After having sex everyday, several times a day for about a week now (after months of lackluster and infrequent sex) this conversation comes up today after our session...
Husband- "The sex we've been having this week is some of the best of my life." *big grin*
I come back with, "You keep being a good husband and I'll keep being a good wife.
"
"Like you're rewarding me? Like a dog?"
"No, not like a dog. I'm not meaning to reward you like a pet, but when you're doing what needs to be done and being all manly, it makes me happy, which makes me want to make you happy."
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Similar conversation happened earlier this week when he was playing a video game with his friends while I took care of his laundry. "You are so amazing. Why are you so amazing?" etc. I responded, "A good husband gets a good wife."
I just want him to know that when he acts the way he's been acting lately (not being fazed by my emotional storms and handling/reassuring me like a pro, making needed changes and all in all just doing what needs to be done without being needy or desperate about it) it makes me attracted to him like I've never been before. I want him to keep up how he is acting, but I don't want him to feel like I'm rewarding him like some dog or a child. I'm just very, VERY attracted to this transformed husband of mine.
What should I say in conversations like this to let him know to keep doing exactly what he's doing without making him feel bad? I want to get across to him that these changes he's made are making a great impact on me and not to stop!
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Nothing more needed.
I find a "You're welcome" will often suffice! The act itself is thanks and reinforcement all rolled into one.
And with outstanding sex, rather than saying "thank you" as if Mrs C was doing me a favour, I'll say something along the line of "that was amazing", or "you were incredible" and conversely if she says "you were amazing", it's Han Solo time and I'll reply with a smirk "I know"
I know that's not what you intended but I think that's what you triggered.
A guy with a solid self image views sex as much for her as it is for him. And if you think about it, you wouldn't be attracted for long to a guy who viewed himself as a puppy dog looking for treats from you. Again, I don't think you meant any of it that way but just pointing out what you bumped up against.
i don't know your whole background. For me, I like it when my wife initiates. She does it probably 1/4 of the time or less. But it's a fun change. Once in a while she'll really initiate as in walk out in high heels and nothing else and ask me if I like her outfit. Or something novel like that. It's awesome and leads to some memorable sex.
Doing stuff like that now and then makes it clear to your husband that you enjoy it too.
But I don't expect this very often and I think if she initiated all the time it would be weird. Honestly I wouldn't overthink it. My 2 cents anyway.
I get what you're saying. It's been good for the first time in awhile and I just don't want to mess it up. I'll stop worrying about it. Thanks.
You: "no, it's not at all like a reward system. It's more that actions have consequences, in this case your recent actions have shown me what an awesome husband you are, I find that very attractive and it brings me closer to you, that feeling of closeness makes me VERY receptive to you sexually and otherwise. A different set of actions would create a different set of consequences. But it's not conscious, it is not 'he has done X so I should reward him with Y.' It's more along the lines of "He's being awesome I gotta get me some of that.'"
You can then have a discussion about what exactly he has done that you find so awesome recently if you want to dig further.
Another thing that I have found very helpful is to understand the feedback loop that happens between a husband who is attracted physically and wife who is attracted emotionally.
1) Husband is attracted so emotionally connects with wife.
2) This attracts wife to husband so she's happy to provide physical affection.
3) This increases husbands attraction to wife, goto 1.
It also works in reverse, so one has to be careful. Once it starts moving in the wrong direction someone has to break the cycle by giving what they don't yet feel.