Husband suddenly wants kids.. Need advice.

ForestForest Member Posts: 66
(We are in our early 20's)

If some of you have read my previous threads you'll know things have been going a lot better for my husband and I recently. I've stopped criticizing and upped my game, and he's been giving me undivided attention and cutting down hours at school. We've been communicating better than we ever have before and opened up about things we normally don't with each other. 

We've been talking a lot lately about how things have changed over the years of us being together. When we first got together, I was 14 years old and our dreams consisted of marriage and family. A simple, happy life is what we wanted. Over the years though, my husband started working and getting paid more and we got a taste of what money can bring to you. I was able to get a nose job, have an international honeymoon in an exotic place and spent plenty of money on dining out and movies (sometimes to the tune of over $1k a month) all paid in cash. We loved it. 

After we got married our dreams of a simple life changed radically. All of a sudden wanting children and owning our own small home turned into us wanting no children and a high-rise condo. To accomplish this, after the wedding my husband quit his job and picked up more and harder classes at school and I began working. 

Our life has been like this for the past two years we've been married. He still has several years left because he is doing a double degree, honors college, working part-time and research projects. Instead of being motivated to achieve this lifestyle we've been after, we've been finding ourselves becoming more and more distant from each other. 

I told him in one of our recent deep talks that I feel like we are chasing after something that doesn't align with our true values (family) and that these hours he's putting in right now most likely won't change when he gets his career, in fact it will probably get worse. He agreed.

Well, after several weeks of having these kinds of talks of where our marriage is going, he tells me that he wants a family. He says he's been too caught up in things that don't truly matter and he wants a family whenever I feel ready for that.

(Continued below)
Tagged:
«1

Comments

  • ForestForest Member Posts: 66
    edited October 2014
    After years of ignoring my family-cravings I haven't thought about children in a long time. I am the oldest of 9, began watching them alone when I was 8, so I have a small idea of the craziness it ensues. 

    I was (am) going to college for the first time next semester. I haven't enrolled yet and have been looking at some online schools, but I'm not sure how realistic going to school (even online) with a child would be. I am going to school because I don't have anything else to do and feel like that would be a smart investment of my time. 

    Initially I thought, "No not right now." but there may be some benefits to consider if we have children soon. They are:

    - We barely have any bills and my health insurance covers maternity. 

    - We rent a converted apartment from my In-laws. We are on the same lot and we truly love being so close to them. We have breakfast at their house on the weekends, I'll help with their laundry and they will always pick up random things they know we like from the store. We really work together. We may move away when my husband applies for graduate school in several years and I believe having them be this close when I have my first would help me exponentially with things like dealing with the isolation and lack of sleep many new mothers deal with. 

    - Instead of waiting for kids, getting my career started, and THEN stopping for x amount of years to stay at home until the kids go to school I could take online classes slowly while I raise the kids and then in my late 20's/early 30's I can focus on starting my career instead of child rearing.

    - My husband is really flexible with his hours now (and I work with family) and I'm not sure how that will be once he begins his career. 

    - Of course we would not try to get pregnant immediately, but we'd probably begin getting our ducks in a row (figuring out savings, finances, schooling, etc.) beforehand. 

    So if you read all of this, thank you. I know many of you are parents and I feel like I can seek your guidance on this. Any advice is greatly appreciated by me. 
  • ForestForest Member Posts: 66
     @Frank_London Thank you for the advice. It's true, I feel like I "should" go to school if I'm not really doing anything else (even though no one has said this to me).

    I was not working him on this. When I said we weren't working towards our family values, I meant spending more quality time with each other and our families, I wasn't pressing for children. 

    I'm concerned about our financial future if we have children now. My parents were teens when they had me and were never really able to get it together. They were always, always struggling trying to stay afloat. I keep hearing about the financial sacrifices children require and I'm scared we would end up like that. His parents, however, waited till their 30's to have children and they were able to handle the financial stresses that children bring. 
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,500
    edited October 2014
    You guys are not teens, and apparently already have quite excellent earning power. Nine kids is going to impact just about anyone's ability to stay afloat. Unless you intend to have that large a family, and go back in time to your teens, you aren't going to replicate their experience. 

    Age vs youth - on one hand, the hope is you'd have more stability and maturity, on the other, lots more energy to withstand sleepless nights and chasing toddlers.
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    Frank_LondonWinter_io
  • ForestForest Member Posts: 66
    @Angeline‌ You're right. Having kids though is not a logical decision (in my mind) and it's KILLING me knowing that. If we don't have children, we will have more time for each other, ourselves, more money, more freedom, etc. Then on top of that not owning our own home or having our careers yet is stressing me out even though we do have great family support. I'm really struggling to just say, "Okay." knowing that in the back of my head. I do believe I want a family, but I'm very intimidated by the sacrifices it will take. 
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,500
    That's a great mindset to have about something that frankly should be intimidating. It's a good sign that you'll take it seriously and do a good job. 

    No one gets it 100% right.
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    PersephoneWinterPirouetteLiquidSound
  • MongrelMongrel Pennsylvania, USASilver Member Posts: 1,869
    Mrs M and I elected to go childless for reasons that are unimportant. Having lived our lives this way, I can tell you this...the 'stuff' doesn't matter. Our income is decent but not outstanding. We have a very nice home, several automotive toys and can take vacations whenever/wherever we want. The freedom is nice, but frankly the 'stuff' we've accumulated in some ways has proven tiresome, and I've been doing quite a bit of purging. I try to do things now that create fun times and pleasant memories vs accumulating things to impress people I don't know and/or don't like.

    I'm a sucker for cute, precocious little girls and occasionally lament our decision not to have children when I encounter them 'in the wild', but it quickly passes. Kids just aren't something either of us was ever excited about. However, if being a parent is something that drives you then I wouldn't deny yourself over notions of school, career or money. You're facing a fork in the road with two very distinctly different paths; whichever one calls to you the loudest is the one you should choose. The rest will fall into place.
    "If you're not happy with your life, you've got to identify why, and do something about it." -- Mandrill
    "Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
    Link to triage questions:  http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/


    Angeliner9stone
  • KattKatt USASilver Member Posts: 4,554
    edited October 2014
    My husband and I were together for over 10 years before having children.  We always knew we wanted kids, we just kept saying we wanted them later on (me more than him - I was also excelling at a career which was hard to give up on).  We could have had them sooner ( no fertility problems and financially situated) but we got used to having plenty of disposable income, time and resources to travel and eat at great restaurants and lots of time with just the two of us doing fun exciting things together.  We lived in NYC for a couple of years and in general just had a blast together for over a decade.    We were 30 (me) and 37 (him)when we had our first and, honestly, we probably should have done it earlier.   I'm 36 now and I don't have nearly the energy I had 10 years ago to deal with it all.   I wouldn't trade what I have for anything, but I do sometimes wish we had moved forward with having our children earlier.   
    Angeline
  • Husband3point0Husband3point0 Gold Men Posts: 3,294
    I'm in a similar situation as @Katt‌ ;btw. We waited until after graduate schooling was all done, which for us had me becoming dad at 33. Now, I'm loving that I'm back in shape to be able to run with my son. But, I'm nearly 44 and he's only 10, and I can feel Father Time ticking while my body tries to push myself to 5 miles and beyond with him. 

    FWIW, we still live in a high-rise condo, so it can be done with kids. Picking one in a reasonable school district at a non-ridiculous price is the hard part tbh. 
  • RebuildingHusbandRebuildingHusband Southern USASilver Member Posts: 1,953
    I'll echo my experience here. My wife and I started dating at 15. Married at 23. Have been married for a bit over 6 years now. Our kid is almost 2 and we have our second on the way now.

    We did the same thing as you guys. Dated through school, talked about our plans and worked to make them happen. We waited until we both graduated college to marry. 

    Money was nice when we first started out. No kids, no house note, plenty to go around. Then we bought our house and things were a little tight. I started upping my salary so that got easier. Then add the car notes into the mix and things are tight again. Salary keeps going up, life gets easier. Then the kid. Wow they're expensive. But oh so worth it for us. Money was getting tight, yet again. I took a new job a few months ago and we are sitting pretty yet again. The best part is that the new job was a huge enough raise that we will still be sitting pretty after kid #2 gets here. 

    We we are stopping at 2 for sure though. W and I discussed more but we would rather have our 2 and be able to afford European vacations and nice toys (for both kids and adults) than have to live tighter with more kids. As it stands now, we are on track to have the house paid before our oldest starts college (16 more years), have $2+ million in retirement (as long as 401k's remain productive and viable for the next 30-40 years), and be positioned to have most any luxury we desire within reason. 

    It it can be done. You can't "have it all" but you can get pretty close. We have meticulously planned the above details and they've worked out quite well. I'd suggest that if you're ready for kids, go for it. You won't be young forever and you will find a way to have your needs met as long as you're smart about things (you're here, though, so obviously on track). W and I waited until we were ready and it's been a hell of a lot of fun so far. I wouldn't trade my little monster for anything. He and I are laying in bed watching cartoons right now while we wait for momma to wake up!
    give a shit and try, or go be miserable by yourself - AlphaBelle
  • frillyfunfrillyfun East PodunkGold Women Posts: 3,386
    I think I'd take some basics at a community college just to get them out of the way first if you know you're say a year away from trying to get pregnant. 

    Kids are awesome, but they do take a lot of resources to raise, and if you are in a position to get SOME education before you have a baby it just makes things easier down the road.

    With a toddler my real productive time is pretty much limited to naptime, and after bedtime.  Other than that I cant really plow into an intellectually intensive project while he's up and running. Other Moms seem to handle it, but for me, I really only get stuff done while he's asleep.

    We waited a long time to start a family, and yes- we did have more free time, money, and freedom before DS, but it's really fun. We still travel, we still do things- they are decidedly different things than when we were childless, but we enjoy them.

    A few things that I miss from pre-baby days:
    My SHOES!  Your feet grow when you have a baby- so I can't wear any of the cute shoes I had before I had DS.
    Being able to go to non-child friendly establishments whenever we wanted.  The movies, bars, the adult bookstore - things like that.  We can still go, but we have to get a sitter first.

    But other than that it's a fun adventure.  I was 35 when I had DS, and honestly- don't wait that long.  I'm exhausted.  He runs all.the.time.

    Katt
  • KattKatt USASilver Member Posts: 4,554
    I will agree with @frillyfun‌ about maybe at least start knocking out your 2 year degree ASAP.   You won't regret having the basics of your education done.   I am glad I had finished college (unless I decide to get a doctorate LOL) before kids.   

    frillyfunScarletForest
  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542
    Going to school doesn't get easier when you're older.  Even if you don't know what you want to do, you can start your education so you have something, or go to technical college for a career that you can do part-time.  

    This is not to say that you should wait ten years.  It's just that since you're in your early 20s, deciding that you want to have children doesn't mean you have to have them right this minute.  It means you make decisions now that will make it easier to incorporate children into your lives when you do have them. 
    Speak your truth. 
  • ForestForest Member Posts: 66
    @Angeline Thank you. 

    @Mongrel‌ Thanks for being frank with me. When I really look into myself, I know the 'stuff' doesn't truly matter. I find it interesting that you say not to deny myself children over school. Most people here expect you to have your degree finished before considering children. I think I'm feeling some shame over thinking about trying to have kids before getting my degree. 

    @Katt I really didn't think too much about the loss of energy once we get older. It does make sense to have children earlier if you can but what I'm trying to figure out is should it be now or 4 years from now once my degree is done? I'll be just entering my mid 20's at that point, but with a degree. BUT what I'm also considering is this..

    Husband currently has about 4-5 years left in his degree plan. After, he's applying for graduate school that might be out of state. So, if I try relatively soon, I may be able to have a child or two before we move so I could have his parents' support during my pregnancies and their first years. If we move for his graduate school by the time he graduates both of the children could be in school/almost in school at that point and hopefully by then I will have gotten my degree and be able to work on my career by the time I reach my late 20's/early 30's. 

    It just feels so soon to be planning so long-term. 
  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542
    How involved will your husband be if you have them now?  What kind of parent does he want to be?  
    Speak your truth. 
  • ForestForest Member Posts: 66
    @Scarlet I know what you are saying. I know many people plan on finishing their schooling, have children and then are unable to finish. In most cases I'd probably not worry about it for a few more years but a big reason that is making me consider it now is I think having his family's support with a newborn would be invaluable to me. My husband may go out of state for graduate school and I feel like having a newborn then would be much harder by ourselves. 

    It's like we have three stages to choose when to try to have children. 

    Early-Mid 20's while getting degrees and living near family/Mid-Late 20's while husband is in graduate school and we are not near family/Early 30's where we both already have our careers.

    I'm trying to figure out the smartest stage for us to try. 
  • ForestForest Member Posts: 66
    @Husband2point1 Thank you for reiterating @Katt's point about age. I can see the benefits of having children in our early 20's and having them in college by our early 40's. I like that you guys were still able to get a condo.  :D
  • ForestForest Member Posts: 66
    @Scarlet‌ As involved as he can be, I'd imagine. He gets home around 5-7pm now and has free weekends. He wants to be like his father, who is the most selfless person I've ever met. My husband has always impressed me when he is around children. He's very kind, playful and attentive with them. 
  • KatherineKellyKatherineKelly SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,432
    edited October 2014
     @Forest The emotional side of me wants children and the rational side does not. It creates a tension where I feel pulled in two different directions.

    I help a friend take care of her three children who are 2,4, & 6. The boys make me never want to be a mother (especially after they threw a spider in my hair) but her two year old daughter really pulls at my mothering instinct.

    Women are expected to automatically want to be mothers and that they will automatically love being mothers.  This is simply B.S. I see lots of moms who clearly do not like children and all the demands of being a parent but once you are in you are in 24/7 for life

    If you can accept the changes to your body and the strain it will put on your marriage along with all the stress and worry for those heavenly moments when your child smiles at you or does something amazingly wonderful than you have a good chance at enjoying being a mom.

    In my opinion surviving motherhood is being comfortable with the extremes that come with it. Going from quiet to crazy.  Tediousness and boredom to life threatening situations as you watch your child choke on a piece of food.

    It can be the most difficult and potentially rewarding thing a person does in life.

    Becoming a mom is a giant leap of faith where you accept all possibilities and no guarantees. It can fulfill you or destroy you and sometimes it does both at the same time.

    I like children because I like living on the edge and children keep you there and when they are your own this edge becomes razor sharp.

    I'm not sure you can really approach having children rationally because there are simply to many unknowns.

    When we go out the door in the morning we never know if we will return. Life never guarantees how long it will last.

    Having children amplifies this feeling. If your temperament is OK with chaos you probably will enjoy being a mom.

    I personally love chaos so children fit easily into my life.

    I would not have children to please another. I think it is to important of a decision to not be personally invested. It is your body and life put at risk and usually it is the mother that carries a greater share of the burden emotionally and physically.

    You both must be all in and in for the right reasons.

    Children will not fix a broken relationship.

     Believe those who are seeking the truth.  Doubt those who find it.  ~Andre Gide

     "If you love someone, set him free; if you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

    Louise
Sign In or Register to comment.