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New to the forums
CapnRedBeard
The EtherSilver Member Posts: 37
Hello, as the title states i am a new member of the forums but I have been lurking for about two weeks now.
Im here for the same reason as about 99% of everyone else, lack of sexual intimacy in my relationship. This is a really big issue for me since I'm 23 with a very high sex drive and just had a child with my girlfriend of nearly 10 years (with a couple breakups here and there).
I just received the MMSLP and the MAP books via usps yesterday morning and blew through the MAP in one night. I made out a list of my reds yellows and greens, now I plan on re reading it at a slower pace and then moving onto the MMSLP in the near future.
Hoping for the best at this point.
CapnRedBeard
Im here for the same reason as about 99% of everyone else, lack of sexual intimacy in my relationship. This is a really big issue for me since I'm 23 with a very high sex drive and just had a child with my girlfriend of nearly 10 years (with a couple breakups here and there).
I just received the MMSLP and the MAP books via usps yesterday morning and blew through the MAP in one night. I made out a list of my reds yellows and greens, now I plan on re reading it at a slower pace and then moving onto the MMSLP in the near future.
Hoping for the best at this point.
CapnRedBeard
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Comments
It would help if you fill out the triage. You will get much better advice that way.
If you've already figured out your reds, yellows and greens you can post that as well, as your MAP in the MAP category.
We started dating at 14 actually and weve broken up a few times over that period... maybe 4 or 5 times. Biggest breakup period for a little over a year maybe. We also did the FWB thing for a while in highschool. Most recently we've been living together since mid 2012.
I will work on a triage and post it tonight.
Question. Why haven't you married your GF? I'm not being facetious, just inquiring.
Honestly we both wear rings, although I haven't officially proposed and we aren't legally married. I'm holding back because I'm worried about our lack of a sex life in the past year and a half or so. I really don't want to go the final mile of commitment if I'm looking forward to a life without sex...
I'm a bit of an introvert , I like to overthink things frequently and I tend to make very calculated decisions.
This challenge, esp. the weight, is going to bring a special kind of joy into your life and make you a New Man.
Now, a thought:
Let me say- you are absolutely right on this.
You are looking at stepping into a nightmare if you get married to a woman who is-not-attracted-to-you (sexually)/denies you sex
Making calculated decisions is absolutely what you need to do in this situation.
Don't even think about proposing until you have MAPed and have the attraction & sex issues fixed.
There are 2 reasons this is important:
1) the obvious: a sexless marriage followed by porn/affairs/divorce is not a place you want to go.
2) the not-so-obvious: marrying her while she's denying sex to you will irredeemably betaize you in her mind.
Why?
Well, it violates the fundamental principle of relationships: "Reward the good, and do not reward the bad"
If you marry a woman who's denying you full and excellent sex, that tells her that:
- It's OK to deny sex
- She must be on a pedestal, because you married her anyway- in spite of her doing what she knows in her very core is something very bad for her man (no matter how much she denies it mentally)
- She must have a higher sex rank than you: i.e. she's so attractive that you married her in spite of the sex withholding
- When a woman mentally feels she has a higher sex rank than you, this leads to bad things in a marriage
___________________________________________________________So: MAP, Alpha up, and get the relationship on the right track before you even think about proposing.
Also, you should never raise a quid pro quo about marriage. A qpq would be offering to trade something for sexual services, such as saying directly to her "no marriage for you until sex frequency increases" (This is the STFU principle in action)
you should definitely subcommunicate, though, that:
185 lb at 4'9" is actually pretty hefty.
If both of you stay at your current weights, you could expect to experience bad health effects as you reach middle age.
How does she feel about her weight? How is her body image?
As far as her weight and body image, shes been lower than 185 on average throughout our relationship, shes 16 weeks or so past delivering our son and has lost 30lbs give or take. Although lately shes been prone to snacking on all kinds of unhealthy foods, cupcakes, etc. She is aware that shes overweight and needs to work on it, she isnt the "im big and beautiful and everyone wants a peice of this" type.
I semi feel like because I'm starting to work out again shes bringing around unhealthy foods to sabotage me kinda lol... It could also be any number of other things. Hormones going crazy since she started BC, shes always had a sweet tooth (we probably went through a gallon of ice cream every week if not more often when she was pregnant), or any other female sugar rush excuse.
I should blow through MMSLP in a matter of a few days (cant bring this to work to read like the MAP lol). At that point ill re read MAP, make a map post here and then follow them daily. Also plan on working the three monkeys when I reach that stage.
She got home from work, the baby was sleeping, being in the middle of MMSLP i decided to give the 10 second kiss a try. It was very successful, turned into making out and then some hot PiV.
Afterwards she cooked dinner, we take turns cooking and I had asked her to make one of her signature meals earlier. Dinner was awesome, I thanked her after and decided to go rent a redbox movie.
On the way to the store we disagreed on what station to listen to, no big deal she ended up leaving it alone on my station after a minute. Fastforward to us sitting in the parking lot waiting for the people in front of us to finish picking out there movie. It's her turn to pick so she's gonna go return and pick up a new movie when they are done.
So we're sitting there and disagree about the station again, and start play fighting over it. It's a little immature but we occasionally play fight over little things, just something we do i guess. Anyway she ends up like swatting my face a little, i assume by accident, we keep playing. Second time she hits me in the face a little harder and I almost blow up on her.
(Edit: before the second time she does the fake hitting thing trying to make me flinch, which I hate to say I do, and she eventually hits me while doing this.)
(Background: We both grew up in homes where alcohol and drug abuse were very big issues until family intervened and removed us in both cases. I have a history of anger problems that persisted from a very young age until around 16. I'm very good at coping with my anger now and haven't had a meltdown in almost 3 years. However, getting hit in the head is a trigger for me and puts me in a very bad place.)
Anyway I yell at her and tell her to get out of the car and go get the movie. And not just yell but aggressive commanding get the fuck out yell. She says "are you serious?" I replied something like "Yeah im serious, im pissed. You just hit me in the face twice thats not okay." She proceeds to go get a movie, i sit in the car and stew.
Fastforward to sitting at home watching said movie, she keeps trying to hold my hand, i refuse non verbally. At some point i look over and shes all glassy eyed almost crying and i pause the movie and tell her that what she did wasnt okay and she can apologize and we'll move on. She says she doesn't want me to feel like shes abusing me, I don't reply and after a couple minutes of silence press play. She keeps trying to cuddle with me, i don't accept. After the movie she apologizes and we go to bed.
All in all i guess im just confused because it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me yesterday and would like input, info, your thoughts, etc. On this.
If she's visibly upset and trying to cuddle, I'd think the best thing (for your frame and for the relationship) would be to accept the overture. Then again, I'm not dealing with PTSD from my childhood.
“She was 3/4 perfection and 1/4 broken glass.”
I thought it was apology worthy and wasn't going to give it up until i heard an "I'm sorry." However, I wasn't in a proper state of mind at the time.
Looking back I feel like I probably overreacted at the time and could have recovered from it earlier. I'd like to hear other people's opinions on the situation too.
it it seems pretty clear from your own description that she didn't mean any harm and that she was trying to non verbaly apologize. Some people have a hard time saying the words but her actions said the same thing I think.
So you have a trigger that results in an irrational reaction. You recognize that. You need to override your reaction, not expect the world to bend around your misalignment.
If you want us to be unapologetically feminine, be unapologetically masculine.
@The_Dude Thanks for the insight... I have made considerable progress over the years and become lax in policing my outburts i suppose. Honestly, this is one of my lesser triggers but I've removed myself from the situations that allow my large triggers to have any power.
The issue with this trigger is that 99% of the time its unexpected and my immediate reaction is going from calm and collected to pissed off lunatic and instantly throw a punch, trained behavior for my reptile brain possibly.
I think I was able to combat that reaction this time due to a couple factors. Firstly, my girl was the second party and I would never raise a hand against her, or even in her presence if possible. Secondly, sleeping baby in the backseat. And third I had already gotten tagged lightly once and i was semi ready to catch my anger when it showed up the second time. All of these factors played into me controlling the physical nature of my outbursts, but left me with a boiling anger I needed time to cope with.
Perhaps you have some thoughts on how to combat this split second kind of reaction? I likely need to do some research on it but don't have internet access beyond my phone at the moment.
@Maria, You may very well be right that the best way to avoid this problem would be to not play fight in the first place. I'll have to think of some good ways to not engage when she initiates with play fighting. ( I'd guesstimate we both initiate play fighting times evenly.) Once we are play fighting I feel like I have to win, dominance thing probably, and she can get kinda crazy with it in the moment as well.
Thanks to all for the food for thought everyone, I will be reflecting on this for a while probably.