Husband suddenly wants kids.. Need advice.

soa2005

@Forest‌ ;
There is probably never a "perfect" time to have kids. Granted, having a loving home, supporting family, and sound finances can help ease the transition from married couple to married with children. 

Our first born was unplanned and we were young. A couple years later my wife delivered our second child. A few more years went by and we had our third kid. Throughout pregnancies and births we got married, finished school, bought a home, and I was fortunate enough to end up with a decent career. The most stressful aspect of all this was when I had a low paying job. We got in debt and it caused some stress. We are in the process of paying off the remaining debt and can see a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Our marriage had its ups and downs but I don't believe any of that was a result of having kids. Yea, the money/debt situation was stressful but that's not really what caused any of the bad shit in our marriage. 

Were we ready for kids at such a young age? Probably not, but I don't really know what I would have done differently if we had started a family 10 years later. We both made some mistakes with the kids but I think most of them could be attributed to being new parents as opposed to young parents. 

Only you and your husband can decide if you're ready for kids or not. I may not have been ready but I wouldn't change any of it for the world. To me, there is nothing more awesome than bringing kids in this world and being responsible for them. Nothing motivates me more than knowing there are people who count on me. 

Now if you ask me about having kids in a few years when they're teens my answer may change lol.

growingafamily

I dove right in. Married at 22 first kid at 23. I had an associate's degree but I'm not career-minded anyway so I didn't really need that just figured I may as well get it since I needed like 3 more classes at the time we got engaged.

I thought I would have a billion kids but I had my 6th at age 32 and yes I'm seeing where we have no energy anymore (yeah that might be because of how many there are but I felt fine after #5...) I figure it's a lot to do with age. I'll hit 40 with my oldest turning 17 a few weeks later and I think that's pretty awesome. Money is an issue but my husband got his degree when we already had 4 kids and is still considering advancements which would increase our income.

Also.. having family around is extremely valuable. I have parents 2 blocks away and I can't tell you how many people have expressed envy at the help I am able to get. Or astonishment at my ability to procure babysitting at the very last minute for unexpected evenings out.

dalef

We waited into our forties (although that was not planned) and had to adopt. While we love our children we are in our sixties with one in college and one in ninth grade. My wife sometimes wishes she had married the guy who asked her when she was in her early twenties (note that this is a wish that she had given birth and was watching her grandkids, she definitely prefers me as a lover.) My daughter did complain once about me having been so old (however that was because I couldn't play basketball with her; I couldn't play BB when I was in high school either).

Avalinette

I'll second the energy thing. I have a toddler and a baby and I wish I had the energy I had when I was younger. I think wistfully of the energetic games I played with other people's kids and can't play with my own...

You are also really lucky having family near by. I didn't and although I survived and am not sorry that we didn't wait till we were near family, it was hard going.

Also, there is no perfect time, but now sounds more perfect for you than what most people experience. If I was in your shoes there would be no contest, I'd be throwing away the birth control tonight.

Olddog

My parents were always older in my group of friends. They were 'old' when they had me - 30+ (vs a lot of ~18s). I never once felt like they regretted it, or wondered about their energy.

I had mine at 27 and 32. I never had a number, but I always knew I was done no matter what at 35.

For me, it's always worked out  - you make do with what you have and what you want. Your financials are workable, right? My retirement savings may not be great, but I'm proud I have some well traveled kids. That was a financial choice I made though. Sometimes they have to be made.

Even if you got pregnant now, you can still get a semester under your belt, right?

We lived next door to my parents when I had my 1st. It worked out extremely well for us. I love the bond that formed between my parents and my kids.

We can't really answer this What do you want to to do?

ETA: Does he really need the extra degree/s, or is it a want?

MrGrimm

I'm 40, wife 39.  We have kids 9, 7 and 2.  We don't regret having them later at all.  My wife doesn't have the energy a lot of times, but then I don't think she ever really did.  We got to enjoy each other alone for several years, and got established financially so we can live comfortably with kids.  I think late 20's is the perfect time to start.

 

Forest

Thank you all so much for telling me about your experiences with starting a family. I didn't realize how noticeable the loss of energy is when a person enters into their 30's. I know having family nearby gives us a HUGE advantage, but for whatever reason my gut is telling me to wait. Logically it makes sense to have children now, but I just feel that it's too soon. I don't know why. My husband and I discussed it and decided to give the idea some time to stew and we will reevaluate at the end of my first semester of college. Hopefully that will give us some time to really decide how we feel about this life-changing decision. 

Scarlet

The thing is, you will ALWAYS appreciate having family around.  That's not exclusive to the newborn stage.  No matter when you have children, there will be benefits and drawbacks and you will make it work.  Do what your hearts desire, rather than basing your decision out of fear.  

You're so young and have plenty of time to evaluate and re-evaluate.  It's great that you and your husband are thinking and talking about this. 

Forest

Thanks @Scarlet for the reassurance. I think I'm worried about moving out of state and not having family nearby which makes me feel like I need to rush this decision. You're right though, I shouldn't make this decision based off of fear. 

MrGrimm

We have family within 20 minutes, but we never got any sort of help whatsoever from them.  Even my parents don't take the kids unless we ask them to.  It's been fine, but we are so jealous of our next door neighbors that just had twins over a month ago and have had family around almost daily.  We do manage fine, but I think our marriage would be in a better place if we had some helping family.

Tiger_Lily

I'm one of those that wish they had kids before their 30's.  Not only would I have more energy now, but so would my parents.  They had me at 25 (only child); I had my first at 32 and my last at 36.  Now I still need babysitting etc but my parents - who live nearby - are having health problems and generally beginning to decline, so I'm their resource (and gratefully so, don't get me wrong) instead of the other way around. So now that my kids are old enough to talk about the future, I've started to suggest to them that it may be a good thing to marry and have kids somewhat early, in their 20s.  I just hope when they do, I'll be around and strong enough to help.

Maria

There are no correct answers to the question when it's best to have children.

Sure, waiting for the perfect time will likely mean waiting forever, but on the other hand we are now in the very eligible position to plan our life and family (though not to a 100%), and it's only reasonable to try to make a responsible decision.

I'm from a country where women have their children typically in their mid thirties, but I started young and will only be 46 when my youngest child is 20. Yay! Freedom!

Sometimes I compare our way of parenting to that of other, older parents. That's easy; practically all our children's friends' parents are 10 years or more older than us.

Did we have more energy when the children were younger? Yes.
Did we make some suboptimal, because not so mature decisions? Yes.
Are we overprotective? No.
Could we provide such a multitude of opportunities? No
Have our children got young and active grandparents? Yes. And they got to know their great-grandparents.
Were we more relaxed when the children were younger? Yes.
Are the other parents more relaxed now that their children are older/teenagers? Yes.
And - most important of all - Can I borrow my daughter's clothes? YES!!! The money I'm saving...

And so on. There's an upside and a downside to every side of the coin.

About degrees: I put off going back to university after my bachelor degree in favour of having children. My line of thought was: It's easier to have children at young an age and make a degree at 30+ than the other way round.

I think it was a good decision, but only because I DID go back to university as I had always planned. My husband supported my wish, our children were 10 and 13 at that time and it was doable. But it wasn't easy! I worked full time, took care of our children and the household and studied at night.  It wouldn't have taken a lot for my plan to fail and I was almost burnt out in the end.
As the university is my natural habitat this degree wasn't the last one, and now I'm training students myself.
I would have regretted it horribly if for some reason my dreams of going back to university had fallen flat.



Think really hard about what you truly want, also take into account that stuff we put off might eventually not be realized. Definitely keep talking to your husband - you need to be on the same page. Nothing more horrible than one spouse feeling left out, persuaded or taken advantage of on such a matter.

dalef

Of course my wife is bothered every now and then by what she put off and never was able to do; bear a child (of course that was before we met.)