till she is blue in face. Nothing we have done works.

What are the consequences to her of lying? What are the benefits she receives by telling the truth?  Are those consequences both positive and negative clear to her?  If not, how can you make them more clear.

I think the place to start is to assume that this behavior is a choice for her, and she's making it rationally because she believes that telling people what they want to hear will result in a better outcome for her than telling them the truth which is uncomfortable for whatever reason.  Don't beat her over the head and try to fix this in one fell swoop, instead use slow steady relentless pressure.

Make her life measurably worse when she lies and measurablly better when she tells the truth.  Praise her for telling the truth even when she is telling you about a way that she screwed up.

"I'm not happy that you did X, but I am very proud that you owned up to your behavior and told me the truth."

6 months if forever to an 8 year old.  If you can be consistent about these kinds of positive and negative consequences for 6 months you'll be shocked at the turn around in her behavior.

TheBob13602

TRIAGE-

Question One – Basic Questions

How old are you and your spouse? When did you get married? How long have you been together? Do you have children, if so, how old?

Realistically, how hot are each of you? How tall? How much do you guys weigh?

Me 30 W 30  Married 2010 together 7 years 3 kids 10/8/3

She is pretty, slim 110 lbs 5'2" small boobs, nice ass, not super model hot but pretty

I think I am a decent looking man 150lbs tall slim. toned/fit.

Question Two – Rule Out Medical

This is a tough one. I have PTSD. As far we know nothing physically/mentally wrong with my wife. Possibly a low T issue with her or low Progesterone. She tests normal, but what is normal for her? She has had a test done recently. Changed BC pills also to a lower dose, she now isn't having 1-4 periods a month anymore.  

Question Three – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues

Neither of us are over weight, own both cars paid for, some debt credit/student loan/house. We are kind of paycheck to paycheck. Single income family of 5 + 3 dogs. Not sure of anything else in this area

Question Four – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect

I do play games, have been working on this. I work full time, and I work with computers. This is a really tough issue for me because of my career. I hold her on a high, respect her, and I don't let anyone talk bad about her, even though I know and she knows she can be a bitch. Before we were married, right after I got back from deployment, I told her she sucked in bed and compared her to my ex, who was a freak in bed. Bad move on my part, we have talked about this in the past few months when we both realized there was a problem. But I did flat out tell her she wasn't good in bed. Her family I take it never talked about sex. My mother talked about it with me when I was old enough, she didn't get into detail but I have always thought I have been a good lover in bed. I try to take care of my partners needs, that's how I enjoy it.

Question Five – Rule Out Outside Sexual Sources

She isn't the type and neither am I, but for some strange reason part of almost wishes she would....Is that strange...I don't but do.... I don't know really. I have looked at call logs, I trust her completely. I do MB, not addicted to porn, but not going to say I don't watch it either def. not on a regular basis.

I could have in the past. Almost did / wanted to. I just couldn't and can't. I saw what happened to my parents. I don't want to put my kids through that. My parents never really worked through it.

Question Six – When Did the Sex Go Bad?

It hasn't ever been "really good". We didn't have the honey mooner's aspect we each had a kid when we were married.

Question Seven – What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?

see above - we have sex, she says she is satisfied but it's like she is holding back. Or maybe I am doing something wrong.

Question Eight – What’s the Elephant in the Room?

? not sure.... I was molested as a teenager, one time, not sure even sure if that's what truely happened. Also when I was younger a neighbor girl touched me, I was 7/8 maybe or younger, she would have been 6 years older than I. I got spanked for showing my stuff, I don't really remember what happened. I think of it as it was innocent play. The girl is my sister's age and she is 6 years older than I so that's were that comes from. But she wasn't 16, we were young. I don't remember why I was spanked for it.
Not sure about my wife. I have asked about her, she told nothing of significance along those lines. 
Her mom walked out on their family at one point. I know MIL has bi-polar issues that she medicates for. She just up and left one day leaving my wife alone with her 2 younger brothers when she was a young teenager.

Question Nine – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?

I pay the bills, money, care for house lawn, she takes charge on pretty much everything else. We do both, kinda but heads over kids etc...

Question Ten – Tell Us About the Good Times

Hmm, this is tough. We had a short dating period before I deployed. I kinda felt pressured to marry her. We bought a house together, then deployed, she took care of my daughter, but would tell me I better put a ring on her finger or she wasn't sticking around. Got prego 6 months after getting married, right about the time my PTSD started to flair up. I was opposed to her getting pregnant. I honestly didn't think our marriage would make it. I wanted to go to school, get a decent job before we did this. I don't regret this at all I love my children very much.

Tiger

TheBob13602 said:

Oh on a side note, I do use chewing tobacco, it is disgusting I know, my wife hates it. I chewed a lot over seas, quit when I got back, did good for awhile, then my mom got really sick, family stuff, going to school then, stress just got to me and I started again. I hate myself for doing so.

This is a glaring red area for you it brings negative energy to you and your family, find it within yourself to be the person that you want to be.

Tell your wife you'd rather use sex as a stress reliever from now on  

Mongrel

You asked about the 'good girl' threads. Here's one:  http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/11105/getting-past-the-good-girl/p1
There are more. There is a search box in the upper right corner. It works reasonably well, though sometimes I can't find stuff.

TheBob13602

Mongrel said:

You asked about the 'good girl' threads. Here's one:  http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/11105/getting-past-the-good-girl/p1
There are more. There is a search box in the upper right corner. It works reasonably well, though sometimes I can't find stuff.

Thanks, Great read on some of those. My thing with the wife is, she doesn't really give me any feedback. Like we tried a toy, she says it's okay, I clearly know she enjoyed it, she came all over the toy had several massive O's but then is like eh it was okay, I like you. Also she says she doesn't have fantasies, but then she will tell me about a sex dream she had. She is also totally into Johnny Depp owns every movie hes been it. I am like what if JD walked through that door right now and wanted to do you. I would totally let that happen..... Nope....nothing from her on that. I have explained some of mine to her. One she has used to kinda throw it back in my face and make me regret even telling her about it.

Mongrel

Actions speak louder than words. My wife would probably respond the exact same way to the toy (I've been meaning to add one). Mrs M is into light bondage and I've bought 'equipment' for her. She never says much about it, but her orgasms speak volumes, lol.

Mrs M is also into Johnny Depp (particularly as the pirate), Liam Neeson, George Clooney and so on. I've also brought up that "If he wanted to have sex with you" question and she always says no. Females don't respond the same way to that as we men do. Men look at every woman and mentally rate her for what I call 'bang-ability'. Women look at men...differently. It doesn't mean there's anything odd about your wife. Women are (shocker!) different.

There is an interactive questionnaire on a web site called 'mojo upgrade'. I tried getting the link but it seems to be down (or gone?) at the moment. Google will find it for you. Each one of you fills it out independently, then you can compare answers to see what things you both may like. It's a neat tool, and it actually taught me a few surprising things about Mrs M. But!  I don't know that you are quite ready for this in your relationship. Too much talking about sex is a turn-off, and you may not be in a place yet where this will be effective. Just stick it in your back pocket for now.

Scarlet

"Like we tried a toy, she says it's okay, I clearly know she enjoyed it, she came all over the toy had several massive O's but then is like eh it was okay, I like you."

She likely found the question embarrassing.  Responding in the moment is very, very different from verbalizing something afterwards.  Next time don't ask.  Don't put her on the spot like that, because you won't get the answer you want.  You know she liked it from her response in bed, so what more do you need to know? 

TheBob13602

I have see it, but also I think that site is down. Thanks for the insight.  How did you figure out the light bondage thing, just trial and error. I kinda get thing from W that she may be into something like that. She leaves claw marks on myself, bleeding sometimes. Bite marks, she likes light nibbling but tells me she doesn't like boob play. Yet when we are into it, she will sometimes move my hand to a breast to squeeze it, rather hard sometimes. I have slightly tried spanking her ass in D style, but I am also reserved about causing her pain. Also how is the best way to track her cycle to know the premium times.... I have read on here about this. Also, she used to let me try with a small toy and DP her(very rare), but now she won't even let me run on her brown eye...sometimes she will let it until I start to apply pressure to the area then she grabs my hand. Should I just keep trying every now and then.

TheBob13602

Hopefully my book comes in today or tomorrow form amazon.

TheBob13602

Also how important is going to bed at the same time; sleeping in the same bed...etc.. I have a back problem that IS aggravated by our shitty bed. I have a bulging disc in my lower back, probably from my deployment but hard to prove. I also am an insomniac, so most times when she goes to bed around 10, I can't or I just lay there sometimes all night long. I am usually ready for bed around 1-2 am. 4-6 hours of sleep is good for me. So typically I will try to iniate after our oldest is in bed after 9 but my BIL staying with us temporarily has put a major hold on this, also her bralessness has gone away. I can understand why she doesn't with her brother around. She has made a comment about our son hitting that age soon. I told her that shouldn't be an issue and probably would be good for him, to see how a women should be act with their husband... Am I thinking in the right direction about this. Also I will need to be having "The Talk" with my son soon not sure how to go about that. I have 2 older brothers with grown and teen boys, but not sure we see eye to eye on sex and things. I wasn't ever really explained any of this as a boy. I figured it out on my own, trial and error, and losing my virginity when I was 16.

Scarlet

Don't even think about trying light bondage or D/s right now.  Fix your marriage. 

Heads up:  That topic is off-limits on the forum. 

TheBob13602

Scarlet said:

Don't even think about trying light bondage or D/s right now.  Fix your marriage. 

Heads up:  That topic is off-limits on the forum. 

I know, I am just digging. I love to read, usually.