Sex life after having your first child

AnonJohn

WillK said:

We have 2, youngest turns 6 in one month, the oldest turned 7 a month ago. So the first months after pregnancy are a timeline of the distant past. But when the sex life gets back in gear, the first year or so you can get sex during the day, so it's not until the child can come in on you and isn't napping that it gets harder to get sex.

 

Long story short, I don't think the time right after the pregnancy is the worst of it.

 

At the point we're at, we have to have sex after the kids go to bed, when we can get them both out of hte house on playdates, and rarely we risk it in the morning... The kids are supposed to stay in bed until 6:30 but often will try to get up before 6.

my first two kids are about the same age.  7 and six in a couple of weeks.  

and when new wife and i want to have sex while they are home, we just go into the bedroom and shut the door

cant you do that?

chemteach

Notelrac said:

"what are some ways you upped the alpha in the first year?"
Staying home with the baby while she goes out is beta. 
Taking the the baby out for 3-4 hours without your wife is Alpha. 

Ponyboy said:

But you can also be alpha while being beta.

For example, she will be tired, she will forget what it's like to feel like an individual with a baby attached to her or needing her so much.

Tell her your taking the kid for a few hours and send her off to do something that she enjoys.  Like a massage or yoga or whatever.

It's alpha to set it up for her and send her off, beta to care for her and the kids.  It's a double whammy and was a real winner for me after kid number one and kid number two.

Thanks @Notelrac and @Ponyboy, you nailed exactly the kind of ideas I'm looking for, any more tips?

@Sarah, @Purple and @RedPillWifey, I totally agree with you about using a carrier.  On the recommendation of a friend, we're getting a Biko.  Any experience/opinions on that brand?

PhoenixDown

Do you mean Beco? If so, those are awesome too I've never owned one, but I have friends that recommend them.

Notelrac

Another idea?  Hire some help.  Extended families used to have lots of women around to caretake babies; it's too much to expect one mother to be on call 24/7.  Especially bad is the time between 3:30pm and 6:30pm, nicknamed "the arsenic hours".  The child is getting cranky at the same time as most mothers run out of energy from not enough sleep.  Add in the mother's stress over getting the house clean and dinner cooked and the result is a lot of meltdowns when the husband walks through the door.

Interview 13-17 year old girls from troubled families who lives within walking distance, and offer them $xxx/week to come to the house for two hours M-F, and a four hour block on the weekends.  Find out what the hourly babysitting rate is in your area, and offer 1/2 of that times 15 hours.  They will take your flat rate, because it is guaranteed steady income, leaves their evenings free for dating, and gets them away from their own dysfunctional home life.  If they and your wife click, they will be over at your place far more hours -- but keep paying them the same flat rate...

Ponyboy

Ok more suggestions...  I lived this for awhile and went way over on the beta so I like to think I have some good tidbits since I managed to turn it around, but every woman is different so do what you think is best.

All the stuff you will hear from the "professionals" about what you can do for Mom is all beta beta beta.  It doesn't mean it shouldn't be done, nor does it mean that they are wrong, Mom does need a lot of help, especially at first.

But don't forget the Alpha balance.  

-Make decisions, take that out of her hands.  Obviously if there are decisions that need to be made together, do them together (like naming the kid).  But make decisions on family activities for example.  "Let's pack him up and go for a walk"  If she doesn't want to, then you pack him up and take him for a walk.

-Limit visitors.  I hate to say it, I screwed this up.  But don't allow her to have a lot of visitors at first.  She will be tired, and everyone will want to come see her and the baby.  Make that call and limit the amount of visitors in a day.

-Take ownership for the care of the baby.  A lot of Moms tend to take the lead and tell Dad what to do.  Dad ends up being useless and is always asking Mom "should he be fed?"  "when does he nap"?  Take ownership on your own, make those decisions on your own.

-Don't let her mother you.  She will be in Mom mode, make sure you are looking after your own shit, don't allow her to mother you too.  No one wants to bang someone they are mothering.  

I dunno, in the end, help her out up the beta for sure, but just keep the alpha in the back of your mind.  You still want to be a leader.

myrtle

I had four kids, and every time I ignored the screaming youngster and the chunks of gunk falling out of my uterus and had sex at two weeks PP, which is dumb for numerous reasons, but horniness is the nemesis of smartness and proper motherliness. Caught hell from the midwife later. Why'd i do it? Cause my guy was hot. Those were good, simple, womderful times. It seemed nothing could ever go wrong with us. Be hot. And sweet. But mostly hot. I breastfed four kids, a year apiece. and fucked my husband like a madwoman for seven years. THEN the bottom fell out. I'd say six months is an absolute maximum for things not to be up to speed, hormonally/sleepwise... you dont need to be a martyr to be a good parent and if things are not working, CHANGE THEM! unfortunately for you it sounds like she's already losing interest, though.

chemteach

Purple said:

I'm also guessing you mean a Beco - I've not heard of a Biko -- I hear wonderful things about the Beco and actually looked into getting one myself! I ended up with a woven wrap - but the Beco and the Ergo are the top 2 soft structured carriers that I hear about. Lots of positive reviews!

Um, yea, I was thinking of a Beco.  That's what I get for listening to my Canadian friends without looking up the real spelling. ">

chemteach

Notelrac said:

Another idea?  Hire some help.  Extended families used to have lots of women around to caretake babies; it's too much to expect one mother to be on call 24/7. 

We are planning to hire an au pair after the first year once she goes back to work.  Letting the helper live with us will save a lot of money and 30-40 hrs/week of help will really take the stress off two working parents.