Dating since the divorce

24

Comments

  • ThomasBThomasB Pacific NorthwestSilver Member Posts: 117
    @Frank_London‌: Are you bantering well? 

    I find that my banter is a cause and an effect of my attitude about dating. I can tell when I'm not in the mood to deal with dating when I see a banter opening in an online profile or exchange and don't take it, but I've also seen that if I do take it, my interest and mood improve with the initiation of banter. 

    I like Rational Male's post on Amused Mastery for this subject as well.  I'll put on that facade- frame and go banter the daylights out of the world -- women, kids, old people,  men,  dogs, don't matter -- and immediately, I'm in the mood to flirt,  date, mate, etc.

    Although, I think it helps that I don't want anything serious. OI all day. 

    You're a really wise dude and have given me some great insights here. I'm sure you'll get it poppin' soon. 
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    ThomasB said:
    @Frank_London‌: Are you bantering well? 

    Good question, and now I think about it, not really. or to be more precise: not consistently. 

    I think I banter okay online, but in real life it's hit and miss and is very dependent on my frame of mind at the time. There are times when I'm on fire; like at the conference I mentioned earlier, when I just joined a random table for dinner and spent the night chatting up the random attractive woman I sat next to, dazzling her with interesting conversation.

    Other times I freeze, or stumble and say dumb things. At the follow-up date, for example, with her.... there was a chance to make the hard sell and I blinked. And then it was gone. But overall I don't think I did as well on that date. Another example: a girl at work I've fancied for a long time, I got a chance to talk to her walking to a work lunch but I was completely tongue-tied and could only think of rather lame conversation openers. But that was a while ago now... maybe with my new, better mindset I'd do better.

    I think I've been emerging of an extended period of chronic, mild depression and anxiety due to the marriage and the divorce (and due to an underlying propensity on my part) and that's had an effect. But the crisis was at its peak about two years ago. I've been on a slow, steady, upward climb in terms of confidence and happiness since then.

    I feel pretty good about life at the moment. My new attitude is going to be just about enjoying the present, and stop hunting for a new wife. (or at least, stop thinking about it that way).

    ThomasBTennee
  • JekJek CaliforniaMember Posts: 1,520
    edited October 2014
    Ya know @Frank_London , I enjoy your posts, and am interested in what you have to say.  For me, you stand a step ahead of a crowd.
     "Learning to Live Again" by Garth Brooks comes to mind.
    There's a girl out there that is tired of hearing "the right thing to say"  and the "What is Alpha?" disposition and is looking for that stumbing over your feet refreshment.  She's on her way to the same spot you need her to be when you get there.

    I have a friend that i told," Imma be yo bitch!", to.  Hmmmm, I meant to say, " Imma make you my bitch!"  She thought that was the greatest pickup line ever told!!! Ffs

    keep mappin'
    Olddog
  • dalefdalef Silver Member Posts: 1,963
    girlschase.com is a good resource for singles
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    Thanks, but as I've mentioned before, that site's not for me.
  • EverAfterEverAfter Member Posts: 106

    I have a question/comment regarding dating after divorce. There seems to be a general consensus that men get screwed over in the divorce. Although that may be true, conversely I feel that women may get screwed during post divorce dating process. As Athol stated, women's SMV drops the older she gets. So it you're an older woman, esp. with kids, your chances of finding a quality mate is significantly lower than a divorced man's, isn't it?

    I am a middle aged woman (near 40) with two young kids of my own. If I were to enter the dating world now, I can only hope to attract men who are older than myself who are out of shape and unattractive because the available higher quality men would be looking for younger women without baggage.

    As men who are actively dating after divorce, what is your experience/comments?

  • IldundraIldundra FinlandSilver Member Posts: 78
    Hey @EverAfter‌ , i'm not a man dating after divorce, but wanted to chime in that the lower chance compared to men doesn't equal to only having harrible out of shape men as options. That would be true if age was the only impacting factor, but a big part of the outer looks are in your control (hair, clothing, fitness etc.), and in addition there are a million internal parts that contribute to your attractiveness. The only option is to MAP hard; i'm sure it can be enough for building enough attractiveness to attract and hold a man you desire and respect, even though women have the harder time on post-divorce dating market.
    JaaD
  • EANxEANx Local GroupSilver Member Posts: 509
    As someone who is in the age range you're looking at, who is dating someone with a kid (mine's grown) about your age and as someone with a good job and in decent shape (height over what's looked for, BMI well under 30), here's my input. What was I looking for? I was looking for a few things, some of which you can control, others are specific to me.

    As someone relatively fit, I wanted someone fit. So, if you want someone who is age-appropriate, active and fit, you need to be the same and when you compare jobs, if yours isn't that great and you're hoping his is, you might need to bring something else like better fitness to the table. Be feminine, know how to cook, etc. (crank up your girl-game); it's not that hard. There were several never-married's I dated that repeated how much they didn't know about cooking but talked all night about their PhD...

    My kid is in college so out of the picture. At first, I avoided women with younger kids but gave this woman a chance (daughter was 6 when we met) and we're now on nine months. My biggest deal breaker with kids isn't having them but discipline. There have been plenty of times with my current when I've had to be the disciplinarian but things were far worse with women I dated before and led to "thanks, but no thanks" and it wasn't her but the kid and behavior I didn't want to put up with long-term.

    The other qualities she had were that she was fit, outdoorsy, had a half-decent job and was solid financially. Other than the outdoors interest, basic MAP stuff.

    You do need to figure out how you'll make dates happen. Two youngish kids means baby sitting and backup baby sitters, maybe a service. If you want to attract someone with options, you need to remain flexible to some degree.


    AngelineDaddyOhMongrel
  • RemusRemus NY,NYSilver Member Posts: 382
    @EverAfter‌  I think what you are looking for is someone similar to yourself, i.e. a man who probably has a kid or two of his own, enjoys kids, and needs someone who has proved they can be a good mother (even if his own kids still have a mom, its handy to have someone around who can help out).

    A good friend of mine is about 43 with a teen daughter, and about 6 months ago started dating a 42 year old with 2 kids under 10.  While sometimes its easy to get caught up in being parents rather than lovers, I do think the fact that they are in similar spots in their life helps.  Now I've seen pictures, and the woman is really lovely.  No doubt you have to be at the top of your game not to end up with someone less than ideal.  But it's possible.

    On the other hand, I'm 42 and before I met my current GF I was definitely looking for women in their early 30s.  I had no kids and don't really want any, and I've noticed a lot of the single, no-kids professional women in their late 30s early 40s tend to be a, er, difficult sometimes.  That said I went out with a number of women in their late 30s, before meeting my current GF who is 32.

    Basically what I'm saying is look for someone who has similar priorities in life and you might do better than you think
    EANx
  • Version3Version3 Silver Member Posts: 1,906
    @EverAfter, women I dated and am still friendly with report plenty of good options. Honestly I was a little bummed to find that out, as I wanted to be that unicorn in the forest.

    I think the Match.com-like phenomenon of people having so many potential matches that they become too picky can be true for both guys and gals.

    "The pain of discipline is a tiny thing compared to the pain of regret."
     
    It's an obstacle. Get over it.

    Angeline
  • SomeDudeSomeDude Silver Member Posts: 833
    edited November 2014
    EANx said:

    There were several never-married's I dated that repeated how much they didn't know about cooking but talked all night about their PhD...

    This is one of my pet peeves... women stating they can't cook for shit like it's a badge of honour, basically "You won't get me in the kitchen, misogynist! ".... the thing is, I'm a damn good cook myself, but why the fuck would I want to cook every night? Shouldn't every human over the age of 20 know how to cook FFS?

    Sorry, little rant there..... point being i really quite appreciate when a woman points out some of the more traditional home maker-ey type stuff on their profile, because frankly, why should they expect me to do it all?

    The PhD part is another smaller pet peeve... the number of women I run into in their mid to late 30s who are studying something useless, earning absolutely fuck all, and yet go on and on about all the travelling they want to do.... who is going to pay for this travelling... I guess it's mr-exciting-dude-whos-going-to-pay-for-everything? 

    And sorry, another little rant :)
    shibariPhilosophicEntreprenDaddyOh
  • BenBen Silver Member Posts: 3,651
    Have you tried asking them how they expect to pay for the traveling?  Might be a way to separate the wheat from the chaff, and start an interesting conversation with the wheat.

    Me, I love to travel.  Fuck no I don't pay for it, I get other people to do that.  And that's the lead-in to a lot of good stories.  I imagine that for every three or four book-smart money-dumb grad student who wants to be a professional tourist after they get out of school and has no idea how they plan to pay for it, there's at least one who knows exactly who's going to pay for it and has interesting stories like mine.

    ---

    In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    edited November 2014
    I had an eharmony date on the weekend. It was so disappointing - I kinda had high hopes for this one.

    Having met this lady in the person, I estimate that her photos were ten years old, at minimum. Quite possibly 15-20 years old. And I'm not convinced that her age is the age she said (34) but what are you gonna do? Ask to see a driver's license? She had a whole life story with years mapped out so that it all added up to 34. Very confusing.

    She looked quite cute in the photos. And look, I'm not being shallow. I don't want a model, or anything. But she was simply not in the SR zone that I could be attracted to.

    She's a successful, ambitious woman - so she told me - and we had a good chat for an hour or so. Very successful. Then the hour was up, she looked at her phone for the time, and then she wrapped it up and left. I'm like, what the... what was that about?

    Conversation points. She explained that she was "photogenic" and told me "all my photos on my profile are very recent". I'm  thinking, how gullible do I look, really? Like I'm going to dismiss the discrepancy between photos and  real life as just caused by you being "photogenic?"

    And then she complained at length about men who were much older and more overweight than they were in their photos. At length. Including amusing anecdotes about these encounters.

    Was this whole thing just an exercise in messing with me? I'm wondering if anything she said was true. I don't know, but it puts me off online dating even more.  I'll keep doing it, but not with any enthusiasm.
  • PhilosophicEntreprenPhilosophicEntrepren Fort WorthSilver Member Posts: 144
    Was this whole thing just an exercise in messing with me? I'm wondering if anything she said was true. I don't know, but it puts me off online dating even more.  I'll keep doing it, but not with any enthusiasm.
    That stuff happened to me a couple of times. I usually ended the date early when I was sure I wasn't interested. It's just part of the chaff you go through looking for the wheat. I have a warped sense of humor and keen appreciation for the absurd, so I could just laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

    Seemed like all the dates where I really got my hopes up turned out to be letdowns. Then one day I walked into a "just another date" - I think I had three first dates lined up that week - and I was sunk. We've been together a little over a year now.

  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    Looking back on it, I am increasingly sure that the woman I had the date with was a flat-out compulsive liar. I now think the whole thing was a lie.
     
    The high-flying career, her age, the ex-boyfriend who wants her back. All of it. Just a fiction, so she can feel glamorous for a few hours each week on dates with strangers.
  • never_againnever_again CanadaSilver Member Posts: 1,372
    For me, a recent photo is a must.  I've also learned enough to demand a full-body photo, too.  A pretty facial portrait can hide all sorts of ills down below.  I had one woman who claimed to look like Diane Sawyer.  She did, from the chin up.  Another claimed to look like Reba McIntyre.  Yep, she wore jeans.

    I do have to get better at what Angeline suggested.  Usually I'll tough it out for 1/2 an hour then say my goodbyes, but then she's still taken up my time and hasn't learned a lesson about misrepresentation.
    The man who gives his woman everything ends up with nothing. Not even the woman.
    AngelineThomasB
  • RemusRemus NY,NYSilver Member Posts: 382
    Second online date I ever went on, she showed up and immediately after hello, made it clear she was 5 years older than her profile and that her pics were that old (she was about 40 pounds heavier too).

    I toughed out the date.  Maybe I shouldn't have, but it was actually an ok time, except that of course I wasn't really interested her after the lies.  Sounds like this woman lied and also gave a horrible date on top of that.  I guess it makes for a good story.

    The last few dates I went on while I was still online dating the women were pretty representative of their pics.  One of them though facially looked like her pic, she had bare arms in person which revealed a LOT of cellulite under her arms, which was hidden well in pics (I know that sounds shallow, but it was pretty bad).  I do like it when people actually date their photos, at least one or two, in the captions.  Not only is this informative, but it usually says the woman has confidence in her looks.  Also, as said before, full body shots are key.  Having only facial shots is a dead giveaway they are hiding a lot of weight.

    Lets not make this sexist though, as your date said, men lie too.  Older pics, and most commonly, lying about height.

    Regardless, even with current photos, most people are going to put up the ones that are most flattering.  Expect the lighting to not highlight things like lines around the eyes for example that show up in person.

    Ironically, the woman I'm getting serious with now, her pics were WORSE than her in person.  She was new to online dating and sort of half-assed her profile.  My reaction when I met her was 'wait, this NEVER happens'.




    AngelineTheLoneWanderer
Sign In or Register to comment.