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Mongrel

I'm a little 'funny' about getting my face hit too. I have no past history of abuse or anything, but it doesn't put me in a happy place. Mrs M has playfully slapped me a few times and it doesn't end with either of us being too happy. So even I sort of get where you are coming from. We play fight too and slap each other's arms, bodies, etc but when she goes for the face...

The part where I think you failed was when the two of you were on the couch together and she pretty much expressed sorrow and regret for doing what she did, even if she didn't utter the 'magic words'. Continuing to be cold towards her to me seems like passive-aggressive behavior to hurt her back.

Reborn

Hmm, "play fighting" seems like a bad idea for you?

Tiger

I look at it this way, everything we do has potential positives and negatives, play fighting for you both has this huge potential negative, is the positive on the same scale? 

It seems unlikely.

Jek

How can play fighting be a good thing?

CapnRedBeard

@Mongrel I agree that I did fail there. I'm not sure if I was passive aggressively trying to hurt her though. I may have been and don't recognize it for what it was yet.

@Reborn @Tiger I also agree that not doing it in the first place will probably be the best course of action. I don't quite see everything as objectively as that Tiger at least not until 20/20 hindsight kicks in, but thats why we learn from our mistakes i guess, and thats what I'm going to strive to do here.

@Jek Call me immature but sometimes its nice to let go and be kids honestly. Have you never wrestled (play fighting) with your wife? Maybe its our low end of the age range or maybe its because we didn't have much in the way of childhoods to begin with but once in a while its exhilerating to chase her around the house or wrestle in bed, etc.

Angeline

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/treatment/therapy-med/treatment-ptsd.asp
Have you ever received therapy for what sounds like a pretty traumatic childhood? Has your wife? The VA, which knows a thing or two about PTSD, has a lot of info on the subject.
 
If you have such ferocious fight reactions to the childhood events that you are punching walls, what you must do right away is put a stop to the play-fighting, not figure out how to cope when it (rightly so) is seen by your subconscious as something hostile. She knows this is a problem and is still willing to provoke you. This may be a pattern from HER childhood, where only bad behavior got her noticed. Her appeasing behavior afterwards does not make everything OK. You are going to have to come right out and tell her the play-fighting has to stop.

That level of volatile reaction on your part plus a spouse willing to poke the bear with a stick is not the kind of situation this site can address. But it IS an emergency that needs to be addressed by professionals ASAP. Paging @BrianC for ways to present your story to make appointments and not get arrested for abuse yourself.

You can't just remove something that has injected drama and excitement, you need to replace it with fun and harmless, but intense and exciting things. However, it's late and I'm stupid tired, so all the things I can think of are one-off things like bungee jumps or skydiving, or they are things that risk hitting you in the face.

ETA: after reading your post above, I'll go shead and post one idea - one of the things she might be seeking more of is strong, wrestling man-handling and holding and cuddling, not actual fighting. She enjoys feeling your strength, and maybe if you can fill that need with more sexy wrestling play, she will need less of the provoking you. Still needs to be stated in words though.

Jek

I dont think it is immature or childlike.  But if it can escalate to a problem, it should be eliminated.

Scarlet

When you have a trigger, you need to shut things down before the trigger is reached.  For example, if you play fight again, it she gets anywhere near your face then you say "that's enough" and change the subject and/or activity.  The key is to set a boundary around what you can tolerate so you don't escalate to what you can't tolerate. 

That said, I agree with Maria about just not play fighting anymore.  Given your mutual backgrounds, it is setting yourselves up for conflict.  Try playing games together to channel that same energy in a positive way. 

BrianC

As far as it goes, right now the play fighting goes, I would definitely cut it back or replace it with something that cannot be construed as abuse or trigger either of you.  Nerf weapons are an awesome replacement.

I would definitely consider apologizing for the over-reaction, and letting her know that hitting you in the face is a trigger, and you realize that a relationship where it is cool to hit, even in jest is just not one that is good for either of you.  No point in letting this turn into a Critical Moment of Neglect.

There is a link in my signature listed as The Art of the Apology, have a read, it can guide you on how to construct that conversation.  But the basic points of it are:

• You are sorry that you had that yelling outburst and turned cold on her.
• You know that it made her feel undervalued, and possibly afraid.
• You never want to hurt her, and you care about her.
• You want her to understand that being hit in the face is triggering for you.
• But "being triggered" is no excuse.
• You won't do that again.
• You want to create a family where no one ever hits.
• To that end, you are going to stop play-fighting.
• But you know that you two have fun doing stuff like that, so you are going to get a couple of nerf guns, so that the two of you can keep on laughing.
• You are going to look into getting some help for your responses.

As a new dad you have a great opportunity now to make major steps in your own development, and make yourself seem like one of the most awesome men she has ever known.  I would consider looking into learning Assertive communication skills for a start.  And start reading up on parenting tools.

As to being triggered, you might also find it very useful to talk to a specialist in Neuro Linguistic Programming or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy about finding ways to reduce the influence of your past on the way you think in the present.  Both tools will work very fast - if you are going to either type of professional for more than eight sessions, something is not working for you.  But that really depends on if this is an issue or not.

I also wanted to point out, as I didn't see it mentioned, that new mothers' libidos tank.  It takes about six or seven months after pregnancy for a woman to start really feeling sexual again.  Breastfeeding is very good for the baby, but will also lower her need for sex further.  When you have a new baby, you will find that it takes a year or two to get up to the level of sex you were used to before sh got pregnant.

I am going to recommend a book for you - I expect you can get it at your public library - Babyproofing Your Marriage, which talks a lot about how to create a better sex life, and a stronger relationship in the early months after a baby is born.  great read, and funny to boot.

CapnRedBeard

Thanks to everyone for the responses and I will be following up on research towards ptsd, frankly I don't think I can afford counseling at the moment but maybe in the near future.