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Comments
Good point about the D/s reference being confusing and misleading. I'll make sure not to mention it in those terms. I'm not very subtle so sometimes I tend to say exactly what I am thinking without considering how that will be received. If a guy said that to me, I probably would think of the extremes, too.
I have told a couple of them, but they didn't take it seriously. I once made the grave error of telling one of them about alpha and beta concepts in a way to explain why I wasn't interested. This triggered a conversation where he tried to persuade me that he actually was alpha but I just wasn't seeing it, and then asking me very specifically how he could change in order to be what I wanted in the relationship. I think this stemmed from insecurity which most likely was a contributing factor to the lack of attraction in the first place. So now I don't say why I'm not interested, just that I'm not. It's also a good way for me to practice assertiveness, which is a part of my MAP -- I don't owe anyone an explanation for my actions or decisions.
Routine: I have finally established a good daily-life routine. It took me awhile with moving for the first time to a new city. I'm feeling at home here, have a fairly good network of friends (not too many are close, but I'm socially fulfilled), and have a number of fun activities that keep me happy. I am particularly enjoying learning a couple social dances and interacting with the dance community here.
Working out: that has also become routine now and I am so enjoying getting back into my weight lifting again. I am consistently working out 3-4 times a week and am mostly following the Starting Strength program of squats, deadlifts, bench press, barbell rows, and overhead press, with some accessory exercises (like more tricep and chest work). I think I'm going to start doing assisted pull-ups using a resistance band, since I feel like I'm not working my pulling muscles enough and one of my major goals is to be able to do a set of 8 pull-ups within a year. Right now I can do 2 unassisted chin-ups so it's a feasible goal! I've surpassed deadlifting my body weight and am almost up to full 45lb plates for my squat
Dress: I've been looking into the color ideas for outfits more as per @Tiger_Lily 's suggestions, although not in such a methodical way as the whole seasons approach entails. I have realized that I look much better in vibrant colors, yet have tended toward a lot of neutral, muted, and dull colors for some reason. In particular, I want to buy 3-4 long-sleeved vibrantly coloured shirts in the next two weeks.
Personal bill of rights: I think I saw a post on here by @BrianC linking to your personal bill of rights, and that was a catalyst for a lot of my self-esteem/awareness issues. It was completely shocking to me that I had all of those rights, and was incredibly helpful for re-wiring my thought processes. I have lived my life thus far not believing that I had probably 60% of those rights -- it's no wonder I was a people-pleaser, self-conscious, socially anxious, and doubtful of my abilities. Honestly, once I read that list, something clicked. I realized I have all of those rights and used the CBT approach of noticing when a thought was not in line with one/multiple rights, and reinforced mentally that I did have that right and replaced the original thought with a new interpretation of the situation.
Mindfulness: With the encouragement of a friend, I started trying to become aware of my thoughts and feelings and to connect to who I really am at my core. Starting the consistent practice of meditating has been extremely helpful with this. I came to the realization that I tend to have racing thoughts which can result in me forgetting I have those rights above. Now, I still have those racing thoughts, but I can recognize them and consciously slow them down and re-connect to my core being (that sounds rather spacey, but it helps for me to think of it like that). I like to picture a "settling" of my mind back into my body. Overall awareness without judgment.
Honestly, mindfulness has been absolutely key in my self-improvement. I no longer have food cravings, either, because I am aware of my cravings and can slow down my thoughts so I can truly think about if I want to eat [delicious yet unhealthy piece of food] or if I want to abstain. I feel freedom to be myself and to do what I want, and it is wonderful. My work has even improved because although I have thoughts of doubt and a desire to procrastinate, I am aware of them and work through those thoughts and feelings.
I have moved from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset. The former being, not believing that there are many possible suitable matches for a mate out there, and the latter being the opposite.
Online dating:
I recently signed up for online dating (OK Cupid) and am completely astounded at how many attractive and high quality guys there are out there! Or at least they give that appearance. And, I am even more astounded at how much attention my profile has gotten in the last 5 days. I have had 1300 likes, and over 100 messages, with about 20 of those messages being from guys that I am actually potentially interested. This has not only exposed me to lots of guys with whom a match may be suitable, but has been really helpful in changing my mindset when it comes to dating. I am also finally internalizing the fact that I am a pretty attractive woman, and a great catch overall. I am estimating my rank as about an 8... possibly higher but I'm not sure.
So, now is where I would very much appreciate the forum's vast wisdom! I have three dates lined up this weekend and three more next week/weekend.
I've been looking for the following features: masculine face, muscular body, self-motivation and drive, signs of leadership and confidence, positivity, and self-awareness.
I'm excluding guys that give off an air of:
- "Well I guess I should make a profile because that's what you're supposed to do on this site"
- "You look so amazing and I would put you first and treat you like a queen because that's what you deserve"
- "I'm a really laid-back guy and am looking for someone who is assertive and confident"
- "I'm a douchebag and just want to bang"
I've also found myself not really seeing much attraction in response to men of certain ethnicities... I am white and based on pictures alone, don't find Indian, Asian, or Middle Eastern men very attractive. Right now I am not sure if that will translate to a lack of in-person attraction, so I'm going out with a couple of ethnic guys to see, then I can know my preferences better.What I would love feedback on:
Rejecting guys. I am terrible at this. I believe it comes from an incomplete internalization of my right to put myself first and to say no without feeling guilty. I am especially bad at this in person. My plan is to have a set of phrases in memory that I can pull from if I have to, and focus more on re-wiring my thought processes with regard to rejection.
Can anyone give some more examples of rejecting phrases? Here are some I have used so far, after saying something nice like "Thanks for messaging me":
It would also be great to hear of any more online dating techniques and what to look for in profiles!
Ah, the “fun” of rejections. While you can try and been subtle and some people will get the cue, others won’t and some will need a 2x4 before they get it, then will push for “the real reason” so there’s no overall “best” technique.
For anyone you haven’t dated, I wouldn’t bother with a specific rejection. No one likes being rejected and a verbal/written rejection leaves the door open for comments, questions and potential abuse. People not taking the hint and being either insistent or abusive is why so many people prefer to drop off the face of the earth when they’re not interested. I figure I don’t owe someone more until I’ve either dated them more than three times or slept with them. At that point, a polite but direct “You’re a great person but you don’t have what I’m looking for and it would be wrong to lead you on” is about the best I’ve come up with.
Treat everyone with a bit of politeness and respect and draw some pretty firm boundaries. While the attention from attractive people can be pretty heady, don’t lose yourself in it and you’ll be fine.
I will of course show up to every date I plan for - flakiness and rudeness do not fit with my personal values. But I will either be going with no answer or a simple direct polite one.
Ugh, one thing that I hate is the end-of-date awkwardness. I just had a date with one guy who was nice and entertaining but not enough of his own person, and who is fairly directionless in life right now. I wasn't attracted to him and didn't want to kiss him, so I was awkward at the end of the date when it was time to say goodbye hoping I wouldn't have to awkwardly turn my cheek.
I'm going to keep in mind that when I meet someone who I *am* really attracted to, that I will *want* to move closer to him and touch him and for him to kiss me, and it won't be awkward.
Any tips for first dates? I've lined up 5 so far this week alone! They're all either coffee or drinks. My main goals for the first date are to assess if there's any chemistry, and to ensure that our lifestyles are compatible. That's it. I find I can get off-topic though and we can ramble on about unimportant stuff for awhile, then I get home and find that I can't really remember what made them special.
* You seem very focused on the long-term / big picture in this thread. There's nothing wrong with that, but remember that on a first date, the only thing you should be worried about judging is whether you want a second date. Evaluating him as a Captain and "lifestyle compatibility" can wait until later.
* Try to find one good thing about every guy you meet. Even if there are obvious red flags and you have to next him right away, it pays to start off in a positive frame of mind.
* Don't spend too long chatting online before setting up a face-to-face date. Especially on a free site like OKC, there are lots of "tourists" who are just there "to see what's out there" and aren't really serious about meeting anyone, so it doesn't do to spend too much time and effort just to find out that they're one of those. Also, it's easy to build up a false sense of intimacy and high expectations when communicating over text, only to find that the chemistry isn't there in person. If a guy doesn't attempt to move things to a face-to-face venue quickly enough, make a judgment call whether to next him or drop an unsubtle hint ("So when are you going to ask me out already?" tends to work) based on how interested in him you are and how many other/better prospects you have on the hook at the moment.
* Have a Plan B in case a first date no-shows. It happens. If it does, go do something else fun so that the evening doesn't feel wasted. Go clothes-shopping (window-shopping if you're broke) or to a favorite bar or club to practice spur-of-the-moment in-person flirting or something.
* Don't waste time on flakes. If they no-show on a first date or cancel on the day of the date, don't give them a second chance no matter how good the excuse sounds.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
Unless you've been dating them for a while and have gone exclusive with them, you don't owe them an "explanation." Attempting to give one will usually just get you drawn into a conversation of the sort you reference further up the page in which they try to talk you out of the rejection, so I wouldn't bother.
You can, if you like, do a fadeaway in which you don't return calls and answer text or email invitations to another date with a simple "no thank you." Some guys will take the hint. Most won't, at which point you'll have to make it clear that you're not just rejecting the proposed date but any future dates with that person. "I'm sorry, I just don't think we're a good match," is fine. If the fadeaway doesn't appeal to you, you can of course just skip to that.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
A good idea for a first date might be to meet on neutral ground, going there separately (learned from time in dating service). That way you can leave easily (or do something together if desired).
The guy needing multiple rejections is a guy who hasn't done much dating; for those who have, turning down a second date will probably mean you aren't asked out again. (The one piece of advice I received on dating was to not try more than twice for a first date.)
I have a hard time thinking of a situation in which I'd try twice for a first date. If a woman is interested in me but not in the time or place I suggest, she's capable of saying so. Otherwise, what do I imagine has changed between the first attempt and the second?
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
@Ben I like the finding one positive thing about each guy idea. Starting from a place of positivity is very helpful. I haven't actually had any problem at all with spending too much time messaging before setting up a date, but I have been keeping those things in mind. Your ideas for things to do after a no-show date are helpful! Again, so far so good.
What you described happening following an explanation of the rejection has been exactly my experience so far, and reminds me of my toxic ex-boyfriend who would verbally manipulate me into doing what he wanted me to do. Now I know better, that I don't ever owe an explanation to anyone, but I can choose to give one if I so choose to.
Re: dating venue @dalef, I have been setting them up so that we always meet at the place separately to avoid that very problem. One guy suggested driving together to a town an hour away for sightseeing there... for a first date. Nope, too much too soon, way too dangerous. Public settings are the way to go.
Does she look like her pictures?
Assessing the communication leading up to the date
Punctuality
Vibe during the conversation
All of which is designed to determine if I want to see her again, on a "real" date.
If you can, try to always give yourself some time after an activity and before the date to mentally adjust. If you go straight from work to a first coffee date, having a bad day will likely still weigh on you. Giving yourself 30 min in between helps to deliberately adjust from pissed-off work mode to light-&-breezy first-date mode.
Good point about adjusting mentally before the date. Although, I must say, I don't really have a "pissed-off work mode"! My mood is pretty stable, overall cheerful, and I look on the bright side of things. People tell me that I'm always smiling and pleasant to be around, which has been nice to hear.