I dated an 41 year old woman who had had a tubal ligation (she already had two kids, 20 and 17). She knew I wanted children; we had been dating 4 months when we went to her son's wedding. While we were out there she told me that her son had said "Mom, you should have a kid, then our kids could play together." (At the time, I thought her saying was just thoughtless since she knew I wanted to be a father.)
You need to be honest with yourself. If you want more kids, you probably want to be looking at women under 35. Its certainly possible for women over 40 to get pregnant, but you shouldn't count on it and the risks are much greater.
As an under-35 year old woman I'm not exactly looking to procreate with a 46 year old man. Nor are my friends. We're all happily dating guys our own age +/- 4 to 5 years. Just being honest, that kind of thing takes money.
As an under-35 year old woman I'm not exactly looking to procreate with a 46 year old man. Nor are my friends. We're all happily dating guys our own age +/- 4 to 5 years. Just being honest, that kind of thing takes money.
The market's smaller but it's not non-existent. Personally I've dated women 10 years younger than me and women 7 years older than me. (and to clarify, by 'dated' I mean 'have been in a sexual relationship with’, not ‘went on dates'). In 20 percent of marriages the man is at least 6 years older than the woman (although the reverse isn't true).
Anyway under-35 starts to get problematic for other reasons. I had been aiming at the 36-40 range. My now-girlfriend approached me and although she was slightly outside my parameters I decided to go on a date anyway.
I was aware that I was running out of time... which is why I brought the issue up in relation to my new girlfriend. However I wasn't expecting to be told that I have already run out of time.
just for a bit of context, the other thing that’s causing me hesitation is the speed with which this happened after I got back into dating. I have been inactive from dating for some time. I reactivated my dating profile on the friday and by sunday I was on a date. She was the first date I went on after profile reactivation.
So I guess a little voice at the back of my head is saying ‘what if you’d waited and gone on a couple more dates?’ What if?
I don’t know. I have logicked myself out of perfectly fine relationships before…. and then I dived in head-first and married the BSC from hell. So I don’t trust my intuitions on when to stay and when to get out. Not that it matters because I don’t even know what my intuitions are telling me in this situation.
I guess the take home is, I like her, I’m enjoying her, she makes me feel good, but I’m not sure if she’s right for the long run.
I guess the take home is, I like her, I’m enjoying her, she makes me feel good, but I’m not sure if she’s right for the long run.
So give it time. No need to propose next week. But really give it a shot.
I've been very active on the dating market since my divorce. Now I'm in a year-long relationship. I have to be careful to not "logic" myself, as you put it, out of good relationships. I've been with "crazy, but amazing in bed" and I wanted less drama. I've been with good girls with no drama and wanted more crazy in bed (and sort of secretly missed at least a little drama). Whatever I have, I can logic myself into thinking I really need something else. But every woman has plusses and minuses, and it sucks to kill a really good relationship because you're looking for a unicorn.
I'm a 49 year old childless dude (and happy about it) so I'm looking at your dilemma from a different place. Maybe I can't relate, but maybe I can get you to look at it differently too.
Fact: You want more kids. Question: what does this mean, and why? Do you want more kids because you like kids, like being a father, etc? Or is it some of that mixed with a burning desire for your swimmers to be successful in creating more Frank Londons? Neither by itself is wrong, but you have to ask yourself WHY more kids matters.
Frank likes kids and likes being a father: so what's stopping you from being that to the existing kids the GF has? They may not have been spawned by you, but you still can enjoy the same benefits of child rearing you'd get from production of your own.
or
Frank wants to reproduce to perpetuate the bloodline while at the same time enjoying the above. How important is this aspect, really? You've already proven you can do it. The London bloodline is continuing on. How many offspring do you need to satisfy this desire?
Cogitate on that while I also point out that, at your age, I think that ship has pretty much sailed anyway. I think it's bordering on selfish for someone your age to want to have a baby when you'll be in your sixties when they are a teenager and almost 70 by the time they leave the house.
I was almost 48 when my youngest daughter was born, and yes being in my sixties and raising her (and her older sister is hard). Since she is adopted, though, I don't have to worry about selfish, she has a much better life here than in a Chinese orphanage (which, by the way, are nice facilities; but not like a home).
If you want more kids, adoption is an option. One of my daughters is adopted and she is awesome. Just something to consider. Also, foster parenting and surrogate mothers.
Just an update, my relationship with my new girlfriend is steaming along.
We spend every second weekend together. We are perfectly synchronized in when we are child free, so we go one week apart, each with kids, and then one week seeing lots of each other.
She's taken me along as a partner to several social events now - work parties, dinner parties. I haven't reciprocated, but partly because I don't have the same social life she does. (She's met one friend and my mother).
She thinks I'm the bee's knees. I quietly wonder if she'll still think that when the chemicals wear off. As a result I guess I continue to hold on a bit. I'm not prepared to let go completely.
I love hanging out with her. I find myself smiling and laughing when I read her texts. I told her on Valentine's day I love her (yeah, corny, huh?). I don't really care if this is a long term thing right now.
Btw, her kids are teenagers, and one will be leaving home next year. I don't think I'm going to be doing much parenting there.
Fact: You want more kids. Question: what does this mean, and why?
It's a values thing. Part of who I want to be is a father to children.
Also, beyond that, I want a family. I like having "family," and I think I would like particularly to have family as I get older.
Right now, my existing family, which used to give me so much emotional nourishment, is vanishing to pretty much zero. My father has a terminal illness, one brother is dead, the other brother is estranged despite my best efforts, and neither of them had any children. That basically leaves me, my son, and my mother. That's it. That's not much in the way of family for a family guy.
Sure, I can 'marry into' a family, but I also believe that in general, genetic bonds are stronger than someone else's family that you joined at the tail-end. So yes, that's certainly a solution but it's very much a compromise solution.
She thinks I'm the bee's knees. I quietly wonder if she'll still think that when the chemicals wear off. As a result I guess I continue to hold on a bit. I'm not prepared to let go completely.
My last GF was like this. The first months were "the house down the street is for sale, I know you don't like your apartment" and "you are welcome here ANY time" type stuff keeping us glued together but the chemicals do wear off so if you like her and it seems you do, be sure to periodically take a look and ensure you aren't "spending too much time together".
Well, my relationship with business chick is steaming along.
We have lots in common, and have so much fun together. Earlier in the thread I floated issues about kids and families and regrets etc.... at this point I don't really care about that stuff. I like her and just want to keep doing what I'm doing. What we're doing. I still at the back of my mind wonder if I'm going to be the guy who helped her through a transitional phase, but, well, the road will go where it goes.
We add value to each other's lives. In general her life is very chaotic and stressful right now and she's in a period of great change. I am a positive force and a stabilizing influence in all that for her.
But it's not all one way. She's really helped me get my shit together on a few fronts and is wise and supportive herself.
Also, not to be too shallow but.... we have great sex, and lots of it.
Checking in with an update. I'm still in a relationship with Business Chick. (BC) Short version: things are great, we're still madly in love, and are planning how to spend the rest of our lives together.
I held out on professing love, commitment and so on until well after the 'six month' boundary, because I knew that love hormones cloud your judgement until that time.
We went on a long road trip about three months ago.
The night before we had been at a big business event. She got drunk (happy drunk), told me she wanted to marry me, and that she wished she could have my babies. So the next day, we left on our long road trip, and there was plenty of time to talk. And I reminded her of what she said when she was drunk. Long and the short of it, that was how she really felt and she said she wanted to get her tubes untied for me.
She pointed out that she is very fit and healthy for her age (and she is), and after doing some research discovered that the odds were better than either of us had realized.
BC is not a woman who does things by halves, and a few weeks later I watched her come out of the operating theater with a sleepy smile on her face and little symmetric holes on her left and right hip.
We knew it might not happen, but decided that even giving it a try was a special thing to do. Whatever happens, we're staying together.
Comments
As an under-35 year old woman I'm not exactly looking to procreate with a 46 year old man. Nor are my friends. We're all happily dating guys our own age +/- 4 to 5 years. Just being honest, that kind of thing takes money.
The market's smaller but it's not non-existent. Personally I've dated women 10 years younger than me and women 7 years older than me. (and to clarify, by 'dated' I mean 'have been in a sexual relationship with’, not ‘went on dates'). In 20 percent of marriages the man is at least 6 years older than the woman (although the reverse isn't true).
Anyway under-35 starts to get problematic for other reasons. I had been aiming at the 36-40 range. My now-girlfriend approached me and although she was slightly outside my parameters I decided to go on a date anyway.
I was aware that I was running out of time... which is why I brought the issue up in relation to my new girlfriend. However I wasn't expecting to be told that I have already run out of time.
If that’s the case, I guess I’ll have to face it.
I have been inactive from dating for some time. I reactivated my dating profile on the friday and by sunday I was on a date. She was the first date I went on after profile reactivation.
So I guess a little voice at the back of my head is saying ‘what if you’d waited and gone on a couple more dates?’ What if?
I don’t know. I have logicked myself out of perfectly fine relationships before…. and then I dived in head-first and married the BSC from hell. So I don’t trust my intuitions on when to stay and when to get out. Not that it matters because I don’t even know what my intuitions are telling me in this situation.
I guess the take home is, I like her, I’m enjoying her, she makes me feel good, but I’m not sure if she’s right for the long run.
I've been very active on the dating market since my divorce. Now I'm in a year-long relationship. I have to be careful to not "logic" myself, as you put it, out of good relationships. I've been with "crazy, but amazing in bed" and I wanted less drama. I've been with good girls with no drama and wanted more crazy in bed (and sort of secretly missed at least a little drama). Whatever I have, I can logic myself into thinking I really need something else. But every woman has plusses and minuses, and it sucks to kill a really good relationship because you're looking for a unicorn.
Older dads are more likely to father kids with birth defects, and that's something a woman who wants kids is going to take into account.
It's so easy to fritter away 5 months here and 6 months there, and before you know it, your window has closed.
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Fact: You want more kids.
Question: what does this mean, and why? Do you want more kids because you like kids, like being a father, etc? Or is it some of that mixed with a burning desire for your swimmers to be successful in creating more Frank Londons? Neither by itself is wrong, but you have to ask yourself WHY more kids matters.
Frank likes kids and likes being a father: so what's stopping you from being that to the existing kids the GF has? They may not have been spawned by you, but you still can enjoy the same benefits of child rearing you'd get from production of your own.
or
Frank wants to reproduce to perpetuate the bloodline while at the same time enjoying the above. How important is this aspect, really? You've already proven you can do it. The London bloodline is continuing on. How many offspring do you need to satisfy this desire?
Cogitate on that while I also point out that, at your age, I think that ship has pretty much sailed anyway. I think it's bordering on selfish for someone your age to want to have a baby when you'll be in your sixties when they are a teenager and almost 70 by the time they leave the house.
"Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
Link to triage questions: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/
We spend every second weekend together. We are perfectly synchronized in when we are child free, so we go one week apart, each with kids, and then one week seeing lots of each other.
She's taken me along as a partner to several social events now - work parties, dinner parties. I haven't reciprocated, but partly because I don't have the same social life she does. (She's met one friend and my mother).
She thinks I'm the bee's knees. I quietly wonder if she'll still think that when the chemicals wear off. As a result I guess I continue to hold on a bit. I'm not prepared to let go completely.
I love hanging out with her. I find myself smiling and laughing when I read her texts. I told her on Valentine's day I love her (yeah, corny, huh?). I don't really care if this is a long term thing right now.
Btw, her kids are teenagers, and one will be leaving home next year. I don't think I'm going to be doing much parenting there.
Also, beyond that, I want a family. I like having "family," and I think I would like particularly to have family as I get older.
Right now, my existing family, which used to give me so much emotional nourishment, is vanishing to pretty much zero. My father has a terminal illness, one brother is dead, the other brother is estranged despite my best efforts, and neither of them had any children. That basically leaves me, my son, and my mother. That's it. That's not much in the way of family for a family guy.
Sure, I can 'marry into' a family, but I also believe that in general, genetic bonds are stronger than someone else's family that you joined at the tail-end. So yes, that's certainly a solution but it's very much a compromise solution.
Well, my relationship with business chick is steaming along.
We have lots in common, and have so much fun together. Earlier in the thread I floated issues about kids and families and regrets etc.... at this point I don't really care about that stuff. I like her and just want to keep doing what I'm doing. What we're doing. I still at the back of my mind wonder if I'm going to be the guy who helped her through a transitional phase, but, well, the road will go where it goes.
We add value to each other's lives. In general her life is very chaotic and stressful right now and she's in a period of great change. I am a positive force and a stabilizing influence in all that for her.
But it's not all one way. She's really helped me get my shit together on a few fronts and is wise and supportive herself.
Also, not to be too shallow but.... we have great sex, and lots of it.
I'm still in a relationship with Business Chick. (BC)
Short version: things are great, we're still madly in love, and are planning how to spend the rest of our lives together.
I held out on professing love, commitment and so on until well after the 'six month' boundary, because I knew that love hormones cloud your judgement until that time.
We went on a long road trip about three months ago.
The night before we had been at a big business event. She got drunk (happy drunk), told me she wanted to marry me, and that she wished she could have my babies. So the next day, we left on our long road trip, and there was plenty of time to talk. And I reminded her of what she said when she was drunk. Long and the short of it, that was how she really felt and she said she wanted to get her tubes untied for me.
She pointed out that she is very fit and healthy for her age (and she is), and after doing some research discovered that the odds were better than either of us had realized.
BC is not a woman who does things by halves, and a few weeks later I watched her come out of the operating theater with a sleepy smile on her face and little symmetric holes on her left and right hip.
We knew it might not happen, but decided that even giving it a try was a special thing to do. Whatever happens, we're staying together.